Dispatches from the dustbin; Mail journalist writes rubbish article

Quality writing, astute opinion and a keen focus on investigative journalism are the raisons d'être of newspapers. Without these, newspapers have nothing to offer which isn't already available online for free. Without these, there is no hope of stemming the interminable exodus of readers from printed news media.

But one newspaper is untroubled by such concerns. Just two days after Sue Reid's explosive examination of migrant worker statistics, The Daily Mail has followed up with a riveting exclusive investigation into the contents of someone's bin.

More commonly known for becrying the Orwellian New Labour nanny state behaviour of local councils for peering into peoples' rubbish, and railing against the 'tyranny of recycling', The Mail today condemned Environment Secretary Hilary Benn for not recycling after dispatching hapless hack Simon McGee to rifle through his bins.

McGee is said to be 'pleased' with the career choice that now sees him rifling through discarded milk cartons, stale bread and mouldy fruit under the cover of night like some penniless, flea-ridden smack-head searching for needles in a dumpster. He told The Quail: 'Well it's better than shovelling shit. No, wait, it's about the same.'

In a statement, Mr Benn explained that he had been out of the country and that his four children were probably responsible for the criminal act of throwing away the recylables. He added: ‘We are regular and committed recyclers, as The Mail could no doubt establish at any other time of the year, but my wife and I have been away.

‘Thank you for drawing this to my attention and we will be having a quiet word with the kids when we get back home.’

Returning to his home, Benn was heard saying to his wife: 'Thank goodness I'm not a journalist. Poor, filthy, bastard.'

Richard Dawkins Hates Harry Potter

Maniacal deity hating boffin Richard Dawkins, who admits to being related to monkeys, is turning his rabid stare away from religion and now wants to destroy harmless children's stories for being 'unscientific'.

The sworn atheist, who hates Christians and has cloned his own daughter, thinks JK Rowling's magical tales of sweet young wizards are 'pernicious' and 'insideous'. Sources close to the heathen have revealed that he also hates Paddington, Winnie the Pooh, Rupert and other make-believe bears, branding them 'too furry to be trusted'.

Dawkins, whose dogmatic desire to erode traditional belief systems has led one newspaper to list him as one of the 50 people who have 'wrecked Britain', admitted that he hasn't even read the Potter books. Asked in an interview with More4 News why he was so eager to crush childrens' fantasies and replace magic with hateful and unproven scientific ideas like evolution and gravity, he screamed 'there's so much magic in science!' before stamping on a furby and punching a Buzz Lightyear doll.

The unemployed former professor of fluffy soft-option subject 'science and understanding' at Oxford Polytechnic University plans to follow in the footsteps of other has-been celebrities and write a kids book, which he arrogantly suggests will 'appeal to the children to think for themselves'.

Critics have warned that the book will encourage children to question their elders and learn more about things like science, theology and history, topics that no parent should be forced to discuss with minors. Dawkins's previous books have been notable only for being little more than 'near hysterical propaganda', and of 'turning the clock back to a pre-modern age of obscurantism, dogma and secular witch-hunts'.

***Stop Press***

Richard Dawkins stood accused of 'Google bombing' today after it emerged that searching for a key phrase found in a daringly critical article on the militant atheist yields a libellous and wholly contemptable top 3 result that suggests none other than the virtuous editor of England's favourite newspaper is in fact 'the most dangerous man in Britain'. Dawkins' name is suspiciously absent from the results. We suspect foul play and are calling for a campaign to stop sick atheist zealots manipulating search results.

British economic meltdown cripples families like yours with horrifying consequences, making people rush to big superstores to buy cheap televisions

in blow out sales so they can sit at home all day watching Jeremy Kyle and not go to work, with the effect that motorways are gridlocked meaning that ordinary hard working people can't get to their jobs on time just because benefit claiming single mothers want to grab a bargain, according to bloke


In a hard-hitting report last night, The Mail broke the news that a sale held by a new Currys store resulted in traffic jams in the local area. The news comes as a stark illustration of the credit crunch, showing just how dire the global economy is. Entire countries falling to their metaphorical knees is nothing on this.

According to David Wilkes, who was so shocked by the situation that he lost the ability to write goodly, 'Officers did crowd control to stop people being crushed in the queue'. Furthermore, 'A 75-year-old woman who had been waiting in the mammoth queue since 3am collapsed during the chaos and taken [sic] to hospital by ambulance as a precaution' or something or nothing.

One shopper cried: 'Everyone was pushing. One lady had to leave because she felt sick and I had to help a couple in their seventies who were getting crushed.' Another onlooker told how one young couple became so excited by the prospect of a £20 sat nav they actually began tearing their own skin off, while a local PTA member doused a security guard in home-made napalm before being arrested by MI5, who had been tipped off by the store manager that trouble was a-brewing.

The Daily Mail's sub-editor said: 'I was so busy buying a plasma telly for £4.99 that I didn't make it to work on time to write a decent headline'.