Saturday, 31 January 2009
Herds of lasciviously made up transvestites have comandeered the parish community centre of a sleepy Hamshire town in a bid to 'turn' local residents, it was revealed today.
The good folk of Liphook, one of Queen Victoria's favourite coaching stops, were unaware of the ladyboys' secret base of operations until one eagle-eyed local became suspicious observing a 'woman' perform a perfect reverse bay parking manoeuvere outside the hall.
'Never in my life have I seen a woman park like that without knocking the wing mirror off or reversing into another car', he said while painting the words 'Down with this sort of thing' on a placard.
Further investigations by concerned Liphookians found that the gender confused manladies - or 'trannies' - had been covertly hiring a room at the centre for several months to host salacious cabaret nights, dressing up sessions and ritual sacrifices. Evidence of plans to kidnap unsuspecting local children and force them to wear girl's clothes may or may not have been found near the scene.
Liphook parish council, which is responsible for the hall, is now facing a 'simmering rebellion' from villagers unhappy with the thought of sharing their corner of the country with amoral, godless perverts who probably do unspeakable things to each other in dingy alleyways at night. 'If they like dressing up as women so much, why don't they go and live there?', asked one disgruntled resident from behind his twitching curtains.
Leader of the Liphook trannies, Linda Bryant, said: 'We just have nice quiet evenings together. There's no sleaze or sexual element whatsoever', before sashaying back into the community centre to the tune of 'Young Hearts, Run Free'.
Friday, 30 January 2009
Children as young as five are being snatched away from loving homes and handed out like sweets to homosexual monsters, it has emerged.
In what has been described as 'a totalitarian assault upon family life and human rights', two young children were given by left-wing Edinburgh city council to a pair of decadent gays just because their heroin addicted mother was deemed 'incapable' of caring for them by politically correct social workers.
In a 'grotesque development', the grandparents of the children, who cannot be named for legal raisins, were denied the right to adoption just because they were too old, infirm and financially unstable. Inexplicably, it was decided that the gays would provide the best home for the vulnerable brother and sister, despite the availability of a number of normal, non-bent couples in the area.
Shockingly, 'some local authorities forbid adoption by smokers and obese people but actively support gay fostering and adoption' despite evidence that exposure to gayness makes children up to 100% more likely to grow up thinking that boys kissing each other is acceptable.
'Mad' Melanie Phillips pointed out in her meditation on the topic that: 'The prevailing argument that all types of family are as good as each other as far as the children are concerned simply isn’t true...children need to be brought up by the two people ‘who made me’ - or, in adoptive households, in a family which closely replicates that arrangement'.
Experts agreed that the children would indeed be far better off in a family with a junkie mother and a suicidal schizophrenic father than with a couple of flowery pooves who doubtless only want the children to use as fashion items a bit like how Paris Hilton - a gay icon - has a little dog in her bag.
Homosexual role model Richard Littlejohn, a supporter of gay rights in so far as they should be allowed houses and jobs, laid blame for the 'appaling human horror story' at the feet of the 'sadistic, Stalinist might of the social services system' before comparing the situation with the under-reported case of Madeline McCann. 'Stolen children are at the heart of both [cases] he said, before plaintively asking: 'What kind of monsters could do something like this?' You couldn't make it up.
Monday, 26 January 2009
Coffee gives your children cancer, doctors didn't say today after not carrying out exhaustive research into the link that doesn't exist between caffeine and babies.
The dire warning, as yet unsupported by evidence and based on research that is yet to take place, will come as a shock to the millions of pregnant mothers gagging for a pick me up after a morning's vomiting and coal eating.
Researcher Dr Marcus Cooke of Leicester University said there was a ‘good likelihood’ the study would make a connection but pointed out that it he hadn't actually started any research whatsoever yet. Experts recommended that pregnant women should begin getting scared straight away in preparation for the results and stop their caffeine intake immediately, lest they spawn little cancer babies covered in pustulous tumours.
The unfounded but entirely cromulent 'caffeinogenic' link is based on previous research suggesting that caffeine damages DNA, cutting cells' ability to fend off radioactive cancer rays such as cosmic winds and microwave ovens. Such cell embaddening symptoms have been recorded in children with Leukaemia, which is a cancer. The formula (caffeine+DNA) x babies=cancer clearly illustates just how dangerous coffee, or indeed tea, can be if used during pregnancy.
Dr Cooke added definitively: 'Although there’s no evidence at all of a link between caffeine and cancer, we’re putting two and two together...The idea seems plausible'.
An insider said: 'It would be best for expecting mothers, who are doubtless already quite paranoid about the possibility of any one of a number of actual complications, to take this speculative conclusion very seriously indeed and keep buying The Daily Mail which will almost certainly reveal the cure for cancer any day now'.
The reasons Americans are swiftly turning their backs on Barack are obvious; absurd, half-measure policies like closing down some prison, throwing taxpayers' cash at schools whose only aim is to waste time trying to make children into real people and investing in silly energy schemes to try to get power from the sun and the rain will never wash with the general populace.
The Quail knew all of this way before it was cool, which is why we threw our weight behind Emperor McCain and emphasised Obama's shortcomings on his inauguration day.
And it gladdens our hearts that over
Hint: click the pic to make your own inane comment! Or vote this one up even more*! Moar coal for all!
* You'll need to click 'View more' under the article.
Sunday, 25 January 2009
Ross and his producer made a joke about an old person, which nobody found offensive.
The News of the World said today, in an article titled 'Ross does sick OAP sex gag':
The BBC said:
Presumably all 18 complainants heard the broadcast themselves but were unable to complain when the show was on air due to outrage induced catatonia.
See next week's Quail on Sunday for the same article, as we
Saturday, 24 January 2009
Nearly half a million foreigners were issued with with work permits last year, despite the hundreds of thousands of British workers being made redundant as the economy slides further into recession.
Shadow Home Secretary Chris Grayling said the 156,635 foreigners were granted permission to work made a mockery of Gordon Brown's promise of 'British jobs for British workers'. Unemployment rose by 290,000 in the same period, from December 1, 2007 to November 30, 2008, proving that foreigners are literally stealing jobs from employed Britons - leaving them destitute, face down in the gutter of society with only an old, mud-spattered dog - often with less
than four legs - for company.
The fact that the 156,635 must have already secured a job in Britain before being granted a visa and that they are in fact creating additional jobs, reducing the percentage of people unemployed, is irrelevant, said an insider.
Worryingly, the foreigners aren't even from the EU, but from distant lands such as America, China and Australia, where traditional British values - such as marriage and Christianity - are unheard of, meaning that they will never be able to properly integrate into society. Instead, they are expected to form feral tribes, building primitive villages where plans to destroy the pillars of Englishness will be formulated and bizarre sporting rituals like so-called 'American Football' will be performed.
Chinese script - which contains up to a bewildering 9000 characters - is widely expected to replace the English alphabet within 10 years, and American cuisine is already increasingly encroaching on our proud gastronomic heritage as dried dog meat, or 'jerky', and steamed hams, or 'ham-burgers', become ever more popular. Similarly, Australian immigrants have been blamed for the rise in people finishing all of their sentences with a raised intonation and for the growing prevalence of incredibly weak lager beer in Britain.
The shocking revelations led one commentor to call for the return of a true British hero to sort this shambles out, and over hundred people agreed:
Almost 100 foreign murderers have exploited Britain's shamefully chaotic asylum system to come over here and set up comfortable new homes, probably paid for by the British taxpayer.
Eighty convicted homocidal maniacs from Albania - or Albaniacs - have been granted British passports after sneaking across the Channel from Calais, where they enjoy raping students and murdering locals, to Dover, using bogus names and false papers to claim 'asylum'.
Many of the convicted criminals have been living in the UK for up to ten years and have started breeding, sometimes with unsuspecting Britons who do not realise that their offspring will be half-foreigner, just so they can claim the right to remain in our country.
Good Sir Andrew Green, of reasonable and progressive think tank MigrationWatch, said something along the lines of: 'Foreign people are dangerous killers and should be banned immediately'.
Foreigners are exploiting the weakness of the pound by coming to Britain to take our cars, it emerged today.
London-listed luxury dealer HR Owen revealed that there had been a 'significant' increase in purchases by foreigners in the last three months as sterling has become increasingly devalued by the irresponsible behaviour of New Labour.
Foreigners from Germany, which started World War I and its sequal, WWII: Redux, have been arriving covertly on our shores and buying German cars, which are up to £56,600 cheaper than in Europe, before driving them back across the Channel. Raj Bedi, director of Import Marques, told The Financial Times: 'It is bizarre'.
Friday, 23 January 2009
I am a right social authoritarian
Right: 3.21, Authoritarian: 6.78
Political Spectrum Quiz
I do not approve of being so close to those panda-loving, wooly-minded, union-joining, Muslim-loving, Godless homosexual peaceniks on the left. How difficult must it be to get all the way over to the right?
Well at least it gives a fair and accurate graphical representation of how I feel about our once proud country's culture:
Political Spectrum Quiz
Wednesday, 21 January 2009
Vile terms were thrown around with abandon by members of the group, including one employee shockingly branding a female customer 'a dirty old loon' and accusing her of smelling bad. It remains unclear whether or not the lady in question is indeed old or how bad her odour really is.
One member of staff from the Manchester branch of the supermarket, which is part of the communist-esque John Lewis group, described people who rummage through bargain bins as 'pikey skanks'.
Reassurance that the actions of the staff in question would not go unpunished thankfully came earlier today when The Daily Mail fearlessly published the name of the Facebook group alongside a picture displaying the unobscured names and photgraphs of a number of group members, ensuring their imminent dismissal and bravely ignoring British privacy laws.
An altered version of the image currently accompanying the story can be seen below, as inside sources suggested that it may be removed
Tuesday, 20 January 2009
Unable to fathom the ridiculous hysteria sweeping the globe on the 'historic' inauguration day of America's first black president, both 'Mad' Melanie Phillips and 'Yokel' Robin Page questioned everyone's sanity in succombing to 'Obamania'. While Mel 'The Malevolent' asked: 'Has everyone lost their marbles?', Page was left wondering whether it was in fact he that had gone insane, asking: 'Am I going round the bend?', to which several readers answered: 'Yes'.
Conceding that it was sort of cute that black Americans felt vindicated by the appointment of an African-American to the highest office in the country, Mel 'The Merciless' reminded mindlessly enamoured readers that Obama would almost certainly fail to live up to the stratospherically high expectations that people have of him. Describing him as 'a fantasy figure of hope', Phillips derided Obama's naive belief in 'the replacement of military action in defence of his nation by talking, negotiation and compromise', suggesting that such silliness would only encourage scary baddies like the Iranians to increase attacks on innocent targets like Israel.
Going on to apparently contradict herself, 'Malignant' Mel added that Obama's entire 'career has been solidly embedded in an ultra-radical tradition which believes in revolution from the grass-roots up', just like communists do. But, she said, it remained to be seen what Barack Hussein Obama's term in office might bring; 'He may indeed be constrained not just by current difficulties but by events not yet forseen. He may change his mind about a lot of things as a result [and be] hampered by inexperience and naivety'.
Meanwhile, Tory bumpkin Robin Page silenced critics who claim he doesn't deserve a place to vent his unbalanced, unresearched, woefully ignorant views on the third highest circulating national newspaper's website, by insightfully pointing out that 'Barrack [sic]...had a white mother and a black father so he's brown' not black. Sources agreed that Page's interpretation was entirely correct because that's how genetics work.
Lambasting Obama's 'politcally correct' black label as 'all-ridiculous' [sic], Page went on to compare what he calls 'obarmyness' with the popularity of John Fitzgerald Kennedy - 'a liar, a spiv and a serial womaniser'. Page did, however, manage to express a degree of hope for Obama's presidency, and admitted he would be 'interested' to see Britain's first black Prime Minister before inexplicably saying 'as long as he doesn't turn out to Robert Mugabe', possibly because black leaders are usually power-mad, murderous tyrants.
Peter McKay, who cemented his reputation as a pioneering, forward-looking journalist when he described the events of August's Democratic Convention in the past tense before it had even happened, warned that Obama's fondness for quoting Abraham Lincoln put him 'in danger of overdoing it'.
McKay reminded readers that 'From the moment he began running for the presidency Obama set out to hijack Abe's legend' by doing things like taking a train to his inauguration - just like Lincoln did. Obama's shameless aping of the 16th President belies his own shortcomings, however, and McKay mocks the new President's connection with ordinary people. Unlike him, Lincoln 'was his own man' - 'He practised humility as well as mentioning the need for it. When asked about his humble start in life, he didn't make a meal of it or write books about it'.
Similarly, Obama's invocation of past Presidents and use of quotations reveals his much publicised weakness for rhetoric and oration. 'When [Lincoln] wrote the Gettysburg Address...he didn't lean on the work of predecessors or advertising jargon soundbites', McKay jeered.
David Jones rounded off the newspaper's unimpressed coverage of the day's uninteresting events, ridiculing the 'unbridled hysteria that has been building throughout Washington DC since the weekend'. Scoffing at Obama's attendance at 'yet another choreographed and hyped-up pre-inauguration event', Jones appropriated his colleague Mad Mel's ironic description of the inauguration as 'the second coming' before commenting that being part of the two million strong crowd watching in awe as Obama was sworn in, made you want 'to weep for them' rather than feel witness to history in the making.
The hard-to-please journalist added that 'eyebrows had been raised' at the £30m cost of the inauguration ceremony and subsequent events during a time of global economic difficulty. Insiders agreed that the day should really just have consisted of a small buffet with a bring-your-own booze policy and that Obama and vice-president Biden would have been better advised to make use of public transport instead of wasting money on bullet-proof limousines.
Daily Mail readers appeared to agree with the negative opinion presented by the columnists, expressing pessimism that Obama has the apples to deliver, probably because he is a brown leftie with a suspicious middle name:
Sunday, 18 January 2009
Mulsim treasury official Azad Ali was suspended from his position as President of the Civil Service Islamic Society yesterday, after The Mail on Sunday heroically alerted senior cabinet members that he might be a terrorist.
Ali's 'astonishing verbal onslaught against the Government over its response to Israel’s military strikes in Gaza' frightened the beejesus out of MoS reporters Simon Walters and Jason Lewis, who concluded that he was probably encouraging impressionable young Muslims to declare Jihad on Britain in a weblog post chillingly entitled 'Defeating extremism by promoting balance'.
In the post, Ali, a Muslim, quotes scary-sounding fanatic Huthaifa Azzam who said in a recent interview:
Ali goes on to outrageously claim in another post terrifyingly entitled 'We are the Resistance' that our beloved British government hasn't done enough to condemn the actions of Israel in Gaza:
'The British "poor" of today do not starve, do not freeze, do not go without medical treatment – as truly poor people across the world undoubtedly still do', said the bilious columnist, as sources confirmed that the whole concept of poverty was indeed made up by Alastair Campbell to trick the middle classes into believing their lives were ok compared to fictitious 'poor people'.
Adhering to one of The Quail's fundamental pillars of news reporting, that all things can be defined as either good or bad but never in between, Hitchens eloquently summarised exactly why the middle class is good and the working class is bad in an entirely non-vacuous, completely meaningful fundamental truth: 'The middle classes are not good because they are better Off [sic]. They are better off because they are good.'
In a blow to self-appointed 'charity' organisations such as 'Oxfam', which brazenly claims that poverty does exist in Britain and encourages hardworking British taxpayers to donate their own money to supposed 'poor' people, Hitchens laid bare the undeniable truth that 'poverty' is nothing more than moral bankruptcy fuelled by 'a grim mental diet of TV slurry and an almost total absence of good examples in their lives [and] "anti-depressants"'.
A local 'homeless' man, who preferred not to be named, said: 'Fair enough - the game's up. I guess I'll have to go back home to my penthouse flat in Knightsbridge now everyone knows the truth. I was only sleeping rough on the street, begging for small change in sub zero temperatures and eating once a week because I thought it would be a laugh. That Hitchens bloke really knows his stuff.'
Saturday, 17 January 2009
Covering the proceedings at the beginning of Knox's trial, or 'Show', for the brutal murder of Meredith Kercher, Nick Pisa described the sensual scene as 'the 21-year-old...smiled serenely', entering the court room 'like a Hollywood diva sashaying along the red carpet'. It is unclear why Knox, who was wearing a plain zip up top, stripy sweater and jeans, might have looked like a Hollywood actress to anyone but the most peverted fantasist, but sources suggested that it might be something to do with the fact that she is pretty.
Foxy Knoxy and her young lover Raffaele Sollecito are accused of murdering housemate Meredith Kercher after an exciting drug-fuelled sexual game went wrong. We will spare you the arousingly graphic details of the crime.
Kercher, who was also an attractive young woman, was found semi-naked with her throat cut in her bedroom at the house in Italy she shared with Knox, shown above. If you look really closely you can even see where the dead body lay, although unfortunately it is blurred out.
Prosecutors at the trial allege Kercher was murdered for refusing to take part in a threesome with Knox and Sollecito, before the suspects attempted to make her death look like a break in with a rock thrown through a window to trick police.
A third suspect, Rudy Guede, 22, has already been found guilty of murder and sexual assault and was given a 30 year jail sentence after a fast track hearing last year. Media coverage of Guede's trial has, however, been scant compared to that of Knox as he is not as particularly attractive.
Knoxy has received a great deal of press interest since first being accused of the sexy crime, with some especially infatuated newspapers going so far as to publish passages from her diary, print personal pictures found on her Myspace account and describe in minute detail her deliciously ironic dress sense.
Wednesday, 14 January 2009
A staggering 275,000 bloody foreigners will be given British passports EVERY year from now on, top secret government plans published yesterday revealed.
The proposals sparked outrage as it emerged that the bloody foreigners, many of whom weren't even born here, would be granted citizenship - and the right to scrounge the full range of state benefits - just by passing an extended, more 'vigorous' probationary period which probably just involves sitting at home watching Jeremy Kyle and not learning English.
Bloody foreigners too lazy to participate in the probationary period will still be eligible to apply for citizenship after as little as one decade, instead of being sent back where they belong.
The plans are part of the New Labour's so-called 'Immigration and Citizenship Bill', which comes after countless recent controversies over immigrants stealing our jobs, taking our houses, snatching our benefits and being generally different.
Many less perceptive news sources interpreted the bill as a 'curb' to bloody foreigners coming over here and were fooled into believing that it signalled tougher regulations on immigration. Some state controlled media outlets were even so gullible as to believe that a reduction in immigration might HARM the British economy.
But, thankfully, James Slack saw through the smoke and mirrors and turned his scrutiny to the real issue at hand: if more bloody foreigners are denied 'indefinite leave to remain', clearly that means that more will actually apply for the legal right to stay in Britain.
Shrewdly ignoring the fact that this would result in an increase in deportations and ignoring a proposed immigration tax and underplaying the extended probationary period , Slack's blistering report cut straight to the heart of the matter to lay bare the horrifying prospect of illegal immigrants being granted the right not to be called 'illegals', leaving only the slightly less offensive term 'bloody foreigners' at hard-working tax-payers' disposal.
A source close to Slack confirmed that the stunningly original article was 'totally different and not at all copied and pasted' from a previous article published in February 2008.
Tuesday, 13 January 2009
Devout racist Steve Doughty launched another blistering attack on 'the doctrine of multiculturalism' today, blaming the alleged 'collapse of British culture' on dirty immigrants who 'do not belong' and should just go away.
Reporting on a speech given by Archbishop of York John Sentamu, Doughty, who is albino and despises anybody with darker skin than his own, played a familiar tune as he recalled a previous polemic in which he rationally described the multicultural 'doctrine' as defined by forty three fellow racists living in English favellas.
Doughty's joy at a black man spewing what some dissenters labelled 'right-wing intolerant hypocritical ratshit bile' was palpable, as reports from Northcliffe House suggested that the junior reporter had to be physically restrained after sprinting naked about the Daily Mail offices spraying on colleagues' desks, screaming, 'Ha! A black immigrant Church man agrees that all immigrants are bad, deny it now you wooly-minded hippies! Who's racist now bitches?!'
Sentamu said the failure of migrants to integrate was entirely responsible for 'broken Britian' and a post-imperial national lack of of direction. It is thought Sentamu formed his well-considered views after spending an entire day trapped under several hundred copies of The Daily Mail, The Sun, The Express and The Telegraph after tripping over in a WHSmith's.
The acolyte also called for recognition of the Christian heritage which once bound the nation together and for a revival of the civic values once represented by a myriad of local clubs, societies, associations, churches and trade unions and weepily added: 'As the winds of change were blowing the British Empire away, the United Kingdom was rapidly becoming what has come to be termed a multicultural society'. Critics who pointed out the vacuity of Sentamu's metaphor and his bizarre sentimentality for an Empire that forcibly subjugated and colonised his own country were told to be quiet because he is a man of the cloth and knows better than some silly old PC charlatan.
His holiness graciously admitted that Jews escaping from the Holocaust to settle in Britain were OK because they assimilated well and didn't look or sound that different. They acted like awe-struck and eternally grateful guests in the fine country house that is Britain, until the 1950s when they couldn't blame some imagined genocide for their influx anymore and began behaving less like guests in a grand manor, and more like heroin addicted squatters in a delapidated one-night cheap hotel ---- of moral bankruptcy and transgressive decay.
Sentamu went on to remind anyone who would listen of the importance of 'the strong Judaeo-Christian heritage which has shaped our language, our laws, our education and our hard-won civil rights' and which compelled us to embark on The Crusades. Those weirdo other religions that worship, like, elephants and seven-breasted spacement were responsible for diluting Britain's proud religious tradition, which has seen such high-points as witch burning and heathen killing in the middle-east, he possibly added.
Oddly, the preacher finished his diatrabe with a message of apparent good-will, warning that '[Britain] flounders if it does not allow for participation, involvement and commitment from individuals and communities'.
Monday, 12 January 2009
According to an Australian, using mouthwash is as dangerous as heavy drinking, smoking, or chewing asbestos. Professor Michael McCullough, who reviewed past studies on oral cancer, concluded that mouthwash is fatally dangerous and should carry health warnings and hazardous material stickers warning unwitting consumers of the carcinogenic properties of "tramps' favourites" such as Listerine and Dentyl PH.
McCullough, a halitosis sufferer, said: 'We believe there should be warnings. If it was a facial cream that had the effect of reducing acne but had a four-to-five-fold increased risk of skin cancer, no one would be recommending it.' The alcohol in mouthwash is dangerous because it allows cancer-causing substances such as nicotine to penetrate the lining of the mouth more easily and cause harm, and smokers and alcoholics who use mouthwash are more likely to contract oral cancer.
This, obviously, is the fault of the mouthwash rather than the fags and booze.
McCullough went on to helpfully highlight the difference between mouthwash and alcoholic drinks such as lager and Babycham: 'The most significant difference is that one is for pleasure and the other is being recommended as a health product.'
Despite a panoply of scientists queueing up to criticise McCullough's findings, one newspaper decided that it was beyond any doubt that all mouthwashes cause oral cancer in all cases and cited 'experts' who agreed. It is unclear who the experts who agreed with McCullough are, but it is thought that they wished to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals from powerful mouthwash cartels - known as 'Big Mouthwash' in some countries.
Sunday, 11 January 2009
Step 1: Visit Reuters.
Step 2: Find a recent article about something engaging and, ideally, contraversial. In today's lesson we will be looking at the story of a baby born after genetic screening eliminated the possibility of her developing breast cancer later in life.
Step 3: Highlight the first paragraph of the article, then press Ctrl+C followed by Ctrl+V on your own website/newspaper/weblog. In our practice article, the opener is:
Step 3: Now for the fun part! Change some of the words just enough so you can pretend you wrote it. Also, try to sex it up a bit. Reuters can be a bit boring - they try to write things 'impartially'. Pfft.
Now we'll look at how you might rewrite the original paragraph.
If you work for the BBC try removing some words for 'punchyness': 'The first baby in the UK tested before conception for a genetic form of breast cancer has been born.' Bam!
Grauniad hacks might have a go at mixing up the syntax a bit, but not too much: 'The first British baby genetically screened before conception to be free of a breast cancer gene has been born, doctors said today.'
Torygraph readers are old and like complicated, difficult to read sentences, so add some more words and then rearrange them: 'A baby girl, the first in Britain genetically screened to be free from a potentially deadly breast cancer gene, has been born at a hospital in London.'
If you're writing for New Scientist, you may wish to add some sciencey words that would scare ordinary newspaper readers away: 'The first UK baby genetically selected to be free of a form of breast cancer - caused by a gene called BRCA1 - has been born in London.' Don't worry - your readers are geeks and like acronyms and words with numbers in them.
Times journalists like to add some of their own words, perhaps by describing how the news has been received by others: 'The birth of Britain’s first baby screened to ensure that it was free of the breast cancer gene carried by a parent was hailed yesterday as an important advance in the fight against genetic disease.' This adds another dimension to the opener beyond the plain old facts and contextualises the story.
If you're writing for Fox News, just leave the orginial exactly the same as you saw it on Reuters - nobody will notice as your audience can't even read properly: 'The first baby girl in Britain to have been screened before conception for a genetic form of breast cancer has been born, doctors said on Friday.'
However, the most fun is to be had writing for The Daily Mail. To write a successful Mail opener, you will need to become familiar with advanced techniques like subtle condemnation and outrage invention: 'The first British baby designed to be free of breast cancer has been born into an ethical storm.'
Notice the clever use of the word 'designed' right next to 'baby'. The word is used here to introduce the idea of 'designer babies' and artificiality, setting up a lovely juxtaposition between the natural and the unnatural, the acceptable and the abject, and, more fundamentally, right and wrong, which is a key aspect of all Daily Mail articles.
Writing in the Mail, you must always bear in mind that issues are always black and white; either something is right or it is wrong. It can be good or bad, but never in between. This is what lets Mail readers see things with far greater clarity than anyone else, whose minds may be clouded by left-wing nincompoopery, hoodie-hugging ridiculousness, or carbon-offsetting piffle. Hoodies, for example, are bad and so should not be hugged. Carbon is good because we are made of it, so it should not be offset. Babies are good because they are cute, but 'design', which represents science and understanding, is bad. Therefore, the good should not be impinged upon by the bad. In just one sentence we have already come to the conclusion that this genetic screening stuff is bad, using the undeniable truth of right and wrong. In lesser publications, this conclusion might have taken the entire article to come to, which makes them all rubbish and The Daily Mail really good.
The next thing to observe is the phrase 'ethical storm' tacked onto the end of the sentence, which you may notice wasn't even suggested by any of our other examples. You might wonder why this is.
The answer is that it has mostly been invented by none other than the Mail's writers themselves! Daily Mail editorial regulations stipulate that there must be an elevated sense of drama, controversy and/or outrage by the end of the first sentence. In our example, it has been assumed that readers won't bother to carry on reading some boring science story unless there is some kind of moral issue at stake. Mail readers also like nothing than getting angry at things, and they associate with stories in which a large number of people have already become angry. It makes them feel like part of a group, rather than sad, isolated, bitter xenophobes.
The last point to bear in mind if you're writing for The Mail, is that it is crucially important not to forget your trusty companion, hyperbole. Loaded words such as 'storm', 'fury', 'outrage' and 'war' might seem far too silly to describe such things as BBC programming or where Geoff Hoon's kids go to school, but, actually, Mail readers enjoy being shouted at and such words help them imagine that they really are having a vicious argument with some wooly-minded liberal.
Make sure you read more of The Quail's unmissable guides to journalism next week, including: Photoshopping with Microsoft Excel and Buying Circulation with Free DVDs
Saturday, 10 January 2009
Just look at them clash there. Chaos.
Well what about this scary fanatic man - wearing a flag, holding a sign, looking mean?
LOL! Iz not so scary!
'Violent Gaza protests reveal how gentle civilised Britain has changed into something very ugly indeed', says Mel.
The horror....the horror.
'People [unlike Mel herself] who have been at the demonstrations in London have been producing some absolutely horrifying descriptions and images'
Yeah, like this:
Scared yet? Ok, well here's another terrifying police man image.
And here's a person wearing a scary mask.
This man is holding a scary sign.
P.S. Bravo to Mel for writing an entire article based on a quick surf through Harry's Place.
P.P.S. See some more of my pics from the protest here.
Thursday, 8 January 2009
Still, it's the first comment I've made that's got past the the notoriously difficult Mail moderators, so progress is being made.
The campaign has raised concerns over the insidious ability of Islam to inspire even non-Muslims to mercilessly seek out and write polite letters to innocent journalists whose only crime was to pose as followers of the religion and incite racial and religious hatred.
The wibblers - Tim Ireland, Anton Vowl and Septicisle - have encouraged fellow internet users to find information on Mr Tims (a suspected alias) so that they might write him 'a polite letter', which is of course a euphemism for 'go round his house with bombs strapped to your body and blow him up'. Fears were growing today that Mr Tims might even become the target of a Jihadist 'googlebomb' attack, whereby fundamentalist hackers cause internet search engine Google to literally explode in the face of a target user when they enter a specific search term.
For the safety of 'Richard Tims', The Quail emplores anybody with any information as to who he might be and whether or not he works for The Sun to get in touch as soon as possible, to prevent any monstrous letter-writing attacks before they begin. Let's put an end to the madness.
Wednesday, 7 January 2009
'Fanatics' writing on the forum of a 'fundamentalist' Islamic website are compiling a 'hit list' of prominent British Jews, including Surralan Sugar, Amy Winehouse, Lord Levy and David Miliband.
It is understood that The Mail has already provided the address details of Levy and Miliband and advised on the most efficient methods of assassination.
On the Ummah website, a terrorist calling himself 'Saladin1970' asked fellow un-Christian, non-white extremists for help gathering the names and addresses 'of british people who support Israel', before posting links to publically available lists of members of the British Jewish community. Chillingly, another forum member by the frighteningly realistic name of 'Abuislam' replied: 'Have we got a list of top Jews we can target? Can someone post names and addresses?', suggesting that he was going to get them.
Although it was later revealed by Ummah administrators that 'Abuislam' was in fact a British journalist called Richard Tims who had 'posed as a Muslim to make Muslims look bad', insiders noted that it didn't really matter that the poster wasn't a genuine extremist, or even a Muslim at all, because he accurately represented all the bad things about Islam that people are scared of. 'He's real alright', said one source who wished to remain anonymous. 'Not real in the literal sense of the word, but he's out there, somewhere, and he wants to blow you up.'
Saladin1970's undeniably threatening words: 'It would be beneficial to start compiling a list so that we can write polite letters reminding them of the injustices of israel' prompted The Sun, The Mail and The Telegraph to remind readers of the increasing number of anti-Semitic attacks since the Israeli invasion of Gaza, all of which were probably planned on the Ummah forum:
...while The Sun made the connection with another well-known terrorist group: 'Al-Qaeda’s second-in-command Ayman al-Zawahiri called on Muslims yesterday to strike Western and Israeli targets “wherever you can”'
It was day of national mourning today, as millions of Britons struggled to come to terms with the fact that 100 watt light bulbs would be little more than a fond memory from now on.
Becrying the heartless slaying of the nation's 'beloved light bulb' by genocidal EU overlords, David Derbyshire led an outpouring of grief not seen since the death of Princess Diana (peace be upon her). Many people had not even realised that they gave a flying rat's ass about light bulbs until the front page story broke, which reportedly caused scenes of mass panic, group flagellation and communal suicides.
Balanced European commenter Chrisopher Brooker described the decision to replace traditional incandescant bulbs with modern energy saving models as 'one of the maddest flights from reality that the political class which now rules over us has ever taken', comparing the EU directive under which the bulbs are banned to the actions of 'Cuban dictator Fidel Castro', who is a socialist like Gordon Brown. Fellow Eurosceptics agreed that the ban was indeed far worse than supporting George Bush's invasion of Iraq, or indeed anything else that Labour has ever done.
Grave concerns over the grim reality now facing Britain became clear, as Daily Mail 'Environment Editor' Derbyshire, whose job it is to tell people that climate change isn't real, described in shocking detail how new low energy eco bulbs 'can trigger skin rashes, migraines and epilepsy', as well as being slightly more expensive, being ugly and producing rubbish light made of B-grade photons.
The new so-called 'energy efficient' bulbs, which contain mercury, are even known to cause painful injuries when sat on and have been accused of producing deadly cancers when consumed as part of an otherwise perfectly healthy diet. It is also thought that countless crimes - including burglary and drug dealing - have been commited in rooms lit with the bulbs since their introduction a decade ago.
Investigative journalist Beth Hale, meanwhile, braved the cold weather 'on a quest to illuminate the issue of diminishing supplies'. In her damning assesment of the horrific situation which is much worse than what's happening in Gaza, Beth, an investigative journalist, found that supplies of the recently banned old fashioned light bulbs were indeed low, despite the accompanying picture.
Beth, a journalist who investigates current, hard hitting issues, also slammed the bewilderingly complex choices facing buyers of the devilish new eco bulbs. 'In days gone by it was a straightforward process', she wailed, 'there was clear or pearl, bayonet or screw cap, and then the wattage, usually 40, 60 or 100. Now there are different wattages, new shapes, information about carbon footprints', she said, setting the women's rights movement back by around three thousand years.
New shapes! Madness.
Tuesday, 6 January 2009
See what I did there? I only went and wrote something like you’d say it! That’s fucking clever that is, and I’ll tell you why for free. It’s what those buffoons with ed-yoo-kay-shuns call colloquialism, whatever that shit is. But I’m doing it because that’s what I speak like, because I’m real, me. I’m just like you. You talk like a fucking idiot, so I do too. Just because I live in giant great dirty big mansion in Florida doesn’t mean I’m fake, oh no sir. I’m British through and through, and I tell it like it is. A few thousand miles of ocean can’t stop me, however hard that twat Brown and his motley crew of unfunny analogies might try. Ha! How do you like your socialism now you stinking heap of free marketeering bastards? Pow!
So anyway, what about that stupid twatting ‘survey’ done by some clown with a degree? Apparently, January the fifth or whatever was the most stressful day of the year. Well no shit you arseholes! Of course it is – it’s the first day back to work, how many taxpayers’ pounds did it take to work that one out you dirty hippy shits? Well you didn’t get any of my money you liberal turds, because I don’t pay tax! Ha! Go and cry to mummy you bunch of queers and lesbians, ‘Oh no, nasty Mr Richlittle won’t give us his gold’, you’ll say, because that’s how those graduate poofs talk. They got bummed at yoo-nee-versi-tee you see, I know because I saw it in a film.
You know what else they fucking love, those teat sucking shemales with mixed race parents? They love that global warming wank, they fucking love it they do. They have posters with stupid fucking polar bears on their ceilings to they can cry themselves to sleep at night, staring at a bear dying in a tree on an iceberg, then in the morning they’ll wake up and weep a bit more and go and see their boyfriends, unless they’re women, because then they’ll go and see their filthy lesbian mates. Disgusting. Just think what they do to each other. Yeah. Sickening.
But yeah, global shitting warming. How is the globe getting warmer, it’s freezin’ bloody cold in Britain, so I’ve heard. I wouldn’t know though because I live in a big fuck off mansion with heated walls and carpeted ceilings, so it doesn’t matter to me, but what about you the taxpayer? Where’s all the money going, eh? To the global warming police, that’s where. They want to bleed you dry and then sandpaper your nipples with their imaginary cacti that won’t grow in all the fucking deserts that won’t exist because it’s too fucking cold, or warm, or whatever the fuck happens when global warming doesn’t happen, which it won’t because it’s a lie. Why do they lie? Who cares. It’s not real because the turd burgling hippies say it is, which means it isn’t.
So while you’re outside freezin’ your tits off because it’s cold in January which proves there’s no such thing as climate change, and you see your binmen running grannies over and throwing their gold plated public sector cash monies around, laughing at you in your pathetic little private sector job, consider how much better off you’d be if all that money wasn’t wasted on those shit heads. Council taxes are on the up again. You can just picture it can’t you: ‘Oooh, where’s me washboard Alf, let’s get those morons who live in our Labour council controlled town’, says the boss. ‘Nah mate we can’t they’re alright they are, they’re just normal people who pay their taxes, they’re not bad people, what about the kids’. Boss gets angry and smacks the other twat in the face, ‘Buck up you leftie, we’ll save some money for our Nu Lie-Bore overlords by only taking their waste fortnightly...no monthly, haha, see how they like them apples!’ ‘Yeah alright guv, and let’s charge them twice as much for it, the knobs’, ‘Yeah alright’, ‘Yeah’, that’s what they’d be like you can just see it can’t you, you couldn’t make it up.
And there’s this tall foreign bird from – where else? – Pakistan, that hole, that middle-eastern scum hive where the Talibans come from, who reckons she’s being discriminated against just ‘coz she’s tall or what not. Who ever heard of such rubbish? Send her back and see how she likes that, coming over here, well there anyway, taking our – your – jobs and kids and houses. What a disgrace, would you credit it. Says she was a ‘vick-timm’ so she can take your money and sit at home and watch that Arab channel, what is it, Al-Jazeera or something, I-Canbombya more like, terrorists. She’s not going to fit in here, I’ll tell you that right now because I say it how it is, I don’t care what McBroon’s thought police stasi say, I’ll fucking tell it mate, just you see. No doubt she’ll claim some mult-billion dollar, I mean pound, com-pen-say-shun discrimination bollocks when some kind old country bloke tells her she looks like a giant pillar of crap, just you watch as she runs off into the arms of the broken justice system crying bloody murder, ‘Those white folk hate me m’lord, they hate me because I am tall’, she’ll say, and you know what, you bloody well know what, I’ll tell you right now, we DO, we fucking DO hate you luv, because you’re not one of us, you know it, get out you scum, I speak for the people, they want me to be PM because I speak the truth, not that PC mumbo-jumbo Mbingo Mbongo, the fucking, English truth and you don’t like it because you hate Britain. Who’s with me?
Mind how you go.
Shining a light for investigative journalism, the mysterious 'Daily Mail Reporter' - who may or may not be Julie Moult - went to great lengths to weave a story worthy of national attention from what other newspapers might dismiss as an 'irrelevent pile of local interest tosh', finding a person in Kent to say something about Rev. Ewen Souter's outrageous removal of a disturbingly morbid depiction of Jesus being crucified.
Although the sculpture 'was frightening local children', one scandalised church-goer said: 'Next they'll be ripping out the pews and putting sofas in their place, or throwing out all the Bibles and replacing them with laptops. It's just not right.' It is thought the removal of Christ was something to do with health and safety, political correctness and the nanny state all simultaneously going mad, and therefore the blame lies with Gordon Brown.
Meanwhile, Liz Hazelton found that there just weren't enough celebrities going out without makeup or being too fat/too thin, so, in a pioneering departure from tradition, turned her wrath to a random couple in Essex who walked on a frozen lake with their young daughter. Flying in the face of critics who might naively suggest that it is not a newspaper's place to criticise ordinary members of the public innocently enjoying a day out with their family, pictures accompanying Hazelton's article slammed the couple as 'lethal', 'crazy' and 'slippery'. One insider said: 'Where were the New Labour nanny state 'elf 'n' safety Nazis? They should have banned this sort of thing. But, if they had banned it, that would be disgraceful and yet another example of 'elf 'n' safety gone mad. I'm confused. What was the question?'
Rounding up a day of mind buggeringly banal reporting, the Mail's FOREIGN SERVICE found itself lacking the funds to journey to countries where things were actually happening, so instead filed a story about a man in Northern America who suffered 'the most embarrassing thing that could happen on a ski lift'. After falling through the seat of his ski lift, the man found one of his skis lodged in the lift's machinery. His pants then fell down as he dangled precariously above the piste, which meant you could see his bum and stuff. Just like in that film, or was it The Simpsons.
Don't miss tomorrow's Daily Mail for the story of a local duck that ate a pensioner's bread - and then came back for more, the man who tripped over curb in a Labour council controlled area, and more shocking reports on how cold it is.
Monday, 5 January 2009
A television show that nobody watched, broadcast by left-wing filth peddlers at the BBC after the watershed a week ago, has triggered a flood of complaints for making fun of lesbians.
Thirteen people, and Ann Widdecombe, were outraged at porn star Ron Jeremy's peverted vision of Lindsay Lohan romping with her gay lover before asking him to join in and 'do him'. It is thought Jeremy was representing the personal views of the evil faceless broadcasting corporation and that they hate all minorities.
One media outlet that has an exemplary record of promoting gay and lesbian rights, and is completely entitled to pass judgment on others over their treatment of homosexuals, branded the BBC 'institutionally indecent' following the program.
A BBC spokesman said: 'Look, just shut up. Please. It's getting ridiculous now.'
Here are some unrelated stories:
Saturday, 3 January 2009
Mona Awad, 'a married Muslim woman', is seeking a staggering £1m from banking giant HBOS after two members of senior management made a few harmless remarks about how 'ridiculous' it was that she was fasting for Ramadan and whether or not she 'could handle two men'.
The men are also alleged to have asked Mrs Awad if she was 'shagging' a client, made comments about a colleague wanting to sit on her lap, followed her into the women's toilets, expressed distaste at working with 'Asians' and lifted up her trouser leg.
Awad claims that cuddly, friendly HBOS is 'a sexist culture in which staff were afraid to speak out' and 'just a boy's club'.
HBOS has accepted that some incidents took place but denies liability for the actions of the pair.
The readership of one BNP recruitment pamphlet, however, rolled their eyes at the absurd prospect of yet another non-Brit pretending to be the victim of discrimination:
Julie appears to have tidied up the language and updated a few bits. The original first-line description of Mrs Awad as 'a married Muslim woman' has been changed to the slightly less perplexing 'A Muslim banker'.
The amount being claimed has also rocketed from the original 'six figure sum' to £16.7 million.
However, The Mail's website no longer carries the original article, and searching for Mona Awad yields only the newly Moulted version. Google doesn't seem to have a cached version of the previous article, prompting some critics to question the Mail's policy on editing and rewriting previously published stories and denying readers the opportunity to compare with older versions.
Does this mean 'mistakes' and falsehoods can go unchecked, so long as articles are 'cleaned up' at a later date? Hmm.
*Mini update* From The Mail's page source:
<meta name="robots" content="noodp,noydir,all,noarchive" />
Why would a newspaper want to stop their articles being cached?
Proof of what we all knew already - that immigrants and benefit scroungers are taking British houses and jobs - was revealed yesterday, as forty three people who 'rarely have contact with ethnic minorities and don't understand the concept of integration' confirmed that they are scared of dark skinned people.
The exhaustive report interviewed uneducated, unemployed British taxpayers from some of Britian's poorest estates in Birmingham, Runcorn, Milton Keynes and Thetford to find out what they had read about immigration in the tabloids and how bad it was.
The results painted a bleak picture of Britain gripped by the 'doctrine' of multiculturalism and a country 'over-crowded to bursting point', leading Labour MP Frank Field to comment: 'No wonder people feel the Government is riding roughshod over their wishes, and not only in the poorest areas, which are bearing the brunt of the present massive level of immigration'.
One of the respondants to the survey said: 'You've now got towns which were predominantly white and now they're not. And you're expected to get on and not cause any waves, not look at people differently and be accepting. But at the same time, how can you be accepting when they're taking your house off you?' Asked whether anyone had taken their house from them, the respondant replied, 'Well, no but I read about it in The Daily Mail'.
The report found that 'by far the most frequent context for referring to ethnic minorities is that of perceived competition for resources - typically housing, but also employment, benefits, territory and culture'. Despite the fact that most respondants had not personally experienced any competition for any of these things, most felt that refugees, asylum seekers and other Daily Mail pantomime villains were probably going to take them away at some point in the future, and also eat their children.
In a bizarre use of syntax, Steve Doughty, a racist, commented that 'The findings [...] appear another step on Labour's road away from multiculturalism'. It is unclear what this means, but it is thought Doughty was attempting to express his distaste for a Britian in which more than 10% of people are from overseas, as went on to link diversity with the 7/7 London bombings which were perpetrated by Talibans who had taken our jobs and houses.
Helpfully explaining what 'multiculturalism' is for readers who might not understand the term, Doughty summarised it as when 'ethnic minority groups are encouraged to develop their own identity while critics say values associated with white groups are dismissed as racist.' Such values are thought to include racism and hatred of 'diffrunts'.
Even Hazel Blears, Labour's Communities Secretary, vowed that something needed to be done: 'Whilst [people on the estates] might not be experiencing the direct impact of migration, their fear of it is acute', she said, implying that headlines such as this and this, and journalists like this, had fuelled an imagined terror of brown people and single mothers.