BBC 'stupid' for allowing Nick Griffin on Question Time, says Nick Griffin

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BNP leader Nick Griffin said today that 'the BBC is stupid to let me appear' on Question Time, having spent the last five years complaining that the corporation's refusal to give him airtime was due to political correctness and institutional lack of racism.

A spokesman said: 'He's right. Why would the BBC invite us onto the show when we haven't actually got anything to talk about? Our only policy is 'send 'em home!' and we all know that's just a bit of banter. I bet they won't even ask about the really silly stuff - our bizarre nonsensical approach to council tax and ban on pensioners' bus passes - instead they'll be like 'stop being racist' and we'll be all 'we're not racist'. Ha! It's stupidity gone mad - vote BNP to privatise the BBC!'

A letter from Comrade Nick

Fellow British Patriot

Question Time is scheduled for 10.35pm tomorrow evening (Thursday) and will be a milestone in the indomitable march of the British National Party towards saving our country.

Our violent opponents on the far Left have promised to lay siege and barricade the studio venue, because they know only too well that this could be THE key moment that propels the BNP into the big time.

Never before have we had the chance to present our patriotic, common sense solutions to Britain's nightmare situation to the public at large in such a prominent fashion.

However, members and supporters must be aware that this show will be a stage-managed farce organised in a specific way to leave several impressions.

The audience will be hand-picked and overtly hostile - thus giving the impression that the British people at large must be hostile to BNP views.

The panellists will be overtly hostile, even the non-political guests will be hostile.

Everyone will be hostile - this will leave the impression to non-informed viewers that BNP views have minority status.

I will, no doubt, be interrupted, shouted down, slandered, put on the spot, and subject to a scrutiny that would be a thousand times more intense than anything directed at other panellists.

It will, in other words, be political blood sport.

But I am relishing this opportunity, and I know that, despite the stage-managed hostile audience and panellists, YOU, the ordinary members, supporters and voters of the BNP, will be in the studio with me as I take on the corrupt, treacherous swine destroying our beautiful island nation.

Yours sincerely for Britannia

Nick Griffin MEP

Chairman, BNP*

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As the summer wore on, and the windmill neared completion, the rumours of an impending treacherous attack grew stronger and stronger. Frederick, it was said, intended to bring against them twenty men all armed with guns, and he had already bribed the magistrates and police, so that if he could once get hold of the title-deeds to Animal Farm they would ask no questions. Moreover, terrible stories were leaking out from Pinchfield about the cruelties Frederick had practiced upon his animals. He had flogged an old horse to death, he had starved his cows, he had killed a dog by throwing into a furnace, he amused himself in the evenings by making cocks fight with splinters of razor blades tied to their spurs. The animal's blood boiled with rage when they heard of these things being done to their comrades, and sometimes they clamoured to be allowed to go out in a body and attack Pinchfield Farm, drive out the humans, and set the animals free. But Squealer counselled them to avoid rash actions and trust in Comrade Napoleon's strategy.

* Note: This letter is real. It was sent out to BNP supporters by their play-dough faced fascist leader today. Despite its explicit silliness and comedic levels of paranoia, I did not make it up. I may have added the Orwell bit though.

D.Quail
Chief egglayer

Now BBC calls for death of pandas

Cuddly, dewy eyed Giant pandas should stop complaining about being endangered and die quietly, a BBC expert said yesterday.

Autumnwatch host Chris Packham claims that Giant pandas, Earth's cutest bear, are stuck in an 'evolutionary cul-de-sac' because they are too stupid to move out of their native habitat - Chinese forests densely populated by evil foreigners. 'I reckon we should pull the plug', he added coldly, while stamping on a puppy.

Packham believes that money currently spent on pandas would be better spent on less lovely creatures such as wasps and scorpions. BBC Director General Mark Thompson, who is said to regularly binge on dolphin meat and runs the corporation from a desk made entirely out of kitten bones, agreed that cute animals have no place in the 21st Century and that viewers should 'learn to love creatures for their genetic efficiency and compound eyes rather than fuzziness'.

An insider said: 'The BBC despises everything you like, including furry things with big eyes. This is yet another reason not to pay your licence fee and moan that they never make anything worth watching apart from Strictly, Dr Who, Attenborough, The Apprentice, Eastenders, Top Gear, Life on Mars, Torchwood, Panorama, Dragon's Den, and Have I Got News for You. Plus, they always get the weather wrong.'

BBC in new row over expenses and Communism

The BBC was under fire today over fresh allegations of exorbitant expense claims and links to the Soviet Union.

Senior corporation producer Guy Burgess abused his expenses account to such an extent that even the professional money squanderers at the bloated, leftist BBC complained he was spending too much licence fee payers' money 'making contacts', according to shocking new documents.

Top secret memos reveal that Burgess' superiors frequently frowned upon his excesses and that he claimed up to a staggering £11 a month on entertaining in his role as producer of a flagship BBC politics show.

The Eton-educated producer even refused to travel by second-class rail while on BBC business. With no thought for the down-trodden middle-class viewers paying his wage, Burgess sniffed: 'I normally travel first class and see no reason why I should alter my practice when on BBC business, particularly when I am in my best clothes'.

Critics have accused the state funded broadcaster of cronyism after funding a lavish dinner for Burgess with the Prime Minister's daughter - 'to discuss a very difficult coal debate at the only time available'. Coal has enjoyed suspiciously favourable coverage on BBC News since the supposedly 'innocent' meal.

The BBC is also facing difficult questions over Burgess' second job as a Russian spy. Having been recruited by the Communists while at Cambridge University, insiders claim the dual role amounts to a conflict of interest and exposes the festering socialism at the rotton heart of British broadcasting. However, George Alagiah was not granted such leniency last week and was sensationally forced to step down as a patron of Fairtrade.

Roger from York slammed Burgess' excesses as typical of New Labour hypocrisy:

While Jim from London was concerned by the connection to Russia and called for an immediate investigation:
A BBC source said: 'Just remember this. All agents defect, and all resisters sell out. Pay your licence fee and stop asking questions.'

Please get angry at the BBC, go on, please?

The BBC is under fire from nobody except the Daily Mail and some rambling buffoons on an internet messageboard over the departure of one of the dancers from some dancing show.

Karen Hardy, former champion of inexplicably popular primetime show Strictly Ballroom Come Dancing With Me Get Bruce Out of Here, has decided not to continue in her role of dancing partner to N-List celebrities because her 39 year old knees are beginning to creak a bit. Hardy is to be replaced by another female dancer who happens to be younger than her.

The decision is reported to be 'amicable', and Hardy will be retained by the BBC to work on other less physically demanding projects.

But critics* say the split has left the BBC 'facing fresh allegations of ageism' from The Daily Mail. Despite a headline yelling 'BBC fends off new ageism row', the Mail's TV & Showbiz cretin Jo Clements failed to name anybody who had actually accused the corporation of ageism or who was doing all the rowing.

Asked what her source for the 'allegations' was, Clements put down her crayons and said: 'Some website. I can't tell you which one, and the people quoted didn't give their names.'

An insider at The Mail explained: 'Our new model for proactive reporting means nothing needs to have actually happened for us to say it has. We tell people there's a 'storm', or a 'row', or whatever, people believe it, then join in and - hey presto! - a real storm.'

The storming row follows another Mail manufactured controversy in which 66 year old witch-queen Arlene Philips was 'axed' from the same show and replaced with the younger and more attractive - but unfortunately ethnic - talent vacuum Alesha Dixon.

A ranting loon on the BBC's own Have Your Say forum gurgled: 'NRRRRG I CAN'T COPE WITH CHANGE'

A man in the real world said: 'There is literally nothing I care less about than who is on Strictly Come Dancing, or whatever it's called.'

* The Daily Mail.

'Never use a long word where a short one will do. If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.'

We don't like BBC programming.

Cbeebies hates you and your children

Tot's TV channel Cbeebies is one of the greatest threats to child development facing Britain today, a shocking new exposé has exposéd.

Beloved by millions of under fours across the country, the station churns out supposedly harmless multi-coloured whimsey such as 'Balamory' and the suggestively titled 'In the Night Garden' for hours on end each day.

But, like [Bag]puss from a septic childhood wound, the truth about Cbeebies has finally been uncovered; it is in fact little more than a mouthpiece through which New Labour newspeak is poured into the homes of Britain's toddlerhood, filling malleable young minds with liberal doublethink that encourages an ever-growing acceptance of diversity and belief that working mothers are perfectly normal.

A cynical ploy to indoctrinate children after traditional broadcasting hours is even available in the form of a chilling 'Cbeebies Player' on the state-funded BBC website.

Stay at home mother Laura Kemp was left feeling 'undermined, undervalued and angry' as she sat down to watch the channel with her two year old. 'I never thought good old Auntie would betray me like this', wept Laura as Tinky Winky pranced across her television screen flaunting his questionable lifestyle choices for all to see. 'It [has] become the Government's ventriloquist's dummy by piping out Labour's send-mums-back-to-work mantra.'

The white middle-class journalist continued: 'There are black, Asian and disabled presenters, ethnic dishes in It's Time For Lunch, world music on Space Pirates, yoga and meditation on Waybuloo...But why am I left out - the woman who chooses to care for her own child? In its paranoid desperation to embrace every minority group, the BBC has overlooked the traditional family.'

An onlooker added: 'Truly, the world has never witnessed discrimination so terrible as Cbeebies. Martin Luther King must be turning in his grave.'

BBC lets Muslims dictate religious broadcasting

Fears that the BBC is to become little more than a 24 hour Salaat service were mounting today, after the state funded broadcaster appointed a Muslim as its new head of religious programming.

The appointment of bearded Aaqil Ahmed comes at a time of deepening worries among Christian leaders that their faith is being sidelined and downgraded by brown people.

Last year the BBC gave the job of producing its most popular and longrunning religious programme, Songs of Praise, to a Sikh, Tommy Nagra. Although we don't watch Songs of Praise, we are willing to bet that traditional English Christian verse has been replaced with Bollywood style love songs and choir boys are forced to dance around turbans.

Mr Ahmed is currently senior executive for religious programmes at liberal broadcaster of soft-core pornography Channel 4. He has commissioned series on the history of Christianity and the Koran - the Muslim book of jihad and halal.

Critics have accused him of dumbing down religion in his post at C4. In one programme an assessment of the state of Christianity was presented by Cherie Blair.

Mr Ahmed is a trustee of the Runnymede Trust, a body that has championed the pernicious ideology of multiculturalism.

The Church of England points out that 70 per cent of the population of Britain professes to be Christian, while only 3 per cent are Muslims.

Sallow eyed columnist Stephen Glover said: 'The BBC does not like God, unless perhaps it be a Muslim, Hindu or Sikh version.'

He added that the appointment of Mr Ahmed was evidence that 'the Corporation has been increasingly pursuing what can only be, at best, described as a non-Christian agenda and, at worst, as an anti-Christian one' for allowing people who don't believe in Yahweh to be on TV.

Silly Blonde Sues Evil Corporation

Here at Quailcliffe House, we have little time for ingrates suing their employers just because they are too sensitive to cope with a little bit of light hearted racism or hilarious sexual harassment jiggery-pokery.

Equally, however, we also whole-heartedly condemn the corrupt state owned broadcaster known as the BBC, purveyor of smut, peddlar of immorality, and shower of violent soap operas that it is.

So today's revelation that BBC TV and radio filth pimp Tessa Dunlop - presenter of such vile and distasteful programming as 'History Hunters with Bill Oddie' and BBC Radio London's 'The Late Show' - has launched a sexual discrimination claim against the Ministry of Truth Beeb, vexes us greatly.

On the one hand, there is little doubt that taking umbridge at being fired two weeks after giving birth to your child is beyond reason. Mothers should be legally obliged to surrender their lives to the good of the family the instant an infant squeezes its way out of the womb, into the terrifying, multicultural fog that hangs over New Labour's Britain like a great cloud of inclusive misery, eroding traditional values, rewarding terrorists and weakening the gene pool. A woman who tries to work after selfishly flooding herself with hormones during the 9 month gestation period is about as useful as a loincloth on a killer whale.

On the other, it is a well established fact that the BBC is one of the most harmful forces in Britain today and must be stopped before it can achieve its ultimate goal of creating a godless, tolerant country of slavish dedication to the Stalinist regime commanded by Overlord Brown and his team of spin-doctors. Therefore, any legal action against the bloated, irresponsible propaganda machine is to be encouraged.

But how are we to support a vituous financial and moral assault on a beast as wicked as Auntie, while simultaneously decrying the actions of a feckless blonde woman who lacked the common sense to wait until she had retired to have children?

If this Jezebel had been an employee of our fine newspaper, she would have been swiftly ejected from her position as soon as anyone noted even the merest suggestion of a bump beneath her blouse. You can't chase exclusives with some young libertine running around throwing up all over the newsroom.

But that is not to say the BBC took the correct course of action. They behaved recklessly and deserve to be punished for hiring such a weak, untrustworthy person in the first place, and for making us pay a licence fee.

However, Miss Dunlop is wrong to claim 'sex discrimination', because there is no such thing. She has no right to claim compensation, being a woman and all.

It's awfully confusing. We really don't know how to handle this one, and unfortunately Media Watch don't work Sundays so they can't tell us what to think. If any readers have any insights, please arrange for them to be telegrammed to use before tea time.

The Enemy of Our Enemy is Our Friend

The BBC is even worse than the Stalinist Labour government and its unelected dictator Gordon McBroon, it emerged today.

The Daily Mail's resident auntie-watcher Liz Thomas lept to the defence of Britain's PM today after BBC presenter Jeremy Clarkson called him a rude name, despite the well established fact that McBroon is the amalgamated reincarnation of Stalin, Mussolini and Norse demon god of fire and trickery, Loki.

Clarkson's unforgivable description of McBroon as a 'one-eyed Scottish idiot' sparked outrage and led to a flurry of nearly one complaint, as the state-controlled broadcaster faced mounting calls from nobody for the jean-wearing presenter's immediate dismissal.

The sickening remarks were made 10,000 miles away in the former prison colony of Australia, as Clarkson - who came under fire last year for swearing, destroying icons of Britishness and offending lorry drivers - hosted a press conference about Top Gear Live, a stage version of the irresponsible BBC motor show which regularly encourages viewers to break the speed limit and smoke dangerous substances.

After the vicious insult, he said to co-star Richard Hammond: 'I said that out loud, didn't I?', before facetiously laughing the situation off as if it nobody would be outraged when they read about it in England.

The BBC issued a statement noting that the presenter had apologised and said no further action would be taken because of this. A spokesman said: 'Really? Look, you've called us 11 times already today. Please go away. No, we don't have any comment on the rumours that Paxman skins kittens alive. Pardon? No, we won't refund your licence fee because you don't like Chris Moyles. Just turn the radio off.'

BBC Broadcasts ANOTHER Thing We Don't Like

A television show that nobody watched, broadcast by left-wing filth peddlers at the BBC after the watershed a week ago, has triggered a flood of complaints for making fun of lesbians.

Thirteen people, and Ann Widdecombe, were outraged at porn star Ron Jeremy's peverted vision of Lindsay Lohan romping with her gay lover before asking him to join in and 'do him'. It is thought Jeremy was representing the personal views of the evil faceless broadcasting corporation and that they hate all minorities.

One media outlet that has an exemplary record of promoting gay and lesbian rights, and is completely entitled to pass judgment on others over their treatment of homosexuals, branded the BBC 'institutionally indecent' following the program.

A BBC spokesman said: 'Look, just shut up. Please. It's getting ridiculous now.'

Here are some unrelated stories:

LESBIAN STABS LOVER 222 TIMES

'SINISTER' LESBIAN STALKER BROKE INTO LAWYER'S HOME ARMED WITH ROPE AND KNIFE

LESBIAN SOLDIER WINS OBSCENE PAYOUT

LESBIANS MAKE OUT IN HOLLYOAKS! JIZZZZZ!

LOVESICK LESBIAN CRIED RAPE

SIENNA MILLER KISSES A GIRL!!! LESBIAN! SPUNNNNNNNNNNK!

Chris Moyles Calls Poles Whores

Overweight BBC filthbag Chris Moyles has sparked fresh outrage by declaring on his radio show that Polish people 'make good prostitutes'.

Jan Mokrzycki, president of the Federation of Poles in Great Britain said seriously: 'We are too serious an organisation to bother with someone as insignificant as Chris Moyles', before releasing a press statement and sending a serious letter to the BBC saying: 'Statements he has made on his show are greatly damaging to the image of the Polish community in the UK.'

The confused fury was ignited by the blubbery DJ's outrageous comments on his vile early morning radio show. Moyles said: 'I just find if you're Polish you're just very good at ironing... and prostitutes…..very good also at fixing cars, so hopefully that's not going to give me a problem in the car department.'

Polish people, who enjoy crashing aircraft over Heathrow, were disgusted and an avalanche of 32 complaints followed the broadcast. British Poles, who have been known to kill British workmen due to their inability to speak English, lead the criticism against Moyles on the Polish news website Infolinia.org, calling his comments 'nasty stereotyping'.

Describing the comments as 'racist', many Poles, who claim £21 million of fraudulent child benefit, called for an immediate public apology. They say the comments perpetuate an unfair perception that Polish people, who suck £1bn a year out of the economy and consider groping innocent British women an acceptable past-time, are 'feckless' and rubbish.

The Polish community, which swells by over 1,000 every month and has been described as an 'influx', reacted by organising a petition to register their disgust at the vile, unwarranted and barely comprehensible comments.

But the BBC seemed not to care, saying in a statement: 'Chris was poking fun at ridiculous and unfair stereotypes, and making a nonsense of generalisations based on nationality. At no point did he say that Polish people [who are taking all our houses] were involved in prostitution – he separately joked that prostitutes were good at fixing cars and ironing.'

Here are some unrelated links.

BBC Broadcasts Barrowman's Nuts

Fury, outrage, horror and digust erupted yesterday as an 'openly gay' BBC television star exposed his homosexual genitlia during a live BBC broadcast.

John Barrowman, for it was he, got his 'fruit and nuts out' as he was egged on by rabid BBC presenters Nick Grimshaw and Annie Mac, who both earn five or six figure sums from the BBC to peddle smut, swear words and rock 'n' roll music on their BBC programme. Barrowman was wearing a helmet during the broadcast, possibly as some kind of subtle visual innuendo.

Although nobody actually saw 'Mr' Barrowman's genitals because the BBC show was broadcast on the radio, it is thought that up to 100 million children might have imagined a gay man's penis thanks to the 'crude comments which accompanied the incident [which] made it clear what had happened.' It is feared that vast swathes of these innocent children will now be at risk of catching homosexuality as a result of impure thoughts, leaving them unable to reproduce or throw properly.

A BBC spokesman who we captured and tied to a chair after the incident admitted that the show had 'overstepped the mark', as she was prodded with pitchforks and dunked in a river.

Get Him

This is simply a step too far.

After outraging bus enthusiasts by wantonly exploding a routemaster, offending Britain's sensitive lorry driving community, and, worst of all, earning more money than you, Jeremy Clarkson has sparked fresh outrage and horror by making an obscene hand gesture at an American police officer (or 'cop').

Critics immediately called for a ban on all TV gesticulations and the suspension of Clarkson for three months without pay, just like that other presenter we don't like.

The BBC is now facing demands to fit straight-jackets and muzzles to all of its presenters, broadcast programmes without sound lest audiences hear swears, and to issue all license fee payers with free light-deflecting spectacles to use if something rude is about to happen. An email alert system, warning taxpayers of impending rudeness so they can tune in and subsequently complain about offensive programming they might otherwise have missed, is also being looked into.

BBC Programming is Physically and Mentally Harmful

Government communications channel BBC1, which consumes £100billion of taxpayers' money every year, was under fire last night for its depiction of graphic violence in South London based soap opera "East-Enders".

The show, which is aimed at impressionable young teenagers and sensitive middle class families, was aired at 7.30 on Friday night, and featured a horrific storyline that saw one character get knifed to death at the hands of a vicious, probably non-white, criminal gang. Appalled viewers were subjected to the brutal scenes glorifying Britain's knife culture just as they were sitting down to a nice dinner with their loved ones, and it is thought that the BBC's scheduling was designed to inflict the maximum possible moral damage upon unsuspecting audiences. Families were forced to watch the macabre scenes that lingered on the bloodied and grotesquely realistic corpse. Some sources suggested that the actor playing the part of the victim was actually slaughtered by the show's producers in the name of realism.

One viewer watched in terror as the gratuitous televisual opera caused his son to vomit up his own liver and reduced his wife to floods of mortified tears. Another viewer spontaneously burst into flames, and there were reports linking the program with Hurricane Gustav.

The BBC has since been inundated with dozens of complaints, many from people who hadn't even watched the program but had read about it and felt really really angry. Anonymous inside sources informed The Quail that the BBC could face bankruptcy due to the hundreds of compensation claims for damage caused by the show to viewers' health and property.

In a shocking statement released after the crisis, the broadcaster said: 'We understand that some viewers were upset, but we [don't care]'.