Mail reviews film without watching it

Never let it be said that The Daily Mail was a newspaper that stood by and watched impotently as its own industry crumbled about its cloven hooves.

While others have struggled to remain relevant in the fiercely competitive 21st Century media landscape by innovating online or unveiling risky new advertising strategies, The Mail has unveiled its killer new media hand by recruiting a crack team of writers able to pontificate without knowing anything about their subject matter. It is thought that the new strategy will generate efficiency savings of, like, a million-and-eight per cent or something.

Condemning sick filth Antichrist, a new film by 'art-house' Dutch Danish director Lars von Trier, 'broad-minded critic' Christopher Hart managed to criticise the BBFC, the EU, the Dutch Danish Government and Western civilisation itself, while boasting that he hadn't actually seen it:

You do not need to see Lars von Trier's Antichrist to know how revolting it is.

I haven't seen it myself, nor shall I...merely reading about Antichrist is stomach-turning, and enough to form a judgment.

As Ernest Hemingway said of obscenity in a justifiably disgusting image, you don't need to eat a whole bowl of scabs to know they're scabs.

Now the anonymous moral guardians of the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC), in their infinite wisdom, have passed this foul film for general consumption.

It doesn't shock or surprise me in the slightest that Europe now produces such pieces of sick, pretentious trash, fully confirming our jihadist enemies' view of us as a society in the last stages of corruption and decay.

It doesn't surprise me that Antichrist was heavily subsidised by the Danish Film Institute to the tune of 1.5 million euros.

In artistic terms, it is the equivalent of food poisoning.

If I were to see Antichrist...it would poison my mind and imagination, with explicit, ferocious scenes of sexual violence that would stay with me for ever.

Hart added mystically: 'I don't need to research things to write about them. I just know.'

* Update *

Some bloke rambles on about The Mail's Antichrist review, and Chris Hart himself replies.

What The Mail Will Say About The British Comedy Awards

The Daily Mail will tomorrow describe ITV's British Comedy Awards as 'shambolic' and 'offensive', we can exclusively reveal.

The awards show, which was cancelled last year after The Mail engineered a scandal over 'phone vote irregularities', was hosted by Angus Deayton after usual presenter Jonathan Ross was forced to pull out due to another Daily Mail designed scandal.

Deayton, who was forced out of his job five years ago thanks to a Daily Mail scandal, appeared rushed and stumbled over his lines while introducing guest presenters. Speaking about the flood of complaints over Russell Brand's Radio 2 show, Deayton called the concerned and perfectly normal people who registered their justified disgust as "30,000 self-righteous twats who never heard the programme in the first place."

Brand, who was forced to resign from his radio show as a result of a scandal conceived by The Daily Mail, won the 'Best Stand Up' award at the show.

At several points, Kevin Bishop from Muppet Treasure Island was heard to shout obscenities at guests on stage. When he lost out to 'The Inbetweeners' in the 'Best New British Comedy' category, Bishop was seen throwing an assortment of items at the winners. Nothing was done to prevent sensitive viewers from hearing the Bishop's disgraceful tirade, despite the ceremony's post-watershed time slot.

Despite its usual outrage at colourful language in broadcast, The Daily Mail will not be calling for a ban on the awards because they were shown on ITV and not the BBC. ITV does not pose as great a threat to the Daily Mail & General Trust's local news interests as the beeb, so they think they're alright. If the show had been shown by the BBC, things would be different and the sick filth would need to be banned NOW.

However, The Mail will express outrage at Russell Brand's success in his category, and will gloat at Ross's failure to win a gong.

* Update *

Just five weeks after quitting the BBC in disgrace, Russell Brand is voted is voted top stand up comic (and, unbelievably, dedicates his triumph to Jonathan Ross

Comedian Alan Carr apologises over 'sick' Karen Matthews quip

BBC Broadcasts Barrowman's Nuts

Fury, outrage, horror and digust erupted yesterday as an 'openly gay' BBC television star exposed his homosexual genitlia during a live BBC broadcast.

John Barrowman, for it was he, got his 'fruit and nuts out' as he was egged on by rabid BBC presenters Nick Grimshaw and Annie Mac, who both earn five or six figure sums from the BBC to peddle smut, swear words and rock 'n' roll music on their BBC programme. Barrowman was wearing a helmet during the broadcast, possibly as some kind of subtle visual innuendo.

Although nobody actually saw 'Mr' Barrowman's genitals because the BBC show was broadcast on the radio, it is thought that up to 100 million children might have imagined a gay man's penis thanks to the 'crude comments which accompanied the incident [which] made it clear what had happened.' It is feared that vast swathes of these innocent children will now be at risk of catching homosexuality as a result of impure thoughts, leaving them unable to reproduce or throw properly.

A BBC spokesman who we captured and tied to a chair after the incident admitted that the show had 'overstepped the mark', as she was prodded with pitchforks and dunked in a river.

Ban Russell Brand NOW

Vile Russell Brand was under fire once again last night after admitting that the only reason he has big hair is to make women think he's gay - all so he can lure them into bed where he will do all manner of unspeakable, demeaning things like touching them and things.

The sick, bouffant-haired devil-worshipper even revealed that he regularly impregnates unsuspecting ladies with the intention of creating an entire generation of mini Brands. It is thought that, with the help of these 'Brand spawn', the comedian might one day be able to launch an attack on decency and traditional values so vicious that the very earth upon which England lies might dissolve into a seething pit of offensive language and depraved 'humour', leaving nothing but Channel Five, FHM and punk rock swirling in a putrid vortex of loose morals and self-gratification.

Brand's claims emerged in a shocking interview with American TV host David Letterman, after Brand shamefully resigned from his BBC job and escaped like a disgraced criminal to America. He has been succesfully tormented out of Britain following The Mail's glorious and incisive victory against his tasteless style of so-called humour, but it seems he is determined to wreak his filth now upon the USA.

As most British viewers would probably not get the chance to be offended by this latest sick bile, Quail readers are encouraged to click on this HTML internet ultralink, where they can download the full interview. Make sure to visit this site afterwards to register your abject horror and disgust afterwards.