Now PC Harman wants to ban wife beating

Abusive husbands were left furious today after a 'controversial' new drive to reduce domestic violence against troublesome women was unveiled by chief feminazi Harriet Harman.

Under the contentious scheme, children as young as five will be taught that time-honoured traditions of men beating their wives when they take too long doing the dishes or refuse sex because they 'have a headache', are no longer acceptable in today's politically correct, ultra-feminised society.

Shockingly, boys will be indoctrinated that their female friends are 'people' with so-called 'human rights', and just because girls are weak and over-sensitive doesn't mean it's acceptable to punish them for disobedience.

But imaginary critics warned that ministers are cramming the already over-stuffed National Curriculum with silly lessons that should be taught in the home, and schools should teach proper subjects like maths and fox-hunting instead of focusing on the supposed rights of nagging women.

In a pink, fluffy-lined document spattered with the wooly language of Miss Harman's equality dogma, the Government says the first ever so-called 'Violence Against Women and Girls' strategy is already in production by Government departments, and will be ready to make life harder for boys everywhere this autumn.

It squeals girlishly: 'Our vision is a society where women and girls feel safe and confident in their homes and communities...we want to overcome women's and girls' fear of crime and the gender-based violence that they experience.'

Sources suggest that equality-mad Harman is simply bitter at not being given the same opportunities as men and wants to make life as difficult as possible for the male sex as revenge.

In addition to the brainwashing lessons forced upon children by schools, the Health Service's scant recources are to be hijacked to conduct futile studies into how the treatment of women claiming to be at risk of violence can be improved, and police must waste valuable time that could be spent solving real crimes reviewing alleged incidents of 'domestic violence'.

The plans are being rolled out despite evidence showing that boys and young men are more than twice as likely to fall victim to violence, and that it is in fact young women who are becoming increasingly mean: a staggering 25% of all violent assaults in England and Wales are carried out by vicious ladette women, and it is the most common reason for females to be arrested.

The other 75% of violent assaults are thought to be carried out by transvestites and gays, not men.

In a 'blitzkrieg against the male sex', Harman is also understood to be considering plans to make rape even more difficult to get away with - despite recent news that a massive 1 in every 16 rape accusations results in a conviction.

A local man said tearfully: 'Please, won't somebody think of the men? What am I supposed to do when I come home steaming drunk and she won't put out because she's on? Watch TV?!'

Asked why he despises women so much, hate-filled misogynist James Slack - described as 'unlovable' by his own mother - replied: 'I'll never forget how that bitch Sally poked me in the eye in year four. It really hurt.'

Daily Mail wants to keep Nigerian criminals in Britain

In a surprising U-turn, The Daily Mail said today that instead of being sent back where they came from, Nigerian criminals should remain in Britain to take your job and rob your house.

Confusion erupted as the newspaper more commonly associated with its pro- 'put-them-all-on-the-first-banana-boat-back-to-Africa' stance on immigration also decided it would rather spend more taxpayers' money keeping brown nogoodniks here than save cash by helping to build a dedicated facility in some far-off African land where they could be pleasantly forgotten about.

Currently there are around 400 Nigerian convicts festering in UK jails who can't be deported thanks to absurd EU laws designed to protect their 'human rights'. Amnesty International claims that the country's jail conditions are 'appalling' and extraditions could be successfully fought by arguing conditions are inhumane.

But proposals from the the UK Border Agency would see 400 criminals relocated to a 'comfortable' purpose built facility costing the British taxpayer a staggering £1million. Female chief executive Lin Homer claims that the deal to work alongside African authorities in constructing a prison with 'acceptable' standards would actually save money by stemming a drain on British penal resources. The cost of keeping prisoners in UK cells is £30,000 per year - or £12million per year for a job lot of 400 Nigerians.

Completely ignoring the £11million pound saving to be made, Matthew Elliott of the TaxPayers' Alliance hooted: 'It's an absolute scandal that British taxpayers may foot the bill for a Nigerian prison', before scurrying back under his limpet encrusted rock in a crab-like fashion to look for detritus to feed on.

A confused local man said: 'This is outrageous political correctness gone bonkers. If anything, we should be encouraging more Nigerians to come here to sleep with our wives and claim benefits. I think it's disgraceful that the Government is spending less money while simultaneously easing the strain on our overcrowded jails - especially at the height of a recession. Additionally, I wish the BBC would increase the licence fee.'

Migrants set to come into possession of passports

THE number of British passports given to migrants is set to hit a record-breaking, hernia-inducing height of 220,000 this year. In the first three months of 2009, almost 56,000 "citizenship applications" sailed through the system-- an increase of around 57% on the same period in 2008, and an increase of around 26% on the number of Norwegians who landed on British soil in similar fashion in October 1066.

If these worrying trends continue, the number of migrants recieving passports this year-- and with them, the monumental priviledges associated, such as sickness benefit-- could nuke the previous record of 164,540 set in 2007. To put things in perspective: that glorious year before New Labour had yet managed to throw a spanner in the works of the immigration machine, 1997, just 37,010 newcomers were given citizenship.

At this rate, expert has warned, there will be more immigrants arriving on our hallowed soil than there are Bretons already here, by something like 2011 or 1025 maybe.

The reason for the influx is that immigration controls will likely be tightened next year, as the shambolic administration implements a system of "earned citizenship". Predictably, the news has caused a deluge of the dirty molerats to 'try it while they can'. Expert has speculated that immigration laws should in fact be made less stringent, thereby reducing the amount of immigrants arriving and making perfect sense at the same time.

Middle Classes Plan Balmy Summer Revolt

Fears of a searing summer of discontent grew today as 10,752,392.57* middle-class firebrands voiced their intention to take part in protests against 'rising unemployment, failing financial institutions and the downturn in the economy.'


A secret dossier seen by The Quail reveals that the protestors' London march will start at mighty Northcliffe House, home of infinite British justice, and march directly to Fortnum & Mason where necessary demonstration biscuits and conserves will be acquired.

The angry mob, led by a raging James Slack, will then continue to the Square Mile, where slogans such as 'Down with this sort of thing!' and 'What don't we want? Bank bail outs! When don't we not want them? Never!' will be chanted at a moderate volume. Tea will be taken at 3 o'clock.

Demonstrators still able to remember why they were so outraged in the first place will move onto Downing Street where a petition will be handed over demanding increased surveillance of terrorist suspects but a reduction in the number of CCTV cameras and people on the DNA database, less political correctness but a ban on swearing in BBC programming, and fewer benefits for single mothers but increased welfare support for the middle classes.

For those protestors eager to publically vent their outrage but unsure of how to dress appropriately, a guide to the hottest new looks for ladies of the anti-establishment persuasion can be found on this hypertext site.

* Mail Online monthly readership: 22,877,431. 47% of that is 10,752,392.57. See? Totally accurate.

Part 1: Coming Over Here, Taking Our Jobs

Nearly half a million foreigners were issued with with work permits last year, despite the hundreds of thousands of British workers being made redundant as the economy slides further into recession.

Shadow Home Secretary Chris Grayling said the 156,635 foreigners were granted permission to work made a mockery of Gordon Brown's promise of 'British jobs for British workers'. Unemployment rose by 290,000 in the same period, from December 1, 2007 to November 30, 2008, proving that foreigners are literally stealing jobs from employed Britons - leaving them destitute, face down in the gutter of society with only an old, mud-spattered dog - often with less
than four legs - for company.

The fact that the 156,635 must have already secured a job in Britain before being granted a visa and that they are in fact creating additional jobs, reducing the percentage of people unemployed, is irrelevant, said an insider.

Worryingly, the foreigners aren't even from the EU, but from distant lands such as America, China and Australia, where traditional British values - such as marriage and Christianity - are unheard of, meaning that they will never be able to properly integrate into society. Instead, they are expected to form feral tribes, building primitive villages where plans to destroy the pillars of Englishness will be formulated and bizarre sporting rituals like so-called 'American Football' will be performed.

Chinese script - which contains up to a bewildering 9000 characters - is widely expected to replace the English alphabet within 10 years, and American cuisine is already increasingly encroaching on our proud gastronomic heritage as dried dog meat, or 'jerky', and steamed hams, or 'ham-burgers', become ever more popular. Similarly, Australian immigrants have been blamed for the rise in people finishing all of their sentences with a raised intonation and for the growing prevalence of incredibly weak lager beer in Britain.

The shocking revelations led one commentor to call for the return of a true British hero to sort this shambles out, and over hundred people agreed:

Migrant Workers Will Continue to Flock to UK for Almost a Decade, says Thinktank

Worrying figures were released today showing that the number of migrant workers from the Eastern Bloc piling into our country would continue unabated for nearly a decade, until 2010.

According to the objective and independent report by non-political and completely trustworthy thinktank Migrationwatch UK, the number of Polish nomads registering to work in our fair country peaked at 228,000 in 2006. The plague-like influx was largely due to New Labour’s misinformed decision in 2004 to join the EU and open Britain’s gates to a tide of immigrants, while many other European states such as France, Germany and Australia, kept their borders safely shut. Thankfully, these countries will be forced to adopt an open immigration policy by 2011, meaning that many of the undesirable foreigners will go elsewhere instead, where they will be free from the horrors of Blair’s Britain like knife crime, political correctness, socialism and reality TV.

Migrationwatch, whose website prominently features well written tabloid headlines such as ‘Migration must be curbed’ and ‘Asylum seeker has deadly super TB’, optimistically predicts that the number of Eastern Europeans registering to work here will fall to 80,000 in 2010, and 50,000 in 2011. Following these figures through yields the utopian possibility that there might in fact be a negative number of immigrants in Britain by 2025.

Despite this good news, Sir Andrew Green, lord commander of Migrationwatch, warned that the Government should not use the good news as a lazy liberal excuse to claim that the public no longer need to be concerned about immigration levels, and that, confusingly, ‘The latest population estimates confirm that, in the next 25 years, we will have to build seven cities the size of Birmingham just for new immigrants.’ Birmingham, according the latest estimates, has 1.06 million residents, meaning that, if Sir Andrew’s predictions are accurate, there will be over 7 million immigrants living in Britain within the next quarter of a century, or around 12% of the UK’s current population. Sir Andrew was unavailable to comment on the apparent disparity between his own figures and those of Migrationwatch.

A Home Office bureaucrat, no doubt acting under propaganda guidelines from Brussels, said: ‘Nationals from the Accession 8 countries [those that joined the EU in 2004] continue to come to the UK to work, contributing to the success of the economy, whilst making few demands of our welfare system’. However, Bruce from London, in an insightful piece of rhetoric, asked 'Who really believes government claptrap that immigration benefits the economy? Are the economies of Germany, France and Austria suffering so badly because they blocked East European immigration until 2011? Hardly.'