Super sexy misogyny special

So many women, so little time!

Do you ever find there just aren't enough hours in the day to judge, condemn, snipe and sneer at all the women you see in the papers and on TV? We do, so without further ado, let's get misogynistic! As an added bonus, please enjoy Olivia Newton-John's seminal 1981 classic 'Let's Get Physical' while you peruse the hot lady action.

First up, here's a nubile young thing - not too fat, not too thin - in her pants. Look at those curves: nice! After you've wiped yourself off, shake your head as you slag off her tattoos. I wouldn't let my daughter defile her own body like that - would you? Tell yourself that by criticising her tats you haven't really just been staring at a mostly naked 22 year old for no good reason.


Next!

Just how does Cheryl get her hair looking so good? What's her secret? You'll never guess...

Hair products! What a fake. And did you know she's Northern? Yes, it's a shame.


Next!

Lady GaGa fell over on stage. HAHAHAHAHAHA! She fell. Over. On stage! Women are so clumsy! Oh, and by the way here she is with a man's elbow touching her crotch. Mmmm, isn't it?


Onwards.

Eurgh, look at this foul thing smoking a cigarette. So unattractive. And look, she's a bit wrinkly too, probably the fags. It's not the same as pipes for us boys, the ladies love that musky aroma. No, let's be clear: women smoking is just plain offputting. Who is Hannah Waterman anyway? Ah, who cares.


Next!

Oh, Leona. You showed such promise. Great voice, nice hair, an acceptable body weight. We felt bad when that chap punched you, but now you've gone and worn a bloody see-through black top that shows your white bra when our photographer's megawatt flash goes off in your face, we see our sorrow was misplaced. You're breaking our fashion rules, hussy.


Who's next? Woohoo, it's Britney!

So obviously Britney was attractive when she was young, then she went fat and bonkers, and now she's doing her best to look nice again. Here she is in some skimpy clothes. There isn't really a story here, but it is a rather wonderful opportunity to laugh at how rubbish she is, while looking at her breasts:


'the singer was heavily criticised by fans and local media after she apparently lip-synched her way through the concerts.' Teehee!

'Tickets for her show were put on eBay with starting prices as low as 55p, with top-price tickets valued at £90 going for as little as £14.' Chuckle! Failure.

'Melbourne's Herald Sun newspaper said that performances there saw fans walk out early in disgust at a lacklustre performance' Guffaw! Still, nice tits you washed-up nutcase.

Right, one more.

This supermodel died after having plastic surgery on her 'buttocks'. She's dead, but that won't stop us printing a shot of her in the shortest dress we could find. Anyway, let's leave it to the commenters to sum up this tragic death:


'Well, she certainly won't be the envy of everyone now and I truly hope these pathetic people will stop playing with nature. This is all for the sake of vanity and we all know what we see isn't the 'real' person anyway' Quite. Not so vain now, is she? Ha.

'Silly woman! any operation carries a risk however small....how do you tell her children mummy died because she wanted a firmer behind? What price vanity eh?' What price vanity, indeed, Eddy from Oldham. Good question.

Well, death, it seems. Says so in the article.

'stupid silly girl. now her darling twins are motherless...'

For heavens sake, why didn't she think of that BEFORE SHE DIED?!

Idiot.

Cancer jab and booze turns girls into lying floozies, studies find

Alcohol and the HPV vaccine are creating a generation of young hussies hell-bent on drinking themselves to oblivion while tempting unsuspecting men into illicit encounters in WKD sodden hotel rooms before blaming the whole thing on male trickery, it was claimed today.

A study of 200 harlots in Greater London found up to 75% of them rated innocuous 'date-rape drugs' as a significant risk factor in sexual assaults, instead of real causes such as short skirts, high heels, and shameless flirting. Many said they would attribute symptoms such as sickness, blackouts and dizziness to Rohypnol or GHB poisoning despite the far more likely explanation that ladies simply can't hold their drink properly - especially when it comes to beer.

A local alcoholic explained: 'Ha! Wimmin, eh? Can't hold their drink. I've sheen girlsh shtop after only a couple of lagersh in cashe they get shloshed - pfft! I've had eight pintsh thish morning and I'm fine.'

Dr Adam Burgess of the University of Kent agreed that young women were probably just making it up when blaming blackouts and unexpected nookie on 'date-rape drugs': 'There have hardly been any cases where it has been proved that sedatives such as rohypnol and GHB have been used in a rape incident. Yet it has been a storyline that has appeared in virtually every TV soap. Maybe that tells us something about the programmes these women are watching.'

The study comes as a survey of pre-pubescant proto-strumpets found that the HPV vaccine probably might encourage some young girls to maybe be a bit more promiscuous, or not. Alarmingly, as many as 100% of school girls aged 12 and 13 said that the HPV vaccine made them feel protected from getting cervical cancer, while a massive 1 in 7 girls confused by the question and unsure what 'promiscuous' meant, said that the jab would make them 'take more risks'.

Unnamed family groups and imaginary experts expressed fears that HPV would lead to a rise in unplanned pregnancies and a fall in house prices. One girl said: 'I don't like jabs. They hurt my arm.'

More: NHS Choices

Is the Mail suffering from split personality disorder?

Fears were growing today for the mental health of the Daily Mail, as the newspaper founded by Hitler's chum enacted yet another astonishing reverse ferret.

Only two weeks after declaring the NHS 'A Good Thing' despite years of vitriolic fury directed at Britain's health soviet, and a day after the shock revelation that they can spell 'gypsy' but just don't want to, the Mail has decreed that wife beating and violence against women is bad afterall.

The U-turn comes less than a month after angry single man James Slack argued that women are beating men up left, right, and centre, and that school lessons highlighting the dangers of domestic abuse are nothing more than a waste of time and resources, and that Harriet Harman is a cow.

For an in depth investigation by a concerned blogger into the Mail's pathological duality, see 'Now the Mail WANTS wife-beating lessons for children as young as five' at MailWatch.

Now PC Harman wants to ban wife beating

Abusive husbands were left furious today after a 'controversial' new drive to reduce domestic violence against troublesome women was unveiled by chief feminazi Harriet Harman.

Under the contentious scheme, children as young as five will be taught that time-honoured traditions of men beating their wives when they take too long doing the dishes or refuse sex because they 'have a headache', are no longer acceptable in today's politically correct, ultra-feminised society.

Shockingly, boys will be indoctrinated that their female friends are 'people' with so-called 'human rights', and just because girls are weak and over-sensitive doesn't mean it's acceptable to punish them for disobedience.

But imaginary critics warned that ministers are cramming the already over-stuffed National Curriculum with silly lessons that should be taught in the home, and schools should teach proper subjects like maths and fox-hunting instead of focusing on the supposed rights of nagging women.

In a pink, fluffy-lined document spattered with the wooly language of Miss Harman's equality dogma, the Government says the first ever so-called 'Violence Against Women and Girls' strategy is already in production by Government departments, and will be ready to make life harder for boys everywhere this autumn.

It squeals girlishly: 'Our vision is a society where women and girls feel safe and confident in their homes and communities...we want to overcome women's and girls' fear of crime and the gender-based violence that they experience.'

Sources suggest that equality-mad Harman is simply bitter at not being given the same opportunities as men and wants to make life as difficult as possible for the male sex as revenge.

In addition to the brainwashing lessons forced upon children by schools, the Health Service's scant recources are to be hijacked to conduct futile studies into how the treatment of women claiming to be at risk of violence can be improved, and police must waste valuable time that could be spent solving real crimes reviewing alleged incidents of 'domestic violence'.

The plans are being rolled out despite evidence showing that boys and young men are more than twice as likely to fall victim to violence, and that it is in fact young women who are becoming increasingly mean: a staggering 25% of all violent assaults in England and Wales are carried out by vicious ladette women, and it is the most common reason for females to be arrested.

The other 75% of violent assaults are thought to be carried out by transvestites and gays, not men.

In a 'blitzkrieg against the male sex', Harman is also understood to be considering plans to make rape even more difficult to get away with - despite recent news that a massive 1 in every 16 rape accusations results in a conviction.

A local man said tearfully: 'Please, won't somebody think of the men? What am I supposed to do when I come home steaming drunk and she won't put out because she's on? Watch TV?!'

Asked why he despises women so much, hate-filled misogynist James Slack - described as 'unlovable' by his own mother - replied: 'I'll never forget how that bitch Sally poked me in the eye in year four. It really hurt.'

Harriet Harman hates men, pt. 742

Dowdy lady politician Harriet Harman was embroiled in an unpleasant sexism row today after blaming the global recession entirely on anyone with a pork sword and a scrote.

Labour's deputy Leader - guffawfully dubbed Harriet Harperson by The Daily Mail for her absurd views on equality - said something along the lines of 'if it had been Lehman Sisters not Lehman Brothers there might not have been so much difficulty'. Despite being taken ludicrously out of context and actually said by someone else, the comment proves how much Harman hates men.

The former Blair babe also said she would like to see even more women driving companies into the ground instead of staying at home caring for their children: 'I do seriously think that half the financial service industry is women now. Women make up half the workforce on financial institutions and banks. Why shouldn't they have a say on the boards as well?'

An insider said: 'Well obviously they can't have a say on the boards because they're too emotional. And what would happen if there was a meeting when they've, er, got the painters in? All hell would break loose.'

Instead of a reasonable comment on gender balance in the workplace, Harman's outrageous misandry was interpreted by some as an attempt to shore up public support for her own future ambitions on becoming the first girl Prime Minister since Saint Thatcher of Mags in the good old days. Sources say that, if elected, Harman's first move as PM would be to pass legislation banning men wearing trousers at work, instead forcing them into tutus and having them make the tea. She is also believed to be in favour of introducing towering thrones for female employees, while men are to be provided with small, wobbly plastic stools too low to even reach the desk properly.

But her screeching feminism drew a sharp response from John Prescott, who told her to 'stop complaining' and asked on his blog: 'Why take away from the party the right to choose its leaders on the basis of ability?'

Experts agreed the selection system that gave John Prescott the position of Deputy Prime Minister was clearly flawless and Harman should just shut up and do the ironing.

Over sensitive woman whines over 'tache shot

In the good old days, women knew their place, were mindful of their limits, and carried out their duty to be lovely at all times without complaint.

But thanks to today's politically correct climate of tolerance, acceptance, and gender equality, it seems that even midgets, disableds and bearded ladies are allowed to complain about being publicly mocked for the their grotesque - but hilarious - appearances.

And that's just what happened when The Mail published a candid paparazzi photograph of Channel 4 TV presenter Kirstie Allsopp sporting what might sensitively be described as 'a massive f*cking moustache' above her top lip.

'Kirstie Allsopp keeps stiff upper lip after burst of hair growth in unfortunate location location', the headline guffawed. Daily Mail Reporter (who celebrated his 12th birthday last week) added sardonically:

The 37-year-old's upper lip looked suspiciously dark and and unless she'd just finished a mug of hot chocolate and forgotten to wipe off the evidence, it appears she is need of some me time.

But Ms Allsopp, who hosts dull property show Location, Location, Location, failed to see the funny side of the harmless pointing and laughing, accusing The Mail of 'pathetic journalism'. On her Twitter weblog internet journal-site, Allsop claimed that her new Italian plumber look was simply a result of hormones 'from the birth of my sons'. Speaking to recovering drug addict Richard Bacon on Five Live, she said she had chloasma, a condition that causes discolouration in the faces of recent mothers.

'I was just gobsmacked', she said. 'It was such a silly, nasty piece. Don't have a go at something thousands of women suffer from after having a baby.'

She also suggested that The Mail was somehow insensitive to feature the story on the same page as an article about a young girl driven to suicide by bullying, before going on to challenge Mail editor Paul 'Darth' Dacre to a fight behind Tesco.

Following the petty furore, Thought Police stormtroopers - possibly working under orders from the PC Brigade - ordered the 'controversial' article to be withdrawn from Mail Online. It is estimated that the frivolous complaint has already cost The Mail approximately 17 visitors and millions of yen in lost revenue.

Fortunately, the image, showing the slumbering lip caterpillar in all its furry glory, is still hosted on MailOnline's servers for all those with an under-developed sense of humour and misogynistic streak to marvel at.

Full text of the original article here.

Yet another woman cries rape as crazed wife tries to murder disabled husband

Men were warned last night to exercise caution when dealing with women, after a spate of false rape claims, attempted murders and suspected regicides.

Gary Wood of Walker, Newcastle was thrown into jail for almost three hours after psychotic fantasist Natalie Jefferson viciously accused him of rape. Newcastle Crown Court heard how Jefferson, of Fellgate, South Tyneside, agreed to meet Mr Wood in Newcastle's Gateshead before going for a drink in nearby Jesmond. Later the same evening, Mr Wood was confronted by police officers who explained that his date had cried rape and that he stood to have his life ruined because of her claims. Thankfully, Mr Wood was released without charge after detectives saw through Jefferson's pernicious womanly lies.

The case follows a string of other single women, too busy drinking and working to have children and marry, who have falsely accused innocent men of rape. Experts estimate that cries of rape probably outnumber actual rapes, where the 'victim' was probably asking for it anyway, by a certain amount, maybe.

In another chilling incident, womens' weakness for money was highlighted as Chelmsford Crown Court heard how openly female mother-of-three Tracey Roffey tried to suffocate her wheelchair-bound husband after learning insurers would pay a six-figure sum if he died. Not satisfied with a husband and three children, Roffey is understood to have been motivated by the prospect of a potential £350,000 insurancepayout which it is thought she planned on using to buy ear-rings, necklaces and other woman things.

The attempted murder follows the trial of a jealous Australian woman accused of setting fire to her husband's genitals after seeing him with another woman, and the wife who paid hitmen to assassinate her husband, before running him over in a 4x4 when the hit failed.

A local man said: 'Rape and murder have always been traditionally male crimes and now these womens are taking even that away from us. I can't even remember the last time I read about an actual rape in the paper - you can't leave your house these days without being accused of a sex crime by a binge-drinking high flying female lawyer. It's feminism gone mad.'

Suspected murder victim 'got around', says Mail

Claudia Lawrence, the Yorkshire woman who went missing in suspicious circumstances over two months ago, was almost certainly a promiscuous home-wrecker with a penchant for married men, the Daily Mail has revealed.

In a lengthy character assassination of the presumed murdered chef, Tom Rawstorne revealed how:

It has emerged that Claudia, 35, didn't visit the Nag's Head simply to take advantage of the house doubles or, for that matter, the pints of cider that were her favourite tipple. What also seems to have attracted her there was the company it had to offer - the men in particular.

While fellow noble hack Elizabeth Sanderson described sympathetically that:

She could have made herself vulnerable to approaches from men because she drank too much.

Although Mail journalists have been shaking their heads with collective disapproval since it was first suggested that Claudia may have had a number of past lovers, it has taken until today for the newspaper's righteousness to become truly indignant at the woman police now believe to have been abducted and murdered.

Ignoring numerous friends who have described her as 'not promiscuous', The Mail instead decided that the search for Claudia would be best served by sensationally revealing her alleged affairs with '40 different men.' The claim is based on the watertight testimony of one anonymous 'friend', but, puzzlingly, conflicting reports (also carried in The Mail) state that 'some put the figure at half a dozen while George Forman, a close friend of Claudia's, has admitted he knew about two affairs'.

Today's blistering onslaught on Claudia's reputation - promoted on The Mail's front page between coverage of a footballer's marriage and a story about Nicky Clarke's new girlfriend - confirmed her status as a tireless husband thief by recycling anecdotes from lager-sodden anonymous drinkers from her local pub:

"She targeted men in that pub," explains one local. "And the men that she targeted were older than her and were married. At one time, she was seeing several of them, all married, at the same time." Another adds: "We'd all heard what she was up to. A few months ago, I was told that she had lured a man away from his wife and once she had got him she lost interest in him."

The smear piece goes on to mention suggestively that 'Remaining "friends" with her former partners seems to be something of a trait with Claudia', and, condemningly, that she was always 'something of an under-achiever professionally'.

Despite being demonstrably false, it was also deemed appropriate to mention the:

scurrilous rumours that Claudia had been working as an escort girl or using internet dating sites. After all, her £180,000 house was well-appointed and she seemed to enjoy a high standard of living for a chef working in a canteen at the city's university...

Because, well, a cider-drinking attractive single woman with a nice house either has a rich father or she's a prostitute, right?

But, after 2,000 words spent trawling through the allegedly seedier elements of Claudia's personal life, The Mail conceded near the end of the hatchet job that:

the airing of Claudia's private life has not been easy for her family to bear. After the latest revelations about the affair with Mr Horwell emerged, friends claimed it was "poisonous" to brand the chef a home-wrecker who targeted married men.

A local man said: 'Good job Mail, we can't have these murder victims running around getting away with it can we? If it wasn't for your publish-and-be-damned style of investigate journalism, I'd never have known a dead woman led an unextraordinary private life.'

Megan Fox not hot enough for the Mail

Eurgh!

Look at this rank bitch, isn't she gross?

Eurgh! What a total, like, loser with her barely noticeably over-wide thumb! That's enough to put anyone off, right? She's, like, not perfect, the skank!


'Transformers actress Megan Fox is not entirely flawless', Daily Mail reporter intoned last night. 'As the picture [above] clearly shows, the 23-year-old beauty has a clubbed thumb on her right hand....On close inspection, Megan's thumb almost looks more like a toe - although that hasn't held her back in her career.'

Because, y'know, she just wouldn't be where she is today if the casting people had noticed that disgusting thumb.

Remember girls: if you have any part of your body that even hints at anything less than Venusian perfection, The Mail will know - and you'll probably be held back in your career.

Best just to stay indoors churning those sprogs out in front of the ironing board, 'k?

Brownfall caused by sinister sisterhood conspiracy

A Machiavellian sisterhood of power crazed women is responsible for Gordon Brown's spectacular downfall, it was revealed last night.

As the Prime Minister squirmed at news of the four hundred and eighty-sixth cabinet minister to resign in a week, fat male fingers were pointed at the unholy ring of so-called 'Women Against Gordon', or WAGs, for hounding the beleaguered Scot to what many pundits are calling a point of no return in Labour's meltdown.

Scheming female politicians Jacqui Smith, Hazel Blears, Beverley Hughes, Patricia Hewitt, Caroline Flint, Margaret Hodge and Tessa Jowell stand accused by The Daily Mail of being 'more loyal to each other than their party', orchestrating a series of 'traitorous leaks' and meeting for sexist 'girls only dinner parties' where they would gossip about male MPs and discuss shoes and other silly lady things.

The mysterious 'Daily Mail Reporter' - lett's call him "Quentin" for the sake of convenience - painted a vividly misogynistic picture of 'months of seething rancour and regular WAGs' whingeing sessions over pesto and pasta meals washed down with glasses of chianti', which eventually 'coalesced into something more lethal - a concerted assassination attempt on the Prime Minister.'

It was like 'The Night of the Long Stilettos,' the anonymous journalist added hilariously.

But more than just twisting the kitchen knife in Brown's already bruised frame, the WAGs have done little other than embarrass themselves, 'Quentin' claims: 'The truth is that all they have left is an undignified loyalty to their own careers'. Hazel Blears' departure was 'petulant and graceless', while Harriet Harman (also referred to variously throughout the article as 'Mother Superior' and Harriet Harperson - hahahaha!) conveys an image of 'treachery in high heels'. Wadabitch.

Harman is painted as an 'obsessive busybody social engineer' who helped shape an absurd 'politically correct, pro-women agenda'.

Caroline Flint, the only remotely attractive one out of the lot of them, will probably be the next 'mutineer', predicts 'Quentin' insightfully. He can tell.

Any why are these awful career woman Mandarins so bent on destroying cuddly Mr Brown and the rest of the political patriarchy that we all love and cherish, instead of staying home to care for the kids?

Quentin provides a subtle but telling clue from Harman's past: twenty years ago she co-authored a policy pamphlet described by critics as a 'a staggering attack on men and their role in modern life'.

Just in case you couldn't work that out, he adds: 'The Sisterhood's revenge on [the male] sex has finally scored a direct hit.' Yes. For women in power, it's all about revenge and undermining poor old men.

See also: UK women politicians not up to scratch, says bookish nerd
and: Polly Toynbee: Another bladdy scheming woman out to get our men

Woman who wasn't at home giving birth to children and preparing dinner molests young boy

That's right - not only is this monster female, she's a woman too.

Ugh. No wonder it happened, they're all the same aren't they?

A local man said: 'They have woman Religious Education teachers these days? Well that's just asking for trouble - obviously these trendy modern schools haven't read Genesis. It's gender equality gone beserk.'

Actually, we've changed our minds now

January 2009: Hurrah for the Teen Queen UK beauty pageant!
Hunchback girl validated by sexist competition

May 2009: Teen Queen UK beauty pageant? Sick, sick, sick. Ban it now.
Sexist competition 'a shop window' for paedos

Who needs truth when you have an agenda?

Unscrupulous lawyers have again forced Britain's third favourite newspaper to pay out tens of thousands of pounds in damages to amoral nogoodniks for alleged "false, defamatory and deeply offensive allegations" and hurt feelings.

The latest judgement against The Daily Mail was meted out after the 'victims' - three career women cynically earning more from their high-flying jobs than most men - claimed that an article published on November 5th last year was inaccurate in stating that they chose to adopt children instead of giving birth just to avoid jeopardising their careers and attractive, svelte figures.

The offending article, which has been removed from the Mail's online internet webpage, was headlined: 'For most women, giving birth is the most fulfilling event in their lives. But some are so afraid of missing out on their careers and losing their figures they refuse to go through pregnancy and choose adoption instead. Practical, or just plain selfish?'

The piece concluded that the made-up situation is, of course, 'just plain selfish' and that women who dare go to work after having children are latter-day Jezebels too arrogant to realise their proper place is in the home (specifically the kitchen, or the bedroom on Friday nights) Adoption, it said, presented a practical way for work obsessed females to continue earning while having a child around so they could chat with colleagues about private nurseries and size 1 designer shoes.

But despite invaluable coverage in a respected national newspaper, the women - Edwina Langley, Lisa Beard-Rogers and Thema Davis - were not satisfied with the article's contents.

Mrs Davis claimed that the Mail had neglected to add that she was in fact unable to conceive naturally and so adoption was the only available option, Mrs Beard-Rogers said that, contrary to the article's assertions, she was in fact considering a natural birth, and Mrs Langley claimed to have been misrepresented and, in fact, wished to adopt as she was not in a relationship and because she wanted to give a stable, loving home to an underprivileged child that might otherwise spend countless years in care.

A source said: 'Look, the details aren't important, it's the bigger issue that matters. And that issue is that women should have children the old fashioned way and stay at home. I don't know why people get so wound up with boring, pointless facts.'

After complaining to the Press Complaints Commission, the three women accepted a £30,000 payout from the Mail. The newspaper defended its honour by revealing that 'offending elements' of the piece had been added by 'an unnamed executive who controlled a rewrite of the story...rather than the journalists who interviewed the women', which makes it ok because it was bigger boys who did it not innocent Mail journalists who would never dream of making mean things up about women.

Paul Dacre said: 'Well, boys will be boys. I can't control every tiny little thing that gets written.'

The unsavoury incident follows a number of other high profile cases where women have claimed compensation for frivolous grievances that they brought upon themselves anyway: in February a blonde TV presenter sued the BBC after being fired two weeks after giving birth, and only a month before, a married Muslim woman took her employer to court for some light-hearted office banter and racist innuendo.

A local man said: 'Cuh. These women should know their limits.'

Ex-actress looks thirty years older after thirty years

She was once a pin-up for teenage boys and frustrated middle-aged men dissatisfied with their wife's nightly 'headache' everywhere.

With legs that ended at her armpits and sensational denim hotpants - not to mention exquisite breasts and an attractively simple demeanor - the original Daisy Duke became a worlwide sex symbol and the only reason to watch substandard 70s TV series Dukes of Hazzard.

But incredible new photographs reveal that Catherine Bach, who played Duke for six years, seems to have aged at least 30 years since the TV show first aired in 1979.

Since having selfishly had a child in the 90s, Bach has 'piled on the pounds' and now just looks fat and a bit old. The shocking pictures also show that Bach's once pert bosom appears to have drooped as a result of aging - it would appear she has not deemed it necessary to pay out for even the most essential cosmetic surgery.

But it wasn't all bad news for one mid-market national newspaper - the startling news of Bach's battle with the forces of aging provided a superb opportunity to reprint more photographs of Jessica Simpson, who squeezed herself into the Daisy Duke's denim shorts for the 2005 Hollywood remake of the Dukes of Hazzard. The change of actress sparked rumours at the time that Bach might already have aged by a number of years as she had not been approached to reprise the role that made her a star.

Simpson, who came under fire for 'larding up' a bit last year, also has nice legs, a pleasing bottom and great breasts and accounts for a large proportion of traffic to dailymail.co.uk.

Thirty humourless readers left critical comments underneath the Mail's expose of Bach's grotesque tubbiness but, inexplicably, they had all disappeared by the morning. Insiders have blamed 'internet goblins' for the fault.

Don't miss The Quail's exclusive special report in 2039 on Jessica Simpson's shock battle with the aging process!

UK women politicians not up to scratch, says bookish nerd

Achingly unfunny Daily Mail sketch-writer Quentin 'Wiener' Letts has found himself in hot water with butch feminist PC bigadiers over a light-hearted article suggesting that British women politicians are letting themselves down by wearing trousers and spending too little time applying make-up before leaving the house.

Letts, described by some as 'toad like in appearance', acknowledged that his 'comedic' take on the list of the worlds 50 sexiest female politicians could land him in 'terrible trouble with Harriet Harman and her sisterhood' for comparing a variety of sparkle eyed political hotties from around the globe with Westminster's plain Janes.

The column featured photographs of Lett's personal choice of the thirteen most attractive 'politic chicks', who may or may not know what The Maastricht treaty is but would certainly brighten up the drab offices of any state government.

Sensationally, Italy's stunning Minister for Equal Opportunities Mara Carfagna even showed off that most elusive of beauties, the Side Boob - although, tragically, her nipple appeared to have been airbrushed out by liberal do-gooders. An insider said: 'Pwoar! I'd let her equal MY opportunities!'

French Minister for Overseas Territories, Christine Kelly, managed to look radiant in a white bikini despite being a bit over the hill at 39, while Spanish anti-corruption campaigner Cayetana Alvarez, was included on the list at number 10 despite not actually being a politician.

The titillating shots, which were unfortunately published without any copyright attribution - possibly because they were all found by the work experience boy at Northcliffe House one-handedly using Google image search, leave Britain embarrassed at scoring a shameful nul points as the government attempts to reach out to attractive young people to discourage the increasing problem of voter apathy amongst nubile under thirties.

Mr Letts, described in some circles as 'a misogynistic geek with a profound fear of women that manifests itself on occasion as snide chauvanism', blamed Britain's poor showing on the fact that 'many Westminster women...have drunk deep at the feminist well' and try hard to 'be the opposite of sassy' for fear of undermining their credibility.

Pointing out that Harriet Harman 'is always turned out smartly' and looked 'V. butch' in a dowdy pin-stripe jacket as she hosted Prime Minsiter's Questions last week, Letts concluded that although Britain's female politicians are mostly quite ugly, 'the quality of their debate may be superior' - presumably because of the proven scientific link between attractiveness and stupidity.

It is unclear why Right-wing pin-up Nadine Dorries was not included on the list.