Brownfall caused by sinister sisterhood conspiracy

A Machiavellian sisterhood of power crazed women is responsible for Gordon Brown's spectacular downfall, it was revealed last night.

As the Prime Minister squirmed at news of the four hundred and eighty-sixth cabinet minister to resign in a week, fat male fingers were pointed at the unholy ring of so-called 'Women Against Gordon', or WAGs, for hounding the beleaguered Scot to what many pundits are calling a point of no return in Labour's meltdown.

Scheming female politicians Jacqui Smith, Hazel Blears, Beverley Hughes, Patricia Hewitt, Caroline Flint, Margaret Hodge and Tessa Jowell stand accused by The Daily Mail of being 'more loyal to each other than their party', orchestrating a series of 'traitorous leaks' and meeting for sexist 'girls only dinner parties' where they would gossip about male MPs and discuss shoes and other silly lady things.

The mysterious 'Daily Mail Reporter' - lett's call him "Quentin" for the sake of convenience - painted a vividly misogynistic picture of 'months of seething rancour and regular WAGs' whingeing sessions over pesto and pasta meals washed down with glasses of chianti', which eventually 'coalesced into something more lethal - a concerted assassination attempt on the Prime Minister.'

It was like 'The Night of the Long Stilettos,' the anonymous journalist added hilariously.

But more than just twisting the kitchen knife in Brown's already bruised frame, the WAGs have done little other than embarrass themselves, 'Quentin' claims: 'The truth is that all they have left is an undignified loyalty to their own careers'. Hazel Blears' departure was 'petulant and graceless', while Harriet Harman (also referred to variously throughout the article as 'Mother Superior' and Harriet Harperson - hahahaha!) conveys an image of 'treachery in high heels'. Wadabitch.

Harman is painted as an 'obsessive busybody social engineer' who helped shape an absurd 'politically correct, pro-women agenda'.

Caroline Flint, the only remotely attractive one out of the lot of them, will probably be the next 'mutineer', predicts 'Quentin' insightfully. He can tell.

Any why are these awful career woman Mandarins so bent on destroying cuddly Mr Brown and the rest of the political patriarchy that we all love and cherish, instead of staying home to care for the kids?

Quentin provides a subtle but telling clue from Harman's past: twenty years ago she co-authored a policy pamphlet described by critics as a 'a staggering attack on men and their role in modern life'.

Just in case you couldn't work that out, he adds: 'The Sisterhood's revenge on [the male] sex has finally scored a direct hit.' Yes. For women in power, it's all about revenge and undermining poor old men.

See also: UK women politicians not up to scratch, says bookish nerd
and: Polly Toynbee: Another bladdy scheming woman out to get our men

The Betrayal of White Working Class Britain

Proof of what we all knew already - that immigrants and benefit scroungers are taking British houses and jobs - was revealed yesterday, as forty three people who 'rarely have contact with ethnic minorities and don't understand the concept of integration' confirmed that they are scared of dark skinned people.

The exhaustive report interviewed uneducated, unemployed British taxpayers from some of Britian's poorest estates in Birmingham, Runcorn, Milton Keynes and Thetford to find out what they had read about immigration in the tabloids and how bad it was.

The results painted a bleak picture of Britain gripped by the 'doctrine' of multiculturalism and a country 'over-crowded to bursting point', leading Labour MP Frank Field to comment: 'No wonder people feel the Government is riding roughshod over their wishes, and not only in the poorest areas, which are bearing the brunt of the present massive level of immigration'.

One of the respondants to the survey said: 'You've now got towns which were predominantly white and now they're not. And you're expected to get on and not cause any waves, not look at people differently and be accepting. But at the same time, how can you be accepting when they're taking your house off you?' Asked whether anyone had taken their house from them, the respondant replied, 'Well, no but I read about it in The Daily Mail'.

The report found that 'by far the most frequent context for referring to ethnic minorities is that of perceived competition for resources - typically housing, but also employment, benefits, territory and culture'. Despite the fact that most respondants had not personally experienced any competition for any of these things, most felt that refugees, asylum seekers and other Daily Mail pantomime villains were probably going to take them away at some point in the future, and also eat their children.

In a bizarre use of syntax, Steve Doughty, a racist, commented that 'The findings [...] appear another step on Labour's road away from multiculturalism'. It is unclear what this means, but it is thought Doughty was attempting to express his distaste for a Britian in which more than 10% of people are from overseas, as went on to link diversity with the 7/7 London bombings which were perpetrated by Talibans who had taken our jobs and houses.

Helpfully explaining what 'multiculturalism' is for readers who might not understand the term, Doughty summarised it as when 'ethnic minority groups are encouraged to develop their own identity while critics say values associated with white groups are dismissed as racist.' Such values are thought to include racism and hatred of 'diffrunts'.

Even Hazel Blears, Labour's Communities Secretary, vowed that something needed to be done: 'Whilst [people on the estates] might not be experiencing the direct impact of migration, their fear of it is acute', she said, implying that headlines such as this and this, and journalists like this, had fuelled an imagined terror of brown people and single mothers.

Julie Moult is an Idiot, says Blears

She would prefer to be known for her trailblazing articles on how foreigners are a burden on our great country and tireless campaigning to find Maddie.

But if the hundreds of people using an online internet-connected search machine called Google decide to look for Left-wing activist and college journalism student Julie Moult by typing her name into the search result generator, a string of more unlikely results appear.

The first site you reach features a so-called 'Weblog' (or 'Blog') describing her as 'an idiot'. Last night, the prank raised the possibility that she was the victim of 'Google Bombing', when internet enthusiasts manipulate rankings on search engines.

It is believed the cyberspace writings first emerged a day or so ago, when she battled it out with interweb typist Beau Bo D'Or during a furore over stolen images of ghosts and midget women. D'Or had discovered the images in a secret dossier compiled by a Labour minister, which, in a case of mindblowing incompetence, had been left on a commuter train from Waterloo.

Entering Miss Moult's name into 'Google' directs you to, among other things, pictures of the same ghosts and midgets.

Paul Dacre, special needs adviser to Miss Moult, shrugged off the stunt.

He said: 'Julie is supremely relaxed about this. This is just part of the fun of the internet.'

Google yesterday denied that Moult had been subjected to Google Bombing, saying that her listing along with the words 'Is an Idiot' was due to several factors including popularity, and the fact that so many people could not believe that a journalist could be quite so stupid.

Google Bombing, when cyber pranksters create dozens, or even hundreds, of 'fake' sites linked to the targeted webpage to make it seem more popular, is something that some Right-wing British newspapers are all too familiar with.

For two years, Hate Cleric Richard Littlejohn was embarrassed by Google Bombers who linked the phrase 'Richard Littlejohn' to a website that invited you to click on a picture of his face, resulting in a punching sound and a recording of a profanity.

Similarly, Former Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott's website popped up first when the term 'f***wit' was entered on Google.