Miley Cyrus: Mmm, isn't it?

The Daily Mail today revealed that 16 year old twinkle eyed pop starlet Miley Cyrus wore a delectably small 'mix and match' bikini on a beach in the Bahamas.

Cyrus, star of groundbreaking coming of age teen angst flick 'The Unbearable Lightness of Being Hannah Montana', 'looked every inch the Hollywood star' according to a breathless report from sweaty, middle-aged, whiskey-sodden 'Daily Mail Reporter'.

At one point she was even 'spotted climbing on an inflatable banana boat for a high speed thrill', he added lecherously. Mmmm, ooooooh yeah, a banana.

Cyrus's sensual sandy frolicks follow a 'frenzy' earlier this month when she arrived in Leicester Square wearing a really short skirt that 'showed off her long legs', according to Daily Mail Reporter, who had been watching from a tree-top perch with a pair of binoculars and a fake moustache.

And back in April, the teen queen 'flashed some leg and back in a revealing evening dress' which made her 'look all grown up'.

'Mmmm, grown up, yeah she looks grown up enough for me, huh huh huh', added Daily Mail Reporter, stroking his thighs.

But just over a year ago, Daily Mail Reporter was outraged by a disgusting Vanity Fair photoshoot in which the then 15 year old posed topless. Legendary photographer Annie Leibovitz 'caused massive controversy' by snapping Ms Cyrus's naked back as she clutched a silk sheet to her chest. Fortunately, The Daily Mail published the offending pictures so readers could appreciate what they should be so angry at.

The same article also told how Miley had apologised for a separate set of sick pictures which had appeared on the Internet showing her with 'a bare midriff [and] revealing a green bra.'

A Daily Mail insider said: 'Imagine printing revealing photographs of such a young girl. It's disgraceful, showing her exposing her bare midriff and a bra. We would never do that - unless she was a few months older of course.'

See also: Mail website destroys another middle-class marriage

Ex-actress looks thirty years older after thirty years

She was once a pin-up for teenage boys and frustrated middle-aged men dissatisfied with their wife's nightly 'headache' everywhere.

With legs that ended at her armpits and sensational denim hotpants - not to mention exquisite breasts and an attractively simple demeanor - the original Daisy Duke became a worlwide sex symbol and the only reason to watch substandard 70s TV series Dukes of Hazzard.

But incredible new photographs reveal that Catherine Bach, who played Duke for six years, seems to have aged at least 30 years since the TV show first aired in 1979.

Since having selfishly had a child in the 90s, Bach has 'piled on the pounds' and now just looks fat and a bit old. The shocking pictures also show that Bach's once pert bosom appears to have drooped as a result of aging - it would appear she has not deemed it necessary to pay out for even the most essential cosmetic surgery.

But it wasn't all bad news for one mid-market national newspaper - the startling news of Bach's battle with the forces of aging provided a superb opportunity to reprint more photographs of Jessica Simpson, who squeezed herself into the Daisy Duke's denim shorts for the 2005 Hollywood remake of the Dukes of Hazzard. The change of actress sparked rumours at the time that Bach might already have aged by a number of years as she had not been approached to reprise the role that made her a star.

Simpson, who came under fire for 'larding up' a bit last year, also has nice legs, a pleasing bottom and great breasts and accounts for a large proportion of traffic to dailymail.co.uk.

Thirty humourless readers left critical comments underneath the Mail's expose of Bach's grotesque tubbiness but, inexplicably, they had all disappeared by the morning. Insiders have blamed 'internet goblins' for the fault.

Don't miss The Quail's exclusive special report in 2039 on Jessica Simpson's shock battle with the aging process!

Fatties, Skinnies & Mischa Barton: Mail Online gives you the news that REALLY matters

Web 'surfers' weary of endless boring news stories of 'important' current affairs rejoiced this morning as a triumvirate of enthralling articles was delivered exclusively by Mail Online, The Daily Mail's futuristic hypertext internet webbook.

While lesser news sources occupied themselves with turgid reports of senior police officers resigning in disgrace (who cares?) and yet more banal stories about the latest poorly filmed video of something happening last Wednesday, it was left to The Mail to address the issues that really mattered - namely: why are fat people so rubbish, and is there a link between obesity and scrounging off the state?, is anorexia bad?, and finally, ha! celebrities have cellulite!

Kicking off the day's hard-hitting round up, the enigmatic 'Daily Mail Reporter' - who may or may not be Julie Moult - sensationally revealed that obese X-Facor contestant Emma Chawner is not only fat, but also unemployed. Her family is also mobidly obese; mother Audrey is said to posess an infinite number of chins.

Adding balance to the proceedings, 'Daily Mail Reporter' went on to describe thrillingly how skinny TV presenter Fearne Cotton has become a pin-up for anorexics everywhere. Having pointed out how bad obesity is in the Emma Chawner piece and established the undeniable link between grotesque fatness and benefit-scrounging, Daily Mail Reporter responsibly highlighted the flip-side of the coin - that being too skinny is also A Bad Thing.

Drawing the triple-whammy of ground breaking journalism to a close, Lizzie Smith told movingly of Mischa Barton's refusal to withdraw from public scrutiny - despite the incessant Daily Mail media obsession over her awful cellulite. Sources said the article wasn't just a thinly veiled excuse to publish pictures of the twinkle eyed, wobbly thighed starlet half naked, but an important contribution to the debate on female self-esteem and how young women should be expected to look.

Refusing to conform to other news sites' hegemonious frontpage layouts, Mail Online decided that collectively, these three stories should sit proudly above the mundanity of 'real' news, giving them pride of place on a wizardly scrolling box of delights that dwarfed news of fresh footage of Ian Tomlinson's death and the resignation of Britain's most senior counter-terrorism officer.

A reader said: 'Wow! Look at it scroll - I don't even have to press anything, and the pictures keep moving between a fatty, a skinny celebrity and that bird from the OC! I could watch it all day!'