Part 1: Coming Over Here, Taking Our Jobs

Nearly half a million foreigners were issued with with work permits last year, despite the hundreds of thousands of British workers being made redundant as the economy slides further into recession.

Shadow Home Secretary Chris Grayling said the 156,635 foreigners were granted permission to work made a mockery of Gordon Brown's promise of 'British jobs for British workers'. Unemployment rose by 290,000 in the same period, from December 1, 2007 to November 30, 2008, proving that foreigners are literally stealing jobs from employed Britons - leaving them destitute, face down in the gutter of society with only an old, mud-spattered dog - often with less
than four legs - for company.

The fact that the 156,635 must have already secured a job in Britain before being granted a visa and that they are in fact creating additional jobs, reducing the percentage of people unemployed, is irrelevant, said an insider.

Worryingly, the foreigners aren't even from the EU, but from distant lands such as America, China and Australia, where traditional British values - such as marriage and Christianity - are unheard of, meaning that they will never be able to properly integrate into society. Instead, they are expected to form feral tribes, building primitive villages where plans to destroy the pillars of Englishness will be formulated and bizarre sporting rituals like so-called 'American Football' will be performed.

Chinese script - which contains up to a bewildering 9000 characters - is widely expected to replace the English alphabet within 10 years, and American cuisine is already increasingly encroaching on our proud gastronomic heritage as dried dog meat, or 'jerky', and steamed hams, or 'ham-burgers', become ever more popular. Similarly, Australian immigrants have been blamed for the rise in people finishing all of their sentences with a raised intonation and for the growing prevalence of incredibly weak lager beer in Britain.

The shocking revelations led one commentor to call for the return of a true British hero to sort this shambles out, and over hundred people agreed: