Wednesday, 7 January 2009
A Dark Day for Democracy
It was day of national mourning today, as millions of Britons struggled to come to terms with the fact that 100 watt light bulbs would be little more than a fond memory from now on.
Becrying the heartless slaying of the nation's 'beloved light bulb' by genocidal EU overlords, David Derbyshire led an outpouring of grief not seen since the death of Princess Diana (peace be upon her). Many people had not even realised that they gave a flying rat's ass about light bulbs until the front page story broke, which reportedly caused scenes of mass panic, group flagellation and communal suicides.
Balanced European commenter Chrisopher Brooker described the decision to replace traditional incandescant bulbs with modern energy saving models as 'one of the maddest flights from reality that the political class which now rules over us has ever taken', comparing the EU directive under which the bulbs are banned to the actions of 'Cuban dictator Fidel Castro', who is a socialist like Gordon Brown. Fellow Eurosceptics agreed that the ban was indeed far worse than supporting George Bush's invasion of Iraq, or indeed anything else that Labour has ever done.
Grave concerns over the grim reality now facing Britain became clear, as Daily Mail 'Environment Editor' Derbyshire, whose job it is to tell people that climate change isn't real, described in shocking detail how new low energy eco bulbs 'can trigger skin rashes, migraines and epilepsy', as well as being slightly more expensive, being ugly and producing rubbish light made of B-grade photons.
The new so-called 'energy efficient' bulbs, which contain mercury, are even known to cause painful injuries when sat on and have been accused of producing deadly cancers when consumed as part of an otherwise perfectly healthy diet. It is also thought that countless crimes - including burglary and drug dealing - have been commited in rooms lit with the bulbs since their introduction a decade ago.
Investigative journalist Beth Hale, meanwhile, braved the cold weather 'on a quest to illuminate the issue of diminishing supplies'. In her damning assesment of the horrific situation which is much worse than what's happening in Gaza, Beth, an investigative journalist, found that supplies of the recently banned old fashioned light bulbs were indeed low, despite the accompanying picture.
Beth, a journalist who investigates current, hard hitting issues, also slammed the bewilderingly complex choices facing buyers of the devilish new eco bulbs. 'In days gone by it was a straightforward process', she wailed, 'there was clear or pearl, bayonet or screw cap, and then the wattage, usually 40, 60 or 100. Now there are different wattages, new shapes, information about carbon footprints', she said, setting the women's rights movement back by around three thousand years.
New shapes! Madness.