FAO Sue Ryan. Re: Give me a job.

Via, inexplicably, The Guardian, this amazing opportunity:

Daily Mail

• Britain’s most successful newspaper group is offering would-be reporters and writers an exciting and challenging yearlong training course, plus the chance to work at the Daily Mail and Mail Online
• We are looking for bright, sharp, intelligent writers who believe they can be fast-tracked to the very top
• You’ll be on the best journalism course in the business – and be paid a competitive salary while you train
• Successful applicants will probably have completed post-graduate journalism training or had experience working in newspapers

Apply by February 21, with your CV, 200 words on why you think you could be a Mail journalist, a 200-word news story and a selection of up to six cuttings and send to Sue Ryan, Trainee Reporters’ Scheme, Daily Mail, Northcliffe House, 2 Derry St, London W8 5TT. Please send queries to sue.ryan@dailymail.co.uk

Super awesome! I'd love to work with Paul Dacre, I hear he's quite the wit.

Dear Sue,

You may have noticed (in fact, judging from the IP addresses that visit this blog, you've definitely noticed) that I've been charitably rewriting your articles - for free! - for about two years now.

As anyone can see, my edits are a massive improvement over the originals. Yes, my posts are are consistently grammatically incorrect, poorly structured, inaccurate, hypocritical, bilious nonsense but, hey, there's no greater compliment that imitation, right? I do a mean Littlejohn, too, so if the big fella's not feeling up to his 4000 mile commute, I'm happy to stand in (I will require a full brain-scrub after a day in character as Dickie L, mind.)

Like your current staff, I'm able to feign outrage at the most inane of banalities, point and scream at the most harmless of dead homosexuals, clutch the nearest pearl necklace at even the slightest whiff of brown people, and type one handed.

Hell, I've even written training guides for aspiring hacks - really, I should be employing you.

Also, a friend of mine has a cousin who knows a girl at her local which is only a few miles away from a house where a couple used to live who once spoke to a man who was related to this old lady who says she bought a car off a man who stalked a woman on Facebook, so I'm not short of leads for stories. Like, you can't make that stuff up, can you?

Obviously, I am willing to make up quite a lot of stuff for money, though.

It will please you to know I don't require any training - but I would like a hammock in my office. I will have my own office, won't I? Oh, and I'll need a fully-stocked minibar so I can take breakfast at work. I hear newspaper interns and graduates are treated well and paid handsomely, so I trust this won't be a problem.

Write back soon! I don't usually get up before 3.30pm, so don't call before then, ta.

Yours journalistically,

D. Quail (expat)

Also see other applications from Angry Mob, Anton Vowl, Primly Stable, and 5 Chinese Crackers.