Littlejohn Stuns Critics By Making Himself His Own Parody

Floridan gay rights campaigner Richard Littlejohn today proved himself resistant to parody and impervious to satire by deliberately penning a column so absurdly ignorant and mindlessly vindictive that Juvenal himself reportedly rose from his 2000 year old grave grave to pronounce: 'Such an indulgently awful and stultifyingly ignorant tract removes itself from the clutches of critics by way of its own banality, joyfully wallowing in abject moral squalor, pandering to the most base intolerances of small-minded, dark-hearted men. How can we mock that which laughs at us for our very act of reading?'

Making light of the case of a 38 year old man - with a beard - who endured three years of racist bullying before being fired for taking time off due to depression, Littlejohn said:

"Frankly, I've never understood why some men think a beard and no moustache is a Good Look. They always appear to have their head on upside-down. But I've never seen a dafter beard than the one sported by PC Javid Iqbal.

It's less a beard, more a privet hedge. If he entered it in a Best-Kept Village competition, he'd win a gold rosette.

It resembles those fake pirate beards we used to cut out of comics. PC Javid is a dead ringer for Captain Pugwash's adversary, Cut-Throat Pete.

I wonder if it's real, or comes off with his glasses, like one of those Groucho Marx masks. No wonder his colleagues couldn't help poking fun at it. PC Javid says the beard is part of his Islamic religion. But surely a Jeremy Beadle or a Manfred Mann would have done the job just as well.

Needless to say, PC Javid is suing for com-pen-say-shun and claims to be suffering from depression. In case that argument is laughed out of court, he also claims to have been called a 'f***ing Paki', which is usually worth about 50 grand.

If he has genuinely been racially abused, fair enough. But Bedfordshire Police is one of the most 'diversity-sensitive' forces in Britain, especially when it comes to its large Muslim population.

And the official line is that PC Javid was sacked because he was 'not cut out to be a police officer'. Sounds about right.

A garden gnome, maybe, just not a copper. Last time I saw a beard like that it was sitting on a toadstool, holding a fishing rod."

You couldn't make it up.

Hirstute Muslim Sues Police After Officers Laughed At His Beard

A Muslim police officer with an hilarious - and possibly fake - beard is suing Bedfordshire police force for hurt feelings after colleagues poked fun at his comedy forest of facial fur.

PC Javid Iqbal claims he is the victim of racial and religious discrimination and unfair dismissal, and stands to make up to several millions of pounds if his case is successful - as thousands of white middle-class taxpayers struggle to keep their jobs at a time of worrying uncertainty for British workers.

Iqbal described to an industrial tribunal how, in one supposedly 'offensive' incident, a fellow officer mimicked his accent and pretended to have a beard similar to his, probably because he was envious of it.

Iqbal's case is the latest in a long line of frivolous 'race claims' to brought against Britain's institutionally friendly police forces - in November a Muslim chef sued the Met because he didn't want to cook sausages and bacon, and only a few days earlier Tarique Ghaffur, former Assistant Commissioner of the Met walked away with a £280,000 payout after suffering 'years' of alleged 'racism'.

Top columnist Amanda Plattell described Ghaffur as 'spitting in the face of the country that saved him' for complaining about his treatment.

Iqbal was also called a 'f***ing Paki', forced to walk home from a job after colleagues refused to pick him up, and was the victim of a smear campaign in which eight other officers made a string of unfounded accusations regarding his performance and conduct to senior members of staff.

He was fired after a nine month leave of absence owing to depression as a result of his colleagues bullying.

Bedfordshire Police said he was sacked because 'He was not cut out to be a police officer'.