Littlejohn Stuns Critics By Making Himself His Own Parody

Floridan gay rights campaigner Richard Littlejohn today proved himself resistant to parody and impervious to satire by deliberately penning a column so absurdly ignorant and mindlessly vindictive that Juvenal himself reportedly rose from his 2000 year old grave grave to pronounce: 'Such an indulgently awful and stultifyingly ignorant tract removes itself from the clutches of critics by way of its own banality, joyfully wallowing in abject moral squalor, pandering to the most base intolerances of small-minded, dark-hearted men. How can we mock that which laughs at us for our very act of reading?'

Making light of the case of a 38 year old man - with a beard - who endured three years of racist bullying before being fired for taking time off due to depression, Littlejohn said:

"Frankly, I've never understood why some men think a beard and no moustache is a Good Look. They always appear to have their head on upside-down. But I've never seen a dafter beard than the one sported by PC Javid Iqbal.

It's less a beard, more a privet hedge. If he entered it in a Best-Kept Village competition, he'd win a gold rosette.

It resembles those fake pirate beards we used to cut out of comics. PC Javid is a dead ringer for Captain Pugwash's adversary, Cut-Throat Pete.

I wonder if it's real, or comes off with his glasses, like one of those Groucho Marx masks. No wonder his colleagues couldn't help poking fun at it. PC Javid says the beard is part of his Islamic religion. But surely a Jeremy Beadle or a Manfred Mann would have done the job just as well.

Needless to say, PC Javid is suing for com-pen-say-shun and claims to be suffering from depression. In case that argument is laughed out of court, he also claims to have been called a 'f***ing Paki', which is usually worth about 50 grand.

If he has genuinely been racially abused, fair enough. But Bedfordshire Police is one of the most 'diversity-sensitive' forces in Britain, especially when it comes to its large Muslim population.

And the official line is that PC Javid was sacked because he was 'not cut out to be a police officer'. Sounds about right.

A garden gnome, maybe, just not a copper. Last time I saw a beard like that it was sitting on a toadstool, holding a fishing rod."

You couldn't make it up.