Shock study finds pornography is rude

Explicit depictions of women and, revoltingly, men in various states of undress are being widely circulated across the world thanks to the worrying power of modern technology to display pictures, sound and even moving images, or 'movies', a shock study has revealed.

Experts have warned that children as young as zero are at risk of stumbling across the so-called 'pornography', which is freely available on a number of satellite television channels for as little as £16 per month, plus £15 activation fee. Side effects of pornography consumption include hairy palms and blindness.

As part of special investigation into the seedy world of 'porn', Bafta award-winning documentary maker and fearless investigator of smut Olivia Lichtenstein was appalled to find nearly 100 X-rated television channels hidden on her Sky satellite TV system after selecting the ambiguous ADULT option on the main menu.

She was shocked to discover how readily available the mountain of filth was; after telephoning Playboy TV to arrange a subscription, waiting on hold, passing the phone to her husband for him to confirm the purchase as the account was in his name, selecting her package, paying the registration fee, setting up a direct debit, passing a security check, waiting an hour for the service to be activated, and then entering the correct parental control PIN into her Sky box, Olivia was being bombarded by insalubrious images of women exposing flesh above the ankle and shamefully hatless men.

Insconsed in the vulgar menagerie of erotica, she happened across such vile displays as women kissing other women, twisted perversions like 'Girls in Uniform', and even a show dedicated to 'MILFs', or 'Mothers I'd Like to [make] Friends [with]'.

Elsewhere, trailers offered sound bites from presumably half-naked women too unseemly to publish on a family website. With depraved grammatical inaccuracy, one breathed: 'Hi, my name's Verity from Birmingham. I like clits, I like sex toys.'

Sickened, Olivia only managed to sit through another two hours of the grotesque carnival of flesh, and after tiring of the lack of male nudity, switched back to Songs of Praise, cursing her choice of female-orientated pornography.

'In short, what I saw were unlovely people doing unlovely things', concluded the award-winning writer.

Unknown relationship counsellor Chris Diggins warned that pornography can lead to harmful, sexually addictive behaviour that isolates individuals and that men who use it run the risk of becoming addicted to high intensity pleasure, losing the ability to enjoy more depressing past-times such as making love to their wives or washing up.

Lichtenstein added scientifically that: 'I don't know whether this is true, but I'm certain that this mindless filth tarnishes the way in which men perceive women.'

Unfettered by the need for actual facts or supporting evidence, she went on to warn of the possible long-term dangers of porn - 'The problem with pornography, of course, is that degrading acts will soon not be degrading enough. The user has constantly to raise the stakes in order to derive the same thrill. It's no wonder that this kind of porn has been compared to crack cocaine [by me].'

A spokesman for a leading think tank that stands against This Type of Thing said: 'The modern phenomenon of pornography is outrageous. Who needs it anyway, when you've got pictures of topless Hollywood actresses, half naked teens and upskirt shots for free on The Mail's website? It's political correctness gone mad.'