Labour spends 25.2 TRILLION on quangos, almost

The cost of taxpayer funded quangos - the shadowy, oddly named things that you don't really understand but we use to scare you - has hit an incredible £170 billion, or 25.2 TRILLION yen.

An analysis that involved picking numbers from a hat, discarding the small ones, adding the big ones together, then multiplying the answer by the speed of light in a vacuum (C), has revealed they are swallowing up, let's say, 160 times more money than a certain amount of time ago, or something roughly approximate to that anyway.

In 1997/8, quangos cost a very reasonable £24.1bn, but thanks to Labour cronies given free reign to set up millions more since then, their number and spending have sky rocketed. A guess by our work experience boy puts the number of quangos at 994, while the tea lady says the number of staff employed by them has jumped from 1m a decade ago, to 1.5m today.

The spending on quangos is almost five times the Ministry of Defence's £35.4billion budget, and billions of times more than my wife spends on the weekly shop.

Ludicrous wooly minded organisations like the "Learning and Skills Council" have seen their budget explode from £5.5bn to £11bn.

The Taxpayers' Alliance quote generator said: 'This situation is unacceptable and is costing taxpayers in Britain a fortune. For ordinary people facing pay freezes and redundancies it is an insult for the public sector to carry on creating jobs.' A source added: 'Yes we know quangos aren't related to public sector job creation, but there wasn't an option to generate quango quotes so this will have to do. It's the same principle anyway.'

The Government said: 'You've literally just made all of these numbers up, haven't you?'

Whites now only account for 0.2% of England's population

Immigrants now outnumber people with the surname Smith, according to disturbing figures released today.

Research by credit agency Experian also found that, frighteningly, a massive 0.12% of people living in England are named Hussein, possibly in reverence to notorious Iraqi dictator Saddam or unpopular American socialist Barack.

The analysis of British surnames revealed that while the number of acceptable names like Brown, Jones and Johnson thankfully remained broadly stable over the last twelve years, scary, action-movie baddie names like Zhang have seen stratospheric increases of up to 4,718%.

Experts estimate that as many as 47 Zhangs might now be living in Britain, taking our jobs in oriental restaurants.

The findings will fuel concerns that there are more foreign people here than there used to be, and that house prices may fall yet further as an indirect result.

Other 'names' appearing in the top 10,000 list include Wang, Ncube and Begum.

Professor Richard Webber, who led the research, said that the number of immigrants could be even higher than first thought, as thousands of people who believe themselves to be British could in fact be descended from foreign invaders.

Those with surname endings such as 'thorpe,' 'ing,' and 'by,' are more probably related to historical migrants such as the Vikings, Danes and Angles who came over here hundreds of years ago and took our nuns.