Friday, 24 July 2009

MailOnline infested with foreigners

Almost three-quarters of Mail Online readers are foreigners who don't even live in Britain but probably want to move here to claim benefits, it has emerged.

Shocking new figures have revealed that of the 29.3m people inexplicably visiting the Mail's online internetular hypertext webhate site each month, only 8.3m (28%) are decent British folk, while 72% reside in far off lands such as Iran, Africa and Wales.

While some of the foreign visitors can be accounted for by the millions of expats living in Spain who have been forced out of their homeland by two terms of New Labour tax-grabbing multicultural political correctness gone mad, fears are growing that a large proportion of foreign readers may be visiting Mail Online to learn more about Britain before coming over here to take things such as jobs and your house.

There are also concerns that overseas terrorists could use Mail Online to build a picture of modern Britain and it's people in order to explode things, somehow tomorrow.

Despite the influx of virtual immigrants, Mail Online publisher Martin Clarke said he was pleased that the site's strategy of filling its pages with pictures of scantily clad female celebrities on holiday, judicious use of popular keywords, and focus on the banal had delivered a 91% year on year rise in daily traffic. On average, 1.7m surfers got lost searching for celebrity nip slips and upskirt shots and ended up on Mail Online every day, said a delighted Clarke.

ComScore figures for May 2009 also reveal the increasing amounts of time MailOnline readers spend on the boob 'n' bile filled site.

MailOnline’s UK readers spend longer on the site per day than Telegraph, Times, or Guardian readers and spend more time looking at each page, presumably one-handed.


  1. Wales! Plaid-wearing bastards. Mail4Aryan males!

  2. i have this awful dilemma with the mail. I go to it to see just how awful it is, how hate-filled, racist, homophobic, pro-BNP and down right nasty it is to remind me that such people exist - in their millions. It is too easy to assume that this is a small sector of society, but no, there they are in their hideous, smug, prejudiced legions.
    The problem is that by going to their hate-sheet-of-choice I am giving succour to them, even though I go mainly to try and get some sensible (ie not hate-filled) comments on their stories. About 1 in 40 get through.

  3. Hey, at least you don't buy it. The joy of web revenue streams means your visit is probably worth about 0.03p to them.

  4. And if you remember your Firefox ad-blockers then you'll be costing them money in bandwidth charges. Oh noes!

  5. We often see Mail stories & comments incessantly ranting about the 'dumbing-down' of the culture, yet oddly the writers of such pieces don't seem to notice their favourite newspaper is Hello magazine with Tory columists.

    Also, I'm not sure about this, but if everyone put their Mail links through something like TinyURL it would probably knock their SEO rating down as Google etc. like sites that link to lots of others, and bloggers not linking to the Fail might mess this up a bit.

  6. Yep, shortening Mail URLs would adversely affect their ranking. I used to do it, but it's a pain in the ass. You can also add 'rel=nofollow' to the end of URLs to instruct search engines not to rank the links (as I do whenever linking to the BNP).

    * Disclaimer: I'm not encouraging anyone to manipulate the Mail's search ranking.

  7. I've noticed a typographical error in this post. At the end of paragraph four, you've mistakenly typed the word 'somehow.'

    This should read 'tomorrow'.