Express Special: Gordon Brown Vetoes Happiness

Nuw Liar-Boar Commandant Gordon Brown dramatically blocked plans for a gleeful celebration of British Culture last night, opening himself up to all-too-deserved criticism from the more sensibly patriotic sectors of society.

British Culture, nationally recognised as one of this county's greatest Cultures to date, was due to be recognised in the glorious mono-coloured celebration of all that our fair fields have to offer. For several months it seemed that even Brown, famed for his austerity and hatred of traditional British conservative values, was ready to give his approval to the festival.

However, Brown's plans shamefully failed to place emphasis on the correct elements of our great empire. In a list of 1984 style Party-issued tips regarding activities for the "Britishness Day", Brown listed "Drinking", "Appreciating the Weather" and Morris Dancing instead of more widely recognised English past-times like empire building and opium wars. Shadow Justice Secretary Nick Herbert said: 'Labour still hasn’t worked out that British identity is bound up in our institutions, culture and history.'

Soon after, Brown ushered in yet another national embarrasment of a U-turn, deciding instead to block plans for the event and deny small children and animals everywhere the chance to celebrate their glorious heritage. Chris Huhne, who once launched a failed 'leadership' bid for the British Democrat Party, even went so far as to boldfacedly claim that 'Displays of nationalism never were the British way'.