James Martin: I hate cyclists THIS much

I don't know much about cars but I know what I hate - and that's cyclists.

I hate the whole tea-infusing, beard-stroking, Green party-voting lot of them. They're just so...gay. What's that? Your dad cycles to the shops? I hate him. Your elderly neighbour bikes to church on a Sunday? Hate her. Your 5 year old has just learned to ride a bike without stabilisers? You better believe I hate him too.

So much do I hate cyclists, that I when I saw a gaggle of them riding through the country lanes near my house as I was taking the new Tesla Roadster for a spin, I drove right up behind them (silently, of course, in my electric car), and just as I got within a hair's breadth of them, slammed my foot down on the accelerator, mowing the hippy bastards down, their pompous, eco-friendly bones crunching beneath the tires, blood staining the asphalt, as the young members of their flock dismounted to watch the carnage with tears streaming down their cheeks, begging me to stop. 'Hell no!', I yelled out the window as I reversed back over the bodies and wrecked bicycle frames to make sure they were all finished, 'not so green now, are you! Hahahahaha!'

When I got home I typed the whole thing out and sent it into the Mail for the Sunday motoring column. What a hoot! 'The readers will love it', I thought, 'they loathe cyclists nearly as much as I do.' Skimping on an actual review in favour of a bloodthirsty tale of murder won't matter, they'll see the joke.

A couple of days later, I leaf through the Live! supplement to find my piece, but find, to my outrage, that they've only gone and toned it down, removing the best bits (the multiple homicides) to replace with some weak crap about hooting the horn and merely forcing the cyclists off the road! It's political correctness gone beserk. As if that wasn't bad enough, shortly afterwards I start getting calls from the limp-wristed ponces at "Cyclists Weekly" or some shit, having a go for tooting my horn at their mates! If only they knew the truth!

To add insult to injury, the next day the lily-livered shits at the Mail remove any reference to badgering cyclists from the online version of the article, without bothering to add a note explaining the edit. Now it just reads like incoherant babbling, and the bit about hating cyclists seems irrelevent and stupid. Damn those sub editors all to hell! Oh well, at least the BBC have a copy of the original.

You'd think that would be it, but no, the lametards at the Guardian pick it up and mock my love of buttery cooking. Apparently Tour de France biking twat Robbie McEwen wants to 'punch me in the face', and some American biking homo thinks I'm 'a douche'. Fucking thought police. Time to cobble together an insincere apology before the papers stop giving me free cars to test drive I guess.

The whole sorry saga has made one thing clear at least. I hate cyclists more than ever.