BBC Programming is Physically and Mentally Harmful

Government communications channel BBC1, which consumes £100billion of taxpayers' money every year, was under fire last night for its depiction of graphic violence in South London based soap opera "East-Enders".

The show, which is aimed at impressionable young teenagers and sensitive middle class families, was aired at 7.30 on Friday night, and featured a horrific storyline that saw one character get knifed to death at the hands of a vicious, probably non-white, criminal gang. Appalled viewers were subjected to the brutal scenes glorifying Britain's knife culture just as they were sitting down to a nice dinner with their loved ones, and it is thought that the BBC's scheduling was designed to inflict the maximum possible moral damage upon unsuspecting audiences. Families were forced to watch the macabre scenes that lingered on the bloodied and grotesquely realistic corpse. Some sources suggested that the actor playing the part of the victim was actually slaughtered by the show's producers in the name of realism.

One viewer watched in terror as the gratuitous televisual opera caused his son to vomit up his own liver and reduced his wife to floods of mortified tears. Another viewer spontaneously burst into flames, and there were reports linking the program with Hurricane Gustav.

The BBC has since been inundated with dozens of complaints, many from people who hadn't even watched the program but had read about it and felt really really angry. Anonymous inside sources informed The Quail that the BBC could face bankruptcy due to the hundreds of compensation claims for damage caused by the show to viewers' health and property.

In a shocking statement released after the crisis, the broadcaster said: 'We understand that some viewers were upset, but we [don't care]'.

Multi Coloured Infants Invade Britain, says Journalist

Disturbing figures leaked by a shadowy Government source show today that more than a third of babies born in the UK are, shockingly, non-white.

Out of 649,371 babies born in 2005, 64.4 per cent were recorded as 'White British'. According to Matthew Hickley, this means that a third of babies are non-white despite the fact that babies born to other white (non-British) backgrounds make up another 5.1%, bringing the total number of white babies to 69.5%. When you add the number of babies born to parents who chose not to state their child's ethnic background, the figure rises to 80.3%.

Hickley's creative use of mathematics led some commentators to interpret the data as very frightening indeed. Sir Andrew Green, supreme commander of Migrationwatch UK, cried: 'This is a measure of the extent to which uncontrolled immigration is changing the nature of our society, against the wishes of a very large majority...The Government has allowed immigration to get out of control, but they still show no sign of a serious effort to reduce it.' Migrationwatch is an independent, non-political body that is 'not opposed to immigration'.

Readers of one local newspaper met the news with mock incredulity. Peter Atkinson of East Grinstead in Sussex quipped wittily: 'well, well, well what a suprise', while Richo from Clacton echoed his sentiment, adding ironically: 'Well I never, how utterly surprising?' Presumably both commenters innocently expected the figures to show that white babies made up at least 100% of the figures. J.Mitchell of Sheffield had some acute practical advice for the government, sagely noting that the news was fine with him 'as long as ALL these children can speak English by the time they go to school at 5 years old, and do not require specialist teachers because their parents, whilst taking advantage of making their life in this country, still refuse to learn our Language.'

Mail Outdoes Itself with Coverage of Convention Yet to Come

Our sister newspaper, The Daily Mail, has long been a bastion of truthful journalism and incisive alliances. Their outlook, like The Quail's, is progressive and forward thinking.

So much so in fact, that last night Peter McKay, who is providing balanced and thought-provoking coverage of the Democratic Convention in Denver, a state in the mid-western region of the former British colony of Virginia, was uniquely able to deliver a report on an event that had not yet come to pass. It is thought McKay had employed the so-called 'McFly' technique of journalism, whereby one travels briefly into the future with the selfless intention of finding the very latest breaking news. The technique unfortunately renders the intrepid traveller completely impotent due to the high levels of radioactivity produced by 'time-bending', but such is the sacrifice that the Mail's groundbreaking reporter was willing to make.

Astoundingly, at 2.16 on the morning of the 29th of August, an article appeared on the Daily Mail's online internet hypertext site describing Barack Obama's official acceptance speech of the Democratic candidacy, over an hour before Obama was due to actually make the speech. Biased left-wing publications like the Guardian and the Independent were left trailing behind McKay's brilliantly timed piece as they had to wait for the event to actually take place, in yet another example of lazy liberal journalism.

McKay described the future scene as Obama disparaged popular Republican president George W. Bush and his extremely successful eight years in office, saying 'On November 4th we must stand up and say: 'Eight is Enough.' Although, reportedly, the speech was received warmly by the 75,000 strong crowd in Denver, Obama's rhetorical style still lags somewhat behind Republican rival John McCain's, who yesterday delivered a startlingly eloquent interview to Time journalists James Carney and Michael Scherer aboard his chartered aeroplane, dubbed 'The McCain Plane'.

Migrant Workers Will Continue to Flock to UK for Almost a Decade, says Thinktank

Worrying figures were released today showing that the number of migrant workers from the Eastern Bloc piling into our country would continue unabated for nearly a decade, until 2010.

According to the objective and independent report by non-political and completely trustworthy thinktank Migrationwatch UK, the number of Polish nomads registering to work in our fair country peaked at 228,000 in 2006. The plague-like influx was largely due to New Labour’s misinformed decision in 2004 to join the EU and open Britain’s gates to a tide of immigrants, while many other European states such as France, Germany and Australia, kept their borders safely shut. Thankfully, these countries will be forced to adopt an open immigration policy by 2011, meaning that many of the undesirable foreigners will go elsewhere instead, where they will be free from the horrors of Blair’s Britain like knife crime, political correctness, socialism and reality TV.

Migrationwatch, whose website prominently features well written tabloid headlines such as ‘Migration must be curbed’ and ‘Asylum seeker has deadly super TB’, optimistically predicts that the number of Eastern Europeans registering to work here will fall to 80,000 in 2010, and 50,000 in 2011. Following these figures through yields the utopian possibility that there might in fact be a negative number of immigrants in Britain by 2025.

Despite this good news, Sir Andrew Green, lord commander of Migrationwatch, warned that the Government should not use the good news as a lazy liberal excuse to claim that the public no longer need to be concerned about immigration levels, and that, confusingly, ‘The latest population estimates confirm that, in the next 25 years, we will have to build seven cities the size of Birmingham just for new immigrants.’ Birmingham, according the latest estimates, has 1.06 million residents, meaning that, if Sir Andrew’s predictions are accurate, there will be over 7 million immigrants living in Britain within the next quarter of a century, or around 12% of the UK’s current population. Sir Andrew was unavailable to comment on the apparent disparity between his own figures and those of Migrationwatch.

A Home Office bureaucrat, no doubt acting under propaganda guidelines from Brussels, said: ‘Nationals from the Accession 8 countries [those that joined the EU in 2004] continue to come to the UK to work, contributing to the success of the economy, whilst making few demands of our welfare system’. However, Bruce from London, in an insightful piece of rhetoric, asked 'Who really believes government claptrap that immigration benefits the economy? Are the economies of Germany, France and Austria suffering so badly because they blocked East European immigration until 2011? Hardly.'

Julie Moult is an Idiot, says Blears

She would prefer to be known for her trailblazing articles on how foreigners are a burden on our great country and tireless campaigning to find Maddie.

But if the hundreds of people using an online internet-connected search machine called Google decide to look for Left-wing activist and college journalism student Julie Moult by typing her name into the search result generator, a string of more unlikely results appear.

The first site you reach features a so-called 'Weblog' (or 'Blog') describing her as 'an idiot'. Last night, the prank raised the possibility that she was the victim of 'Google Bombing', when internet enthusiasts manipulate rankings on search engines.

It is believed the cyberspace writings first emerged a day or so ago, when she battled it out with interweb typist Beau Bo D'Or during a furore over stolen images of ghosts and midget women. D'Or had discovered the images in a secret dossier compiled by a Labour minister, which, in a case of mindblowing incompetence, had been left on a commuter train from Waterloo.

Entering Miss Moult's name into 'Google' directs you to, among other things, pictures of the same ghosts and midgets.

Paul Dacre, special needs adviser to Miss Moult, shrugged off the stunt.

He said: 'Julie is supremely relaxed about this. This is just part of the fun of the internet.'

Google yesterday denied that Moult had been subjected to Google Bombing, saying that her listing along with the words 'Is an Idiot' was due to several factors including popularity, and the fact that so many people could not believe that a journalist could be quite so stupid.

Google Bombing, when cyber pranksters create dozens, or even hundreds, of 'fake' sites linked to the targeted webpage to make it seem more popular, is something that some Right-wing British newspapers are all too familiar with.

For two years, Hate Cleric Richard Littlejohn was embarrassed by Google Bombers who linked the phrase 'Richard Littlejohn' to a website that invited you to click on a picture of his face, resulting in a punching sound and a recording of a profanity.

Similarly, Former Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott's website popped up first when the term 'f***wit' was entered on Google.

Big Brother Britain empowers chimney sweeps to fine families for not keeping their chimneys clean

As if State Officials with the power to hijack cars they suspect might not be taxed and council employees allowed to seize families’ telephone and computer-mail (C-Mail) records wasn’t enough, it emerged today that state and private sector workers are to be given licences to spy on British citizens and hand out fines for harmless activities such as littering, underage drinking and theft.

Under shocking plans revealed in secret Home Office papers publically released yesterday, details of what critics are labelling the ‘Stasi’ police state became clear. The so-called Community Safety Accreditation Scheme (CASS) allows underlings like parking wardens, bin men and bird-spotters to snoop upon ordinary people, watching them like mini power-mad Orwellian dictators, before fining them hundreds of pounds sterling if they dare to breach any one of the countless ‘laws’ that the Labour government considers necessary to run a country.

According to government bureaucrats, this army of snoopers, who can become accredited simply by bribing the Home Office a couple of hundred pounds, will become integral to the ‘extended police family’ that also includes controversial ‘Community Support Officers’, or ‘Blunkett’s Boobies’ as they have come to be known. Figures show grimly that there is already a massive 1.4 thousand such snoopers accredited, and the figure is likely to rise by a factor of between 1 and 100,000 in the next fifty years.

Government priest Vernon Coaker, a member of the Labour Party, claimed that the enforcers would have a ‘critical role to play in neighbourhood policing teams’, but campaigners reacted with incredulity, saying that the army of ‘local punishers’ would be corrupted by power and were likely to target children and OAPs especially, using brutal force to ensure compliance with their militaristic rules. One commenter described how ‘little laws that nobody cares about anymore, like badger worrying, are now in danger of being enforced thanks to the jobsworths in Brussels’.

The snoopers will be identifiable by a special badge and a uniform that must be approved by a local chief constable, and they are likely to be equipped with batons, pepper spray and a plethora of other ‘non-lethal’ implements of justice. A number of positions will also be granted to non-British workers under much maligned Equal Opportunities guidelines, meaning that foreign people would be granted the power to accuse and fine British people of criminal activities. No mention was made in the papers as to whether such officers would be required to even speak English, or how many of them there would be.

Private estimates detailed how the introduction of these powers would lead to a reduction in personal privacy of around 75%, and an increase in the number of civil liberties being reduced by half of roughly 45%. Dominic Grieve, Britain’s most popular Shadow Home Secretary since David Davis, pointed out that ‘The public will be angered that the Home Office is seeking to take serious powers [away from the police and giving them to petty council minions whose only aim is to annoy middle-class working folk who they are jealous of because they earn less than them]’ and that ‘The public want to see real police on the streets…not…inappropriate [undesirables] … unnecessarily [and viciously] snooping on the lives of ordinary [white] citizens’.

Money raised from fines issued by the Big Brother style snoopers will apparently not be kept by councils or the private firms who employ the enforcers, but will go directly into the already swollen coffers of the Labour-controlled Treasury. It is thought profits will probably be spent on providing more luxuries to prison inmates, such as free Sky TV and the latest video game machines.

'Political Correctness one of the most Repulsive Things Ever Invented' says Council Man

Jobsworths at the Ebernoe Parish council in West Sussex want to ban men from walking the local streets, thanks to an offical edict decreeing that the male gender is 'too un-PC'.

The sleepy Sussex village has existed peacefully for thousands of years near Chichester, where proud British King Cogidubnus once resisted Roman invasion in the name of England. Certainly, he would have not been able to do so without the help of his great and civilised army, comprised primarily of men, along with an armed cohort of friendly male British red squirrels.

But now the unstoppable tide of political correctness has reached even the quiet hamlets of Ebernoe, whose annual Horn Fair attracts millions of followers from the neighbouring towns and villages. Bureaucrats, angered at the little village's 'sexist' and politically incorrect approach to life have sent a seven page dictat to the parish council, instructing them how to speak 'correctly'. Split into almost ten bewildering categories of 'Disability', 'Sexuality', 'Gender', 'Race' and 'Age', the pamphlet bans the use of innocent phrases such as 'Man on the street' and 'Old Codger'. Instead, it decrees, phrases like 'person' and 'elderly people' must be used in case ladies and OAPs are offended.

High ranking parishoner Tony Colpoys described his 'outrage' at being sent the 1984-style propaganda, saying 'This kind of thing really gets my goat - it's not as though anybody in their right mind would believe that the 'man in the street' referred solely to the male sex...It's just stupid - I've never heard anything like it...I think political correctness is one of the most ghastly things about our society - it's one of the most repulsive things ever to be invented.'

Chichester District Council, which was responsible for the Newspeak pamphlet, claimed that it was trying to promote a 'positive' approach to its 'equality policy'. By banning traditional British phrases and words, it hopes to introduce a more inclusive culture into Ebernoe. Critics have warned that the practise could destroy local customs and result in a loss of local pride, and that it is just the latest example of an ever-increasing systemic and insideous process of de-Britainisation designed to marginalise the common man.

British Families Left Without Homes as Foreign Influx Skyrockets

Millions of immigrants from other countries, many of whom probably don't even speak English, are living in housing paid for by the British tax-payer, it has emerged from a secret report hidden from the public.

The number of foreigners exploiting loopholes in 'Human Rights' laws to claim free housing has soared over the past five years according to the damning report, produced by the Equality and Human Rights Commission, published recently.

One in nine council homes is now occupied by a migrant family, equal to almost 20%. Therefore, for every hundred council houses, it stands to reason that thirty are posessed by immigrants, leaving only forty free homes for white British middle class families who might want to live there but are now unable to. These families are likely to have to live rough in parks instead, where, as statistics show, it is probable they will be robbed or stolen.

The inquiry warned that due to Britain's rising population outpacing the number of homes available, fewer people were likely to be placed in subsidised accommodation. Many of these people NOT placed by the council or the Housing Association (HA), are likely to be from Britain.

One Englishman, who preferred not to be named, said of the situation, 'What about my rights? I've lived here for most of my life, I've paid a few years worth of taxes, and now thanks to New Labour, my house is going to be taken away and given to an Iraqi nationalist.'

The report paints a grim picture of state-funded housing initiatives thanks to the leech-like effect of people not from around here. One local newspaper described how 'Housing queues have lengthened by more than half since 1997. In London and the south east they have more than doubled'. Although these statistics are unsourced and completely anecdotal, they illustrate just how Dickensian many London boroughs are becoming, groaning under the weight of 'multi-culturalism' championed by 'progressive' 'socialist' 'politicians'.