The tortured logic of the climate change denier

If you're a human being living on the planet Earth, you may have heard about climate change. Some would call that sentence one of the stupidest pleonasms ever conceived but, I promise you, I write even more bad than that. It gets worse.

Polar bears are vicious predators. Despite being white and furry, they would bite your nipples off given the first chance. I read about bears on the Google - far from being the cute stuffed critters with hearts sown on to the outside of their bodies that you may recognise from your childhood, they are in fact a horrible, bitey fiend capable of supreme cruelty against hard-working America-loving patriots. And it turns out they don't even have fur - it's hair. Bears are in fact one of the greatest lies perpetrated by the Liberal communo-fascists since solar power.

So it should come as no great upset that they're dying out. According to the television, human beings and Americans are making the planet hotter, probably due to the warmth of our hearts and the kindess of our lord God, Jesus. The television people and science men say that animals are becoming "extinct" faster than ever because of this Earth warming, somehow.

Now, excuse me, but how in the name of Abe Lincoln do we even know that?! The first animals appeared on Earth in 500 BC and I'm pretty sure we haven't been counting how many ferrets disappear since then! I knew as soon as I heard this ridiculous claim that it was junk because Noah Wyle was presenting the programme. He's not even on prime-time TV any more - what gives him the authority to speak out about anything!

Anyway, I'm going to abruptly change tack now. You may find this confusing - I certainly do - but I assure you there's simply no other way for me to fill this column up.

Here's a simple little rule I thunk up: if you hate America like Noah Wyle and Liberals, you probably also hate humans in general. Hating America=terrorist. And by that logic, if you think Americans are causing animals to die, then you're not a patriot but are in fact a terrorist. And you hate humans. So loving animals=terrorism. ANIMALISTIC TERRORISM.

Without wishing to confuse myself or you any more, allow me to change the subject again. President "N"obama is, of course, acutely susceptible to the animal terrorist anti-American un-Christian message of the global warming brigade. Right now, he's reclassifying razor-sharp toothed polar bears from "threatened" to "endangered" just because far more of them are dead than before. He's also set aside 187,000 square miles in Alaska for a polar bear residential estate where they can feast on human entrails and play football with the ragged remains of savaged puppies, all in the name of conservation of this wretched beast. The poor state of Alaska - over-populated and in dire need of extra real estate as it is - will potentially lose millions of dollars by being banned from drilling for oil in their own nature reserves and lost taxes. Of course, as a staunch right-winger, I'm opposed to taxation, but when the glove fits, as they say...

Ok, I'm bored of that angle now so let me switch again. In case you're having as much trouble following this as I am, let me recap: polar bears are bad. But they're dying, which is good. But they're not really dying because global warming doesn't exist, which is, in this case, bad. But the Liberals say it does exist, which is dumb. On with the show.

The real issue here is: why should we give a flying dodo shit whether animals are dying in any case? Let me stun you with some logic - if, as the Darwinists keep hissing, evolution is real, why do they love animals so much? Evolution is horrible. It makes things die. But Liberals say they don't want things to die. You can't have it both ways, libtards! Either you kill off the bears or you abandon your godless monkey-cousins! We're animals too, bitches! YEAH. How d'ya like your science now, pussies? So long as you believe in evolution, your oh-so-special bears will die. Every time a science happens, an angel loses his wings. Science. Kills.

Thus, surely, humans are commanded to stand aside and let everything else die out. That's how He designed it, isn't it, Darwin? ISN'T IT? Ha! Logic'd!

Let me drop some evidence on y'all. Three decades ago, scientists got it wrong about some frogs in Costa Rica. Science said that there were these frogs in Costa Rica that died because of global warming. Turns out they actually died from a disease or something, probably. See? All you have to do is look through thirty year's worth of scientific history to find a single isolated case of scientists getting it wrong and subsequently admitting their error and you realise what a pack of lies the whole thing is.

The fact is, we don't know why polar bears are dying, which is a shame, because if we did we could speed the process up. If it is global warming (which it isn't) then surely cows should bear the blame? Did you know bovine flatulence is responsible for around 80% of carbon emissions (which don't exist)? Really, if we want to combat climate change (which we don't because it doesn't exist), we should slaughter more cows. There'd be the added bonus of more steak in the world. Sounds a great idea to me, except it isn't because it wouldn't change anything because global warming isn't real.

In summary, because neither global warming or evolution exist, and because I really frickin' hate polar bears, we, as a species, should simply stand aside and laugh as they float around on their little icebergs dying out (which they aren't because they're not really "endangered"). As Americans, we must stand up for what we know is right - in this case, nothing, because nothing bad is happening. Only evolution, which isn't real. Until there's actual proof of extinction - and I'm not talking about "scientific proof", with fossils and statistics and all those other academic lies - I say, kill 'em all. In any case, polar bears aren't dying out because Darwinianism isn't true. But I damn well wish it were, so we could be rid of those doggone savages.