Saturday, 28 February 2009

Online Video Games 'More Addictive than Crack'

An obscure internet video game has been condemned for causing children as young as 12 to become allergic to reality, after a Swedish teenager suffered an epiliptic-type fit when he realised he wasn't really a mighty Paladin from Stormwind.

Massively Addictive Multiple Player Online Life Replacement Role Playing Internet Computer Games, or MAMPOLRRPICGs for short, are at the centre of a disturbing new crisis that has claimed over 11 million victims worldwide.

Extended sessions in virtual universes such as the 'World of Warcraft' are so gripping that many players forget how substandard real life is, causing them to suffer convulsions when they stop playing and remember that they still live in their parents' basements and don't have girlfriends. Experts fear that an alarming number of Warcraft users are beginning to exhibit classical 'reality allergy' - over-sensitivity to natural light, an inability to digest anything other than fast food and carbonated drinks and an irrational terror of employment.

The 15 year old Swede had been playing 'Warcraft' for over 24 hours before collapsing from a combination of sleep deprivation, malnourishment and over concentration. After leaving hospital, he told reporters: 'At least I have chicken.'

Sven Rollenhagen, who led a study into gaming addiction lambasted 'Warcraft' for being 'more addictive than crack cocaine'. A report from Sweden's Youth Care Foundation in Icecrown Glacier agreed, describing it as 'the most dangerous game on the market'.

Sources close to Warcraft dismissed the study, claiming that the researchers 'were just noobs'.

Thursday, 26 February 2009

Nuclear Super Paedos At Large

A new breed of radioactive super paedophile is feared to be stalking Britain, posing the greatest threat to your children since video games and Facebook.

Tom Leopold, a college principal, was due to appear in court facing five charges of making and possessing child pornography, but absconded just days before his trial was to begin.

It is believed he was kidnapped by shadowy government agents as part of 'Operation Child Threat', a secret Labour scheme to undermine the middle-classes by snatching their proletariat offspring and turning them all into junior state officials with the power to issue on-the-spot fines for minor misdeeds such as whistling, littering and assault.

Sources claim Leopold was microwaved at full power until he developed super powers such as X-Ray vision and the chameleon-like ability to seamlessly blend into surroundings - including schools and bowling alleys. Government insiders say super paedos, or 'speedos', are one of the most effective methods of assaulting the traditional British family values Labour hates so much.

A judge issued a warrant for his arrest after learning of Leopold's terrifying mutation, warning police not to approach the 'radioactive' suspect in case he electricked them with his fingers.

He had been stopped by police three weeks earlier as he boarded a ferry to Ireland, but was able to escape after using Jedi mind-tricks to convince officers that his bail conditions had been relaxed and that he would be returning soon. He had a one-way ticket and has been previously convicted of absconding bail.

Monday, 23 February 2009

Mad Mel Incurs Fellow Wracists Rath

Bright-eyed, blonde haired members of Britain's up and coming Nationalist Socialist Party (BNP) reacted with fury today as a mad Jew described them as 'odious' in a reprehensible opinion piece printed in England's third most popular newspaper.

Despite being an ardent supporter of BNP policy and spending the past eight years recruiting new members into their ranks by fearlessly and tirelessly exposing the totalitarianism of New Labour and the tyranny of multiculturalism, Melanie 'Malevolent' Phillips whipped up a storm by appearing to criticise the cuddly, overly sensitive supporters of EU legislation.

Commenters were livid at Phillipses's U-turn over important issues like immigration and the free reign given to brown terrorist hoodies, as she inexplicibly launched a vile tirade against the crusading, charismatic party she had appeared to side with for so long.

John, from London, England, expressed weariness at Mel's incessant liberal agenda with an angry flurry of apostrophe's: "Not another, the BNP are all racist's, fascist's and nazi's outburst from Melanie. These attacks on them are really becoming rather tedious" he sighed. 812 readers agreed.

D Wallace from Birmingham summarised succinctly just why the BNP is so popular with Daily Mail readers: "The reason people are flocking to the BNP is simply because they represent what the people feel, and want, not what successive governments have told, or forced them to accept." 763 readers confirmed that this was true.

Jennie from London demanded an explanation for Mel's absurd description of the BNP as 'odious', before throwing the label back at the LibLabConspiracy that have destroyed our culture: "I would think that the antics of the mainstream Parties over the last 50 years could well be described as 'odious'". 710 readers also wanted to hear Mel's justification for being so mean.

Texan Alan Preen took the pillowcase off his head long enough to write: "Do you seriously consider the BNP to be a worse choice than the lying, cheating labour rabble." 813 Mail readers found his clever rhetoric hilarious and gave his post the thumbs up.

Stephen H Print from Thailand (presumably on holiday) begged Mel not to judge his favourite party quite so unjustly: "No don't condem the BNP for standing up for Briish culture and values that this totally discredited government with an unelected leader work so determindly to destroy" 616 Mailites were similarly hurt by Mel's 'condemation'.

Gary from London, meanwhile, revealed his classical education with a quip Plato himself would have marvelled upon: "Well that's how deocracy works isn't it ?", he said smoothly, while 318 other readers were dazzled by his wit and knowledge of the little-understood laws of 'deocracy'.

Rick from Newcastle summarised the BNP's rise in popularity with the all the linguistic apptitude of an early 20th Century German political leader: "The BNP are the only party standing for Britain and British people.
The labour and the tories have sold our country out..
Where is our Referendum.
Where are our Freedoms..."
...he said, jabbing his finger at an imaginary crowd, his moustache twitching with passion. 679 other readers' taches twitched in support.

Jake, from London, along with 562 friends, had trouble seeing where the trouble was: "I see no evidence that the BNP are odious thugs", before detailing his drive home through winding country roads, "I'm ready for a lurch to the right", he belched.

Michael from Yorkshire, ENGLAND, gave Mel an impromptu history lesson: "I honestly think that the BNP is a natural part of political evolution. History...... ( from ancient Rome onwards ).... is littered with examples of the extreme measures ordinary people will go to - when they feel impotent to change anything. Watch the BNP...... it will be interesting to witness politics entering a new era. It had to may do a lot of good." 524 readers thanked Michael for sharing his knowledge, but still laughed at the word 'impotent'.

But it wasn't all a big BNP friendly, happy get together, as some ignorant 'libruls' attempted to ruin the fun with their personal brand of multicultural fanaticism.

Emma from London sneered: "Can you imagine this country being run by this bunch of cowboys? What are they going to do once they've got rid of all the non-English people?", but, thankfully, 546 Mail readers slapped her down and told her to go home.

Mark C from East Yorkshire yelled uncontrollably: "There is no room in British politics for extreme right-wing, small parties like the BNP", before being booed off stage by 468 red arrows.

Shifty sounding Dan Hollingsworth from Rickmansworth said facetiously: "To all the comenters miffed about being called racists or bigots: Really? Have you not researched your party?", but was rightfully put in his place (behind the corner shop) by 356 real Brits.

Ed from London appeared to have wandered into the wrong room, bleating: "Reading the comments here makes me feel quite uneasy. I hope the extreme-right views doesn't represent Britain as a whole. As a British/Italian Jew I would be probably in a very unstable situation with the rise of a Nazi party. I better start doing something about my brown hair and olive skin before is too late, I say."

347 Daily Mail readers agreed that, yes, he should start doing something about his tell-tale impure brown hair and distasteful olive skin, and voted his comment down for showing such arrogance in admitting he's a foreigner who came over here and took things.

Sunday, 22 February 2009

Silly Blonde Sues Evil Corporation

Here at Quailcliffe House, we have little time for ingrates suing their employers just because they are too sensitive to cope with a little bit of light hearted racism or hilarious sexual harassment jiggery-pokery.

Equally, however, we also whole-heartedly condemn the corrupt state owned broadcaster known as the BBC, purveyor of smut, peddlar of immorality, and shower of violent soap operas that it is.

So today's revelation that BBC TV and radio filth pimp Tessa Dunlop - presenter of such vile and distasteful programming as 'History Hunters with Bill Oddie' and BBC Radio London's 'The Late Show' - has launched a sexual discrimination claim against the Ministry of Truth Beeb, vexes us greatly.

On the one hand, there is little doubt that taking umbridge at being fired two weeks after giving birth to your child is beyond reason. Mothers should be legally obliged to surrender their lives to the good of the family the instant an infant squeezes its way out of the womb, into the terrifying, multicultural fog that hangs over New Labour's Britain like a great cloud of inclusive misery, eroding traditional values, rewarding terrorists and weakening the gene pool. A woman who tries to work after selfishly flooding herself with hormones during the 9 month gestation period is about as useful as a loincloth on a killer whale.

On the other, it is a well established fact that the BBC is one of the most harmful forces in Britain today and must be stopped before it can achieve its ultimate goal of creating a godless, tolerant country of slavish dedication to the Stalinist regime commanded by Overlord Brown and his team of spin-doctors. Therefore, any legal action against the bloated, irresponsible propaganda machine is to be encouraged.

But how are we to support a vituous financial and moral assault on a beast as wicked as Auntie, while simultaneously decrying the actions of a feckless blonde woman who lacked the common sense to wait until she had retired to have children?

If this Jezebel had been an employee of our fine newspaper, she would have been swiftly ejected from her position as soon as anyone noted even the merest suggestion of a bump beneath her blouse. You can't chase exclusives with some young libertine running around throwing up all over the newsroom.

But that is not to say the BBC took the correct course of action. They behaved recklessly and deserve to be punished for hiring such a weak, untrustworthy person in the first place, and for making us pay a licence fee.

However, Miss Dunlop is wrong to claim 'sex discrimination', because there is no such thing. She has no right to claim compensation, being a woman and all.

It's awfully confusing. We really don't know how to handle this one, and unfortunately Media Watch don't work Sundays so they can't tell us what to think. If any readers have any insights, please arrange for them to be telegrammed to use before tea time.

Thursday, 19 February 2009

Facebook Gives You Cancer

For millions, logging on to the social networking website Facebook has become an integral part of daily routine, allowing them to keep track of friends they never speak to and stalk attractive co-workers.

But few are aware that every second spent mindlessly pouring over pictures from Sharon's hen night or reading Nathan's 25 truths increases the chance of catching cancer by up to 100%. Joining 'groups' - pages which multiple Facebook users can join to express either their hatred or love of common interests - is thought to cause strokes and elephantitis of the scrotum.

A study carried out by psychologist Dr Aric Sigman found that social isolation 'could alter the way genes work and upset immune responses, hormone levels and the function of arteries' - just like AIDS does.

Sigman's research, published in Biologist, described how social interaction has plummeted since 1987 while the average person's use of electronic media has doubled, resulting in a dark and lonely world where people no longer speak to each other in person or buy newspapers, but instead spend all of their time virtually 'poking' each other and sharing pictures of cats.

Although social networking sites such as Facebook were originally thought to help people connect with others and make them think they have more friends than they really do, Dr Sigman said the reality was frighteningly different: 'Social networking sites should allow us to embellish our social lives, but what we find is very different', he said, adding that 'These are not tools that enhance, they are tools that displace.’

Sigman - who also believes that TV kills people - warned that people are becoming increasingly deprived of real face-to-face personal contact, which encourages 'cuddle chemicals' that make people feel warm and fuzzy and help prevent cancer, strokes, heart disease and dementia. Such cuddley molecules are absent in the type of bleak electronic communications found on Facebook. But not MySpace.

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

Now Labour Wants All Boys to Have Kids

Teachers must stop teaching Maths and English to under 16 year olds and instead focus on persuading them to become fathers, according to new government advice published six years ago.

The Department of Health, embarrassed by statistics revealing that Britain still lags behind America in teen pregnancy league tables despite decades of libertinist sex 'education' workshops, has ordered that teenagers as young as five be brainwashed with the 'necessary skills, knowledge and attitudes' to make them believe they want to have children.

It is thought the new generation of childrens' children will be recruited into playgroundless Labour controlled city academies, where they will be trained as local council snoopers and taught to issue on-the-spot fines to taxpayers for minor misdemeanors such as littering or badger worrying. By the age of 12 they will already have served six years in the 'dustbin Stasi', and will become eligible to have children of their own.

'Operation Make Kids Have Kids Now', as it is known, revolves around a chilling pamphlet titled 'Baby Fathers: New Images of Teenage Fatherhood'[pdf], and features terrifying images of fathers as young as 17 professing to be 'proud and able parents'.

Teenage parenthood researcher Patricia Morgan said irrelevantly: 'This is child abuse. Fatherhood before the age of 16 should be a matter for the police', apparently unaware that all of the fathers in the pamphlet were 17 or older.

Cathy Hamlyn, head of the Ministry for Advancement of Underage Procreation and Child Redeployment (MAUPACR), described 'the timely resource' as a collection of propaganda illustrating the 'positive experiences, expectations and aspirations of teenage fathers'. It is understood a companion guide portraying traditional single teenage life without children as a dark and treacherous time of fear and isolation when young boys have only violent, alcoholic stepfathers to turn to for daily beatings, is due for publication at some point in the future.

Tim Loughton, the Tory party's children's spokesman, added that descriptions appearing in the booklet of teenage parenthood as 'the worst kind of punishment' [page iii] only served to 'glamorise teen parents' and 'encourage some [youngsters] to take irresponsible risks with sex.'

Monday, 16 February 2009

New Labour Fines Princess Diana £1000

Our contacts at another newspaper have unearthed startling evidence that New Labour is preparing to fine our beloved Princess Di £1000 for having an outdated driving licence.

It emerged recently that photocard driving licences only have a 10 year lifespan, after which they self destruct and the owner is charged £1000 for a new one. Nobody ever knew this because information about the secret expiration date is hidden on the back of driving licences; studies suggest that less than 1% of people ever read the reverse side of any credit card sized object, and thus over 99% of Britons will be hit with an unexpected renewal fee when they are forced to get a new licence.

Critics have described the situation as another example of 'politically correct stealth tax gone mad' and have warned that children are likely to suffer as an indirect result somehow.

As the above evidence shows, Princess Di now goes under the name 'Christine Robinson' and lives in Cardhampton. She was unavailable for comment at time of press, but it is likely that she was not aware of the fine and finds this kind of left-wing stealth tax appalling.

* Note *

Commited readers may have noticed that this exact same post appeared in September 2008, but a few short days after The Quail hatched, angrily screaming, from its leathery, puce-coloured shell.

If The Mail can reprint identical articles five months after publication and pretend it's news, I can too.

Sunday, 15 February 2009

Daily Mail Website Destroys Another Middle-Class Marriage

For months until she finally caught him out, Barbara Davies suspected that her husband was having an affair.

'He was withdrawn, moody,' says the Femail journalist from England.

'He became less affectionate with me and our two teenage daughters. He didn't want to spend time with us. At first, I wondered if he was having some kind of breakdown. Then, when he started shutting himself away with the computer, I started to think he might be seeing someone else.'

The truth, when it finally came out last summer, was far more complex, but equally disturbing.

Barbara's husband had become addicted to The Daily Mail's website after spending hours each day viewing titilating online images of young girls.

In the end, the couple's marriage broke down when Barbara's husband walked out on her with the computer in his arms, saying he didn't even need a roof over his head just as long as he could look at sub-20 year old girls wearing revealing outfits, next to articles calling them sluts.

'I felt utterly sick,' says Barbara. 'Betrayed. I think the fact that we have two teenage daughters somehow made it even worse in my mind. Some of the girls in the pictures looked only a few years older. I truly think it would have been easier to have coped with him having an affair.'

If Jane's experience sounds like a rather seedy, one-off story, think again. Addiction to looking at young girls in various states of undress is increasing at an alarming rate. Men who might have innocently accessed websites such as Mail Online to try to read the news find themselves bombarded with images of nubile teen celebrities, in an environment that allows readers to convince themselves that this is perfectly acceptable.

Often the girls will be condemned for drunken, hedonistic behaviour or lambasted for being too fat/thin or trashy by pretend journalists attempting to justify quasi-pornographic output, lulling readers into the false belief that what they are reading is 'perfectly acceptable'. At times it is the mere suggestion of teenage nudity that provides the kicks. Sometimes, however, the authors completely forget to even attempt to insert any degree of acceptability, using paedophilic headlines like 'My hasn't she grown!'

Before they know it, unwitting male readers are logging on every couple of hours for another glimpse of Emma Watson's bottom, or to see if Peaches Geldof has gone full frontal yet.

The instant accessibility of an electronic Daily Mail and the ability to view anonymously and in privacy are proving to be a toxic combination. One anonymous psychotherapist has even gone so far as to label it 'the crack cocaine of the internet'.

The Mail online claims that is only catering to readers' demands, and isn't doing anything out of the ordinary. The statistics - based on six year old research when the internet was unrecognisably different to its current form - speak for themselves: 12 per cent of all websites are pornographic, 25 per cent of all search engine requests are pornographic, and 35 per cent of all internet downloads are pornographic. 'Sex' is the most-searched word on the internet.

To ignore this demand would be to lose millions of valuable visitors every month; visitors who swell official traffic figures and allow The Mail to claim an ever growing circulation, which in turn results in greater advertising revenue to fund the fight against the horrific, inexcusable evils of pornography and paedophilia.

Leaving Britain Makes You Ill, Say Experts

Holiday makers have been advised to hire a caravan and head for Bognor this summer instead of going anywhere pleasant, as scientists warned that leaving Britain increases the chance of catching MRSA by up to 37%.

A study by a team of bikini-clad scientists at the University of Miami found that the killer superbug thrives in warm waters such as those off the coast of Spain, Portugal, Florida and anywhere else south, east or west of England. MRSA already kills around 1,500 people every year in Labour controlled UK hospitals.

Dr Lisa Plano, who led the research, investigated the prevalence of Staphylococcus - of which MRSA is just one of an assortment of distasteful flavours - at a nearby beach by asking volunteers to collect samples of seawater before they were analysed with an MRSAometer. They found that a shocking 37% - nearly half - of the samples contained Staphylococcus and almost all (3%) were MRSA.

Genetic analysis of the isolated organisms found that virtually all of the staph germs were harmless but most of the MRSA samples were live and dangerous. Reports that one of the samples bit a member of Plano's team before escaping into the wild to mate with unsuspecting locals a bit like in that movie Species are being investigated.

Despite estimates that between 20% and 40% of people in Britain unwittingly carry MRSA at any one time, and official advice that the superbug is only a risk to those with deep, open wounds or weakened immune systems, experts warned that it would be best never to travel further south than Devon and advised anyone coming into contact with foreigners to wear protective rubber body suits and avoid all eye contact.

Friday, 13 February 2009

Outrage as Quail Agrees with Mail

Fury erupted today as another Quail comment made it past The Daily Mail's infamously censorious website moderation dragons and automated compliance bots, which are programmed to destroy any incoming opinion contrary to that of the author's and suggestions that Richard Littlejohn shouldn't be Prime Minister.

But this was no ordinary thinly disguised parodic utterance condemning the folly of improving education while praising unsustainable, environmentally damaging energy sources; insiders have suggested that The Quail actually, genuinely agrees with Harry Phibbs' evaluation of LabourList as 'a crashingly awful website' with all the shrill, humourless didacticism of 'student politics combined with an endless stream of Soviet-style propaganda.'

The Quail is proud to stand amongst such luminaries as L.G. from Berkshire, who added insightfully: 'Labour scum, but hey what's new?' and Andrea from Buckingham who was concerned that her hard-earned English pounds might be funding LabourList's misguided mission: 'What I want to know is are we, the taxpayers, funding the blog?' she wailed. A source revealed that the answer is no.

Labour councillor Kerron Cross agreed that ‘the development of Labourlist will alienate as many Labour supporters – and Labour supporting bloggers – as it will upset Tories. It is like a concept that has been generated before any real content has been thought through – gather all the left of centre bloggers in a room and tell them you are taking control, how democratic and accessible is that?'

Meanwhile, one weblogger who attended LabourList's awesome, outside-the-box, 20th century new media launch breakfast, suggested that perhaps Derek Draper, the former spin doctor behind the website didn't really 'get' blogging or web 2.0, whatever that is: 'What’s the point in gathering an element of the bloggersphere if you’re going to simply give them pastries and talk at them? It felt very broadcast and not very social.'

Draper, who hasn't got time to deal with self-important bloggers like you, may or may not have said: 'I don't give a shit. I am building a site for 60 million people, not 60 bloggers so shut up', before running off to point at random people in the street and call them racists.

Thursday, 12 February 2009

Feral Immigrant Children Putrify British City

Rabid packs of disease-spreading immigrant children are roaming wild in Sheffield and putting a major strain on taxpayer funded city resources, it emerged today.

Like the rats that caused the Black Death of London in 1665, 136 Slovakian families have flooded into the Yorkshire city since 2007, shamelessly looking for work and a better life for their families. Deprived immigrant nests are now a common sight to local residents, with many Eastern Europeans cramming up to 20 members of their family into a single small residence.

The overcrowded conditions have led to outbreaks of un-British diseases such as Hepatitis A, impetigo and thread worm amongst the migrant offspring, who brazenly wander the streets flaunting their their poverty 'for all to see', wearing tracksuits made by Neebok and Dunplop trainers.

A local man said: 'A dirtier or more wretched place I have never seen. The streets are narrow and muddy, and the air is impregnated with filthy odours. There are a good many small shops round here, but the only stock in trade appears to be heaps of small children who crawl in and out at the doors or scream from the inside. The sole places that seem to prosper amid the general blight of this place are the public houses, and in them the lowest orders of the Slovaks wrangle with might and main. Covered ways and yards, which here and there diverge from the main street, disclose little knots of houses where drunken [immigrant] men and women positively wallow in filth.'

Wednesday, 11 February 2009

Perfectly Safe Food is 'Perfectly Safe' Shocker

Ovivores throughout Britain rejoiced today as tabloid newspapers finally allowed them to eat unfertilised baby chickens again without fear of succumbing to heart disease, cancer or any number of unrelated terminal maladies.

Having scared everyone 10 months ago with a timely Easter warning of the terrifying dangers of eating eggs, The Daily Mail today announced that they had in fact eggexaggerated the whole thing and deliberately misrepresented scientific research so they could sell more newspapers. A source said, 'Well, we all make mistakes. Just some more than others. Deliberately, every day.'

A number of other newspapers agreed that eating eggs not only doesn't give you cancer or cause heart attacks, but suggested that they might even be good for you and taste nice with ham.

Bizarrely, almost every single article included some bewilderingly unfunny variation on the phrase 'Go to work on an egg' - an advertising slogan from the 1950s, when everything in Britain was great unlike today, which is rubbish because of knife-wielding single mothers and homosexuals on benefits.

Eggs had originally been blamed for causing heart disease and increasing cholestoral based on a study that found that people who ate eggs tended to be older and fatter, more likely to smoke and drink and less likely to exercise than average. Therefore, it was clear that it was eggs, not the fags, booze and obesity, that were to blame for incidences of strokes and heart disease.

Experts revealed that a number of other foodstuffs also might not kill you, including bread, water and chicken McNuggets - but recommended that people remain scared of everything they put into their mouths just in case.

An NHS Spokesman may or may not have said: 'But....but, we said all of this the same day that stupid, unfounded article came out in April 2008. Nobody listened!', before sighing dejectedly and trudging back to the office, never to be heard of again.

Sunday, 8 February 2009

Femail Special: Liz Jones, The Voice of Feminism

There's nothing more important in this dizzying, confusing modern world of microwave ovens and colour TVs than for a woman to be lovely.

Sometimes, I have to stop amidst all the hustle and bustle, and take a moment to reflect on just how lovely I am. I really am staggeringly lovely, and also fashionable. I pity those poor women who aren't as sweet and innocent - and married - as I am. Women like these. Ew! With that attitude they'll never find a nice, rich, fashionably black man like I have to make them feel all warm and fuzzy and protected.

Anyways, on Friday morning I awoke in my lovely four-poster bed, decked out in beautiful Dorothy Perkins bedsheets and a nice thick John Lewis duvet, to find that - golly! - we'd been snowed in on my quaint little farm in Exmoor! My husband had looked up the weather forecast on that internet thingy on Thursday night (I don't know how to use it) and told me it would be quite chilly, so I had already put rugs on the horses that we own on our considerably expansive property, but I never expected it to snow like this! I mean, the news had been reporting on heavy snow and stuff bringing London to a standstill for over a week but I hadn't really paid attention. Why would I? I'm too busy with make-up and diamonds to listen to the boring old weather!

By 10 o'clock, the snow was too thick to push a wheel barrow through - I often push wheel barrows around our sizeable estate, helping the boys feed the animals and things. They laugh and say I get in the way, but I like to pretend I'm a real farm hand, bringing hay and food and stuff to the stables. It's fun to run around being 'rustic', knowing that really I'm a go-getting city girl with a mobile phone and a bag full of emails; when I'm in high-powered meetings at Northcliffe House I sit there and look at all the other silly single women who only have a dank flat in Brixton or somewhere to go home to, and it makes me smirk to think how lovely I am compared to them.

A few minutes later, tired out by heaving some hay to the horses, I went out with my sheep-dog Coco to check on the cute little Shetland lambs that I'd shut in the hay barn overnight. They're normally allowed to roam free in the fields but I thought they might get buried in the snow, so away they went, inside to the warm and dry. They're so sweet, with their big, misty eyes and curly little tails - they're so cute you just want to eat them up!

Unfortunately, the dogs that we keep in the barn did eat them up overnight as I'd forgotton to feed them for a few days. It was a terrible mess, with bits of fur and hooves all stuck to the floor with blood. Woops! Silly old me. Must remember to keep them seperate in future!

With the lambs taken care of, I set off to leave food for all the wild creatures who come and visit us. I've seen a rather majestic looking fox coming and going over recent months, roaming the fields like an intrepid farm yard explorer. He's quite an attractive beast, with a wonderfully lustrous coat and strong, lean legs and piercing yellow eyes. I find him almost sexual - if there's a Mrs. Fox, I bet she gets treated to all sorts of erotic displays of animal masculinity, and hours of steamy volfen fun every night. Ooh! If only I could be a fly on the wall.

There's a badger's den in the nearby woods, so I leave some scraps near the edge of our land for them. I've known them for a few years, and have given them names and seen their brood enlarge with the arrival of little badger babies - marvellously cute little things - but they are suffering dreadfully with this horrible cold. Maurice and Belinda (they're the mummy and daddy badgers) were forced to eat some of the youngsters when it got really cold in December. It was rather awful, but such are Mother Nature's mysterious ways. I took a day off from my important job at The Daily Mail to watch with fascination as the two parents snapped their little ones' necks and feasted on their warm flesh. In a way, they were just doing what was best for the family. If only some human mothers would show the same degree of responsibility.

After filling all the bird feeders, I watched in wonder at all the birdies swooping down for some much needed nourishment. It was so lovely, I was filled with a sudden urge to dance around the garden filled with womanly joy, as woodpeckers, linnets, tree creepers, nuthatches, wrens and numerous tits flocked to our designer bird tables. It was like an impromptu avian Cirque du Soleil, an explosion of colour and tweeting! You probably couldn't imagine the spectacle, living in cities or pokey little houses in the suburbs, but let me tell you - it truly was a delight! How lucky you are, my readers, to have someone like me to relate to you the wonderous natural beauty of a panoply of wild birds on a Winter's morning.

Old man Reg stopped by just as I was heading back to the house (I call it a house, but it's more of a manor really). He's a farmer, a deliciously whimsical 'sat of the earth' type character that you people would only have read about in stories, the type of person who makes a lovely antidote to all the silly city-types I see during the day. Local people like him are true heroes; as well as taking feed to animals (sheep, cattle, ponies and goats) on the most remote parts of the moor, he had been knocking on doors of the most remote houses, seeing if everyone was OK as there'd been rumours that some darkies had been spotted in a nearby village, stealing berries from some of the farmers' fields.

'Alright there Liz', he drawled in a slow, low-pitched sort of way that made me go weak at the knees. 'You keeping yourself safe young lady?'

I giggled and told him I was fine, if a little wet.

'Good good. Off to the big city to write your hard-hitting, incisive and progressive column today?', he asked sensually.

'Yes Reg', I grinned, blushing. 'No rest for the wicked!'

Our estate is only a few miles from the A38 in Devon, where more than 200 people were stranded on Thursday night. Despite advice from the nanny-state government, most drivers had not thought to take a survival kit with them: a blanket, torch, wellies, a flask of coffee and a well-charged mobile.

But I can’t talk - silly little me didn't either! I'm just a girl, afterall.

I'd set off for London amidst all the snow and chaos, because my really important, high-flying job stands still for no woman. It wasn't long before I realised, however, that I had virtually no control over my £50,000 car, and after trying to inch my way down a hill (very difficult in an automatic BMW, where the only control you have is to touch your brakes), I was forced to stop at a crazy angle in the middle of the road. Three cars smashed into each other behind me, but luckily I was ok. A crowd of more durable folk - men - clustered round my window.

‘You can't just stop in the middle of the road, you're obstructing both lanes,’ they shouted meanly. ‘We can’t go past you because we might crash into you.’ I felt like crying, and would have started shrieking had I not been so enraptured by one of the scrummy men whose car had been rear-ended when I slammed on the brakes. Luckily, this modern day Adonis posessed manners as wonderful as his tight bottom and the buldge I noticed in his jeans, and helped me push my expensive BMW off the road into a field.

Unfortunately, he was gone as soon as I was off the road, despite my best eye-lash fluttering and theatrical chest heaving. I even undid my blouse, pretending to be flushed from all the drama, but alas, he disappeared back into the blizzard.

So there I sat, shivering in spite of my lovely thick Dior winter coat, by the side of the road (I'd been too silly to put on gloves or a hat because I thought the air con in the BMW would warm me up sufficiantly), until at last a passing 4x4 took pity on my form, slumped tragically, and yet alluringly, by the car, seated on my giant, absurdly expensive Prada tote.

It was a woman driver, I was disappointed to find, but she was kind enough to drive me back to the end of my lane. I was astonished at her man-like ability to drive in the slippery conditions; she even managed to park at our gates without hitting any nearby cars or children. I joked that I should take lessons from her - goodness knows how much cash I've spent settling lawsuits with the neighbours over things I've driven into with our BMW!

So, I was back where I started, and after an exciting day with the animals (especially Mr Fox) and skidding my way around town, I collapsed into the strong arms of my husband. 'Oh! It's been frightful!', I announced dramatically, 'Promise me you'll never let me go out my own again!'

He told me jokingly to grow up, before shutting himself away in the bedroom, but I knew he was just being silly.

I sat down by our real open log fire and thought over the day's events. Lots of men have been talking about how pathetic we Brits have been over the past week or so, but it's alright for them with their big strong muscles and mighty, stoic eyebrows. For us girlies, the cold and the snow makes things really hard, and we don't know what to do.

We have all grown up believing that everything will be OK and that someone, somewhere (the Government, the council, the NHS, our bosses, our husbands, nice young handsome men) will look after us.

We have all (mainly women) become childlike, lulled into a false sense of security by endless signs telling us not to drink and drive, to remember not to give alcohol to children, to eat that all-important five a day. If you disagree, you're either being silly or you're a butch lesbian. Part of being a woman is facing the fact that you just aren't good enough to cope with most things; true wisdom and strength lies in getting men to do things for you.

This freak snowstorm has been a valuable lesson. In the scary Britain of 2009, no one in officialdom can hear you scream. I am not alone in wanting greater state intervention in our lives, as otherwise, how will we know what to do? And I think most of my colleagues at The Daily Mail agree, there needs to be more support from the government, more control, more handouts (but not to those horrible, undeserving working class people), and an increase the public sector watching over us and storing our personal details.

Men might disagree, but what do they know? I for one need someone to hold my hand every step of the way, and so do all women, whether they know it or not.

The one thing I can do on my own, however, is be completely and utterly lovely.

Saturday, 7 February 2009

Teen Wrongly Jailed Over Father's Murder; Emo and Pills Really To Blame

A 15 year old 'lad' was forced into murdering his father and attempting to kill his mother after GPs recklessly prescribed him the contraversial mind-altering drug prozac, a court heard yesterday.

Edward Belben battered his father Gary at least 30 times with a hammer and crowbar before plunging a knife six inches into his brain, then attacked his mother, stabbing her in the face with a pair of scissors before fleeing 'covered in blood, bone and brain'.

Just weeks earlier, Belben had been prescribed prozac by doctors at his local medical practice in Colchester, Essex. He had been diagnosed with major depression in 2007 after experiencing trouble at school, and was known to have self-harmed - Belben described himself as a member of the 'suicide cult' of Emo.

Prozac, which belongs to a class of drug known as SSRIs (Selective Seretonin Reuptake Inhibitors), has 'been linked with a range of side-effects including suicide and violence', said humanities graduate Andrew Levy, reporting on the case. Edward Rees, Belben's defence lawyer said: 'The prescriptions of these SSRIs for adolescents is [sic] guarded with guidelines, most of which were not followed by GPs in this case.'

Speaking at the trial, defence witness Dr Andrew Herxheimer, a clinical pharmacologist, explained how 'in one study, carried out on people without depression, up to one in 20 suffered adverse effects, including "turbulence of emotions and compelling thoughts"'.

Belben had admitted manslaughter on grounds of diminished responsibility, but denied murder as the defence argued that prozac had effectively compelled him to murder his father. Although this claim was categorically dismissed by the court, newspaper reports agreed that the judge and jury had obviously missed point, and that it was indeed the pills - wantonly prescribed by the state funded NHS - that were to blame.

Chelmsford Crown Court also heard some minor, unimportant evidence that Belben had been regularly using a multitude of class-A drugs such as cocaine, crack and amphetamines long before he was prescribed SSRIs, drank heavily, smoked cannabis and had become part of a violent gang. Irrelevantly, he had also described experiencing 'obsessive thoughts', compulsions that made him behave unpredictably and dangerously, and said that he 'didn't feel real'.

Friday, 6 February 2009

The Enemy of Our Enemy is Our Friend

The BBC is even worse than the Stalinist Labour government and its unelected dictator Gordon McBroon, it emerged today.

The Daily Mail's resident auntie-watcher Liz Thomas lept to the defence of Britain's PM today after BBC presenter Jeremy Clarkson called him a rude name, despite the well established fact that McBroon is the amalgamated reincarnation of Stalin, Mussolini and Norse demon god of fire and trickery, Loki.

Clarkson's unforgivable description of McBroon as a 'one-eyed Scottish idiot' sparked outrage and led to a flurry of nearly one complaint, as the state-controlled broadcaster faced mounting calls from nobody for the jean-wearing presenter's immediate dismissal.

The sickening remarks were made 10,000 miles away in the former prison colony of Australia, as Clarkson - who came under fire last year for swearing, destroying icons of Britishness and offending lorry drivers - hosted a press conference about Top Gear Live, a stage version of the irresponsible BBC motor show which regularly encourages viewers to break the speed limit and smoke dangerous substances.

After the vicious insult, he said to co-star Richard Hammond: 'I said that out loud, didn't I?', before facetiously laughing the situation off as if it nobody would be outraged when they read about it in England.

The BBC issued a statement noting that the presenter had apologised and said no further action would be taken because of this. A spokesman said: 'Really? Look, you've called us 11 times already today. Please go away. No, we don't have any comment on the rumours that Paxman skins kittens alive. Pardon? No, we won't refund your licence fee because you don't like Chris Moyles. Just turn the radio off.'

Thursday, 5 February 2009

MySpace Bans Paedos; Your Children At Risk

Web based internet hyper-site 'MySpace' has banned 90,000 paedophiles from its pages, leading to fears that the displaced sex offenders will now pose an even greater risk by transferring their accounts to a social networking site that people actually still use.

According to internet security firm Sentinel, which is owned by MySpace, child abusers have already begun flocking to rival world wide net page 'The Facebook' in the hope of luring children as young as three - including yours - into their gnarled, yellowing talons.

John Cardillo, head of Sentinel, revealed that a staggering 0.0056% of The Facebook's 150m users are dangerous child sex offenders: 'We found 8,487 registered sex offenders on Facebook in just a few days by doing a basic search that any user can access' he said.

Cardillo added that it could prove extremely difficult to weed out the vast number of peadophiles that managed to slip past Sentinel's advanced peadophile hunting methods by using advanced evasion tactics like registering 'fake names and details'. Experts warned that up to 100% of Facebook users could in fact be paedophiles masquerading as normal people.

A spokesman for Facebook, which encourages supermarket employees to insult customers, allows teachers to denigrate parents, causes teenagers to shoot each other, has helped gatecrashers ruin peoples' homes, grooms youngsters for a life of crime, bans teddy bears, and has led to the amoral rise of 'generation SEX', said that the site had already removed 4,679 suspected paedophiles' accounts 'as a precaution'.

The remainder of those flagged up by Sentinel consisted of name-only matches for very common names that had a high probablity of not actually being paedophiles at all, meaning that the 8,487 figure is utterly misleading and basically meaningless.

However, sources recommended that the made-up number be taken as representative of just how scary and dangerous Facebook, and indeed, the internet is and that it would be best to remain suspicious of everything invented within the last 40 years.

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Tuesday, 3 February 2009

Those 'Gays' Infiltrate Police Station

OUTRAGE erupted today as homosexuals invaded a police station in Limehouse and replaced the Union Jack flag that ordinarily flies proudly above the entrance with a rainbow flag, before painting the entire building pink and then dancing poofily around the Chief Superintendent's helmet.

In scenes frighteningly reminiscent of 1956 movie 'Invasion of the Bodysnatchers', bobbies were left mystified as to the identity of the closet homosexuals within their ranks - it is well known that 'gays' stand out a mile in 'real man' jobs such as policing, fire fighting and steel working as they lack the required wrist strength to wield truncheons, hoses and girders with any degree of expertise.

A Scotland Yard spokesman suggested the incident was simply the work of an individual acting alone and completely unconnected to official police policy or any 'politically correct' agenda: 'It would appear someone, albeit with good intentions, decided to fly the rainbow flag over a police building in support of Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender history month.'

But, in a shocking expose, homophobic Daily Mail journalist Stephen Wright implied otherwise by comparing the case to similarly disgraceful behaviour recorded 200 miles away last week, when another 'gay' pride flag was flown at a North Wales police station.

As if that wasn't evidence enough of an insidious nationwide politically correct plot to force ordinary taxpaying Britons to love the 'gays', an unnamed police officer - who may or may not exist - told Wright: 'I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw [the rainbow flag]. The police are playing politics again', while a Tory MP pointed out that hoisting a flag outside a station would prevent officers fighting crime: 'This is tokenism and posturing. People want to see their police force focus on fighting crime, not getting involved in political tokenism and gestures.'

He added: 'I'm not a homophobe, and some of my best friends are gay, but I do hate the gays quite a lot'.

Sunday, 1 February 2009

Opinonion: Some Final Thoughts on Those Homosexuals

Those 'gays' have been given an easy ride for far too long. Britain has been all too accomodating to homosexuals since 1967 when poovery was legalised, and we have bent over backwards to allow their deviant ways ever since - letting them ride in the same sections of buses as straight people, dine in our restaurants and even allowing them to do the same kind of jobs that normal folk do.

Nowadays, we are forced by the liberal thought police stasi to say that we think homosexuality is a good thing, and if we do not, then we are labelled 'homophobes'. Absurdly, we are expected not just to say, but to think, that homosexual couples are equal in all ways to real married couples, even though the vast majority of evidence suggests that they are in fact less faithful, more likely to take drugs, and care less about traditional values like having a nice nuclear family. Disgracefully, we are compelled to agree with government dictat that homosexual couples are just as capable of bringing up children as the children's own grandparents, even though everyone knows that most homosexuals harbour dangerous 'tendancies' towards young boys.

No longer is the common, perfectly reasonable view that homosexuals are morally bankrupt, HIV-spreading, sub-human libertines acceptable. No longer are we allowed to voice our thoughts, that doubtless everyone shares, for fear of losing our jobs or being labelled intolerant. Only the truly fearless can stand up against the tyranny of the homosexual lobby; brave heroes like Peter Hitchens have unfortunately become few and far between as Orwell's dystopia creeps ever closer to becoming a reality. Don't worry though, for such selfless oracles as Hitchens have developed clever ways of deflecting the vile accusations hurled against him - men such as he fight the methods of the thought police with aptitude and aplomb.

You think I exaggerate the power and fury of these forces? The totalitarian rage on this subject is quite astonishing. The unelected militant representatives of the homosexual doctrine suppress all who oppose it, while seeking to ensure that the sticky tentacles of poovery encroach into every corner of our lives. We can't even call homosexuals 'homosexuals' any more. This neutral word is not considered enthusiastic enough. We have to say 'gay'. Which is exactly why I don't, apart from in inverted commas.

The 'gay' rights regime reached its zenith - or should it be nadir? - last week, as it was deemed perfectly acceptable, despite the outrage of many a balanced and progressive columnist, for two homosexuals to literally steal two young children from their mother and loving grandparents.

First, the mother of the children ends up as a drug abuser, like so many others in a country which permits the endless promotion of drug use by rock stars and refuses to punish the possession of narcotics, the only measure that would work. It's not her fault, of course, and thus she should not be punished for lifestyle choices chosen not by her but for her, by the state. Tragically, the father of one of the children died, probably in an heroic act of bravery, saving small animals from a fire, while the father of the second child ended up a drug addicted schizophrenic. Again, he cannot be blamed for this sad fate, and should not be held accountable for his actions, or punished by being banned by totalitarian government forces from seeing his beloved children.

Then, when the grandparents, who, having struggled to maintain their loving family unit by not just staying in contact with their daughter, but no doubt providing her money and accommodation to battler her state-induced addictions, sought to look after her children after they were cruelly and inexplicably snatched from her by the local liberal council, they are insultingly told that they are too old. Equally absurdly, it was deemed that their inconsequential illnesses - angina and diabetes - meant that, in the jargon of the social services Nazis, they would not be able to provide a 'sufficient level of care' to the innocent brother and sister.

The final staggering blow came when the grandparents were informed that the children are to be put into the care of a vicious, amoral homosexual couple. They are warned in the most terrifying terms that if they object to this arrangement they will never see their grandchildren again, like a Guantanamo Bay prison guard threatening a prisoner.

This is the action of a tyranny in operation, especially the use of children to blackmail their parents and grandparents. People who can do this can do anything. And when it is in the name of protecting the 'rights' of a depraved, unfortunately vocal minority who have enjoyed privelidge after privelidge for hundreds of years, it truly is a sign that the end is nigh.

All thanks to those fucking queerbags.