Brownfall caused by sinister sisterhood conspiracy

A Machiavellian sisterhood of power crazed women is responsible for Gordon Brown's spectacular downfall, it was revealed last night.

As the Prime Minister squirmed at news of the four hundred and eighty-sixth cabinet minister to resign in a week, fat male fingers were pointed at the unholy ring of so-called 'Women Against Gordon', or WAGs, for hounding the beleaguered Scot to what many pundits are calling a point of no return in Labour's meltdown.

Scheming female politicians Jacqui Smith, Hazel Blears, Beverley Hughes, Patricia Hewitt, Caroline Flint, Margaret Hodge and Tessa Jowell stand accused by The Daily Mail of being 'more loyal to each other than their party', orchestrating a series of 'traitorous leaks' and meeting for sexist 'girls only dinner parties' where they would gossip about male MPs and discuss shoes and other silly lady things.

The mysterious 'Daily Mail Reporter' - lett's call him "Quentin" for the sake of convenience - painted a vividly misogynistic picture of 'months of seething rancour and regular WAGs' whingeing sessions over pesto and pasta meals washed down with glasses of chianti', which eventually 'coalesced into something more lethal - a concerted assassination attempt on the Prime Minister.'

It was like 'The Night of the Long Stilettos,' the anonymous journalist added hilariously.

But more than just twisting the kitchen knife in Brown's already bruised frame, the WAGs have done little other than embarrass themselves, 'Quentin' claims: 'The truth is that all they have left is an undignified loyalty to their own careers'. Hazel Blears' departure was 'petulant and graceless', while Harriet Harman (also referred to variously throughout the article as 'Mother Superior' and Harriet Harperson - hahahaha!) conveys an image of 'treachery in high heels'. Wadabitch.

Harman is painted as an 'obsessive busybody social engineer' who helped shape an absurd 'politically correct, pro-women agenda'.

Caroline Flint, the only remotely attractive one out of the lot of them, will probably be the next 'mutineer', predicts 'Quentin' insightfully. He can tell.

Any why are these awful career woman Mandarins so bent on destroying cuddly Mr Brown and the rest of the political patriarchy that we all love and cherish, instead of staying home to care for the kids?

Quentin provides a subtle but telling clue from Harman's past: twenty years ago she co-authored a policy pamphlet described by critics as a 'a staggering attack on men and their role in modern life'.

Just in case you couldn't work that out, he adds: 'The Sisterhood's revenge on [the male] sex has finally scored a direct hit.' Yes. For women in power, it's all about revenge and undermining poor old men.

See also: UK women politicians not up to scratch, says bookish nerd
and: Polly Toynbee: Another bladdy scheming woman out to get our men

Actually, we've changed our minds now

January 2009: Hurrah for the Teen Queen UK beauty pageant!
Hunchback girl validated by sexist competition

May 2009: Teen Queen UK beauty pageant? Sick, sick, sick. Ban it now.
Sexist competition 'a shop window' for paedos

Silly Blonde Sues Evil Corporation

Here at Quailcliffe House, we have little time for ingrates suing their employers just because they are too sensitive to cope with a little bit of light hearted racism or hilarious sexual harassment jiggery-pokery.

Equally, however, we also whole-heartedly condemn the corrupt state owned broadcaster known as the BBC, purveyor of smut, peddlar of immorality, and shower of violent soap operas that it is.

So today's revelation that BBC TV and radio filth pimp Tessa Dunlop - presenter of such vile and distasteful programming as 'History Hunters with Bill Oddie' and BBC Radio London's 'The Late Show' - has launched a sexual discrimination claim against the Ministry of Truth Beeb, vexes us greatly.

On the one hand, there is little doubt that taking umbridge at being fired two weeks after giving birth to your child is beyond reason. Mothers should be legally obliged to surrender their lives to the good of the family the instant an infant squeezes its way out of the womb, into the terrifying, multicultural fog that hangs over New Labour's Britain like a great cloud of inclusive misery, eroding traditional values, rewarding terrorists and weakening the gene pool. A woman who tries to work after selfishly flooding herself with hormones during the 9 month gestation period is about as useful as a loincloth on a killer whale.

On the other, it is a well established fact that the BBC is one of the most harmful forces in Britain today and must be stopped before it can achieve its ultimate goal of creating a godless, tolerant country of slavish dedication to the Stalinist regime commanded by Overlord Brown and his team of spin-doctors. Therefore, any legal action against the bloated, irresponsible propaganda machine is to be encouraged.

But how are we to support a vituous financial and moral assault on a beast as wicked as Auntie, while simultaneously decrying the actions of a feckless blonde woman who lacked the common sense to wait until she had retired to have children?

If this Jezebel had been an employee of our fine newspaper, she would have been swiftly ejected from her position as soon as anyone noted even the merest suggestion of a bump beneath her blouse. You can't chase exclusives with some young libertine running around throwing up all over the newsroom.

But that is not to say the BBC took the correct course of action. They behaved recklessly and deserve to be punished for hiring such a weak, untrustworthy person in the first place, and for making us pay a licence fee.

However, Miss Dunlop is wrong to claim 'sex discrimination', because there is no such thing. She has no right to claim compensation, being a woman and all.

It's awfully confusing. We really don't know how to handle this one, and unfortunately Media Watch don't work Sundays so they can't tell us what to think. If any readers have any insights, please arrange for them to be telegrammed to use before tea time.

'Political Correctness one of the most Repulsive Things Ever Invented' says Council Man

Jobsworths at the Ebernoe Parish council in West Sussex want to ban men from walking the local streets, thanks to an offical edict decreeing that the male gender is 'too un-PC'.

The sleepy Sussex village has existed peacefully for thousands of years near Chichester, where proud British King Cogidubnus once resisted Roman invasion in the name of England. Certainly, he would have not been able to do so without the help of his great and civilised army, comprised primarily of men, along with an armed cohort of friendly male British red squirrels.

But now the unstoppable tide of political correctness has reached even the quiet hamlets of Ebernoe, whose annual Horn Fair attracts millions of followers from the neighbouring towns and villages. Bureaucrats, angered at the little village's 'sexist' and politically incorrect approach to life have sent a seven page dictat to the parish council, instructing them how to speak 'correctly'. Split into almost ten bewildering categories of 'Disability', 'Sexuality', 'Gender', 'Race' and 'Age', the pamphlet bans the use of innocent phrases such as 'Man on the street' and 'Old Codger'. Instead, it decrees, phrases like 'person' and 'elderly people' must be used in case ladies and OAPs are offended.

High ranking parishoner Tony Colpoys described his 'outrage' at being sent the 1984-style propaganda, saying 'This kind of thing really gets my goat - it's not as though anybody in their right mind would believe that the 'man in the street' referred solely to the male sex...It's just stupid - I've never heard anything like it...I think political correctness is one of the most ghastly things about our society - it's one of the most repulsive things ever to be invented.'

Chichester District Council, which was responsible for the Newspeak pamphlet, claimed that it was trying to promote a 'positive' approach to its 'equality policy'. By banning traditional British phrases and words, it hopes to introduce a more inclusive culture into Ebernoe. Critics have warned that the practise could destroy local customs and result in a loss of local pride, and that it is just the latest example of an ever-increasing systemic and insideous process of de-Britainisation designed to marginalise the common man.