Monday 29 September 2008

Opinonion: Multiculturalism has dealt a fatal blow to Britain

"In the name of multiculturalism, Britain has done something terrible to itself. Like a once proud King disowning his child, our nation has downplayed British cultural identity, leaving long-standing inhabitants fearful and new immigrants alienated, creating a vacuum ripe for exploitation by extremists.

Multiculturalism and its allied doctrines of human rights and anti-discrimination are acting as a kind of corrosive acid eating away at our institutions, values and national identity, like rust on an old penny-farthing.

What's more, they are also actively preventing us from defending our own country. Just look what happened when the Army said it wanted to put a 15 per cent cap on the number of recruits it takes from overseas - someone dared mention that this could be interpreted as 'discriminatory'. Madness.

Really, you don't know whether to laugh or cry. Although, surely, given the gravitas of this very article, crying must be the more appropriate reaction. It surely doesn't need to be said that to defend Britain, the armed forces must reflect and share the culture and values of British society - and, obviously, foreigners do reflet or share the culture and values of British society. Why not? Well, they just don't. They weren't even born here.

This is not a matter of treating foreigners less favourably - simply that a country has to be defended by those who are, overwhelmingly, part of it and thus loyal to it. It is because they identify with their country that they are prepared to lay down their lives for it. Immigrants, even legal ones whose families have been here for generations, CLEARLY are still not part of it and therefore are disloyal. Disloyal subjects would never want to lay down their lives for queen and country, even though thousands do every day by signing up for our armed forces. So many, in fact, that some military figures feel it necessary to call for a limit. For the purposes of this essay though, signing up to the army does not mean that a person is loyal to his country. I'm not sure why exactly, but my point is that these foreigners aren't prepared to lay put their lives on the line for Britain, despite the fact that they do just that, in droves.

For sure, there have always been foreign nationals who perform exemplary duty in our armed forces and have made the ultimate sacrifice on our behalf. But if there is no longer a critical mass of soldiers whose first loyalty is to Britain because they are not British, then that sense of a common struggle must dissipate.

Those last two paragraphs were really really difficult to write. They are probably even harder to read and understand. But I'm fairly certain there's an enormously valid point in there somewhere. If you can't understand it, that's because you're a lefty equality zealot.

Anyways, I've gathered myself now so let's attempt to shamble on. It's difficult to write when you're this outraged but you don't really know why. The important thing is that you just are.

The head of the Equality Commission, Trevor Phillips, objects to the Army's proposal on the grounds that it 'raises large issues of principle'. You bet it does: the largest is the principle of citizenship itself, at the very heart of which lies the duty to fight for one's country. It is that principle which the Equality Commission now wishes to destroy, like the Japanese destroyed Pearl Harbour.

On Planet Equality, it seems it is racist to have an Army consisting of Britons committed to defending their own country. That's because multiculturalism holds that no one culture can lay claim to be the custodian of this nation's values. Mass immigration is regarded, instead, as the means to transform this green and pleasant land into the nursery of the brotherhood of man. Pfft, how ridiculous. The brotherhood of man could only ever exist between men of the same ethnicity. That's why it's called a brotherhood; brothers are the same race. Apart from when they're of mixed race parents - but even then they're kind of the same. I think.

As a result, the country is increasingly resembling some kind of mass transit camp, in which fewer and fewer inhabitants have any permanent attachment or identification with Britain. That's why almost two-thirds of all applicants wanting to join the Army in London are now foreign nationals - hence the Army's concern. These two seemingly mutually exclusive statements - that fewer people have an attachment to our country and yet an increasing number wish to fight for that same country, are in fact not mutually exclusive. It makes sense.

This attempt to change the very nature of our country is now also affecting the most fundamental of our institutions. The Government is considering proposals to amend the 307-year-old Act of Settlement because it breaches human rights and sex discrimination law by not allowing a Catholic on the throne and by giving male heirs priority over older sisters. Of course, a law being 307 years old makes it far more respectable thatn normal, New Labour influenced laws. Rather than being outdated, long forgotton and irrelevant, it reflects Britain as it should be - old and traditional.

I could go on; indeed some columnists have. However, I think the point has been made (somewhere). Multiculuralism is a terrible thing and has destroyed British values, even though I have no evidence to support that claim. Some may say that, in fact, I have used evidence that supports the opposite of what I claim. This may be true, but I'm fairly sure it isn't. At the end of the day, the army said they don't want any more foreigners in the forces, and that MUST mean something."

Adapted from an article that orginally appeared HERE:

Saturday 27 September 2008

Obama had no chance; McCain wins debate before it happens

Republican presidential candidate John 'I'm a war veteran' McCain trounced Democrat Barack Obama last night in a critically important televised debate, winning the event before it had even taken place.

Taking inspiration from The Daily Mail's coverage of a convention that had yet to take place, McCain proved his political prowess by travelling to the future to find out who came out on top, before returning to the past to post advertisements on a leading news publication's website declaring his victory. Commentators pointed out that Obama made no such efforts to find out the future result himself, remaining lazily in the present in the hope of winning the debate using outdated methods such as rhetoric and honesty.

Inside sources told The Quail that McCain had almost certainly used the so-called 'McFly' technique to gather information about important political events before they came to pass, demonstrating an aptitude for cutting-edge technologies that belie any liberal claim that the Republican senator is unable to even use his e-mail. The Obama campaign will no doubt be running scared now that their mighty Republican adversary has proven the futility of opposing them; it is thought that in preparation for the next debate, McCain has already listened to what Obama will say and has started planning his responses accordingly.

Friday 26 September 2008

British Identity Cards Are Offensively European

The first alarming images of the new British national identity card were unearthed late last night by The Quail, we can almost exclusively report.

The new ‘proto-totalitarian police state’ cards, as they have become known by some critics, are little more than credit card sized reminders that we Brits have been reduced to mere Europlebs. Adorning the 1984-style pocket spies, which contain personal information such as fingerprints, names and photographs, are countless Euro-centric images and even, contemptibly, the letters EU reprinted thousands of times over.

Instead of a nice, inoffensive Union Jack, Brussels bureaucrats have instead decreed that the cards display the five stars of the official European Union flag above a picture of a bull. The beast represents Jupiter, Greece’s patron god, who took on animal forms to rape countless women – the children of whom grew up to be modern day Greeks.

The red flag above the bull is probably the flag of some other Eurostate from whence immigrants flock to our shores. Matthew Hickley says in a damning report that although ‘the first cards for British citizens [will] feature a slightly different design’ we should still be outraged by this affront to our glorious nation.

Below is how the ID cards SHOULD look, if New Labour respected the wishes of good, hard-working Brits instead of insidious Brussels overlords.

Wednesday 24 September 2008

Primary Schools to Scrap Maths, English and Science

So-called 'Lifestyle' lessons are to replace traditional academic subjects in primary schools, under outrageous plans being drawn up by Labour's chubby Education minister, Ed Balls.

In a hard-hitting report on the situation, Laura Clark reveals that, disturbingly, 'Pupils could even be assessed on their "personal development" as well as the three Rs'. The idea of teachers paying attention to the development and needs of the young students in their care is clearly absurd, and critics have warned that the plans will result in primary school children being seens as 'little adults' with emotions and ambitions just like real people.

The dumbed-down classes would cover such soft and irrelevent topics as healthy eating, ‘self-esteem’, sex and relationships, drugs and philosophy. Meanwhile, there would be little time left for real subjects like history, woodwork and fox hunting.

Tory schools spokesman Nick Gibb rightly lambasted the plans, saying 'This approach was tried in the 1960s and 1970s and failed, and it will fail again. We need primary schools to focus on maths and English and give children an introduction to the history of our country and the geography of the world.'

It goes without saying that these things would be completely and utterly mutually exclusive with lifestyle classes. Sources have warned that if the plans, which appear to be quite concrete at this stage, are introduced, Britain would be left with a generation of children who eat well, have great self-esteem and can recite Nietzsche but who are unable to read, write or maybe even stand up without help from 'lifestyle mentors'.

Sunday 21 September 2008

Calais Rapists are Coming For Your Daughters

Two men who didn't rape a journalism student in a Calais immigration camp, but who probably wanted to, might already be in the UK looking for new victims.

The 31 year old student had travelled to Calais to interview migrants when she was kidnapped and raped last month. The two men in question were arrested on suspicion of the crime shortly afterwards, but subsequently cleared after DNA evidence proved them innocent. However, just because they have been cleared doesn't mean they haven't ever raped anyone else; indeed, the fact that they are of Afghan and Iranian origin makes it all the more likely.

Reporting on the case, Emily Andrews noted that: 'Although it appears one man raped her, police said others may face charges of aiding him, or failing to help the victim, whose screams are said to have been audible throughout her ordeal', meaning that even though the crime was carried out by a lone individual, it would seem reasonable to lay the blame with the entire population of the camp. Many commentators have recommended that we should in fact blame all foreigners, as evidence has shown that they do things differently to British people and are therefore more likely to rape and murder us.

French state prosecutor Philippe Muller said: 'The logical route for [the rapist] to have taken out of France is to England. We are targeting Britain, Belgium and Holland but with people-smuggling contacts he could be as far away as Italy.' Given the fact that all European immigrants come to Britain, thanks to New Labour's notoriously lax border controls, it's a safe bet that he's in England right now. He could even be spying on you from across the street, waiting for the perfect moment to pounce.

Insiders called for an immediate suspension of all public activities and a 2pm curfew to be enforced for under 35 year olds. It is thought that men are at as much risk as women, because immigrant rapists are unable to distinguish male Britons from female, instead forcing themselves on anyone within sight.

Friday 19 September 2008

Met Police bribed by New Labour

Disgraceful evidence has emerged that the Metropolitan police are receiving cash incentives just to turn up to work.

As news of the global economic crisis intensified, insiders revealed that officers involved in 'Operation Overt', Scotland Yard's biggest anti-terror investigation, have shared a £5million bonanza just for working a few extra hours. It is thought that the money will probably be spent by many reckless officers on 'short-selling' schemes, where shares are bought in failing banks. Such irresponsible trading is one of the reasons behind Britain's credit crunch, which has pushed up the cost of living for ordinary white middle-class English folk.

Critics warned that paying Police officers just to do their job would set a dangerous precedent, and could result in some failing to even attend crime scenes or arrest knife-wielding foreigners if they weren't constantly bribed by their employers to do so. One shocking document suggests that some officers are bribed with up to £25, 000 EVERY year.

Tuesday 16 September 2008

The Internet is Full of Lies and Piffle

Sir Tim Berners-Lee, the man who invented the internet, has called for a system to expose hideous left-wing online lies by creating a classification system that will allow surfers to separate fact from fiction.

While the world wide internetwork communication system (the 'internet') has become the medium of choice for people to find things out, its 2million websites are all rife with errors and misinformation, most of it put there deliberately by bureacrats in Brussels.

Another newspaper reports that Sir Tim 'was concerned about the way the internet spread misinformation about the unproven links between the MMR vaccine and autism' and that he 'cited emails and websites that promoted the myth that the latest Cern atom smasher - the Large Hadron Collider - could create black holes capable of gobbling up the earth' as evidence of the need for moderation.

To ram the point home, we present below...


  • The MMR vaccine causes brain damage and epilepsy, as well as autism and bowel disease. Recent studies have confirmed without doubt that this is patently untrue. The doctor behind the autism claims has since been discredited by the medical community and now faces charges of professional misconduct.
  • Failed asylum seekers escape deportation by throwing tantrums. In fact, they did not 'escape' deportation. Deportees who were denied boarding by airlines were transfered to removal centres, to await, unsurprisingly, removal.
  • Police officers involved in a fatal collision with a pedestrian were 'fetching a takeaway' with the police car's siren and blue lights on. Actually, the officers were responding to an armed robbery at a McDonalds in Bromley.
  • Women can work out whether a man will make a good father just by looking at his face. The claim relied on research carried out by scientists at St Andrews University. However, the research actually only found that 'Pregnant women were more attracted to the men who appeared healthier.' A claim was also made that the researchers 'have even come up with the face of the perfect man', whereas in reality all they did was use images of men which were doctored them to make them look ill.
  • The EU makes Kent a part of France. This sensationalist claim implied that Britain was to be carved up by a shadowy body known as Interreg. The truth is that Interreg is a community initiative which aims to stimulate interregional cooperation in Europe. The map was simply to show which regions would be co-operating on common issues such as tourism, health and the environment.

Monday 15 September 2008

Yorkshire Bans Christmas

A college in Yorkshire has banned Christmas this year, and is instead planning a huge bonfire of old festive decorations, around which shamans and hideous goat-demons will dance. Rather than giving presents, families will be forced to sacrifice fluffy animals to pagan deities, stockings will be replaced by gimp suits and instead of mince pies, human flesh will be served wrapped in badger stomachs.

The decision to ban Christmas was made by Yorkshire Coast College in collusion with Ofsted, who both believe the traditional Christian holiday is disgusting and offensive to ethnic minorities. Appropriately named Tory MP Robert Goodwill said in a stunningly original and eloquent statement: 'They [the heathens] are petrified that they offend the minority but what they are doing is offending the majority. It's political correctness gone mad.’

The college, which has been described by critics as ‘The New Oliver Cromwell’, claimed that 'We constantly review the ways in which we communicate, to ensure that we do not discriminate, and part of those reviews means that we have stopped referring to the Christmas Break and Easter Break and we now have End of Term Break.' This statement is clearly little more than unintelligible left-wing nonsense.

The ban follows several other cases of Christmas killing over the past several years, which have resulted in few Britons even being aware that the festival still takes place. Gordon Brown was unavailable to comment on allegations that New Labour is planning to completely replace Christmas with Saturnalia and Easter with Ramadan.

Sunday 14 September 2008

Eating Crisps Will Give You Cancer

Disturbing evidence has been unearthed that crisps are nothing more than a cancer-delivery agent, designed to give anyone eating them the deadly virus. Scientists have warned consumers to add snacks such as Pringles, Hula Hoops, Ryvita and Tesco Ginger Nut biscuits to the 'Do Not Eat' list of carcinogenic foods, which already contains over 100,000 other dangerous products like jelly, sandwiches, coffee and heroin.

The cancer-causing chemical acrylamide forms when when starch-rich foods are fried, baked, grilled or toasted at high temperatures, and it is thought that New Labour has been deliberately frying as many starchy foods as possible in an attempt to kill of voters who might otherwise support the Conservatives. Evidence suggests that over 90% of Tory voters have eaten crisps in the last 12 months.

Despite the Food Standards Agency's conclusion that acrylamide in crips and other starchy 'death foods' should 'not increase concern about the risk to human health' and that 'people do not need to change their diet or alter the way in which they cook their food', critics have warned that the situation is indeed very scary and that things that you might eat every day might kill you and your family. Ignoring the FSA's dangerously irresponsible advise, concerned and socially responsible news publications have been carrying informative warnings in the hope of enlightening the general public to the horrors lurking in everyday foods, waiting to eat your insides.

Thursday 11 September 2008

New Labour Fines Princess Diana £1000

Our contacts at another newspaper have unearthed startling evidence that New Labour is preparing to fine our beloved Princess Di £1000 for having an outdated driving licence.

It emerged recently that photocard driving licences only have a 10 year lifespan, after which they self destruct and the owner is charged £1000 for a new one. Nobody ever knew this because information about the secret expiration date is hidden on the back of driving licences; studies suggest that less than 1% of people ever read the reverse side of any credit card sized object, and thus over 99% of Britons will be hit with an unexpected renewal fee when they are forced to get a new licence. Critics have described the situation as another example of 'politically correct stealth tax gone mad' and have warned that children are likely to suffer as an indirect result somehow.

As the evidence shows, Princess Di now goes under the name 'Christine Robinson' and lives in Cardhampton. She was unavailable for comment at time of press, but it is likely that she was not aware of the fine and finds this kind of left-wing stealth tax appalling.

Monday 8 September 2008

Cheryl Cole was once a child shocker

Reports suggest that Cheryl 'Fittest one in the band' Cole was not always as glamorous and grown up as she is today.

The singer and X-Factor judge's stunning good lucks are little more than the result of twenty-five years worth of aging and some grooming, The Quail has learned. As these shocking photographs reveal, Cole was once a thirteen year old girl, and wasn't as attractive as she is now. Critics are calling the transformation 'an abuse of our fantasies'.

The photgraphs have led some to believe that Cole is in fact human, and therefore susceptible to the same forces of nature as ordinary people. Pioneering research by German Scientist Hans Von Naked suggests that people who might appear unattractive in their younger days, with features such as 'wispy hair, bushy eyebrows and uneven teeth', can often become more eye-catching given as little as a decade's maturation. The process is known as the 'Noshidsherlok' effect.

Sunday 7 September 2008

Fury over Sarah Palin smear campaign

The liberal media was under fire last night over allegations that Vice President Sarah 'pro-gun, pro-life' Palin is the latest victim of a vicious internet smear campaign designed to ruin her credibility as a real lady politician.

The internet, which is run unknown left-wing forces, launched a ferocious attack on the hockey mom, plastering ghastly photographs of Palin in revealing atire on numerous 'websites' which are visible to anyone searching for her name on the worldwide hypertext network. The campaign comes less than two weeks after a similar attack on Hazel Blears by cyber terrorists who 'googlebombed' search engines like AOL and Ask Jeeves to redirect image searches to fake pictures of the cabinet minister made to look like a giant woman. Journalism student Julie Moult was also a recent victim of the technique, after internet demons linked her name to the word 'idiot'. It is still unclear how 'google bombing', or indeed Google, works.

The images depict Palin in a miniskirt and a bikini while holding a rifle and are thought to be cleverly designed to call attention to the fact that she is female and likes guns, both sensitive factors to her position as the third most important Republican in the Former British Colony of West Virginia (or 'USA').

Adding to calls that the internet should be switched off while the offending photographs are removed, Republican Minister of Truth Barbara Brunton shouted: 'There is a dirty tricks campaign being waged against Sarah Palin by the liberal lobby. They have flooded the internet with photographs of when she was a stripper.' It is not known yet how much of a part Barack Obama's propaganda team had to play in the attack, but one inside source told The Quail that 'they might have done it'.

Internet experts recommended that the best course of action is for people to copy the images and post them on their own websites or 'world-wide web blogs' (WWWBs). This would eventually result in search engines treating the images as 'googlebombs' and filtering them from results, limiting the damage caused to Miss Palin's reputation.

Saturday 6 September 2008

Boffins admit that anti-matter machine will explode the world

The entire Earth, including Britain, will be destroyed next Wednesday it emerged yesterday. Inhabitants of the planet have been advised to quit work and make a list of things to do in the remaining four days, although the Labour government has yet to delcare a public holiday.

On Wednesday, the so-called 'Large Hadron Collider' will be switched on by shadowy scientists living in a network of underground tunnels beneath Switzerland and France. The giant particle accelerator has so far cost taxpayers an astonishing £4.4 billion, money which could have been put to better use supporting struggling coal miners in England, or on reducing knife crime somehow. The money will literally go up in smoke, as it has been revealed that results from the particle collisons won't even be visible to the naked eye.

Apart from when the giant science machine explodes the world that is. Despite warnings in the Dan Brown novel Angels & Demons, which sees the Large Hadron Collider produce anti-matter used to blow up the Vatican, reckless scientists are determined to switch the accelerator on anyway, dubbed 'Death Star III' by critics. Now, rational sources are claiming that the 'LHC' will bring about the apocalypse within days, by creating 'showers of black holes'. Respected science journalist Fiona Macrae details in a devastating report how the death machine 'will create a black hole that could swallow the planet'. Although her otherwise brilliant and well-researched article does not provide precise details of how this could happen, Michael Hanlon explains for us that 'The fabric of the planet itself would start to disappear, trillions of tonnes of rock, water, air and life sucked into a whirlpool of unimaginable force.'

But the vivid and terrifying description is not enough to persuade the lunatic scientists from turning on 'Death Star III' shortly before lunch-time on the 10th of September, a date that will go down in history as The Last Day in History.

James Gillies, spokesman for the League of Evil's Scientific Megadeath divison (CERN), said facetiously: 'The Large Hadron Collider will not be producing anything that does not happen routinely in nature due to cosmic rays. If they were dangerous we would know about it already.' It is thought that his lies are due to exposure to dangerous quasi atomic hyper rays given off by the experiment, which, it is postulated, have the power to turn a perfectly normal man's mind from good to the purest evil, making the victim want nothing less than the destruction of humanity as we know it. Tez, from Manchester, expressed his concerns, saying: 'How dare these people take a risk with everyones life just for the sake of science, I say no to the generator'

Tuesday 2 September 2008

Mail Journalist Owns Quail Journalist Shocker

Bastion of truth, The Daily Mail, has published an article about George Steiner's comments on race and intolerance that one liberal 'weblogger' found too difficult to criticise in his usual manner.

The left-wing online website writer, who may or may not be a communist, was left 'reeling' after reading the article, written by Max Hastings. His usual ill-informed and misdirected rantings were forced to be suspended after the Man from The Mail (metaphorically) picked him up, twirled him around and drop-kicked him into a searing pit of left-wing sewage, before shouting 'Satirise this, bastard!' into his smug over-sized liberal ear. The blogger's reaction to these events are recorded on this html internet site:

The Telegraph, however, was not quite as successful in rising above the 'blogger's' usual criticism, being called 'vile and mind-buggeringly stupid' over its coverage of the same subject.