Mr @Arseburgers responds to the Telegraph

The Quail believes strongly in right to reply. Guy Walters' focus on one or two Twitterers in his article, 'Jan Moir unfairly vilified by Twitter mob' without first asking them for comment is therefore uncool. Here, Arseburgers, one of those named by Walters, gives his considered response.

A couple of weeks ago it was pointed out to me by a few Twitter users that I had one of my tweets edited and quoted by Guy Walters in a Telegraph article. In it, he discusses a piece by Jan Moiron of The Daily Fail in which she accuses some 'celebs' of being less than genuine in their condolences [to other celebrities suffering grief or loss] and best wishes in the tragic events of another celebrity's life! the reason? because they had the audacity to use twitter to offer their thoughts and said condolences!

Apparently the 'twitter mob' was led by Lord Alan Sugar! news to me as not only have I not been made a member of his 'mob', I didn't follow him until after the event, only because Walters (or The chinless c*nt that I always call men called Guy, mainly cos they always drive TVR's and think their jumpers are scarves?) made me aware that Sugar may have a mob I might like to apply to be a member of.

Now here's a thing, my attempt to comment in an offensive way on Moiron's article was a completely original thought, so there Walters, do some fucking research, you can even call me ifya like, i'll let you know if I was inspired by anyone else. Regular followers know that I often post my number when I'm pissed, usually at about 3am.

Now, here's something that bothers me, young Guyster the chinless shows his absolute lack of understanding with regards twitter when like a spoilt little twat, probably called something like Guy quotes this in his article regarding The 'Godfather' of the 'mob' to which I aspire to become a member, who he believes Sugar to be: (Strangely, Lord Sugar does not mention that Moir's piece refers to his tweets as "illiterate". She's right, I follow him, and they are. You can tell Sugar made a real effort with his Moir tweet, but look at that comma after condolences! Whoops!) Now, what immediately springs to mind is, what a total and utter c*nt! did that fuckwit just critisise the punctuation in what was pretty assuredly a genuine display of condolence? Surely fucking not! Hang on a mo, i'll just check; Yup, he did. I think I need to lie down.

Walters the chinless, in his article sarcastically refers to me after writing my tweet that he edited as 'A pleasant chap called Arseburgers'. Now, as you all know, on occasion that can be true, ergo the sarcasm was uncalled for and frankly not to witty. More often than not, I'm either bland, excited, boring or bored, unpleasant and often downright fucking rude, atleast I certainly hope that's how I come accross.

The irony of the existence of Moirons article re the use of twitter in a way she does not approve leads to the irony of the existence of the great Chinlesses's' (how the fuck should I know where the comma goes, and frankly, do I give a fuck?) article leads to the only article made up of more than 140 characters that is not ironic. This article is about Journiots (see what i've done there, eh, eh, eh?, chinless called us tweeters 'twidiots'! I was so fucking impressed by his wit I adapted it!) Fucking clever eh!

In conclusion, every one that follows me on twitter for more than an hour will be aware that I have an opinion on everything from nuclear physics, micro biology, brain surgery and the lower leg hairs of the Peruvian caterpiller, shit! i've even been known to comment on stuff i'm not an authority on, such as beer and telly. So here's my point Walters the chinless and Moiron, know this, there are in my opinion two rules to the use of twitter, rule 1: 140 characters or less. Rule 2: with some character please.

Best regards (he started the sarcasm)
Arseburgers

Tara Hamilton-Miller: Beyond parody

Some choice slivers from Tara Hamilton-Miller's achingly hip article 'How cool are David Cameron's Conservatives?' in the painfully trendy Telegraph:

For them [generation X Tories], David Cameron choosing to be interviewed in the fashion magazine Grazia and Boris Johnson appearing on the front of a London Fashion Week special issue of Elle magazine embody all that is fresh and forward-thinking about their party.

 ...

shadow home secretary David Davis – rugged, straight out of The Eagle comic – was seen as a dead cert to take the crown. Then David Cameron delivered his no-notes, “this is me” speech and a packed Empress Ballroom was left confused: all of a sudden there was another contender, and he was rather impressive.

...

One shadow minister says: “We’re not cool, we’re needed.” The Tories understand they are well placed to appeal to families and to re-engage with women.

...

The Tories are keen to bring lost creative souls into the fold. Many are interested: lots of men with irregular shaving patterns and statement spectacles are definitely sniffing around...Tony Hadley, lead singer of Spandau Ballet, is a Conservative.

A Tory spokesman said: 'Word, dude.'

Expenses 'mole' not exactly a beacon of moral guidance

The man who exposed MPs as thieving, treacherous scumbags is himself a thieving, treacherous scumbag, we can almost exclusively reveal.

Former SAS swashbuckler John Wick, who counts a number of Tory grandees amongst his closest circle of money grabbing chums, initially attempted to sell a stolen data disk containing expenses details of 650 MPs to a number of newspapers for a reported £300,000.

But Wick was burned when thieving, treacherous scumbags at The Daily Express, with whom he had agreed a £10,000 payment in exchange for Jacqui Smith's expenses information, refused to pay up in the knowledge that he wouldn't have a leg to stand on if he pursued the payment in court. It is thought he had approached the newspaper with a contract written in crayon on the back of a fag packet.

The twice-married 60 year old - pictured right carrying a bag full of dirty laundry - eventually sold the entire list of thieving MP scumbags to the fine, upstanding men at The Daily Telegraph for the knock-down price of £100,000, or £153 per scoundrel. He says he 'was motivated by a sense of public duty'; the Telegraph says it was also acting in the public interest by publishing expenses in a deliciously teasing day-by-day circulation-bolstering scumfest.

However, Wick has left a slimy trail of failed businesses and unpaid taxes on the road to his reinvention as dutiful public crusader - his 16 failed companies have amassed an expense-busting £7m of debt and left scores of ex-associates out of pocket. Two former army colleagues unfortunate enough to enter into partnership with him have together had almost £150,000 scumbagged off them thanks to Wick's commercial failings.

His rubbish business sense and taste for setting up hopeless new ventures has earned him a reputation for 'phoenixing' - the term for businesses that collapse only to be started up afresh with new names shortly afterwards. Debts Wick has left in his cash-haemorrhaging wake include an outrageous £34.56 owed to his milkman and a sexy £35 unpaid to the Shangri-La guest house in Whitley Bay. Sources claim he is 'pathologically incapable of saving money', and is regularly seen lighting Cuban cigars with £50 notes.

Nadine Dorries: Yeah but no but yeah but no, we wuz forced to do it

Poor defenceless MPs who have done nothing other than rob taxpayers' of millions of pounds through spurious expense claims are victims of 'McCarthyite witch hunts', and not thieving bastards as previously assumed, popular Tory backbencher Nadine Dorries said today.

The anti-choice, pro-war MP for Mid-Bedfordshire also revealed that ministers had only made claims for expenses such as moat-cleaning and non-existant mortgages because bigger boys at the parliamentary Fee's Office told them to do it. Journalists and the BBC are also to blame, Dorries added, because...er, well you know - um, they...maybe...look, they just are ok?

The Daily Telegraph's continuing expose of excessive expense claims has created an 'atmosphere in Westminster that is unbearable' for long-suffering, underpaid and underappreciated members of Parliament, she said, warning that the newspaper's method of 'picking off a few MPs each day...is amounting to a form of torture and may have serious consequences'. Dorries added that some ministers were concerned there could even be 'a suicide', to which the general public replied: 'Meh'.

The United Nations Human Rights Commission said it had not received any complaints so far regarding inhumane treatment of MPs.

Dorries's latest bizarre incursion into the realms of incoherence and illogicality follows her revelation yesterday that billionaire shape shifting reptiles from Uranus secretly control The Telegraph's editorial direction and the McCarthyite witch hunts are designed to place a rag-tag collection of 'racists, fantasists and has-been celebrities' in Parliament, in the hope of declaring war on Europe after the next general election or something like that.

Responding to reports that David Cameron was forced to 'slap' Nadine about the head for being a 'whackjob', Dorries said on her faux blog that doesn't allow linking to individual posts: 'LoL yeah like whatevs, he so never done that or nothing, The Telegraph's telling porkies innit. Now shut up, I'm off to South Africa while this shitstorm I created blows over, laters dorkz.'

Mail Journalist Owns Quail Journalist Shocker

Bastion of truth, The Daily Mail, has published an article about George Steiner's comments on race and intolerance that one liberal 'weblogger' found too difficult to criticise in his usual manner.

The left-wing online website writer, who may or may not be a communist, was left 'reeling' after reading the article, written by Max Hastings. His usual ill-informed and misdirected rantings were forced to be suspended after the Man from The Mail (metaphorically) picked him up, twirled him around and drop-kicked him into a searing pit of left-wing sewage, before shouting 'Satirise this, bastard!' into his smug over-sized liberal ear. The blogger's reaction to these events are recorded on this html internet site: http://procrastobog.blogspot.com/2008/09/george-steiner-is-difficult-to-satire.html

The Telegraph, however, was not quite as successful in rising above the 'blogger's' usual criticism, being called 'vile and mind-buggeringly stupid' over its coverage of the same subject.