Friday 29 May 2009

Woman who wasn't at home giving birth to children and preparing dinner molests young boy

That's right - not only is this monster female, she's a woman too.

Ugh. No wonder it happened, they're all the same aren't they?

A local man said: 'They have woman Religious Education teachers these days? Well that's just asking for trouble - obviously these trendy modern schools haven't read Genesis. It's gender equality gone beserk.'

Thursday 28 May 2009

David Cameron: Just like you, but better

In a moving interview, Britain's next Prime Minister has revealed the toll that being the country's top Tory has taken on his personal life and mental faculties.

Discussing his 'common man' credentials with The Times, David Cameron seemed flustered and confused, pausing for long periods to imagine what being worth less than £30m might feel like.

Asked how many properties he owns, he replied assuredly: 'I own a house in North Kensington...and my house in the constituency in Oxfordshire and that is, as far as I know, all I have.'

Pushed to discuss a house in Cornwall, Cameron went on to bluster: 'No, that is, Samantha used to have a timeshare in South Devon but she doesn’t any more,' and asked to confirm that he didn't own a fourth house as well he replied decisively: 'I don’t think so – not that I can think of.'

Talking to The Quail from his ivory tower, the former Bullingdon Club member said: 'On the whole, I think that went well; having admired John McCain's interview technique during his presedential campaign, I thought I'd take a leaf out of his book on the property thing. It's a sure fire recipe for success.'

Wednesday 27 May 2009

Conquisting over here, taking our bancos

Abbey National, Alliance & Leicester and Bradford & Bingley are to be renamed Los tres Bancos Rotos by Spanish banking giant Santander, it emerged today.

The move, described as a 'takeover of the highstreet' by wingnuts, marks the end of a glorious era of British banking and a further erosion of traditional high-street names by Johnny Foreigners buying out once proud English institutions to rebrand with silly exotic names. We haven't got any other examples of this, but we're fairly sure it's happening.

Around 1,900 jobs have already gone since Santander acquired the three banks, as efforts to combine them have led to redundancies of British staff untrained in bull fighting and sangria making.

A sombrero wearing manager said: 'Eh heh heh, thees estúpido Engleesh don'know how to run they bancos properly, eh? So we take a them away and name them after beeg ceeties of our contree, haha!'

Santander has expanded aggressively in the UK over the past five years, exploiting the banking crisis as an opportunity to mercilessly buy up struggling British rivals.

The rebrand has led some commentators to call for the complete end of capitalism in a 'back to basics' approach that would see goods and services exchanged through a barter system last seen in the good old days of prehistory:

Actually, we've changed our minds now

January 2009: Hurrah for the Teen Queen UK beauty pageant!
Hunchback girl validated by sexist competition

May 2009: Teen Queen UK beauty pageant? Sick, sick, sick. Ban it now.
Sexist competition 'a shop window' for paedos

Tuesday 26 May 2009

Who needs truth when you have an agenda?

Unscrupulous lawyers have again forced Britain's third favourite newspaper to pay out tens of thousands of pounds in damages to amoral nogoodniks for alleged "false, defamatory and deeply offensive allegations" and hurt feelings.

The latest judgement against The Daily Mail was meted out after the 'victims' - three career women cynically earning more from their high-flying jobs than most men - claimed that an article published on November 5th last year was inaccurate in stating that they chose to adopt children instead of giving birth just to avoid jeopardising their careers and attractive, svelte figures.

The offending article, which has been removed from the Mail's online internet webpage, was headlined: 'For most women, giving birth is the most fulfilling event in their lives. But some are so afraid of missing out on their careers and losing their figures they refuse to go through pregnancy and choose adoption instead. Practical, or just plain selfish?'

The piece concluded that the made-up situation is, of course, 'just plain selfish' and that women who dare go to work after having children are latter-day Jezebels too arrogant to realise their proper place is in the home (specifically the kitchen, or the bedroom on Friday nights) Adoption, it said, presented a practical way for work obsessed females to continue earning while having a child around so they could chat with colleagues about private nurseries and size 1 designer shoes.

But despite invaluable coverage in a respected national newspaper, the women - Edwina Langley, Lisa Beard-Rogers and Thema Davis - were not satisfied with the article's contents.

Mrs Davis claimed that the Mail had neglected to add that she was in fact unable to conceive naturally and so adoption was the only available option, Mrs Beard-Rogers said that, contrary to the article's assertions, she was in fact considering a natural birth, and Mrs Langley claimed to have been misrepresented and, in fact, wished to adopt as she was not in a relationship and because she wanted to give a stable, loving home to an underprivileged child that might otherwise spend countless years in care.

A source said: 'Look, the details aren't important, it's the bigger issue that matters. And that issue is that women should have children the old fashioned way and stay at home. I don't know why people get so wound up with boring, pointless facts.'

After complaining to the Press Complaints Commission, the three women accepted a £30,000 payout from the Mail. The newspaper defended its honour by revealing that 'offending elements' of the piece had been added by 'an unnamed executive who controlled a rewrite of the story...rather than the journalists who interviewed the women', which makes it ok because it was bigger boys who did it not innocent Mail journalists who would never dream of making mean things up about women.

Paul Dacre said: 'Well, boys will be boys. I can't control every tiny little thing that gets written.'

The unsavoury incident follows a number of other high profile cases where women have claimed compensation for frivolous grievances that they brought upon themselves anyway: in February a blonde TV presenter sued the BBC after being fired two weeks after giving birth, and only a month before, a married Muslim woman took her employer to court for some light-hearted office banter and racist innuendo.

A local man said: 'Cuh. These women should know their limits.'

Sunday 24 May 2009

Expenses 'mole' not exactly a beacon of moral guidance

The man who exposed MPs as thieving, treacherous scumbags is himself a thieving, treacherous scumbag, we can almost exclusively reveal.

Former SAS swashbuckler John Wick, who counts a number of Tory grandees amongst his closest circle of money grabbing chums, initially attempted to sell a stolen data disk containing expenses details of 650 MPs to a number of newspapers for a reported £300,000.

But Wick was burned when thieving, treacherous scumbags at The Daily Express, with whom he had agreed a £10,000 payment in exchange for Jacqui Smith's expenses information, refused to pay up in the knowledge that he wouldn't have a leg to stand on if he pursued the payment in court. It is thought he had approached the newspaper with a contract written in crayon on the back of a fag packet.

The twice-married 60 year old - pictured right carrying a bag full of dirty laundry - eventually sold the entire list of thieving MP scumbags to the fine, upstanding men at The Daily Telegraph for the knock-down price of £100,000, or £153 per scoundrel. He says he 'was motivated by a sense of public duty'; the Telegraph says it was also acting in the public interest by publishing expenses in a deliciously teasing day-by-day circulation-bolstering scumfest.

However, Wick has left a slimy trail of failed businesses and unpaid taxes on the road to his reinvention as dutiful public crusader - his 16 failed companies have amassed an expense-busting £7m of debt and left scores of ex-associates out of pocket. Two former army colleagues unfortunate enough to enter into partnership with him have together had almost £150,000 scumbagged off them thanks to Wick's commercial failings.

His rubbish business sense and taste for setting up hopeless new ventures has earned him a reputation for 'phoenixing' - the term for businesses that collapse only to be started up afresh with new names shortly afterwards. Debts Wick has left in his cash-haemorrhaging wake include an outrageous £34.56 owed to his milkman and a sexy £35 unpaid to the Shangri-La guest house in Whitley Bay. Sources claim he is 'pathologically incapable of saving money', and is regularly seen lighting Cuban cigars with £50 notes.

Saturday 23 May 2009

Disgusting shame of woman whose eight children died

Mandy Allwood, the woman whose eight babies died in front of a million tabloid journalists 13 years ago, is now a disgraceful mess, The Daily Mail revealed today.

David Wilkes, author of numerous animal related fuzz stories, unsympathetically told how Ms Allwood has 'hit a new low' by 'looking utterly miserable in a police mugshot...her sad, sunken eyes star[ing] out blankly, the bags beneath them deep and dark.'

She lost her octuplets within hours of giving birth after an agonising 72 hour labour in 1996. Since then Ms Allwood has battled with alcoholism in an attempt to 'blot out' the tragedy.

Now 43, she has been issued with an ASBO for playing loud music at her home in Warwick, and is said to have 'intimidated' customers by asking them to buy alcohol for her in a shop she had already been banned from.

What a wretch, eh?

In January, The Mail reminded readers that Ms Allwood's name should remain one to 'inspire everything from reproach to pity', despite having been out of the public eye for over a decade. An insider explained: 'When that American octomom had her kids we needed our own version - to sell more papers, you see. So we wheeled her out for public judgement all over again. There's nothing distasteful or exploitative about it at all.'

In spite of The Mail's ongoing fascination with her, Ms Allwood was, it was suggested, 'the architect of her own unhappiness' for taking the fertility drugs that resulted in her multiple pregnancy, and her decision not to undertake the risky procedure of terminating some of her unborn babies was believed by many Mail reporters to be based 'less [on] altruism than [on] self-interest.'

Friday 22 May 2009

Nadine Dorries: Yeah but no but yeah but no, we wuz forced to do it

Poor defenceless MPs who have done nothing other than rob taxpayers' of millions of pounds through spurious expense claims are victims of 'McCarthyite witch hunts', and not thieving bastards as previously assumed, popular Tory backbencher Nadine Dorries said today.

The anti-choice, pro-war MP for Mid-Bedfordshire also revealed that ministers had only made claims for expenses such as moat-cleaning and non-existant mortgages because bigger boys at the parliamentary Fee's Office told them to do it. Journalists and the BBC are also to blame, Dorries added,, well you know - um, they...maybe...look, they just are ok?

The Daily Telegraph's continuing expose of excessive expense claims has created an 'atmosphere in Westminster that is unbearable' for long-suffering, underpaid and underappreciated members of Parliament, she said, warning that the newspaper's method of '
picking off a few MPs each amounting to a form of torture and may have serious consequences'. Dorries added that some ministers were concerned there could even be 'a suicide', to which the general public replied: 'Meh'.

The United Nations Human Rights Commission said it had not received any complaints so far regarding inhumane treatment of MPs.

Dorries's latest bizarre incursion into the realms of incoherence and illogicality follows her revelation yesterday that billionaire shape shifting reptiles from Uranus secretly control The Telegraph's editorial direction and the McCarthyite witch hunts are designed to place a rag-tag collection of 'racists, fantasists and has-been celebrities' in Parliament, in the hope of declaring war on Europe after the next general election or something like that.

Responding to reports that David Cameron was forced to 'slap' Nadine about the head for being a 'whackjob', Dorries said on her faux blog that doesn't allow linking to individual posts: 'LoL yeah like whatevs, he so never done that or nothing, The Telegraph's telling porkies innit. Now shut up, I'm off to South Africa while this shitstorm I created blows over, laters dorkz.'

Thursday 21 May 2009

Immigrant babies to take over UK by end of the century, study warns

A terrifying number of babies were spawned by immigrant mothers residing in Britain last year, chilling new figures have shown.

Statistics from the Office for National Statistics revealed that in 2008 24% of births - nearly a third - were to non-British women from far-off lands where they do things differently to us.

The enormous 1% year-on-year rise in the percentage of foreigners popping out little immigrant children has been blamed for pushing the overall UK birth rate to a 36 year high; 708,708 live births were recorded last year, the seventh consecutive annual increase since 2001 and the highest since 1972, when 725,440 career-ending mistakes were born.

The catostrophic increase in immigrant birth rates has led to fears that non-foreign babies may outnumber nice English scamps by 2085. If the current yearly percentage increase in births to mothers not of British origin were to continue, 100% of babies would be foreigners within 76 years.

Inexplicably, Migrationwatch has not as yet commented on the statistics.

See also: Multicoloured infants invade Britain

Monday 18 May 2009

Miley Cyrus: Mmm, isn't it?

The Daily Mail today revealed that 16 year old twinkle eyed pop starlet Miley Cyrus wore a delectably small 'mix and match' bikini on a beach in the Bahamas.

Cyrus, star of groundbreaking coming of age teen angst flick 'The Unbearable Lightness of Being Hannah Montana', 'looked every inch the Hollywood star' according to a breathless report from sweaty, middle-aged, whiskey-sodden 'Daily Mail Reporter'.

At one point she was even 'spotted climbing on an inflatable banana boat for a high speed thrill', he added lecherously. Mmmm, ooooooh yeah, a banana.

Cyrus's sensual sandy frolicks follow a 'frenzy' earlier this month when she arrived in Leicester Square wearing a really short skirt that 'showed off her long legs', according to Daily Mail Reporter, who had been watching from a tree-top perch with a pair of binoculars and a fake moustache.

And back in April, the teen queen 'flashed some leg and back in a revealing evening dress' which made her 'look all grown up'.

'Mmmm, grown up, yeah she looks grown up enough for me, huh huh huh', added Daily Mail Reporter, stroking his thighs.

But just over a year ago, Daily Mail Reporter was outraged by a disgusting Vanity Fair photoshoot in which the then 15 year old posed topless. Legendary photographer Annie Leibovitz 'caused massive controversy' by snapping Ms Cyrus's naked back as she clutched a silk sheet to her chest. Fortunately, The Daily Mail published the offending pictures so readers could appreciate what they should be so angry at.

The same article also told how Miley had apologised for a separate set of sick pictures which had appeared on the Internet showing her with 'a bare midriff [and] revealing a green bra.'

A Daily Mail insider said: 'Imagine printing revealing photographs of such a young girl. It's disgraceful, showing her exposing her bare midriff and a bra. We would never do that - unless she was a few months older of course.'

See also: Mail website destroys another middle-class marriage

Sunday 17 May 2009

Femail Special: Liz Jones, digested

Shorter Liz Jones:

"I own 46 acres of land in Exmoor, drive a BMW but can still afford to buy a Toyota SUV to drive my horsies around in, and I shop for wardrobes in upmarket Chelsea furniture boutiques. I'm really quite well off don't you know.

But I still can't write a column that makes any sense."

Unabridged version here.

Thursday 14 May 2009

Gay adoption fascists call Daily Mail readers 'retards'

The British Association for Adoption and Fostering are 'Nazis' for encouraging gay people to adopt, The Daily Mail said yesterday.

The tasteless attack by Steve Doughty, who also hates foreign people, came after the BAAF branded The Mail and other gay parenting critics 'retarded homophobes', despite the mountain of evidence suggesting that gay parents are really bad and probably just paedophiles looking for easy targets.

In 2006, gay foster parents Craig Faunch and Ian Wathey were jailed for paedophile offences against boys at their home in Pontefract, West Yorkshire.

And earlier this year a fierce controversy was manufactured by the tabloids when a Scottish couple said they were warned they would never see their two grandchildren again unless they dropped their opposition to them being adopted by a gay couple. Two gays subsequently stole their children.

The 'retarded homophobes' tirade was published in the BAAF's Pink Guide to Adoption for Lesbians and Gay Men, written by Nicola Hill - an ex writer for the left-wing, homosexual-loving, sandal-wearing, tea tree oil drinking Guardian newspaper.

But the remark angered journalists at The Mail, which campaigns tirelessly for politically correct language to be upheld at all times.

Some gay sympathisers suggested that The Mail's 'Nazi' slur was in fact worse than the original 'retard' insult, and that the newspaper was guilty of presenting an extraordinarily biased opinion on the gay parenting debate.

Author Patricia Morgan, who has published a study of gay adoption, said: 'It is disgraceful that they do not wish to discuss the pros and cons of gay adoption. They just go in for abuse. They do not appear interested in evidence about the outcomes for children. And it is a disgusting phrase to use.'

Wednesday 13 May 2009

BBC lets Muslims dictate religious broadcasting

Fears that the BBC is to become little more than a 24 hour Salaat service were mounting today, after the state funded broadcaster appointed a Muslim as its new head of religious programming.

The appointment of bearded Aaqil Ahmed comes at a time of deepening worries among Christian leaders that their faith is being sidelined and downgraded by brown people.

Last year the BBC gave the job of producing its most popular and longrunning religious programme, Songs of Praise, to a Sikh, Tommy Nagra. Although we don't watch Songs of Praise, we are willing to bet that traditional English Christian verse has been replaced with Bollywood style love songs and choir boys are forced to dance around turbans.

Mr Ahmed is currently senior executive for religious programmes at liberal broadcaster of soft-core pornography Channel 4. He has commissioned series on the history of Christianity and the Koran - the Muslim book of jihad and halal.

Critics have accused him of dumbing down religion in his post at C4. In one programme an assessment of the state of Christianity was presented by Cherie Blair.

Mr Ahmed is a trustee of the Runnymede Trust, a body that has championed the pernicious ideology of multiculturalism.

The Church of England points out that 70 per cent of the population of Britain professes to be Christian, while only 3 per cent are Muslims.

Sallow eyed columnist Stephen Glover said: 'The BBC does not like God, unless perhaps it be a Muslim, Hindu or Sikh version.'

He added that the appointment of Mr Ahmed was evidence that 'the Corporation has been increasingly pursuing what can only be, at best, described as a non-Christian agenda and, at worst, as an anti-Christian one' for allowing people who don't believe in Yahweh to be on TV.

Monday 11 May 2009

Muslim race claim chef refused to make traditional English food

Yet another Muslim has launched a discrimination claim against his employer for asking him to do something perfectly normal that no ordinary English person would object to - probably just to offend YOU.

Money grabbing Hasanali Khoja, 60, claims that being asked to cook sausages at his job with the Metropolitan Police amounted to 'religious discrimination' - because Islam 'forbids' its adherents from handling pork.

But when bosses at the West London station where Mr Khoja worked offered to let him wear gloves and use tongs while preparing traditional '999 breakfasts', he refused, alleging that he still wouldn't be protected from splashes of fat.

'The reason for this refusal is because of the fact it is well known that if you are cooking bacon or sausages, which I was asked to do, I was exposed to splash and contact with pork which I object to. Gloves and tongs would not make any difference', he whined.

Mr Khoja also says he was greeted with derogatory gestures and face pulling when he raised concerns over the handling of pork, and no attempt was made by human resources managers to find a resolution to the situation. He had previously been assured during an interview for his post that he would not be required to cook bacon or sausages.

The story was originally reported in virtually identical form over 6 months ago, leading commenters dumbfounded that somebody could stick to their absurd religious 'beliefs' so annoyingly:

Respected columnist Richard Littlejohn agreed, asking: 'Whoever heard of a chef being excused pork?' before adding hilariously: 'Naturally, [Khoja] now wants a large sum of money by way of com-pen-say-shun'.

It remains unclear why Littlejohn is unable to write words containing more than four syllables without spelling them phonetically. A sauce said: 'He really is just that thick'.

Guardian special: The internet will destroy us all

Email provides no benefits, only 'impotence, disease [and] frustration' according to one embittered ex newspaper editor driven to distraction by the disturbingly fast moving world of anything that uses electricity.

As for the world wide web, far from providing the singularly most powerful medium known to man for creating, digesting and disseminating information, all it does is provide an orgy of 'porn and paedophilia', 'giant helpings of fear and disgust on demand', 'terrorism' and 'the end of civilised life as we know it', no less.

To anyone thinking the web is the most incredible research tool we have, a conduit for distant friends and family to connect and share experiences otherwise out of reach, or a landscape in which a multitude of often brilliant voices that might otherwise exist unheard can make themselves known to a potential audience of millions, well, they're wrong.

Indeed, 'we aren't better for grisly YouTube grimaces from Downing Street, or Obama twittering away when he could be thinking', we are hobbled by our slavery to the internet. Brown's YouTube video and Obama's now tweetless Twitter account prove it, representing the net in its entirety as they do.

One need only look at the scandals embroiling New Labour over the last two months for an irrefutable example of just how dangerous email and the web are to human morality: 'Before there was email, there was no Damian McBride hawking his poison from screen to screen', and, to be certain, Brown's spin doctor would never have been able to spread his bile without electronic letters. It is not he who is to blame, but the medium through which he plies his slander and deception.

Of course, the internet is a threat to humanity not only because of its ability to simplify, enable and accerlerate communication to the degree that life becomes nothing more than 'a deluge of puerile twitters and bilious blogs' and 'Susan Boyle videos by the zillion', but also because of the gigantic contribution it makes to global warming. It has been estimated that 17 polar bears die for every RSS feed subscribed to, and let's not even mention the well documented connection between penguin starvation and MSN Messenger conversations.

Yes, 'let's acknowledge, in the words of one highly experienced pro­cessor designer, that there is indeed "a possibility of computer equipment power consumption spiralling out of control [that] could have serious consequences for the overall affordability of computing, not to mention the overall health of the planet."' Forget about cutting corporate emissions, ignore industrial deforestation, don't give a second thought to renewable energy sources, for so long as we have Google, we are surely doomed.

'This is the way the world really ends: not with a bang, but with surges of nausea amid mounting heat, rising seas and carbon despair', all brought about by that scourge of modern newspapers living, the internet.

We have become hollow men, love, hope, ecstacy, the entire panoply of human experience replaced by lolcats, Flash animations and mindless monologues delivered in 140 characters of digital misery.

'Can mankind somehow be saved? Well, we could always switch the damned computer off.'

Friday 8 May 2009

Telegraph buys stolen personal data

Bastion of conservative values and defender of British citizens' right to privacy The Telegraph has paid up to £300,000 for 650 cleaning bills.

The stolen data disk which held the bills along with various other expense claims made by money grabbing MPs for such frivolities as ivory toilet seats and new boilers had originally been offered to less reputable tabloid newspapers such as The Daily Express and The Sun, but the low-brow publications had declined to do business with the anonymous data tout.

A source from The Express said: 'He said to meet him down by the docks with a brown envelope containing £300k in unmarked bills, and not to bring any friends. He spoke through a Darth Vader voice changer and sounded a bit scary so I said no.'

The information contained on the disk was 'unredacted', meaning that ministers' private mobile phone numbers, phone records, and contact details of any contractors who had carried out work at their houses was stored alongside costs.

The expense records had initially also been offered by the mole at £10,000 per minister as part of a Pokemon style collectable series. The Sunday Express agreed to buy a copy of Jacqui Smith's expenses, details of which it subsequently published in March.

However, when the mole called to arrange payment, he was told that everybody at The Express was on holiday and didn't know anything about any Jacqui Smith expenses story anyway so stop calling.

The incident prompted the source to devise a new contract with stricter confidentiality rules and the threat of 'sleeping with the fishes' if it happened again.

The Telegraph claims the case reveals a 'lack of moral leadership' on the part of the ministers in question.

Making connections

Wednesday 6 May 2009

Fury as KFC imposes halal only menu

Greased chicken merchant KFC has introduced halal-only menus to a number of its London restaurants in a move which has angered hundreds of local white folk who like their drumsticks bloody and their pigs bacony.

The decision to offer only fundamentalist Islamic chicken was made by the fast-food chain in an attempt to cater for the billions of Muslims living over here, who consider disgusting fatty fast foods such as kebabs a delicacy. It is thought that most of them pay for the junk snacks with state handouts and incapacity benefits.

KFC is the latest food chain to stop preparing food using traditional Christian methods, after Domino's Pizza launched a halal-only store in Birmingham 'amid a storm of controversy' from nobody except Daily Mail readers who didn't live in Birmingham.

Critics claim that the move is evidence of the 'Islamic supremacist assertions that non-Muslims must abide by Islamic norms'. So far eight of London KFCs have been converted to sell the meat, in areas including Forest Gate, West Ham, Tottenham and Bethnal Green, but insiders have warned that the insidious scheme could be extended to other areas of the UK.

Halal is the barbarous process of cruelly slitting the animal's throat before draining all blood from the carcass, probably for use in some kind of Islamic black magic potion designed to render middle-class white people impotent or something along those lines.

Halal-only branches of KFC will be indistinguishable from normal outlets aside from a small logo on the door telling visitors that the food has been approved by the sinister sounding Halal Food Authority (HFA). Experts have advised English KFC customers to check for the logo before ordering lest they catch Islam from dhabiĥa chicken. Side effects of inadvertently consuming halal food can include uncontrollable beard growth and a tendancy to explode near airports.

One furious local resident said: 'I've never eaten KFC before but I certainly won't be going there again.'

Monday 4 May 2009

Immigrants cost us £450bn

Immigrants living here cost British taxpayers £1m each, a shocking new report has revealed.

And brown ones cost even more, probably.

The enormous sum reflects the cost of benefits, tax breaks and free school meals that immigrants love so much, provided over the lifetime of the average feckless foreigner who sits at home all day, claims child support and robs your house at weekends.

The revelation comes as thousands of misguided churchgoers, Stalinist trade unionists and tye-dye wearing charity workers today prepared to rally in London in support of an ‘earned amnesty’ for 450,000 foreigners.

Campaign group Migrationwatch, who calculated the amount by pressing random buttons on a calculator, multiplying the answer by Pi then adding it to the number of people in Mexico suffering from swine flu, said: 'The numbers are truly enormous, adding an unacceptable – and entirely unnecessary - burden to the nation’s balance sheet'.

Original Migrationwatch estimates had been based on a family of four living in rented accommodation, with two parents over the age of 25 both claiming income support, council tax and housing benefit, earning the minimum wage for the entirety of their lives because that's all immigrants are worth. The estimates also took into account retirement at 65 and living for a further 15 pointless years claiming Pension Credits and free travel cards.

But the figures were so wildly unrealistic that senior Migrationwatch bean counters recommended using the 'picking numbers at random' mathematical approach instead.

Migrationwatch chairman Sir Andrew Green acknowledged that a gigantic degree of guesswork had been used to arrive at the final number: 'Some of these immigrants will already be married, or will not marry, and some will work above the minimum wage so that their Housing Benefit will be lower, some may have families of more than two children, thereby attracting more Child Benefit and Child Tax be honest, who fucking knows? £1million is a nice round number so let's go with that.'

A source at the Daily Mail said: 'I don't really care about the details. Nobody reads this paper for 'numbers' do they? The important thing to remember is that foreign people are bad.'

Sunday 3 May 2009

Miliband prepares to ban Christmas

Unable to contain his Cromwellian excitement at the prospect of banning Christmas this year, David Miliband has already ordered 'Foreign Office mandarins' to begin planning the cancellation of Britain's favourite festival - possibly to replace it with Eid or some other oriental pagan heresy.

The review of state endorsed religious celebrations comes after it emerged that Miliband sent out Ramadan and Rosh Hashanah messages to Embassy staff around the world, but neglected to prepare one for Christmas Day or Easter. He also hates St George's Day.

It is thought that Miliband, who once openly admitted that he doesn't believe in God or Santa Claus, issued the dictat 'to avoid upsetting different faiths and nationalities' like bearded Muslim jihadists and Scientologists. A local man said: 'What about my rights? He'll execute the tooth fairy next, and give all the teeth to those Talibans'.

The news comes a full seven months before Christmas, the earliest recorded banning of the Christian festival since history began when Jesus made the Earth in 1,500 BC.

Last year, Christmas survived until mid September, when it was outlawed by Yorkshire for fear of making Sikhs cry or something.

Saturday 2 May 2009

Paul Dacre hospitalised after gigantic ejaculation

Concerns for the well being of Daily Mail editor Paul 'Mr Burns' Dacre were mounting today after the ferrite fisted news dictator suffered an exhausting three hour ejaculation that left him 'withered like a prune', according to one onlooker.

Doctors said the 61 year old media mogul, who insists on being called 'Lord High Commander Paulinus' by friends and colleagues, was 'stable' having lost several internal organs during the marathon eruption of man juice.

Fortunately, Dacre, who earns £1.2m a year from telling people how dangerous Britain is and that foreigners will kill you, had previously undergone surgery to equip him with an extra heart, two additional lungs, four spleens and an industrial sized bile duct, as well as several kidneys harvested from junior Mail journalists as punishment for not adhering strictly enough to their master's 'libertarian-authoritarian' realpolitik.

Insiders said that Dacre was so concerned about the risk of developing cancer from everything in the world he was willing to spend millions on 'backup' organs every year.

Describing the scene as Dacre began his epic jizzathon, the source added: 'It happened late last night, after the subs had been in to see him with new pieces on Maddy, swine flu and Baby P. There was an almighty rumbling sound like thunder and suddenly he was being propelled around his office by this giant stream of...well, you know.

I think it was the mixture of panic, outrage, fear and the prospect of going to France for just a quid that tipped him over the edge. He looked angry, excited and strangely hopeful, if that's possible - the combination of those three leaders together on the front page must have been too much, and I don't think having Myleene Klass on page three helped either. '

Dacre's wife, known only as Mrs. D., was reported to be upset at the incident, telling friends: 'I don't know why he's unable to get that excited with me.'