Immigrant babies to take over UK by end of the century, study warns

A terrifying number of babies were spawned by immigrant mothers residing in Britain last year, chilling new figures have shown.

Statistics from the Office for National Statistics revealed that in 2008 24% of births - nearly a third - were to non-British women from far-off lands where they do things differently to us.

The enormous 1% year-on-year rise in the percentage of foreigners popping out little immigrant children has been blamed for pushing the overall UK birth rate to a 36 year high; 708,708 live births were recorded last year, the seventh consecutive annual increase since 2001 and the highest since 1972, when 725,440 career-ending mistakes were born.

The catostrophic increase in immigrant birth rates has led to fears that non-foreign babies may outnumber nice English scamps by 2085. If the current yearly percentage increase in births to mothers not of British origin were to continue, 100% of babies would be foreigners within 76 years.

Inexplicably, Migrationwatch has not as yet commented on the statistics.

See also: Multicoloured infants invade Britain

Immigrants cost us £450bn

Immigrants living here cost British taxpayers £1m each, a shocking new report has revealed.

And brown ones cost even more, probably.

The enormous sum reflects the cost of benefits, tax breaks and free school meals that immigrants love so much, provided over the lifetime of the average feckless foreigner who sits at home all day, claims child support and robs your house at weekends.

The revelation comes as thousands of misguided churchgoers, Stalinist trade unionists and tye-dye wearing charity workers today prepared to rally in London in support of an ‘earned amnesty’ for 450,000 foreigners.

Campaign group Migrationwatch, who calculated the amount by pressing random buttons on a calculator, multiplying the answer by Pi then adding it to the number of people in Mexico suffering from swine flu, said: 'The numbers are truly enormous, adding an unacceptable – and entirely unnecessary - burden to the nation’s balance sheet'.

Original Migrationwatch estimates had been based on a family of four living in rented accommodation, with two parents over the age of 25 both claiming income support, council tax and housing benefit, earning the minimum wage for the entirety of their lives because that's all immigrants are worth. The estimates also took into account retirement at 65 and living for a further 15 pointless years claiming Pension Credits and free travel cards.

But the figures were so wildly unrealistic that senior Migrationwatch bean counters recommended using the 'picking numbers at random' mathematical approach instead.

Migrationwatch chairman Sir Andrew Green acknowledged that a gigantic degree of guesswork had been used to arrive at the final number: 'Some of these immigrants will already be married, or will not marry, and some will work above the minimum wage so that their Housing Benefit will be lower, some may have families of more than two children, thereby attracting more Child Benefit and Child Tax Credits...to be honest, who fucking knows? £1million is a nice round number so let's go with that.'

A source at the Daily Mail said: 'I don't really care about the details. Nobody reads this paper for 'numbers' do they? The important thing to remember is that foreign people are bad.'

The Daily Mail: Champion of immigrants' rights

In a surprising U-Turn, The Daily Mail today branded recent Government anti-immigration measures 'Treacherous' for preventing an influx 4,000 Nepalese immigrants the right to live in Britain.

Despite a long running campaign to highlight the horrors of foreign people coming over here, the traditionally isolationist tabloid news magazine branded new restrictive criteria for granting Gurkhas British citizenship 'a moral outrage'. Immigration minister Phil Woolas had claimed that the new rules would allow an extra 4,300 members of the Himalyan 'martial race' to settle here, but campaigners estimate that the true figure would be closer to 100 due to overly stringent selection criteria.

A spokesman for The Mail said: 'While immigrants are undoubtedly A Bad Thing, these ones are acceptable because they've stood alongside our boys and shot foreigners, which is good. It may seem contradictory of us to campaign for an overly severe cap on immigration while simultaneously declaring some immigrants should be allowed in but, in fact, it is not.'

Whites now only account for 0.2% of England's population

Immigrants now outnumber people with the surname Smith, according to disturbing figures released today.

Research by credit agency Experian also found that, frighteningly, a massive 0.12% of people living in England are named Hussein, possibly in reverence to notorious Iraqi dictator Saddam or unpopular American socialist Barack.

The analysis of British surnames revealed that while the number of acceptable names like Brown, Jones and Johnson thankfully remained broadly stable over the last twelve years, scary, action-movie baddie names like Zhang have seen stratospheric increases of up to 4,718%.

Experts estimate that as many as 47 Zhangs might now be living in Britain, taking our jobs in oriental restaurants.

The findings will fuel concerns that there are more foreign people here than there used to be, and that house prices may fall yet further as an indirect result.

Other 'names' appearing in the top 10,000 list include Wang, Ncube and Begum.

Professor Richard Webber, who led the research, said that the number of immigrants could be even higher than first thought, as thousands of people who believe themselves to be British could in fact be descended from foreign invaders.

Those with surname endings such as 'thorpe,' 'ing,' and 'by,' are more probably related to historical migrants such as the Vikings, Danes and Angles who came over here hundreds of years ago and took our nuns.

Treating immigrants like dirt is OK, says immigrant

Being mean to minorities is now officially acceptable thanks to the heroic actions of one small town postmaster.

Brits everywhere rejoiced today at the news that it is perfectly tolerable to demand that foreigners speak English, learn all the words to the national anthem and wear tweed jackets with leather patches instead of intimidating turbans and beards.

And, no doubt, the PC brigade will be wringing their effeminite, well-moisturised hands at the startling revelation that the man at the centre of the anti-non-integration campaign is himself a foreign immigrant from another country somewhere beyond the sea, possibly in the east where spice mines still account for 100% of GDP and elephants live in castles and keep human butlers.

Although Deva 'Dave' Kumarasiri is not technically British, and neither are his children or their children, he proudly flies a Union Jack outside his house and describes Britain as 'the best country in the world'. Like all British people he drives a Land Rover and is trying to make his two young daughters join the RAF.

So proud is Dave of the fragrant azure pastures of inner-city Nottingham that he is insisting that other foreigners embrace British culture with the same rabidity that he has, warning that immigrant customers at his Post Office must speak only in English or face a permanent ban.

And while some politically correct do-gooders have accused him of inciting division in the community, it doesn't take long to see that Dave's 'intolerant' measures are in fact just driven by passion for the country that selflessly invaded his motherland nearly 200 years ago, saving his and older generations from centuries of pre-colonial barbarism.

'All I'm doing is telling people that if they want to live in Britain, be British', he says, before handing out some useful pointers for fellow migrants: 'Don't boo our soldiers when they come home from Iraq. Don't live your life without embracing our culture. Don't stay here without making any effort to learn the language. And if you don't want to be British, go home.'

One 'British' Muslim said: 'Mistah Kumarasiri, he right. I shouldn't have heckled those soldiers along with the thousands of other Muslims who did too. That's where I've been going wrong. Jesus akbar!'

As Dave describes his policies in his shop, a Polish woman wearing a shabby, sack-like dress shuffles to the counter to presents a £299 benefit cheque to be cashed - probably to fund the eight children she might have. A Pakistani man - reprimanded earlier for not speaking English, smiles pathetically as he struggles with 'please' and 'thank you'. We both glow with pride at their humiliation, and our own superiority.

Despite unfounded accusations from the local liberal elite that it is none of his business forcing people to speak English, and suggestions that he is driven not by patriotism but by arrogance, Dave is reasonable in his crusade: 'I don't expect immigrants to be fluent in English overnight. Lots of people struggle to master another language but they get much more respect if they at least try. I'm not being a racist, just a realist', he says catchily.

Mr Kumarasiri grew up in a village outside the third-world Sri Lankan capital of Colombo and learned English before arriving on our shores.

Although he supports the enforced conversion of foreigners to British customs and culture, and actively tests his own customers to ensure they meet his prerequisite level of Britishness, he describes the New Labour British Citizenship Test that he was forced to endure upon entering Britain as 'pointless and stupid'.

Unsurprisingly, he says that back in his native Sri Lanka, people are still proud to be associated with their former colonial ruler. 'Still we have the pride that Britain left behind. The laws are still there, the schools are still there. The kids have courtesy. They have discipline. Here, all that is gone. Let's bring it back.'

One insider said: 'If this Dave bloke likes Sri Lanka so much and thinks England is such a mess, why doesn't he go live there?'

Ethnics To Benefit From Economic Misery

Ethnic minorities - including gypseys, intimidating black hooded youths and Chinese tourists - will receive more money during the recession than anyone else, it emerged today.

The Government pledged extra help to those 'most at risk' from the economic downturn to ensure they do not become 'left behind' better people. Work and Pensions Secretary James Purnell announced a review of the labour market by the bloated and politically correct Equality and Human Rights Commission to try and find evidence that brown people need more money than white middle-class taxpayers with families.

It is possible that the review will recommend that traditional British families should begin sending envelopes full of cash and jewellery directly to immigrant neighbours regardless of how poor they are - and even hand over the keys to their cars just so they can get to local tribal ceremonies.

Gaffe-prone, benefit loving Purnell, announcing the scheme in a speech to Labour's multicultural Black Asian and Minority Ethnic annual meeting yesterday, made a snide jab at the massively popular and successful Tory government of the early nineties, sneering: 'In the past too many were left behind in bad times. Ethnic minority workers suffered most in the Tory recessions.' He went on to call Margaret Thatcher 'a bit rough' and labelled John Major 'a nerd', according to one local drunk.

The plan drew furious criticism from Conservative MPs, who warned that it would give dangerous potential terrorists the means to build weapons of minor destruction. Philip Davies, MP for somewhere called Shipley, criticised Purnell for talking to non-white folk, saying: 'This is simply outrageous...the sort of thing that gives politics a bad name - ministers talking to different groups and telling them what they want to hear. It drives me to distraction.'

The Taxpayer's Alliance insta-quote machine, making a welcome return after blowing a gasket three months ago over Alistair Darling's super-tax plan, said: 'Bleep bleep! Outrage algorithm initialising....zzzzzt...Lots of people are suffering hard times in the recession. Buzzzz-doop....The last thing they need is for the Government to play politics with different ethnic minority and gender groups...END OF TRANSMISSION blap.'

A spokesman for the Equality and Human Rights Commission said sanctimoniously: 'This recession has had a terrible impact for hundreds of thousands of people who have lost their job or are under threat - men and women, the old and young, white, black or Asian, students struggling to find a job, disabled people. We want to understand the patterns that are already starting to emerge.'

But shadow work and pensions secretary Theresa May said: 'This is typical of Labour's dithering response to the recession. Pffft! Patterns and understanding? Yeah we'll just look at some numbers and sit around and understand each other and it will all be ok. Ha!'

Feral Immigrant Children Putrify British City

Rabid packs of disease-spreading immigrant children are roaming wild in Sheffield and putting a major strain on taxpayer funded city resources, it emerged today.

Like the rats that caused the Black Death of London in 1665, 136 Slovakian families have flooded into the Yorkshire city since 2007, shamelessly looking for work and a better life for their families. Deprived immigrant nests are now a common sight to local residents, with many Eastern Europeans cramming up to 20 members of their family into a single small residence.

The overcrowded conditions have led to outbreaks of un-British diseases such as Hepatitis A, impetigo and thread worm amongst the migrant offspring, who brazenly wander the streets flaunting their their poverty 'for all to see', wearing tracksuits made by Neebok and Dunplop trainers.

A local man said: 'A dirtier or more wretched place I have never seen. The streets are narrow and muddy, and the air is impregnated with filthy odours. There are a good many small shops round here, but the only stock in trade appears to be heaps of small children who crawl in and out at the doors or scream from the inside. The sole places that seem to prosper amid the general blight of this place are the public houses, and in them the lowest orders of the Slovaks wrangle with might and main. Covered ways and yards, which here and there diverge from the main street, disclose little knots of houses where drunken [immigrant] men and women positively wallow in filth.'

Part 1: Coming Over Here, Taking Our Jobs

Nearly half a million foreigners were issued with with work permits last year, despite the hundreds of thousands of British workers being made redundant as the economy slides further into recession.

Shadow Home Secretary Chris Grayling said the 156,635 foreigners were granted permission to work made a mockery of Gordon Brown's promise of 'British jobs for British workers'. Unemployment rose by 290,000 in the same period, from December 1, 2007 to November 30, 2008, proving that foreigners are literally stealing jobs from employed Britons - leaving them destitute, face down in the gutter of society with only an old, mud-spattered dog - often with less
than four legs - for company.

The fact that the 156,635 must have already secured a job in Britain before being granted a visa and that they are in fact creating additional jobs, reducing the percentage of people unemployed, is irrelevant, said an insider.

Worryingly, the foreigners aren't even from the EU, but from distant lands such as America, China and Australia, where traditional British values - such as marriage and Christianity - are unheard of, meaning that they will never be able to properly integrate into society. Instead, they are expected to form feral tribes, building primitive villages where plans to destroy the pillars of Englishness will be formulated and bizarre sporting rituals like so-called 'American Football' will be performed.

Chinese script - which contains up to a bewildering 9000 characters - is widely expected to replace the English alphabet within 10 years, and American cuisine is already increasingly encroaching on our proud gastronomic heritage as dried dog meat, or 'jerky', and steamed hams, or 'ham-burgers', become ever more popular. Similarly, Australian immigrants have been blamed for the rise in people finishing all of their sentences with a raised intonation and for the growing prevalence of incredibly weak lager beer in Britain.

The shocking revelations led one commentor to call for the return of a true British hero to sort this shambles out, and over hundred people agreed:

Part 2: Coming Over Here, Taking Our Lives

Almost 100 foreign murderers have exploited Britain's shamefully chaotic asylum system to come over here and set up comfortable new homes, probably paid for by the British taxpayer.

Eighty convicted homocidal maniacs from Albania - or Albaniacs - have been granted British passports after sneaking across the Channel from Calais, where they enjoy raping students and murdering locals, to Dover, using bogus names and false papers to claim 'asylum'.

Many of the convicted criminals have been living in the UK for up to ten years and have started breeding, sometimes with unsuspecting Britons who do not realise that their offspring will be half-foreigner, just so they can claim the right to remain in our country.

Good Sir Andrew Green, of reasonable and progressive think tank MigrationWatch, said something along the lines of: 'Foreign people are dangerous killers and should be banned immediately'.

Part 3: Coming Over Here, Taking Our Cars

Foreigners are exploiting the weakness of the pound by coming to Britain to take our cars, it emerged today.

London-listed luxury dealer HR Owen revealed that there had been a 'significant' increase in purchases by foreigners in the last three months as sterling has become increasingly devalued by the irresponsible behaviour of New Labour.

Foreigners from Germany, which started World War I and its sequal, WWII: Redux, have been arriving covertly on our shores and buying German cars, which are up to £56,600 cheaper than in Europe, before driving them back across the Channel. Raj Bedi, director of Import Marques, told The Financial Times: 'It is bizarre'.

Calais Rapists are Coming For Your Daughters

Two men who didn't rape a journalism student in a Calais immigration camp, but who probably wanted to, might already be in the UK looking for new victims.

The 31 year old student had travelled to Calais to interview migrants when she was kidnapped and raped last month. The two men in question were arrested on suspicion of the crime shortly afterwards, but subsequently cleared after DNA evidence proved them innocent. However, just because they have been cleared doesn't mean they haven't ever raped anyone else; indeed, the fact that they are of Afghan and Iranian origin makes it all the more likely.

Reporting on the case, Emily Andrews noted that: 'Although it appears one man raped her, police said others may face charges of aiding him, or failing to help the victim, whose screams are said to have been audible throughout her ordeal', meaning that even though the crime was carried out by a lone individual, it would seem reasonable to lay the blame with the entire population of the camp. Many commentators have recommended that we should in fact blame all foreigners, as evidence has shown that they do things differently to British people and are therefore more likely to rape and murder us.

French state prosecutor Philippe Muller said: 'The logical route for [the rapist] to have taken out of France is to England. We are targeting Britain, Belgium and Holland but with people-smuggling contacts he could be as far away as Italy.' Given the fact that all European immigrants come to Britain, thanks to New Labour's notoriously lax border controls, it's a safe bet that he's in England right now. He could even be spying on you from across the street, waiting for the perfect moment to pounce.

Insiders called for an immediate suspension of all public activities and a 2pm curfew to be enforced for under 35 year olds. It is thought that men are at as much risk as women, because immigrant rapists are unable to distinguish male Britons from female, instead forcing themselves on anyone within sight.

Migrant Workers Will Continue to Flock to UK for Almost a Decade, says Thinktank

Worrying figures were released today showing that the number of migrant workers from the Eastern Bloc piling into our country would continue unabated for nearly a decade, until 2010.

According to the objective and independent report by non-political and completely trustworthy thinktank Migrationwatch UK, the number of Polish nomads registering to work in our fair country peaked at 228,000 in 2006. The plague-like influx was largely due to New Labour’s misinformed decision in 2004 to join the EU and open Britain’s gates to a tide of immigrants, while many other European states such as France, Germany and Australia, kept their borders safely shut. Thankfully, these countries will be forced to adopt an open immigration policy by 2011, meaning that many of the undesirable foreigners will go elsewhere instead, where they will be free from the horrors of Blair’s Britain like knife crime, political correctness, socialism and reality TV.

Migrationwatch, whose website prominently features well written tabloid headlines such as ‘Migration must be curbed’ and ‘Asylum seeker has deadly super TB’, optimistically predicts that the number of Eastern Europeans registering to work here will fall to 80,000 in 2010, and 50,000 in 2011. Following these figures through yields the utopian possibility that there might in fact be a negative number of immigrants in Britain by 2025.

Despite this good news, Sir Andrew Green, lord commander of Migrationwatch, warned that the Government should not use the good news as a lazy liberal excuse to claim that the public no longer need to be concerned about immigration levels, and that, confusingly, ‘The latest population estimates confirm that, in the next 25 years, we will have to build seven cities the size of Birmingham just for new immigrants.’ Birmingham, according the latest estimates, has 1.06 million residents, meaning that, if Sir Andrew’s predictions are accurate, there will be over 7 million immigrants living in Britain within the next quarter of a century, or around 12% of the UK’s current population. Sir Andrew was unavailable to comment on the apparent disparity between his own figures and those of Migrationwatch.

A Home Office bureaucrat, no doubt acting under propaganda guidelines from Brussels, said: ‘Nationals from the Accession 8 countries [those that joined the EU in 2004] continue to come to the UK to work, contributing to the success of the economy, whilst making few demands of our welfare system’. However, Bruce from London, in an insightful piece of rhetoric, asked 'Who really believes government claptrap that immigration benefits the economy? Are the economies of Germany, France and Austria suffering so badly because they blocked East European immigration until 2011? Hardly.'

British Families Left Without Homes as Foreign Influx Skyrockets

Millions of immigrants from other countries, many of whom probably don't even speak English, are living in housing paid for by the British tax-payer, it has emerged from a secret report hidden from the public.

The number of foreigners exploiting loopholes in 'Human Rights' laws to claim free housing has soared over the past five years according to the damning report, produced by the Equality and Human Rights Commission, published recently.

One in nine council homes is now occupied by a migrant family, equal to almost 20%. Therefore, for every hundred council houses, it stands to reason that thirty are posessed by immigrants, leaving only forty free homes for white British middle class families who might want to live there but are now unable to. These families are likely to have to live rough in parks instead, where, as statistics show, it is probable they will be robbed or stolen.

The inquiry warned that due to Britain's rising population outpacing the number of homes available, fewer people were likely to be placed in subsidised accommodation. Many of these people NOT placed by the council or the Housing Association (HA), are likely to be from Britain.

One Englishman, who preferred not to be named, said of the situation, 'What about my rights? I've lived here for most of my life, I've paid a few years worth of taxes, and now thanks to New Labour, my house is going to be taken away and given to an Iraqi nationalist.'

The report paints a grim picture of state-funded housing initiatives thanks to the leech-like effect of people not from around here. One local newspaper described how 'Housing queues have lengthened by more than half since 1997. In London and the south east they have more than doubled'. Although these statistics are unsourced and completely anecdotal, they illustrate just how Dickensian many London boroughs are becoming, groaning under the weight of 'multi-culturalism' championed by 'progressive' 'socialist' 'politicians'.