Part 3: Coming Over Here, Taking Our Cars

Foreigners are exploiting the weakness of the pound by coming to Britain to take our cars, it emerged today.

London-listed luxury dealer HR Owen revealed that there had been a 'significant' increase in purchases by foreigners in the last three months as sterling has become increasingly devalued by the irresponsible behaviour of New Labour.

Foreigners from Germany, which started World War I and its sequal, WWII: Redux, have been arriving covertly on our shores and buying German cars, which are up to £56,600 cheaper than in Europe, before driving them back across the Channel. Raj Bedi, director of Import Marques, told The Financial Times: 'It is bizarre'.

Now Labour Gives Bloody Foreigners Your Passport

A staggering 275,000 bloody foreigners will be given British passports EVERY year from now on, top secret government plans published yesterday revealed.

The proposals sparked outrage as it emerged that the bloody foreigners, many of whom weren't even born here, would be granted citizenship - and the right to scrounge the full range of state benefits - just by passing an extended, more 'vigorous' probationary period which probably just involves sitting at home watching Jeremy Kyle and not learning English.

Bloody foreigners too lazy to participate in the probationary period will still be eligible to apply for citizenship after as little as one decade, instead of being sent back where they belong.

The plans are part of the New Labour's so-called 'Immigration and Citizenship Bill', which comes after countless recent controversies over immigrants stealing our jobs, taking our houses, snatching our benefits and being generally different.

Many less perceptive news sources interpreted the bill as a 'curb' to bloody foreigners coming over here and were fooled into believing that it signalled tougher regulations on immigration. Some state controlled media outlets were even so gullible as to believe that a reduction in immigration might HARM the British economy.

But, thankfully, James Slack saw through the smoke and mirrors and turned his scrutiny to the real issue at hand: if more bloody foreigners are denied 'indefinite leave to remain', clearly that means that more will actually apply for the legal right to stay in Britain.

Shrewdly ignoring the fact that this would result in an increase in deportations and ignoring a proposed immigration tax and underplaying the extended probationary period , Slack's blistering report cut straight to the heart of the matter to lay bare the horrifying prospect of illegal immigrants being granted the right not to be called 'illegals', leaving only the slightly less offensive term 'bloody foreigners' at hard-working tax-payers' disposal.

A source close to Slack confirmed that the stunningly original article was 'totally different and not at all copied and pasted' from a previous article published in February 2008.

Immigrants steal ALL our jobs

If you're reading this at work, you might want to prepare yourself for a shock: you're not really at work.

Is your wife/girlfriend/life-partner at work today? No, she isn't. She doesn't even have a job. She's probably cheating on you in a run down cheap motel right now.

What about your kids? Are they at work?

No, they're at school obviously - they're too young to work.

This was the nightmarish situation facing millions of Brits today, as it was revealed that immigrants have taken ALL of our jobs. Some reports even suggested that foreigners have taken more than all of our jobs - The Press Association described chillingly how, out of 1.34 million jobs in the UK, 1.37m were taken by non-British workers.


The dire analysis by Migrationwatch UK, which warned earlier this year that Britain would need to build seven new cities by 2034 to squish all of the arriving foreigners into, will come as a jolt to anyone under the illusion that they are currently employed.

According to the figures, the number of UK-born citizens in work between 2001 and 2008 has fallen by 62,000, while 469,000 jobs have gone to Eastern Europeans. 618,000 more jobs have gone to people from places even further away than Europe. It remains unclear exactly how they got past the terrible krackens and whirlpools that are thought to blight the shadowy expanse beyond Europe, or 'the edge of the world' as it is sometimes known.

On top of that, 315,000 jobs were stolen by immigrants who invaded our country many years ago but have become 'naturalised'. Once an immigrant, always an immigrant, we say.

Adding together the 469,000 jobs pilfered by the Poles, the 618,000 thieved by the far-flung travellers and the 315,000 robbed by wannabe Brits reveals that 1.4million jobs are now occupied by untrustworthy non-Brits. This leaves minus 100,000 jobs for UK born Britopians. Business leaders will be facing tough decisions as they are forced to lay off yet more employees to make room for the next boat load of asylum seekers.

New Labour claimed in October 2007 that 2.1m jobs had been created since 1997, meaning that, not only have foreigners taken ALL our jobs, but that many have in fact taken at least two full-time occupations. We phoned Ali, a local plumber, taxi driver and dentist to ask for his opinion on the situation, but he was unavailable to comment.

A Government spokesman said: 'Over 90 per cent of the workforce is British', before mumbling something about made up figures calculated by a six year old.

* Update *

Unsuprisingly, a socialist recruitment pamphlet called The Grauniad has denied that foreigners are taking all our jobs, and dares to question the veracity of the MigrationWatch statistics. The author of the article is called Philippe Legrain, which sounds pretty French to us.

Need we say more?

British criminals could be branded as criminals abroad under government plans

Innocent Brits guilty only of commiting crimes in non-British countries might soon be forced to prove their innocence, under shocking new plans leaked in a secret government dossier hidden from public eyes.

The plan, publically approved in 2005 and due for open publication tomorrow, will see the UK's enormous 'Stalin-eqsue' criminal databases opened up to the beady eyes of EU member states, many of which house countless foreigners. Using DVLA, DNA and fingerprint data, justice departments in places like Germany, which was responsible for two world wars, will be able to snoop through the records of millions of ordinary hard-working taxpayers whose only crime was to commit a crime.

If there is a match found on the British database for, say, a fingerprint on a big stick that had been used to strike an Algerian in France, a suspect could be extradited to face trial abroad, forced to explain why their fingerprints were on the stick or even provide an alibi. At the very least the suspect might be let off, in the event of a mistake being made.

Insiders pointed out how open the system is to errors and false accusations, given the long documented unreliability of fingerprints and DNA. Phil Booth, of the NO2ID privacy campaign, said the Government was allowing its own assault on the principle of 'innocent until proven guilty'. We don't why he said this but he did.

Meanwhile, Shadow Home Secretary Dominic Grieve appeared to imply that Britain harboured more criminals than other EU countries, making it unfair for our great nation to use the same system as more 'crime free' states such as Belgium and Luxembourg: 'There is a real risk that a disproportionate number of innocent British citizens will be sucked into foreign criminal investigations.' Sources agreed that it might look quite bad if the giant database was to throw up more positive matches for law-breakers than other countries, and that Britain might be reduced to a laughing stock and called mean things like 'criminisland' or 'The United Scumdom'.

One right-wing newspaper printed a terrifyingly handy cut-out-and-keep guide to just how easy it could be to be accused of a crime you didn't commit; it would be as easy as travelling to Slovakia, inexplicably leaving your car there, making the police believe you were 'reasonably suspicious', being unable to provide an explanation or alibi, and failing to provide a defensible story in court as to exactly why your car was in Slovakia stuffed full of drugs and gagged hostages who all accuse you of kidnapping.



It could happen to anyone. Especially YOU. And your children. Now.

* Update *

This Slackery slipped through The Quail's brazen net when it was first published. James Slack is in fact in favour of keeping innocent people's DNA on a big scary database, despite what the above steaming pile of Slack would suggest - '"Big Brother' databases [could lead to a] nightmare scenario for a British citizen' falsely convicted by 'a false fingerprint, DNA or number plate match linking them to a rape, murder or other serious crime.'