PLATELL: Immigration, sterilisation, euthanasia needed to stem Britain's population crisis

Now I haven't actually looked at the statistics, but one thing is clear from the latest Government migration report - Britain is close to bursting point, and it's only a matter of time before our little island sinks into the North Sea, groaning under the weight of its own populace.

Even the Marxists at the BBC are reporting 'the biggest population increase for almost 50 years', along with the terrifying news that the population has finally balooned past the 61m milestone. The evidence of an impending catastrophe can no longer be ignored: only yesterday I had to queue up in Waitrose behind 3 other people, adding another 5 minutes to my already nauseating weekly shop. Then, as I was driving home at 6 o'clock, I had to spend nearly half an hour sitting in traffic - caused, no doubt, by hundreds of people all traveling to see their hundreds of children. Make no mistake - there are simply too many people in Britain now.

Normally, it's perfectly easy for poorly informed columnists like myself to come up with a solution: throw out the immigrants and get rid of the benefit culture that brings them here in the first place. I, and my colleagues at the Mail, have suggested this over and over again, but it's always fallen on deaf ears.

This time, however, it's a bit more complicated. According to the report [pdf], we don't need to throw out the immigrants because they're already throwing themselves out by the bucketload. I don't like numbers so I didn't read past page 3, but apparently, 'Net migration to the UK was 44 per cent lower than in the year to December 2007', and foreign immigration is declining year on year, while non-British emigration has increased by over 50%! Finally, we've got what we want!

Even the most ridiculous, under informed journalist can see that the population explosion of 0.7% is not, in fact, caused by 'soaring immigration', so I won't try that angle. And while only an absolute moron would say something like 'We are now the second most densely populated country in the world' when we're actually 52nd, I still firmly believe that something needs to be done.

The problem is babies. Vomitous, sleep wrecking poop machines, babies are to blame for almost all of society's ills, including our population explosion. Without babies, there would be no annual rise in population and everything would be ok again, just like it was in 1962.

The only solution is compulsory sterilisation - something my fellow Mail columnist AN Wilson touched upon only a few weeks ago. Would it be so awful to simply sterilise the ugly, the stupid, and the feckless? I think not. How many teenage parents are married or even have their children's father around? How many have jobs or are supported by someone who does? How many live off benefits? What I'm trying to get at is, how many of these child-rearing cretins are like us? Not many. Off with their tubes, I say. Spare the snip, spoil the country.

The second problem is emigration. Undeniably, the data show that as non-British emigration has risen, the population has increased too. All these years we've been railing against the wrong thing! Unless we want to see Britain hopelessly overcrowded and spend the rest of our lives queueing in supermarkets, we must encourage greater numbers of foreign migrants to come over here and take our stuff. If, perhaps, we could permit only homosexual immigrants in, while encouraging heterosexual indigenous British people to leave for foreign shores, the whole problem of population growth would simply vanish. Obviously we'd have to ban gay adoption too, lest those single mothers think they can reproduce with abandon and give the resulting child to the nearest queen or lesbian.

Lastly, I can't help notice that not enough old people are dying. This march of the over 85s is as much of a threat to our nation's stability as all those nasty single mothers and heterosexual white folk. The Government calls these people 'economically inactive' - they literally contribute nothing to society, and if ever there was a time for the euthanasia debate to be reignited, it is now.

These wrinkly drains on the economy must be culled with the greatest of haste. I've heard that America is to introduce 'Death panels' to deal with their over crowding problem, and, to my mind, it is high time we did the same. Nobody likes visiting their grandma anyway; why not just do away with her altogether?

The truth of the matter is that it's not so much a baby boom we're experiencing as a heterosexual old white person boom. Middle Britain, stand ready to open your borders and euthanasia clinics if you wish to survive.

Daily Mail wants to keep Nigerian criminals in Britain

In a surprising U-turn, The Daily Mail said today that instead of being sent back where they came from, Nigerian criminals should remain in Britain to take your job and rob your house.

Confusion erupted as the newspaper more commonly associated with its pro- 'put-them-all-on-the-first-banana-boat-back-to-Africa' stance on immigration also decided it would rather spend more taxpayers' money keeping brown nogoodniks here than save cash by helping to build a dedicated facility in some far-off African land where they could be pleasantly forgotten about.

Currently there are around 400 Nigerian convicts festering in UK jails who can't be deported thanks to absurd EU laws designed to protect their 'human rights'. Amnesty International claims that the country's jail conditions are 'appalling' and extraditions could be successfully fought by arguing conditions are inhumane.

But proposals from the the UK Border Agency would see 400 criminals relocated to a 'comfortable' purpose built facility costing the British taxpayer a staggering £1million. Female chief executive Lin Homer claims that the deal to work alongside African authorities in constructing a prison with 'acceptable' standards would actually save money by stemming a drain on British penal resources. The cost of keeping prisoners in UK cells is £30,000 per year - or £12million per year for a job lot of 400 Nigerians.

Completely ignoring the £11million pound saving to be made, Matthew Elliott of the TaxPayers' Alliance hooted: 'It's an absolute scandal that British taxpayers may foot the bill for a Nigerian prison', before scurrying back under his limpet encrusted rock in a crab-like fashion to look for detritus to feed on.

A confused local man said: 'This is outrageous political correctness gone bonkers. If anything, we should be encouraging more Nigerians to come here to sleep with our wives and claim benefits. I think it's disgraceful that the Government is spending less money while simultaneously easing the strain on our overcrowded jails - especially at the height of a recession. Additionally, I wish the BBC would increase the licence fee.'

Migrants set to come into possession of passports

THE number of British passports given to migrants is set to hit a record-breaking, hernia-inducing height of 220,000 this year. In the first three months of 2009, almost 56,000 "citizenship applications" sailed through the system-- an increase of around 57% on the same period in 2008, and an increase of around 26% on the number of Norwegians who landed on British soil in similar fashion in October 1066.

If these worrying trends continue, the number of migrants recieving passports this year-- and with them, the monumental priviledges associated, such as sickness benefit-- could nuke the previous record of 164,540 set in 2007. To put things in perspective: that glorious year before New Labour had yet managed to throw a spanner in the works of the immigration machine, 1997, just 37,010 newcomers were given citizenship.

At this rate, expert has warned, there will be more immigrants arriving on our hallowed soil than there are Bretons already here, by something like 2011 or 1025 maybe.

The reason for the influx is that immigration controls will likely be tightened next year, as the shambolic administration implements a system of "earned citizenship". Predictably, the news has caused a deluge of the dirty molerats to 'try it while they can'. Expert has speculated that immigration laws should in fact be made less stringent, thereby reducing the amount of immigrants arriving and making perfect sense at the same time.

Immigrant babies to take over UK by end of the century, study warns

A terrifying number of babies were spawned by immigrant mothers residing in Britain last year, chilling new figures have shown.

Statistics from the Office for National Statistics revealed that in 2008 24% of births - nearly a third - were to non-British women from far-off lands where they do things differently to us.

The enormous 1% year-on-year rise in the percentage of foreigners popping out little immigrant children has been blamed for pushing the overall UK birth rate to a 36 year high; 708,708 live births were recorded last year, the seventh consecutive annual increase since 2001 and the highest since 1972, when 725,440 career-ending mistakes were born.

The catostrophic increase in immigrant birth rates has led to fears that non-foreign babies may outnumber nice English scamps by 2085. If the current yearly percentage increase in births to mothers not of British origin were to continue, 100% of babies would be foreigners within 76 years.

Inexplicably, Migrationwatch has not as yet commented on the statistics.

See also: Multicoloured infants invade Britain

Immigrants cost us £450bn

Immigrants living here cost British taxpayers £1m each, a shocking new report has revealed.

And brown ones cost even more, probably.

The enormous sum reflects the cost of benefits, tax breaks and free school meals that immigrants love so much, provided over the lifetime of the average feckless foreigner who sits at home all day, claims child support and robs your house at weekends.

The revelation comes as thousands of misguided churchgoers, Stalinist trade unionists and tye-dye wearing charity workers today prepared to rally in London in support of an ‘earned amnesty’ for 450,000 foreigners.

Campaign group Migrationwatch, who calculated the amount by pressing random buttons on a calculator, multiplying the answer by Pi then adding it to the number of people in Mexico suffering from swine flu, said: 'The numbers are truly enormous, adding an unacceptable – and entirely unnecessary - burden to the nation’s balance sheet'.

Original Migrationwatch estimates had been based on a family of four living in rented accommodation, with two parents over the age of 25 both claiming income support, council tax and housing benefit, earning the minimum wage for the entirety of their lives because that's all immigrants are worth. The estimates also took into account retirement at 65 and living for a further 15 pointless years claiming Pension Credits and free travel cards.

But the figures were so wildly unrealistic that senior Migrationwatch bean counters recommended using the 'picking numbers at random' mathematical approach instead.

Migrationwatch chairman Sir Andrew Green acknowledged that a gigantic degree of guesswork had been used to arrive at the final number: 'Some of these immigrants will already be married, or will not marry, and some will work above the minimum wage so that their Housing Benefit will be lower, some may have families of more than two children, thereby attracting more Child Benefit and Child Tax Credits...to be honest, who fucking knows? £1million is a nice round number so let's go with that.'

A source at the Daily Mail said: 'I don't really care about the details. Nobody reads this paper for 'numbers' do they? The important thing to remember is that foreign people are bad.'

The Daily Mail: Champion of immigrants' rights

In a surprising U-Turn, The Daily Mail today branded recent Government anti-immigration measures 'Treacherous' for preventing an influx 4,000 Nepalese immigrants the right to live in Britain.

Despite a long running campaign to highlight the horrors of foreign people coming over here, the traditionally isolationist tabloid news magazine branded new restrictive criteria for granting Gurkhas British citizenship 'a moral outrage'. Immigration minister Phil Woolas had claimed that the new rules would allow an extra 4,300 members of the Himalyan 'martial race' to settle here, but campaigners estimate that the true figure would be closer to 100 due to overly stringent selection criteria.

A spokesman for The Mail said: 'While immigrants are undoubtedly A Bad Thing, these ones are acceptable because they've stood alongside our boys and shot foreigners, which is good. It may seem contradictory of us to campaign for an overly severe cap on immigration while simultaneously declaring some immigrants should be allowed in but, in fact, it is not.'

Treating immigrants like dirt is OK, says immigrant

Being mean to minorities is now officially acceptable thanks to the heroic actions of one small town postmaster.

Brits everywhere rejoiced today at the news that it is perfectly tolerable to demand that foreigners speak English, learn all the words to the national anthem and wear tweed jackets with leather patches instead of intimidating turbans and beards.

And, no doubt, the PC brigade will be wringing their effeminite, well-moisturised hands at the startling revelation that the man at the centre of the anti-non-integration campaign is himself a foreign immigrant from another country somewhere beyond the sea, possibly in the east where spice mines still account for 100% of GDP and elephants live in castles and keep human butlers.

Although Deva 'Dave' Kumarasiri is not technically British, and neither are his children or their children, he proudly flies a Union Jack outside his house and describes Britain as 'the best country in the world'. Like all British people he drives a Land Rover and is trying to make his two young daughters join the RAF.

So proud is Dave of the fragrant azure pastures of inner-city Nottingham that he is insisting that other foreigners embrace British culture with the same rabidity that he has, warning that immigrant customers at his Post Office must speak only in English or face a permanent ban.

And while some politically correct do-gooders have accused him of inciting division in the community, it doesn't take long to see that Dave's 'intolerant' measures are in fact just driven by passion for the country that selflessly invaded his motherland nearly 200 years ago, saving his and older generations from centuries of pre-colonial barbarism.

'All I'm doing is telling people that if they want to live in Britain, be British', he says, before handing out some useful pointers for fellow migrants: 'Don't boo our soldiers when they come home from Iraq. Don't live your life without embracing our culture. Don't stay here without making any effort to learn the language. And if you don't want to be British, go home.'

One 'British' Muslim said: 'Mistah Kumarasiri, he right. I shouldn't have heckled those soldiers along with the thousands of other Muslims who did too. That's where I've been going wrong. Jesus akbar!'

As Dave describes his policies in his shop, a Polish woman wearing a shabby, sack-like dress shuffles to the counter to presents a £299 benefit cheque to be cashed - probably to fund the eight children she might have. A Pakistani man - reprimanded earlier for not speaking English, smiles pathetically as he struggles with 'please' and 'thank you'. We both glow with pride at their humiliation, and our own superiority.

Despite unfounded accusations from the local liberal elite that it is none of his business forcing people to speak English, and suggestions that he is driven not by patriotism but by arrogance, Dave is reasonable in his crusade: 'I don't expect immigrants to be fluent in English overnight. Lots of people struggle to master another language but they get much more respect if they at least try. I'm not being a racist, just a realist', he says catchily.

Mr Kumarasiri grew up in a village outside the third-world Sri Lankan capital of Colombo and learned English before arriving on our shores.

Although he supports the enforced conversion of foreigners to British customs and culture, and actively tests his own customers to ensure they meet his prerequisite level of Britishness, he describes the New Labour British Citizenship Test that he was forced to endure upon entering Britain as 'pointless and stupid'.

Unsurprisingly, he says that back in his native Sri Lanka, people are still proud to be associated with their former colonial ruler. 'Still we have the pride that Britain left behind. The laws are still there, the schools are still there. The kids have courtesy. They have discipline. Here, all that is gone. Let's bring it back.'

One insider said: 'If this Dave bloke likes Sri Lanka so much and thinks England is such a mess, why doesn't he go live there?'

Feral Immigrant Children Putrify British City

Rabid packs of disease-spreading immigrant children are roaming wild in Sheffield and putting a major strain on taxpayer funded city resources, it emerged today.

Like the rats that caused the Black Death of London in 1665, 136 Slovakian families have flooded into the Yorkshire city since 2007, shamelessly looking for work and a better life for their families. Deprived immigrant nests are now a common sight to local residents, with many Eastern Europeans cramming up to 20 members of their family into a single small residence.

The overcrowded conditions have led to outbreaks of un-British diseases such as Hepatitis A, impetigo and thread worm amongst the migrant offspring, who brazenly wander the streets flaunting their their poverty 'for all to see', wearing tracksuits made by Neebok and Dunplop trainers.

A local man said: 'A dirtier or more wretched place I have never seen. The streets are narrow and muddy, and the air is impregnated with filthy odours. There are a good many small shops round here, but the only stock in trade appears to be heaps of small children who crawl in and out at the doors or scream from the inside. The sole places that seem to prosper amid the general blight of this place are the public houses, and in them the lowest orders of the Slovaks wrangle with might and main. Covered ways and yards, which here and there diverge from the main street, disclose little knots of houses where drunken [immigrant] men and women positively wallow in filth.'

Part 1: Coming Over Here, Taking Our Jobs

Nearly half a million foreigners were issued with with work permits last year, despite the hundreds of thousands of British workers being made redundant as the economy slides further into recession.

Shadow Home Secretary Chris Grayling said the 156,635 foreigners were granted permission to work made a mockery of Gordon Brown's promise of 'British jobs for British workers'. Unemployment rose by 290,000 in the same period, from December 1, 2007 to November 30, 2008, proving that foreigners are literally stealing jobs from employed Britons - leaving them destitute, face down in the gutter of society with only an old, mud-spattered dog - often with less
than four legs - for company.

The fact that the 156,635 must have already secured a job in Britain before being granted a visa and that they are in fact creating additional jobs, reducing the percentage of people unemployed, is irrelevant, said an insider.

Worryingly, the foreigners aren't even from the EU, but from distant lands such as America, China and Australia, where traditional British values - such as marriage and Christianity - are unheard of, meaning that they will never be able to properly integrate into society. Instead, they are expected to form feral tribes, building primitive villages where plans to destroy the pillars of Englishness will be formulated and bizarre sporting rituals like so-called 'American Football' will be performed.

Chinese script - which contains up to a bewildering 9000 characters - is widely expected to replace the English alphabet within 10 years, and American cuisine is already increasingly encroaching on our proud gastronomic heritage as dried dog meat, or 'jerky', and steamed hams, or 'ham-burgers', become ever more popular. Similarly, Australian immigrants have been blamed for the rise in people finishing all of their sentences with a raised intonation and for the growing prevalence of incredibly weak lager beer in Britain.

The shocking revelations led one commentor to call for the return of a true British hero to sort this shambles out, and over hundred people agreed:

Part 2: Coming Over Here, Taking Our Lives

Almost 100 foreign murderers have exploited Britain's shamefully chaotic asylum system to come over here and set up comfortable new homes, probably paid for by the British taxpayer.

Eighty convicted homocidal maniacs from Albania - or Albaniacs - have been granted British passports after sneaking across the Channel from Calais, where they enjoy raping students and murdering locals, to Dover, using bogus names and false papers to claim 'asylum'.

Many of the convicted criminals have been living in the UK for up to ten years and have started breeding, sometimes with unsuspecting Britons who do not realise that their offspring will be half-foreigner, just so they can claim the right to remain in our country.

Good Sir Andrew Green, of reasonable and progressive think tank MigrationWatch, said something along the lines of: 'Foreign people are dangerous killers and should be banned immediately'.

Part 3: Coming Over Here, Taking Our Cars

Foreigners are exploiting the weakness of the pound by coming to Britain to take our cars, it emerged today.

London-listed luxury dealer HR Owen revealed that there had been a 'significant' increase in purchases by foreigners in the last three months as sterling has become increasingly devalued by the irresponsible behaviour of New Labour.

Foreigners from Germany, which started World War I and its sequal, WWII: Redux, have been arriving covertly on our shores and buying German cars, which are up to £56,600 cheaper than in Europe, before driving them back across the Channel. Raj Bedi, director of Import Marques, told The Financial Times: 'It is bizarre'.

Now Labour Gives Bloody Foreigners Your Passport

A staggering 275,000 bloody foreigners will be given British passports EVERY year from now on, top secret government plans published yesterday revealed.

The proposals sparked outrage as it emerged that the bloody foreigners, many of whom weren't even born here, would be granted citizenship - and the right to scrounge the full range of state benefits - just by passing an extended, more 'vigorous' probationary period which probably just involves sitting at home watching Jeremy Kyle and not learning English.

Bloody foreigners too lazy to participate in the probationary period will still be eligible to apply for citizenship after as little as one decade, instead of being sent back where they belong.

The plans are part of the New Labour's so-called 'Immigration and Citizenship Bill', which comes after countless recent controversies over immigrants stealing our jobs, taking our houses, snatching our benefits and being generally different.

Many less perceptive news sources interpreted the bill as a 'curb' to bloody foreigners coming over here and were fooled into believing that it signalled tougher regulations on immigration. Some state controlled media outlets were even so gullible as to believe that a reduction in immigration might HARM the British economy.

But, thankfully, James Slack saw through the smoke and mirrors and turned his scrutiny to the real issue at hand: if more bloody foreigners are denied 'indefinite leave to remain', clearly that means that more will actually apply for the legal right to stay in Britain.

Shrewdly ignoring the fact that this would result in an increase in deportations and ignoring a proposed immigration tax and underplaying the extended probationary period , Slack's blistering report cut straight to the heart of the matter to lay bare the horrifying prospect of illegal immigrants being granted the right not to be called 'illegals', leaving only the slightly less offensive term 'bloody foreigners' at hard-working tax-payers' disposal.

A source close to Slack confirmed that the stunningly original article was 'totally different and not at all copied and pasted' from a previous article published in February 2008.

Multi Coloured Infants Invade Britain, says Journalist

Disturbing figures leaked by a shadowy Government source show today that more than a third of babies born in the UK are, shockingly, non-white.

Out of 649,371 babies born in 2005, 64.4 per cent were recorded as 'White British'. According to Matthew Hickley, this means that a third of babies are non-white despite the fact that babies born to other white (non-British) backgrounds make up another 5.1%, bringing the total number of white babies to 69.5%. When you add the number of babies born to parents who chose not to state their child's ethnic background, the figure rises to 80.3%.

Hickley's creative use of mathematics led some commentators to interpret the data as very frightening indeed. Sir Andrew Green, supreme commander of Migrationwatch UK, cried: 'This is a measure of the extent to which uncontrolled immigration is changing the nature of our society, against the wishes of a very large majority...The Government has allowed immigration to get out of control, but they still show no sign of a serious effort to reduce it.' Migrationwatch is an independent, non-political body that is 'not opposed to immigration'.

Readers of one local newspaper met the news with mock incredulity. Peter Atkinson of East Grinstead in Sussex quipped wittily: 'well, well, well what a suprise', while Richo from Clacton echoed his sentiment, adding ironically: 'Well I never, how utterly surprising?' Presumably both commenters innocently expected the figures to show that white babies made up at least 100% of the figures. J.Mitchell of Sheffield had some acute practical advice for the government, sagely noting that the news was fine with him 'as long as ALL these children can speak English by the time they go to school at 5 years old, and do not require specialist teachers because their parents, whilst taking advantage of making their life in this country, still refuse to learn our Language.'

Migrant Workers Will Continue to Flock to UK for Almost a Decade, says Thinktank

Worrying figures were released today showing that the number of migrant workers from the Eastern Bloc piling into our country would continue unabated for nearly a decade, until 2010.

According to the objective and independent report by non-political and completely trustworthy thinktank Migrationwatch UK, the number of Polish nomads registering to work in our fair country peaked at 228,000 in 2006. The plague-like influx was largely due to New Labour’s misinformed decision in 2004 to join the EU and open Britain’s gates to a tide of immigrants, while many other European states such as France, Germany and Australia, kept their borders safely shut. Thankfully, these countries will be forced to adopt an open immigration policy by 2011, meaning that many of the undesirable foreigners will go elsewhere instead, where they will be free from the horrors of Blair’s Britain like knife crime, political correctness, socialism and reality TV.

Migrationwatch, whose website prominently features well written tabloid headlines such as ‘Migration must be curbed’ and ‘Asylum seeker has deadly super TB’, optimistically predicts that the number of Eastern Europeans registering to work here will fall to 80,000 in 2010, and 50,000 in 2011. Following these figures through yields the utopian possibility that there might in fact be a negative number of immigrants in Britain by 2025.

Despite this good news, Sir Andrew Green, lord commander of Migrationwatch, warned that the Government should not use the good news as a lazy liberal excuse to claim that the public no longer need to be concerned about immigration levels, and that, confusingly, ‘The latest population estimates confirm that, in the next 25 years, we will have to build seven cities the size of Birmingham just for new immigrants.’ Birmingham, according the latest estimates, has 1.06 million residents, meaning that, if Sir Andrew’s predictions are accurate, there will be over 7 million immigrants living in Britain within the next quarter of a century, or around 12% of the UK’s current population. Sir Andrew was unavailable to comment on the apparent disparity between his own figures and those of Migrationwatch.

A Home Office bureaucrat, no doubt acting under propaganda guidelines from Brussels, said: ‘Nationals from the Accession 8 countries [those that joined the EU in 2004] continue to come to the UK to work, contributing to the success of the economy, whilst making few demands of our welfare system’. However, Bruce from London, in an insightful piece of rhetoric, asked 'Who really believes government claptrap that immigration benefits the economy? Are the economies of Germany, France and Austria suffering so badly because they blocked East European immigration until 2011? Hardly.'

British Families Left Without Homes as Foreign Influx Skyrockets

Millions of immigrants from other countries, many of whom probably don't even speak English, are living in housing paid for by the British tax-payer, it has emerged from a secret report hidden from the public.

The number of foreigners exploiting loopholes in 'Human Rights' laws to claim free housing has soared over the past five years according to the damning report, produced by the Equality and Human Rights Commission, published recently.

One in nine council homes is now occupied by a migrant family, equal to almost 20%. Therefore, for every hundred council houses, it stands to reason that thirty are posessed by immigrants, leaving only forty free homes for white British middle class families who might want to live there but are now unable to. These families are likely to have to live rough in parks instead, where, as statistics show, it is probable they will be robbed or stolen.

The inquiry warned that due to Britain's rising population outpacing the number of homes available, fewer people were likely to be placed in subsidised accommodation. Many of these people NOT placed by the council or the Housing Association (HA), are likely to be from Britain.

One Englishman, who preferred not to be named, said of the situation, 'What about my rights? I've lived here for most of my life, I've paid a few years worth of taxes, and now thanks to New Labour, my house is going to be taken away and given to an Iraqi nationalist.'

The report paints a grim picture of state-funded housing initiatives thanks to the leech-like effect of people not from around here. One local newspaper described how 'Housing queues have lengthened by more than half since 1997. In London and the south east they have more than doubled'. Although these statistics are unsourced and completely anecdotal, they illustrate just how Dickensian many London boroughs are becoming, groaning under the weight of 'multi-culturalism' championed by 'progressive' 'socialist' 'politicians'.