Friday, 31 October 2008

Now Brand and Ross are gone, Get angry at this guy

In a show that was originally broadcast 21 months ago, but which was brazenly repeated on Wednesday at the height of the Wossgate scandal, a so-called 'comedian' made an outrageously filthy and derogatory comment about our beloved Queen. The comments immediately led to calls for a ban on all 'comedy' programming, and a gag on Queen jokes in any public spaces.

Frankie Boyle, who is Scottish but still gets paid your tax pounds to spew venomous drivel by the allegedly BRITISH Broadcasting Corporation, was asked as part of the 'Mock the Week' show to think of something the Queen would not say in her Christmas speech, a broadcast close to the hearts millions of impressionable young children and sensitive elderly people. His 'disgracefully foul' reply was: 'I have had a few medical issues this year - I'm now so old that my p**** is haunted.'

It is unclear what the p-word is because of the stars, but we're pretty sure it's something utterly obscene.

'Mock the Week' claims to take a satirical view of current affairs. Although we've never actually watched it, it seems like what it really does is encourage contestants to use filthy language and target poor old ladies, as well as taking unwarranted swipes at Britishness, while promoting homosexuality and communism.

The decision to allow the 'joke' to be aired on the show at 10pm, hours after Brand resigned, has led to renewed anger among viewers, according to our own estimates.

One newspaper sent a transcript of the comments to Mediawatch UK and David Davies in an attempt to anger them enough to make public statements that could be used to support the views of billions of hard-working Britons that the BBC is a socialist cash cow taking hard-working families' money in return for nothing but disgusting language and horrific prank phone calls.

Davies didn't disappoint, yelling: '
It was a disgracefully foul comment to make about any lady. Just because the Queen is the Queen, it doesn't mean she doesn't have feelings, and she should not be subjected to that kind of comment on a national TV programme. Ordinary, decent people who are struggling to pay their mortgages must wonder why overpaid buffoons are being rewarded for making foul comments about elderly people who have always behaved with the utmost decorum.' Quite.

So perturbed is the newspaper by Boyle's sick 'jokes' that it has selflessly commited to monitoring all BBC programming for swears and degrading remarks, in the hope of revealing to the public once and for all just how low the BBC has sunk. It is hoped by many that the government funded broadcaster will be brought groaning to its saggy-skinned knees by an enormous list of cuss words, buckling under the weight of its 'stars' moral transgressions and offensive language. As a side-effect, this could mean increased readership of traditional printed news publications, which would obviously be wonderful.

Just in case you missed the vile episode of 'Mock the Week', or perhaps you've never watched it but would like to complain about how shocked and offended you were by it, the full transcript is here.

Next week: Sexual innuendo uncovered on CBBC - We have the pictures.

**Update** Some leftie so-called 'webloggers' seem to find Boyle and friends amusing. This sick filth should be banned now.

Wednesday, 29 October 2008

Hang Them!

Russell Ross and Jonathan Brand were today suspended by the BBC over the disgusting, obscene and perverted comments they made about mild-mannered Andrew Sachs' grand-daughter, Georgina 'Whiter than white' Baillie.

After demands from over 3,500 Mail readers, (or perhaps 4,, it was 6,000...ah hang on, no 4,000) state communications ministry the BBC suspended the two filthbags. So repugnant were Ross and Brand's comments that even the Prime Minister himself, who has nothing better to do since the credit crunch has been reversed, condemned the hateful 'comedians', describing them as 'a couple of odious little shitters who need deporting'.

It emerged shortly afterwards that the vile pair continued making fun of Sachs and virginal Georgina in a disgraceful display of bastardry that EVEN the morally bankrupt pornographers at the BBC found too sickening to broadcast. The comments were so awful that, in the interests of bringing this despicable saga to an end and saving the feelings of the Fawlty Towers star, one responsible newspaper selflessly reproduced them in full after directly contacting him to spell out exactly what was said.

After BBC commandant Mark Thompson made a half-arsed public apology for the debacle, unsatisfied critics called for harsher penalties against the pair and the Corporation, calling for the return of capital punishment and the complete shutdown of the BBC.

Sources geographically close to Sachs and Baillie told The Quail that all they wanted was to be left alone to try and return to normality, and that they just wanted the media to respect their privacy.

Here are some pictures of Georgina published by a newspaper at the forefront of the righteous hate campaign against Ross and Brand for invading the privacy of Sachs and Baillie. You can see her nipple in one of them.

Tuesday, 28 October 2008

Express Special: Gordon Brown Vetoes Happiness

Nuw Liar-Boar Commandant Gordon Brown dramatically blocked plans for a gleeful celebration of British Culture last night, opening himself up to all-too-deserved criticism from the more sensibly patriotic sectors of society.

British Culture, nationally recognised as one of this county's greatest Cultures to date, was due to be recognised in the glorious mono-coloured celebration of all that our fair fields have to offer. For several months it seemed that even Brown, famed for his austerity and hatred of traditional British conservative values, was ready to give his approval to the festival.

However, Brown's plans shamefully failed to place emphasis on the correct elements of our great empire. In a list of 1984 style Party-issued tips regarding activities for the "Britishness Day", Brown listed "Drinking", "Appreciating the Weather" and Morris Dancing instead of more widely recognised English past-times like empire building and opium wars. Shadow Justice Secretary Nick Herbert said: 'Labour still hasn’t worked out that British identity is bound up in our institutions, culture and history.'

Soon after, Brown ushered in yet another national embarrasment of a U-turn, deciding instead to block plans for the event and deny small children and animals everywhere the chance to celebrate their glorious heritage. Chris Huhne, who once launched a failed 'leadership' bid for the British Democrat Party, even went so far as to boldfacedly claim that 'Displays of nationalism never were the British way'.

Monday, 27 October 2008

Metro on: Elf 'n' safety and ancient laws

Now health and safety trumps Magna Carta

You can always guage just how sensible an article will be by whether or not the headline begins with 'Now...' Like this infamous effort from The Express, for example.

Now, read in horror as the Metro tells Londoners that NOW those health and safety Nazis want to overturn that relevent, up-to-date, progressive piece of legislature, the Magna Carta - you know, the one that allows you to shoot a Yorkshire man with a crossbow if he trespasses in your local church.

It was devised in 1215. That makes it almost 800 years old. That makes it old, therefore traditional, ergo, righteous and good.

Not laughably meaningless to modern British society, oh no.

Saturday, 25 October 2008

Richard Dawkins Hates Harry Potter

Maniacal deity hating boffin Richard Dawkins, who admits to being related to monkeys, is turning his rabid stare away from religion and now wants to destroy harmless children's stories for being 'unscientific'.

The sworn atheist, who hates Christians and has cloned his own daughter, thinks JK Rowling's magical tales of sweet young wizards are 'pernicious' and 'insideous'. Sources close to the heathen have revealed that he also hates Paddington, Winnie the Pooh, Rupert and other make-believe bears, branding them 'too furry to be trusted'.

Dawkins, whose dogmatic desire to erode traditional belief systems has led one newspaper to list him as one of the 50 people who have 'wrecked Britain', admitted that he hasn't even read the Potter books. Asked in an interview with More4 News why he was so eager to crush childrens' fantasies and replace magic with hateful and unproven scientific ideas like evolution and gravity, he screamed 'there's so much magic in science!' before stamping on a furby and punching a Buzz Lightyear doll.

The unemployed former professor of fluffy soft-option subject 'science and understanding' at Oxford Polytechnic University plans to follow in the footsteps of other has-been celebrities and write a kids book, which he arrogantly suggests will 'appeal to the children to think for themselves'.

Critics have warned that the book will encourage children to question their elders and learn more about things like science, theology and history, topics that no parent should be forced to discuss with minors. Dawkins's previous books have been notable only for being little more than 'near hysterical propaganda', and of 'turning the clock back to a pre-modern age of obscurantism, dogma and secular witch-hunts'.

***Stop Press***

Richard Dawkins stood accused of 'Google bombing' today after it emerged that searching for a key phrase found in a daringly critical article on the militant atheist yields a libellous and wholly contemptable top 3 result that suggests none other than the virtuous editor of England's favourite newspaper is in fact 'the most dangerous man in Britain'. Dawkins' name is suspiciously absent from the results. We suspect foul play and are calling for a campaign to stop sick atheist zealots manipulating search results.

Thursday, 23 October 2008

Chimpanpocalypse Now

Scientists will soon be able to "genetically" cross human DNA with that of a Chimpanzee or even dirtier animals, it was claimed yesterday.

After an empassioned defence on behalf of humanity by Conservative MPs, and an embittered assault by their New Labour and "Liberal" "Democrat" counterparts in the house of Commons, the bulwarks fell and the path lay open for any number of gene-splicing franken-xperiments.

The outrageous and grotesque plan involves inseminating innocent and, for the most part, decent human eggs with sperm from the human's less refined cousins, chimps. It is unclear what the supposed benefits would be for the British Empire, although some of the more naïve members of parliament suggested it would help in research into diseases and their remedies. Some claimed, boldfaced, that the experiments could "save thousands of lives".

However, the valid counterpoints to the research were much more palpable in the commons debate. Right-leaning Liberal Democrat member John Pugh said, "Why should we leave it to scientists to set limits on what is morally permissive?"

Why indeed, John.

Nadine Dorries, conservative freedom fighter teller of many truths, also gave voice to her innermost feelings about the experiment, stating earnestly that the idea was "serious, sinister and absolutely, ultimately ridiculous". Sources close to her revealed that she was heartbroken to say the least by the landmark commons decision to the contrary.

Largely unspoken in the house of commons was the direct parallel between the New Labour hybridisation scheme and the events of 1926 in Soviet Russia, when left-leaning dictator Josef Stalin aimed to create a race of half-human, half-gorilla 'supersoldiers' to meet the future needs of the army. While members of parliament kept this parallel unsaid, historians and journalists alike have noted that, moreorless, the situation is exactly the same.

Jeffrey Donaldson predicted worse possibilities still, pointing out that most ordinary people today now have honest concerns about the creation of Minotaurs and pig-goblins like those seen in New Zealand film maker Peter Jackson's documentary The Lord of the Rings. Such concerns highlight the importance of a public debate on the matter; we don't want minotaurs running amok in our fair streets ferchrisakes.

A further result of the decision in the commons will be that single women and even Lesbians will find it easier to have IVF treatment, creating their very own miniature hybrids with which they could form armies and perhaps lay siege to towns like yours.

George 'Humanzee' Bush vetoed a similar bill in 2006 over similar fears; sources described how he was afraid that the little chimpeople would visit him in the night and take his stuff.

Metro on: The End of Mankind

'Humanzee' fear after MP's embryo vote

This is it. The end of humanity. Humanzees are human-chimp hybrids by the way (personally I think 'chumpman' would be a better moniker)

Thank goodness some sensible people are standing up for our right to be humans.

More on this later, from those truth and rationality loving journalists at The Mail...

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

Metro on: Aliens and Blondes

Space invader 72-yr-old jailed for hitting out

'A terminally ill woman was jailed yesterday for breaking her neighbour's arm with a spade'.

Space invader? What does that mean Mr. Metro writer?

What's that? You just thought it sounded snappy and rushed it out to make deadline without giving any thought to whether or not it actually made any sense at all? Ah, right I see.

Good work on the clumsy use of 'hitting out' as well; where most writers would attach a subject to that phrase, you leave the sentence to tail off like lemmings over a cliff. What did she hit out at? Pfft, who gives a shit, it's only a headline.

Stop! Have some more!

Wife 'loves' boss cheat

'The celebrity wife of the head of the IMF said she still loves him despite his affair with a blonde employee.'

Blonde employee??? She is both a woman (ie a slut) AND blonde???>? WHORE! She isn't capable of (cleverly inverted) 'love'! She can only lust!

Straight out of The Daily Mail school of misogynist journalism. Yeah!

Thursday, 16 October 2008

British economic meltdown cripples families like yours with horrifying consequences, making people rush to big superstores to buy cheap televisions

in blow out sales so they can sit at home all day watching Jeremy Kyle and not go to work, with the effect that motorways are gridlocked meaning that ordinary hard working people can't get to their jobs on time just because benefit claiming single mothers want to grab a bargain, according to bloke

In a hard-hitting report last night, The Mail broke the news that a sale held by a new Currys store resulted in traffic jams in the local area. The news comes as a stark illustration of the credit crunch, showing just how dire the global economy is. Entire countries falling to their metaphorical knees is nothing on this.

According to David Wilkes, who was so shocked by the situation that he lost the ability to write goodly, 'Officers did crowd control to stop people being crushed in the queue'. Furthermore, 'A 75-year-old woman who had been waiting in the mammoth queue since 3am collapsed during the chaos and taken [sic] to hospital by ambulance as a precaution' or something or nothing.

One shopper cried: 'Everyone was pushing. One lady had to leave because she felt sick and I had to help a couple in their seventies who were getting crushed.' Another onlooker told how one young couple became so excited by the prospect of a £20 sat nav they actually began tearing their own skin off, while a local PTA member doused a security guard in home-made napalm before being arrested by MI5, who had been tipped off by the store manager that trouble was a-brewing.

The Daily Mail's sub-editor said: 'I was so busy buying a plasma telly for £4.99 that I didn't make it to work on time to write a decent headline'.

Wednesday, 15 October 2008

Northerners Don't Wash their Hands After Going to the Loo

Dirty rotten Northerners are indeed rotten and, it turns out, dirty, according to a new study carried out by someone from Cheshire.

Research published by the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine confirms what many already suspected; people in the North are a 'bit lax [ha! - Ed] about washing their hands after using the lavatory', meaning their hands are left crawling with deadly diseases, viruses and crabs.

The findings go some way to explaining why Northerners are more likely to vote Labour than their Southern masters - it is thought that the toilet-dwelling bacteria can enter the brain somehow after the dirty bastards fail to wash their hands. The bugs nibble away at the moist and spongy Toryus Plebicommonsensicum region of the brain which is responsible for moderating voting habits and forming normal political opinions. Once spongified, the region is unable to control the host's political preferences and, tragically, Northerners lose their ability to vote for the correct party.

Dr Val Curtis, who led the study and was reportedly 'flabbergasted' by the results, found that the further North her team went, the greater the incidence of faecal matter on subjects' hands and faces. Newcastle was found to be the pooiest city.

Recent polls that show a widening coservative lead over New Labour thankfully suggest that hygiene levels are improving, unlike immigration levels and knife crime which are getting far, far worse and will probably end up killing you.

Metro on: Holiday romances

Foreign flings hit you in Facebook

I think, maybe, this is supposed to be some sort of play on words. As in, something hits you in the face. But why would an intangible concept, i.e., a foreign fling, hit anybody in the tangible face?

Do people use that expression when something goes awry? Maybe it's just me, but I've never heard anyone say, for example, after a bad day at work, 'Crikey, today really hit me in the face'. Furthermore, you wouldn't say anything happened in Facebook. It would happen on Facebook.

This headline is desperately wants to be witty, but manages a play on words about as well as a two year old manages to play on Mah Jong. It makes no sense, means nothing and barely registers as English.

I won't even begin to discuss how vacuous, pointless and mind-buggeringly obvious the article (which has a different headline on the website) itself is.

Monday, 13 October 2008

Metro on: Cutting edge cancer treatments

Eat jam and jelly 'to tackle cancer'

Is this headline based on any factual evidence or does it fall flat on its arse when you actually read the corresponding article?

'"You'd get some protection from eating jam but it's full of sugar. It might be better to get the same protection from fruit and vegetables, which would give you other anti-cancer magic bullets as well"', says Prof. Vic Morris, the man behind the research that resulted in this great moronolith of a headline.

He and his team aren't even sure if the magic anti-carcinogen 'in' jam and jelly even survives after being swallowed.

So yeah, it falls on its arse, misleads, and resides a good few hundred miles away from anything that might hope to be called accurate. Just another day at the Metro innit guv?

Saturday, 11 October 2008

Sugar Banned at Daily Mail Lair

Supreme Mailish commander and protector of common sense Paul Dacre took the unusual step yesterday of banning sugar at the Daily Mail's offices, after it was revealed that sucrose can make the human brain 'wooly' and turn people into minority-loving, Guardian-reading hippies.

In tests carried out by Amsterdam University and Florida State University,it was found that people who had been given sugary drinks and then asked to write for five minutes about a gay man were less likely to be able to describe 'him' using correct vocabulary such as 'snake charmer' than a control group given only artificial sweetners. The research suggests that people with lower glucose levels are more likely to use stereotypes when describing others and, if they are high in prejudice, are more likely to make derogatory statements.

It is believed that sugar, like crack or heroin, clouds the mind and stops it from making perfectly reasonable snap judgements about people based on their religion, race, gender or sexual orientation. Drinking just one can of Red Bull might be enough to make even the most ardent racist suddenly feel sympathetic to the Mbingo and Mbongo tribes, or to the poovery that riddles our country.

The researchers said: 'When people engage in the act of trying to control public expressions of prejudice or the use of stereotypes, they consume the energy required for self-regulation... because self-control depends on processes that consume glucose as an energy source, people who have lower levels of blood glucose may be more likely to express prejudice.'

Paul Dacre responded by banning the use of sugar by Daily Mail employees and threatening to sue Tate & Lyle, Lucozade and Haribo. He claimed that if his employees were to continue consuming sugary goods, they would be rendered unable to write any more articles. 'What would there be left to write about in a world without prejudice and stereotypes, where all the different races get along with one another? It makes me shudder to think of such a dull and contented world', Dacre may or may not have told The Quail.

Friday, 10 October 2008

Metro on: necrophile cats

From today's London Metro:

Dead woman is eaten by her cats

'"She loved her cats so much she spent half her time feeding them. I suppose they had a big appetite," said a neighbour in Tomnatic, Romania.'


Single Afghan Mother Takes Your Money and House

An unemployed, benefit-claiming, Afghani asylum-seeker single mother of seven who claims £170,000 of taxpayers money each year is living in luxury accommodation in swanky Acton in West London for free, paid for by the local council, it was revealed yesterday. Minutes after the news broke, hospital admissions of right-wing commenters sky-rocketed as many literally imploded with rage.

One American freelancer was reported to be in a critical but stable state after his internal organs began overflowing with choleric bile, inducing a quasi-schizophrenic catatonic state. He was observed rocking violently back and forth, foaming at the mouth, unable to speak apart from repeatedly muttering the words 'Couldn't...make it.....up'.

Toorpakai Saiedi, as she is known to her countless children and relatives, is given a massive £400 a month to support her herd of offspring in the opulent London manor, which itself costs almost £15,000 a year. Jawad, one of her many offspring, displayed contempt for the traditional British way of life, screaming at reporters 'If someone paid you the lottery jackpot, would you leave it?', to which most replied sincerely 'Yes we would'. It remains unclear why the Saiedi family did not refuse to move in when they realised how much they would be costing the hard-working British taxpayer. Acton is, afterall, a celebrated hotspot of cheap outdoor accommodation such as park benches and doorways which are inhabited by numerous non-earning but responsible Brits.

It was noted by one news source that the case epitomised everything that is wrong with Britain today. Despite the fact that the placement of the Saiedis in such expensive housing was later revealed to be a mistake, resulting in two council employees being unceremoniously fired, the story is still, without doubt, absolutely typical of the kind of treatment all asylum seekers receive in this country. One commenter rightly pointed out that: 'the person receiving the house should realise how expensive it is for the taxpayer and refuse to move in - they should be homeless instead.'

The Floridan freelancer said, after recovering from his initial rage induced coma, that: 'If ever a single news story summed up the howling insanity of Brown's Britain, this surely has to be it', acutely pointing out how an exceptional and isolated case entirely sums up what some misguided critics claim to be a complex social problem. Understanably, he later admitted that he didn't quite comprehend the situation, whispering: 'It's difficult to decide on what precise level this lunacy is most outrageous' before going on to link the Acton family with terrorists who landed a hijacked aeroplane in Stansted eight years ago. The Afghan embassay declined to comment on whether the Saiedis were indeed behind the hijacking or what they were up to over here and whether or not they were planning to blow something up.

Thursday, 9 October 2008

Metro Moronity

Many other newspapers have forged shrewd allegiances in the past; the mighty Daily Mail ensured its lasting prominence in the British rag-o-sphere by supporting Mussolini and Hitler when lefty naysayers claimed they were nothing but bad news and The Daily Telegraph famously bought millions of pounds worth of shares in Russian inter-continental ballistic missile manufacturers during the Cold War.

We here at The Quail do not wish to get left trailing in the wake of our peon-erring brotherhood, and so it is with a modicum of joy we announce the exciting news that from this day on, you shall have delivered unto you the very best that the Metro has to offer too (it is, afterall, owned by Northcliffe, the glorious commanders of the the Mailish empire). We wish to show our support for Metro's crack team of comedy headline writers and office-bound, Fox News watching, Google News subscribing sub-editors by reproducing here the absolute best headlines that the freesheet press has to offer. So, without further ado:

Accused killer 'a very good cook'

What does this mean? Out of context: absolutely nothing.

In context: the same.

Tuesday, 7 October 2008

Now Labour wants to ban good parenting

New Labour ministers are plotting to launch yet another futile attempt to ban the harmless past-time of child beating, it has emerged.

In a damning report, Kirsty Walker described today how swarms of Labourites have already backed plans to rob responsible parents of their fundamental human right to punish their children using violence, using traditional parenting techniques that date back to the glorious neanderthal times. Authoritarian whip-cracker Kirsty points out how, outrageously, the plans could even 'give children the same rights as adults', meaning that eight year olds would be allowed to drive and your four year old daughter would be free to party in Soho nightclubs with middle-aged business men.

Under current legislation, parents can discipline their children using 'reasonable punishment', but are not allowed to use methods that leave visible markings or scars. The new plans would go a step beyond this already restrictive law, and attempt to clarify the term 'reasonable punishment', which some wooly minded liberals believe is somehow 'unclear'.

Sir William Utting, spokesman for the Children are Unbeatable Alliance, which may or may not sponsor terrorism, said effeminately: '[The plan] is about being serious about equality and about the human rights of the child. The law must send the clear message that hitting children is as unacceptable as hitting anyone else.' Critics responded angrily, pointing out that hitting people was often a really good idea, like when they play reggae music too loud or don't hold a door open for their elders, so it is not right to remove the right to hit children, who do things that are even more annoying than that sometimes.

Thursday, 2 October 2008

The Darkness Lifts: Sir Ian Blair gets his marching orders

Sir Ian Blair, the Met police chief with an unblemished 100% failure rate on every single case he was ever involved with, today announced his resignation after being given his marching orders by London mayor Boris 'Dr' Johnson.

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith said 'Sir Ian has always had my support for the demanding and vital tasks that we expect of the Met...They go well beyond the effective policing of London'. So far beyond, in fact, that a young Brazilian man ended up with seven bullets in his head.

The resignation was hailed as a victory for the Conservatives, and according to James Slack, 'will be seen by some as the beginning of a passing of power from Labour for the Tories.' Left-wing online internet web-loggers reacted with sadness to the passing of their favourite mayor, who had the full backing of many wooly minded political figures such as ex-Prime Minister Gordon Brown, Home Secretary Jacqui Smith and notorious communist Red Ken Livingstone, who is reportedly now working with Che Guevara.

Photo by Marek Bernat

Moose hunter makes use of Republican time machine

Future vice president of the former British colony of Virginia, Sarah Palin, was tonight accused by pedantic leftie commentators of lying about meeting British ambassador Sir Nigel Sheinwald.

However, inside sources have confirmed that Palin's apparent 'blunder' is nothing of the sort; she had simply made use of the Republican party's time machine to travel into the future, where, as official Veep, she met Sir Nige at a White House formal dinner.

Unsurprisingly, given the lipstick wearing pitbull's hectic moose hunting, book banning schedule, Palin made a simple mistake and listed the ambassador as one of the many world figures she has not yet met, but probably has in the future. Republican supporters noted that far from being a blunder, Palin's remarks prove that she is making great headway in proving herself as an experienced and widly travelled political figure; she may not have been far in terms of physical miles, but her voyages into the future more than make up for her incredibly narrow world-view.