Monday 29 June 2009

Crusading Muslim fanatics forcibly convert white cherub

Everybody knows that Islam only permits brown people with beards to worship Allah and live in Mosques.

But, as this chilling image shows, fanatic Islamist Muslims have already begun Islamicising WHITE people like you - and even innocent young children like terrified Sean, 11, pictured here being hypnotized by hate mesmer Anjem Choudhary.

Whispering silver-tongued incantations of terror into the bewildered child's ear, Sean appears enraptured by the militant preacher as a frighteningly hatted extremist looks on wide-eyed, ready to prevent an attempted escape with his barbed claws [not shown].

The presumably enforced conversion was filmed during a possibly violent demonstration by Choudary's Ahlus Sunnah Wal Jama'ah group in Birmingham earlier this month.

Choudary, 42, masterminded the massive organised protests at a homecoming parade of heroic British soldiers in Luton earlier this year, during which as many as 20 fanatics shouted slogans such as 'Butchers of Basra' and 'Booo!'

After brainwashing young Sean, the contraversial preacher hissed: 'The child was genuinely interested in Islam. He told us he wanted to become a Muslim and, of course, some people are intellectually more mature than they are physically.'

An onlooker said: 'It was horrible to see a white child considering non-Christian religions. Mind you, he did look like a bit of a chav, what with the cap and all - maybe a bit of Islam will sort him out.'

Thursday 25 June 2009

Cbeebies hates you and your children

Tot's TV channel Cbeebies is one of the greatest threats to child development facing Britain today, a shocking new exposé has exposéd.

Beloved by millions of under fours across the country, the station churns out supposedly harmless multi-coloured whimsey such as 'Balamory' and the suggestively titled 'In the Night Garden' for hours on end each day.

But, like [Bag]puss from a septic childhood wound, the truth about Cbeebies has finally been uncovered; it is in fact little more than a mouthpiece through which New Labour newspeak is poured into the homes of Britain's toddlerhood, filling malleable young minds with liberal doublethink that encourages an ever-growing acceptance of diversity and belief that working mothers are perfectly normal.

A cynical ploy to indoctrinate children after traditional broadcasting hours is even available in the form of a chilling 'Cbeebies Player' on the state-funded BBC website.

Stay at home mother Laura Kemp was left feeling 'undermined, undervalued and angry' as she sat down to watch the channel with her two year old. 'I never thought good old Auntie would betray me like this', wept Laura as Tinky Winky pranced across her television screen flaunting his questionable lifestyle choices for all to see. 'It [has] become the Government's ventriloquist's dummy by piping out Labour's send-mums-back-to-work mantra.'

The white middle-class journalist continued: 'There are black, Asian and disabled presenters, ethnic dishes in It's Time For Lunch, world music on Space Pirates, yoga and meditation on Waybuloo...But why am I left out - the woman who chooses to care for her own child? In its paranoid desperation to embrace every minority group, the BBC has overlooked the traditional family.'

An onlooker added: 'Truly, the world has never witnessed discrimination so terrible as Cbeebies. Martin Luther King must be turning in his grave.'

Monday 22 June 2009

Migrants set to come into possession of passports

THE number of British passports given to migrants is set to hit a record-breaking, hernia-inducing height of 220,000 this year. In the first three months of 2009, almost 56,000 "citizenship applications" sailed through the system-- an increase of around 57% on the same period in 2008, and an increase of around 26% on the number of Norwegians who landed on British soil in similar fashion in October 1066.

If these worrying trends continue, the number of migrants recieving passports this year-- and with them, the monumental priviledges associated, such as sickness benefit-- could nuke the previous record of 164,540 set in 2007. To put things in perspective: that glorious year before New Labour had yet managed to throw a spanner in the works of the immigration machine, 1997, just 37,010 newcomers were given citizenship.

At this rate, expert has warned, there will be more immigrants arriving on our hallowed soil than there are Bretons already here, by something like 2011 or 1025 maybe.

The reason for the influx is that immigration controls will likely be tightened next year, as the shambolic administration implements a system of "earned citizenship". Predictably, the news has caused a deluge of the dirty molerats to 'try it while they can'. Expert has speculated that immigration laws should in fact be made less stringent, thereby reducing the amount of immigrants arriving and making perfect sense at the same time.

Femail Special: Liz Jones on Iran

America and Britain must intervene in Iran's election process as a matter of urgency because this one time, I went out with an Iranian boy and he was really nice and we kissed.

Giving credence to Ahmadinejad's claims that he is victimised by The West is of little importance; we must meddle now, we must meddle hard, and our meddling must be conducted with extreme prejudice. Don't ask me how, I'm just a girl, but we need to get over there and spread some democracy just like we did in Iraq.

To hell with the consequences - I like Iranian boys! Teeheehee!

Unabridged version here.

Sunday 21 June 2009

A picture of a gypsy what the Mail dun

As subtle as Streicher.

Suspected murder victim 'got around', says Mail

Claudia Lawrence, the Yorkshire woman who went missing in suspicious circumstances over two months ago, was almost certainly a promiscuous home-wrecker with a penchant for married men, the Daily Mail has revealed.

In a lengthy character assassination of the presumed murdered chef, Tom Rawstorne revealed how:

It has emerged that Claudia, 35, didn't visit the Nag's Head simply to take advantage of the house doubles or, for that matter, the pints of cider that were her favourite tipple. What also seems to have attracted her there was the company it had to offer - the men in particular.

While fellow noble hack Elizabeth Sanderson described sympathetically that:

She could have made herself vulnerable to approaches from men because she drank too much.

Although Mail journalists have been shaking their heads with collective disapproval since it was first suggested that Claudia may have had a number of past lovers, it has taken until today for the newspaper's righteousness to become truly indignant at the woman police now believe to have been abducted and murdered.

Ignoring numerous friends who have described her as 'not promiscuous', The Mail instead decided that the search for Claudia would be best served by sensationally revealing her alleged affairs with '40 different men.' The claim is based on the watertight testimony of one anonymous 'friend', but, puzzlingly, conflicting reports (also carried in The Mail) state that 'some put the figure at half a dozen while George Forman, a close friend of Claudia's, has admitted he knew about two affairs'.

Today's blistering onslaught on Claudia's reputation - promoted on The Mail's front page between coverage of a footballer's marriage and a story about Nicky Clarke's new girlfriend - confirmed her status as a tireless husband thief by recycling anecdotes from lager-sodden anonymous drinkers from her local pub:

"She targeted men in that pub," explains one local. "And the men that she targeted were older than her and were married. At one time, she was seeing several of them, all married, at the same time." Another adds: "We'd all heard what she was up to. A few months ago, I was told that she had lured a man away from his wife and once she had got him she lost interest in him."

The smear piece goes on to mention suggestively that 'Remaining "friends" with her former partners seems to be something of a trait with Claudia', and, condemningly, that she was always 'something of an under-achiever professionally'.

Despite being demonstrably false, it was also deemed appropriate to mention the:

scurrilous rumours that Claudia had been working as an escort girl or using internet dating sites. After all, her £180,000 house was well-appointed and she seemed to enjoy a high standard of living for a chef working in a canteen at the city's university...

Because, well, a cider-drinking attractive single woman with a nice house either has a rich father or she's a prostitute, right?

But, after 2,000 words spent trawling through the allegedly seedier elements of Claudia's personal life, The Mail conceded near the end of the hatchet job that:

the airing of Claudia's private life has not been easy for her family to bear. After the latest revelations about the affair with Mr Horwell emerged, friends claimed it was "poisonous" to brand the chef a home-wrecker who targeted married men.

A local man said: 'Good job Mail, we can't have these murder victims running around getting away with it can we? If it wasn't for your publish-and-be-damned style of investigate journalism, I'd never have known a dead woman led an unextraordinary private life.'

Saturday 20 June 2009

Glen Jenvey says Daily Mail responsible for 'collapse of Hamza case'

Via Dave Bones, the Quail has learned that an extradition case against claw-limbed terror crab Abu Hamza has fallen apart because of a feud between star witness Glen Jenvey and pro-Jihadist journalists at The Daily Mail.

In an open letter to respected conspiracy journal Cryptome entitled 'Hamza Case Falls Apart', Mr Jenvey - also known as Richard Tims - said: 'Due to personal unfounded attack's [sic] by the Daily Mail...I wish to withdraw my police statement taken by the anti-terrorist squad for the FBI.'

Mr Jenvey also blames sinister 'far-left bloggers' and supporters of the failing Labour Government' threatening to 'chop my head off' for his decision to withdraw barely legible written evidence against Hamza previously submitted to US anti-terror agencies. The bloggers and Labourites remain as yet unidentified, but it is thought that they are extremely bad real people.

Jenvey's explosive documents almost certainly contained things that would probably have busted the lid wide open on a whole bunch of crap and that all manner of hell stands to be unleashed now the explosive statements have been retracted; Jenvey has previously exposed such such atrocities as a terror plot against Sir Alan Sugar and a horrifying letter-writing campaign against British Jews that The Sun, The Telegraph and The Daily Mail all covered enthusiastically.

Following the Mail's smear campaign against him, however, it appears Jenvey has denounced his ex-MI5 super spy credentials in favour of talking with high-profile Islamists - possibly with the intention of forming some kind of 'Infinite Justice League' of crusading crime fighters against corrupt British institutions. He said in a statement: 'I was so infuriated by the Daily Mail and the bloggers that I phoned Anjem Choudhary yesterday and he wants me to meet him. I won’t go into the details of what we discussed.'

A source close to Choudhary said: 'It's nothing big. Anjem and Glen have a mutual love of online roleplaying fantasy games and he wanted to discuss skills with him.'

Friday 19 June 2009

Mail readers approve of gypsies standing where they can see them

Proposals to reduce pickpocketing in GP's surgeries by forcing gypsies to stand where people can see them have met with a chorus of approval from Daily Mail readers.

Patients queuing in NHS surgeries had expressed concern that travellers and immigrants standing behind them created an 'uncomfortable' atmosphere because you just can't tell what they're doing back there. Nigel, from Berkton, said: 'You can't be too careful. Pickpocketing is a way of life for pikeys, so letting them stand behind us is political correctness gone beserk. They should be in front where we can see what they're up to.'

In a definitive poll, 94% of people said they supported NHS measures to make thieving gypsies jump queues of vulnerable patients who might otherwise be robbed. However, future Prime Minister Richard Littlejohn expressed concern that the guidelines might allow members of the travelling community access to the same level of healthcare that everyone else has, costing the British taxpayer tens of pounds in the process.

Littlecockjohn said: 'While it doesn't directly affect an American resident like myself, I object to the fundamental principle of equality for those who are different to me. What have The Tarmacing Community ever done to deserve so-called 'human rights?'

See also: Littlejohn and the BNP at Tabloid Watch
and: Mail pwn3d at Enemies of Reason
plus! The Tweet that made it happen

The consistency of Mail commenters

Don't you just hate punctuation Nazis, using commas all over the place, sneering at decent, hard-working folk who don't know their colon from their period?

Time for a red arrow Nic from Manchester, you raving homosexual.

Wednesday 17 June 2009

A tale of two rebellions

The day's BIG news:

'Householders are rising up in rebellion against the scourge of the wheelie bin. Protesters say the bins blight their streets, warning council chiefs: 'Not in my front yard.' - Daily Mail, p. 1.

Oh yeah and something about Iran sandwiched between the weather and some tits, underneath the maths puzzle.

'Hundreds of thousands of followers of defeated presidential candidate Mirhossein Mousavi turned out to protest in the north of Iran’s capital' - Daily Mail, p. 2.

Where? Iran?! Isn't that where terrorists come from?

You know what really grinds my gears?

Those bleedin' Burkhas.

Different and wrong they are, those black shrouds. What are they saying about us underneath them? What are they plotting? What are they building in there?

I don't even like the word itself. Burkha. Like the illegitimate lovechild of a burger and a gherkin. Sounds foreign, suspicious...militant. Ghurka. Burk-aa. Ew.

So anyway, my friend Jane* was on the train the other day when who should she find sitting across opposite her? Only another bloody Islam wearing one of those Burkhas, 'with only her heavily made-up eyes peeping out'. Cuh, how's that for hypocrisy? All dolled up to the 9s with makeup and Lord only knows what else, pretending to be covering up for modesty's sake (or Allah's, you don't know with the Islams) but dressed to kill underneath the Burkha, I'll bet.

* Me

Only she didn't have a ticket did she? Hardly surprising, they expect everything for free over here, those Islams in their Burkhas and turbans. Ticket inspector asks to see her ticket. Jane had already shown him hers, with a flutter of the eyelashes to distract him from the fact that her season pass had expired. But this Islam in her Burkha, she's all 'Oh dear, I must have left it at home...I forgot to buy one...a duck swooped from the heavens and took it while I wasn't looking...Oh, by Mohammed's beard, don't blame me Mr Ticket man'. You know how they are.

But you'll never guess what happened. It worked! The guard became nervous as the Burkha presented herself as an innocent in a society she didn't understand. Instead of issuing a penalty fine, he backed off, shrugging his helplessness at the other passengers, while she (or it) sat there laughing no doubt underneath her veil, yellow eyes darting this way and that mocking all the hardworking, taxpaying white English chumps who bothered to buy a ticket.

That's not it though. Imagine Jane's surprise when she got off at the same station as the Burkha and saw this 'penniless innocent' whip out a credit card from under the folds of her dress with which she promptly bought a Tube ticket. She might as well have stuck a big brown middle-finger up at Britannia herself as she floated out of the station.

Jane was so incensed she sent me a text message, explaining what she'd witnessed. It said: 'Attack of Burkha Rage. Grrr.' Too right. Bloody Burkhas. Different. Bad.

You'll never believe this though: When I told a friend about the bloody Burkha and what she did, they were like 'Well I forgot my ticket the other day. I was wearing a t-shirt. Does that give you t-shirt rage?'

I couldn't believe it. It's obvious that PC madness and multicultural liberalism have gone too far when normal British people will take the side of some Islam in a Burkha over an indigenous British journalist! Oh, I could have screamed.

Burkhas. Eurgh.

Tuesday 16 June 2009

The Mail's war on IVF

While inferior news sources have been wasting valuable column inches this week reporting such trivialities as a disputed election in some obscure middle-eastern state, The Daily Mail has spent the last few days pursuing a much greater agenda - the tyranny of helping barren couples have children.

Both 'Malignant' Melanie Phillips and Bel 'Looney' Mooney were wheeled out yesterday to wax polemical on the horrors of in vitro fertilisation, following a weekend of eye widening leaders revealing the shocking incompetence at the heart of Britain's IVF industry. Collectively, the Mail's elder matrons spewed an impressive 2,300 words of outspoken diatribe across two full-page articles telling worried readers just why they should be so nervous about the Godlessly futuristic baby making process.

So just why should you be so suspicious of IVF?

Well firstly, as Allison Pearson screamed only two weeks ago, the method allows selfish grannies such as Elizabeth Adeney the opportunity to bring poor infants into the world only to face a childhood of shame as the hands of their contemporaries mocking them for having an old bat for a mother. 66 year old Adeney 'thinks of no one but her blinkered self', spat Pearson after charmingly revealing that the sight of crusty, silver maned Adeney on the front page of The Mail holding her fatherless sprog made her 'shout and hurl the paper across the kitchen.'

So angry was Pearson's rhetoric that several readers complained of bile literally frothing from their newspaper into their cereal as they opened the paper over breakfast. 'I was really annoyed', said Alan from Royston. 'I'd used up the last few bits from the bottom of the packet of Bran Flakes and didn't have another box. I went to work hungry thanks to Allison Pearson.'

But although Allison's disgust with old people having children was generally dismissed as 'a bit silly even for her', she had unwittingly ignited a new Daily Mail agenda. The IVF issue was to explode in a flash of embryonic outrage only a fortnight later.

Alongside a double page spread entitled 'Ten seconds that ruined our lives', Bel Mooney managed to retain her composure long enough to tell readers that having a child 'isn't a divine right'.

Casually mentioning the horror of the white couple who were left with a brown baby after a disastrous IVF mix up, Ms Mooney concluded within four paragraphs that the Mail's recent pearl-clutching coverage of human artificial insemination had raised 'serious questions about the fertility treatment upon which so many couple [sic] pin their hopes.'

'Perilous it is', Bel continued with the gravitas of a 900 year old green Jedi master, before revealing with incredulity that the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority recently claimed arrogantly that 'it's impossible to eliminate human error' in IVF processes. And, for good measure, Bel even quoted some science: 'American scientists found that IVF babies were up to 30 per cent more likely to suffer from birth defects than those conceived naturally.'

Realising she was losing hundreds of readers for every percentage mentioned, Bel exposed the dark underbelly of the debate, and why you should really be scared of IVF even if you don't understand what it is:

'Behind all these complex issues lies a more simple question: what has brought so many people to the point where they place a faith in the science of IVF that would once have been placed in God (or at least nature)?', she asked with dazzling use of rhetoric while simultaneously taking it as given that childbirth is no longer entrusted to God or Gaia.

Yes. IVF is Godlessness, pure and simple. Like a journalistic Mormon concerned by the corrupting influence of technology upon our frail but sacred human form, Bel pointed out that 'It's impossible not to worry that we have reached an unhealthy state when too many people believe they have a divine right to a child.'

This is the path to a new Gomorrah, with women running amok, working and socialising to excess, using their bodies for things other than God intended. IVF allows these 21st Century harlots to remain scandalously unchaste for far longer than the holy scriptures ever foresaw: 'Few professional women considering having children until they are well into their thirties...It's as if they are thinking that if they fail to conceive, IVF will come to the rescue.'

Adding political balance to Bel's holy argument, 'Malevolent' Mel Phillips weighed in but six pages later to ask just why, oh why, for goodness' sake, 'are taxpayers' picking up the bill for IVF?'

Unable to believe that Mooney had written an entire article criticising a medical issue without blaming everything on the Stalinist state-funded cash vacuum that is the NHS, Mel quickly elucidated readers that 'the NHS is a health service, not a happiness service', and therefore shouldn't be spending YOUR money on women too lazy to conceive naturally.

The shocking truth about IVF is that it is provided free by a 'Government that controls the purse strings', a bit like how Lenin wanted it. 'What's wrong is's our money, and we should be entitled to decide how to spend it', Mel wept. Her impassioned plea to stop spending tax pounds on such frivolities as children certainly hit the mark; a recent poll shows 72% of Daily Mail readers in agreement that IVF should cease to be provided by the state. The money would almost certainly be better spent on proper things like Britain's woefully underfunded Trident project.

In case there were any readers left uncertain of Mel's message that cash should not be wasted on ridiculous socialist 'improvement' schemes, she yelled definitively: 'The era of paying central government to deliver public services such as health and education should be declared to be over.'

To allow IVF is to ignore the October revolution taking place under our noses. So blinded are we by babies, and science, and Robert Winston's moustache, that we have allowed the State to take away our faith in God and sperm.

In vitro fertilisation is a dystopian nightmare to be sure. But the last words on the matter must be left to pour forth from Melanie's mouth like spittle from a rabid hound:

"Creating potential babies in this way only to dispose of them has undoubtedly helped erode respect for human life"

Monday 15 June 2009

Passive aggressive sub editing

Sub-editor's log, 11.30 PM - 13th June 2009:

It's late. I've been hounded by Lord Paul to tidy up some rubbish by Beth Hale about Foxy Knoxy again. Why can't these flaming hacks write their own damned captions FFS?

Mind's blank and I've had a few too many mojitos to think straight. Used up all my half-arsed photo comments on that other piece that completely contradicted this one. And I'm way too distracted by that growth on her top lip to come up with anything else.

Sod it, nobody'll notice.

8.45 AM - 14th June:

Shit-cakes! I'm such a tool! Dacre's on the warpath, says my 'c***ing c***t's on the c*** b*****ing line if I leave any more c***ing captions blank!'

Let's go to town on this one.


Saturday 13 June 2009

The horror! The horror!

'Michael [was] conceived via IVF using donor sperm, but there was a terrible mix-up when the wrong sperm was mistakenly used by the hospital fertility clinic the couple attended in their hope of becoming parents. The result is that while Keith, 47, and his 46-year-old wife Catherine are white, their son is black.'

'The Williamses are suing the Belfast Health and Social Care Trust for damages for their mental distress, social discredit and breach of contract under the Supply of Goods and Services Act 1982.'

The goods are now eleven years old and enjoy football, climbing trees and playing with friends.

Friday 12 June 2009

Megan Fox not hot enough for the Mail


Look at this rank bitch, isn't she gross?

Eurgh! What a total, like, loser with her barely noticeably over-wide thumb! That's enough to put anyone off, right? She's, like, not perfect, the skank!

'Transformers actress Megan Fox is not entirely flawless', Daily Mail reporter intoned last night. 'As the picture [above] clearly shows, the 23-year-old beauty has a clubbed thumb on her right hand....On close inspection, Megan's thumb almost looks more like a toe - although that hasn't held her back in her career.'

Because, y'know, she just wouldn't be where she is today if the casting people had noticed that disgusting thumb.

Remember girls: if you have any part of your body that even hints at anything less than Venusian perfection, The Mail will know - and you'll probably be held back in your career.

Best just to stay indoors churning those sprogs out in front of the ironing board, 'k?

Tuesday 9 June 2009

Griffin upset to find people don't like him very much

British National Party Fuhrer Nick Griffin was forced to abandon a press conference today after angry protesters attempted to make an omelette on his suit.

The fascist leader quickly scuttled away from his spot outside Parliament to a waiting Ford Mondeo, flicking his forked tongue and hissing at the dozens of assembled protesters who chanted 'Off our streets Nazi scum' while pelting him with ovarian missiles.

Griffin had only got a couple of minutes into giving a speech on how mean the British press had been to him and how British Union of Fascists leader Oswald Mosley just wasn't evil enough for his liking.

Protest organiser Weyman Bennett of Unite Against Fascism said it was important to stand up to the BNP: 'The majority of people did not vote for the BNP, they did not vote at all. The BNP was able to dupe them into saying that they had an answer to people's problems. They presented themselves as a mainstream party. The reality was because the turnout was so low, they actually got elected.'

After wiping the yolk from his ironically black suit, Griffin described the incident as 'a very sad day for British democracy' and accused the Labour party of organising the demonstration using 'taxpayers' money.' He added, confusingly, that the he also thought the 'organised mob [had been] backed by all three main political parties' and not just Labour.

Even more nonsensically, he went on to say that actually the mob was self-organised and just didn't have anything better to do: 'They are silly left wing students, lecturers and probably civil service parasites off on their lunch break', he whined, crying tears of acid for his battered white pride.


Can you see what it is yet?

From the newspaper that brought you Michelle Obama and Carla Bruni not kissing, a [sic] sizzling new pap shot(s) of Prince Harry and that woman off Gladiators!

Caroline Flack, pictured, said: 'I was in such a rush to meet Harry that I forgot to inflate my head before leaving the house. I hope he was comfortable in the new car; it's one of those new surrealist SUVs with 4 half seats and a safety belt right next to the steering wheel. The extra dimensions are used for storage. It also has a really neat feature that casts different parts of the interior in completely different light, useful for confusing photographers.'

Mail validates BNP education policy

Labour funded state schools are too concerned about ethnic minority pupils to care about poor white boys, The Daily Mail said yesterday.

A report produced for the Department for Children, Schools and Families found that Pakistani, Bangladeshi, Indian, Caribbean, African and Chinese children - as well as girls from all ethnic backgrounds - are outperforming our sons at GCSE level, with the Chinese stealing an average of six grades from indigenous white children.

Daily Mail education correspondent Laura Clark said: 'The findings will increase pressure on the Government to reform the system of extra funding for ethnic minority pupils. Schools are meant to spend the £200million a-year Ethnic Minority Achievement Grant on "underperforming" groups.'

The story was originally broken by The News of the World, but writers for the red-top tabloid proved themselves inferior to their insightful Mail counterparts in missing the association between white pupils' exam failures and Government grants for minority students.

NotW scribe Matthew Davies instead naively suggested that the problem might be down to white families not impressing the importance of secondary education on their children as much as more ambitious Indian and Chinese families.

Mail readers agreed that the Government was almost certainly discriminating against white people:

But the prospect of racial equality in schools was laughed out of the pig pen with a slurry of negative votes from fellow commentators:

The BNP's education policy lists 'ending the scandalous and racist neglect that has left working class white boys at the bottom of the table for academic achievement' as one of its key goals.

Monday 8 June 2009

Nazis ready themselves for return to Europe

Britain last night celebrated the 65th anniversary of driving fascism out of Europe by sending two fascists to Europe.

The British Nazi Party (BNP) received a total of 948,598 votes - a 6.2% total share of the nation's vote - in Thursday's European Parliamentary elections. It is understood that The Electoral Commission received almost the same number of complaints from voters unhappy that the ink used on ballot papers was too dark for their liking.

Fascist candidates were particularly well supported in Yorkshire & Humber and the North West, where their share of vote was high enough to secure two seats in Strasbourg. The puffed-up racists will look forward to spending more time with other batshit loons like Geert Wilders, the extremist Dutch Ken doll who is banned from entering Britain because of his outspoken beliefs that people who aren't Geert Wilders are dangerous Islamists and ginger people breathe AIDS.

Ironically, the BNP polled less votes in Yorkshire and Manchester than in the 2004 European Parliamentary elections, when they failed to win a single seat. But because of a record low voter turn out, and the fact that not a single person in Britain voted Labour, the Nazi's share of total votes increased by 1.3%, enough to afford them two seats under the EU's absurdly complicated voting system.

However, BNP leader Nick 'Hitler Mk II' Griffin ignored the fact that his cohort of hatemongers only scraped in because of the catastrophic failures of the mainstream parties to actually represent the British population and the general rubbishness of an apathetic electorate, celebrating his phyrric victory as an 'historic achievement' with wobbly jowls and swivelling eyes.

A source added: 'Oswald would be proud of this historical achievement.'

See also: Drink-soaked Trotskyite Popinjays for War for an in-depth analysis of why British voters backed the BNP
and The Enemies of Reason for a round up of BNP voters' reactions to the election

Sunday 7 June 2009

Bum bashers steal Bible basher's child

Monstrous gays have captured yet another small child as part of an ongoing campaign to homosexualise our nation's youth.

The ten year old choirboy was snatched by the brazen pooves in collusion with Brighton & Hove council, which has a shameful track record in supplying same sex couples with young children to feed on.

The boy's mother, a devout Catholic, is 'furious' that her son has been placed into the care of 'wrong 'uns', as she believes they will 'encourage him into a lifestyle against her religious beliefs'.

It is understood that the strictly Catholic lifestyle that she had encouraged him into wasn't all that successful itself - the child was taken into care after the woman suffered a mental breakdown and was deemed unable to provide a safe and loving environment. Adoption services were also concerned that her Catholic marriage had descended into abusive chaos that could threaten the child's emotional development and well being.

But the mother's devout Catholic lawyer has raised 'concerns' over the new arrangement, presumably because living with sinful gays who will go to hell for sodomy is a whole lot worse than with a mentally unstable mother who, by her own admission, cannot look after her children.

'I have to ask, would a local authority put a ten-year-old atheist child into a devoutly Catholic home? I think not. This local authority is clearly not taking account of this child’s cultural and religious identity, which it is obliged to do legally', the religious lawgiver said portentously.

The parish priest, shockingly, is also said to be deeply concerned.

Taking time out from exorcising daemons at a local male-only late night bar, he said: ‘This isn’t about a gay couple in a private home, this is about a gay couple running a hotel where they also live, where they cannot restrict who the child is going to meet. That’s my anxiety’. It is thought that queers running hotels are up to 700% more dangerous than those who don't provide accommodation services to the public.

A local bell-ringer added: 'It's absolutely disgusting that this loony liberal council is putting the needs of the child above the wishes of the sick mother. The boy should be given over to the care of the Catholic church, which has a fine track record in taking care of children.'

See also: Gays steal children from happy family
More 'fury' over gay adoption at Angry Mob

Friday 5 June 2009

Brownfall caused by sinister sisterhood conspiracy

A Machiavellian sisterhood of power crazed women is responsible for Gordon Brown's spectacular downfall, it was revealed last night.

As the Prime Minister squirmed at news of the four hundred and eighty-sixth cabinet minister to resign in a week, fat male fingers were pointed at the unholy ring of so-called 'Women Against Gordon', or WAGs, for hounding the beleaguered Scot to what many pundits are calling a point of no return in Labour's meltdown.

Scheming female politicians Jacqui Smith, Hazel Blears, Beverley Hughes, Patricia Hewitt, Caroline Flint, Margaret Hodge and Tessa Jowell stand accused by The Daily Mail of being 'more loyal to each other than their party', orchestrating a series of 'traitorous leaks' and meeting for sexist 'girls only dinner parties' where they would gossip about male MPs and discuss shoes and other silly lady things.

The mysterious 'Daily Mail Reporter' - lett's call him "Quentin" for the sake of convenience - painted a vividly misogynistic picture of 'months of seething rancour and regular WAGs' whingeing sessions over pesto and pasta meals washed down with glasses of chianti', which eventually 'coalesced into something more lethal - a concerted assassination attempt on the Prime Minister.'

It was like 'The Night of the Long Stilettos,' the anonymous journalist added hilariously.

But more than just twisting the kitchen knife in Brown's already bruised frame, the WAGs have done little other than embarrass themselves, 'Quentin' claims: 'The truth is that all they have left is an undignified loyalty to their own careers'. Hazel Blears' departure was 'petulant and graceless', while Harriet Harman (also referred to variously throughout the article as 'Mother Superior' and Harriet Harperson - hahahaha!) conveys an image of 'treachery in high heels'. Wadabitch.

Harman is painted as an 'obsessive busybody social engineer' who helped shape an absurd 'politically correct, pro-women agenda'.

Caroline Flint, the only remotely attractive one out of the lot of them, will probably be the next 'mutineer', predicts 'Quentin' insightfully. He can tell.

Any why are these awful career woman Mandarins so bent on destroying cuddly Mr Brown and the rest of the political patriarchy that we all love and cherish, instead of staying home to care for the kids?

Quentin provides a subtle but telling clue from Harman's past: twenty years ago she co-authored a policy pamphlet described by critics as a 'a staggering attack on men and their role in modern life'.

Just in case you couldn't work that out, he adds: 'The Sisterhood's revenge on [the male] sex has finally scored a direct hit.' Yes. For women in power, it's all about revenge and undermining poor old men.

See also: UK women politicians not up to scratch, says bookish nerd
and: Polly Toynbee: Another bladdy scheming woman out to get our men

Thursday 4 June 2009

Why the BNP hate Britain

You may be surprised to learn that the last thing The Quail wants is for you to vote for the British Nazi Party (BNP).

Afterall, we appear to have a number of things in common. We both believe that immigration is a really scary thing and will eat your children, that people with skin darker than our own palid complections are not to be trusted and that the Earth is a flat disk resting on a giant tower of space turtles stacked one on top of the other, a billion miles high. The scientifically minded amongst you may ask: But what does the turtle at the bottom stand on? Well that doesn't matter right now.

What does matter is that the BNP are marginalised in today's European and local elections.

To guide you on your misinformed ventures through the turgid wasteland that is European and local politics, we will be taking a look today at the BNP's recently published 10 reasons why you should vote for them instead of an actual political party.

Reason 1: Workfare not Welfare - BNP Housing and Welfare Policy.

The BNP believes that everyone who claims benefits is a scrounging scumbag. Under a BNP Government, anyone claiming that they are unable to work would be forced to 'complete a certain number of hours of work per week', presumably by some kind of modern day Gulag. A bit like Stalin's Russia. It seems that the BNP is a fan of Stalinst welfare.

And how would the BNP generate funds to build these totalitarian Utopian labour camps? Ah, well by 'ensuring that the billions being spent on the utterly bogus asylum seeker and immigration swindles is redeployed' of course. Obviously, a lot of that money goes towards tracking down, processing and deporting illegal immigrants at the moment, so by redeploying it, a BNP Government would in fact be allowing a greater number of immigrants to remain in Britain.

If anyone comes to this country as a refugee or asylum seeker because their life is at risk in their country of origin, they will not be given housing or financial help in Britain. Instead, they will be sent back to die, be tortured, persecuted or whatever. The BNP doesn't care.

We may disapprove of foreign people, but saying they should bugger off to die is a bit much.

Reason 2: British Soldiers Defending Britain - BNP Defence Policy.

One of the first things the BNP would do if elected would be to stage an almighty witch hunt against anyone and everyone connected with the Iraq and Afghanistan wars. Regardless of your opinion of those particular conflicts, locking up your political opponents seems a bit too Stalinist (again) for our taste.

The BNP is also keen on never committing British forces to
'any conflict which does not directly affect British interests'. Presumably this vague statement means the BNP would not deploy troops unless another country - the French most likely - were to turn up on our shores waving dirty big sticks and threatening to invade Parliament. This brand of isolationism would in fact weaken Britain's position as a global power, damage international relations and lead to an increase in indirect threats to national security through the destabilisation of foreign countries where anti-Western sentiment runs particularly high. The BNP would, therefore, spell disaster for Britian's security.

Unsurprisingly, the BNP would also seek an end to British involvement in peacekeeping in war-torn countries. Aside from the clear contempt for human life that isn't white skinned or British, isolating oneself from problems overseas increases the risk of political and military volatility which could indirectly pose a threat to our country.

Reason 3: First Class Health Service for a First World Nation - BNP Health Policy.

"TB and AIDS are on the increase as a result of immigration", say the BNP. There is no evidence for this whatsoever. The BNP may be horrified to find that TB and AIDS would still be a problem even if immigration was to be completely prevented.

"British doctors and nurses are unable to find work in the NHS because we are importing medical staff (often with questionable qualifications) from the Third World". If Britain was to stop hiring medical staff from abroad, the NHS would face a catastrophic recruitment shortage. Foreign doctors do not have questionable qualifications. If you want less doctors and nurses in the NHS, and more death and disease, vote BNP.

BNP health policy is to 'Replace 100,000 NHS bureaucrats with doctors, nurses and dentists'. There is already a recruitment crisis in the NHS. The BNP want to further reduce the number of doctors in Britain by preventing non-British doctors working here. Can you see the inherent flaw in the BNP's logic?

The BNP wants you to get sick and die. Even The Quail doesn't want that.

Reason 4: Nurturing the Genius of Our Nation’s Youth - BNP Education Policy.

The BNP say '“Citizenship” lessons are a euphemism for political indoctrination.' Instead, they should be replaced with BNP Citizenship lessons where, presumably, people will learn how to wear jackboots and distrust people who look different to them.

Children should be caned. 'Old fashioned literacy' and 'old fashioned maths' should be reintroduced, whatver they are. Have a look at any BNP supporting website or blog to see how trendy modern teaching methods have failed; they can't spell or construct an argument for shit.

A cool new version of the Hitler youth led by Billy Brit should be introduced into Britain, according to the BNP. "The introduction of a compulsory Community Award Scheme for all school-leavers to teach them work ethics and social and community values. This would consist of work caring for the elderly or handicapped people, or environmental or heritage restoration projects, or military training."

We can't say we really agree with conscription, beating children and compulsory brainwashing. Sounds a tad Nazi, and not very good for Britain. We don't want other countries pointing and laughing at us do we?

Reason 5: Restoring the Rule of Law - The BNP’s Crime and Justice Policy.

A simple one. The BNP would reintroduce everybody's favourite spectator sport, executions, and put an end to 'political correctness' within the police force, somehow [unspecified, not an actual policy or framework, just a vague set of ideals that may or may not have been drawn up on the back of a fag packet]

Of course, such strict measures only apply to non BNP members. The BNP are in fact big fans of crime and corruption; just ask Robert Bailey about his inability to drive while sober, or Nick Griffin about his convictions for assault and race hate, or Richard Barnbrook about murder.

BNP crime and justice policies would make Britain the convict pit of Europe. We don't want to be the new Australia now.

Reason 6: Preserving British Identity - The British National Party’s Immigration Policy.

Wahey! Here's what it's all about! The panacea for all of Britain's ills.

The BNP would deport everybody who isn't white, whose family hasn't lived here for several hundred years. This would prevent anything bad from ever happening, rectify everything bad that has ever happened, and probably cost nothing at all.

Oh, wait. Is that it? Is that 'the big plan'? To get rid of everyone? But...that...doesn't make any sense. Surely it can't be that the one, single idea that the BNP actually have makes no sense whatsoever and could never be implemented?

It is? Oh. Sounds a bit Fascist. I was expecting something a little more engaging.

Reason 7: How the BNP Will Rebuild Britain’s Economy.

'Protection of British companies from unfair foreign imports...promotion of domestic competition...Increased taxes on companies which outsource work abroad'. This worked really well in the early 20th century, so the BNP will be reintroducing protectionism to ensure that Britain never recovers from recession.

Want to buy a Sony TV? You can't. Like Italian food? Well, it'll cost you. But fish and chips will be a couple of pence cheaper...oh wait, no it won't because Britain doesn't have enough fisheries to sustain demand. Hmm.

We can't condone the BNP's uber-socialist economic policies on the grounds that they're just too darn Red.

Reason 8: Britain First - The Simple Logic of BNP Foreign Affairs Policy.

'Simple' is the operative word in the BNP's 'Foreign Affairs Policy', which actually just consists of not having any affairs with foreigners.

This is classic BNP non-politics; policy which proposes nothing, relying instead on simply doing the opposite of whatever it is the mainstream parties would do. BNP policy is devised not by formulating plans or generating ideas, but by taking current strategy and saying 'Nah'.

This is anti-politics, anti-integration, regressive and harmful to our country, and betrays an inability to seriously run a political party, let alone a country. Mr Griffin and his cohorts have not the faintest idea of how Europe or indeed any international relations work, evidenced by their pie-in-the sky, unworkable soundbite policy points (all *cough* four of them)

Reason 9: The BNP Is Britain’s Most Democratic Party.

Tee hee! Only kidding. The BNP actually hates democracy. Invented by those slimy Greeks wasn't it.

The BNP would 'Abolish “anti-discrimination” laws' and 'abolish the “Human Rights Act”' if it were to be elected. Yep, it's pretty much all a case of abolishing things and taking away peoples' liberties. 'Britain's most democratic party'! Hahahaha, just kidding!

Reason 10: The BNP is Britain’s Only True Green Party.

See, the BNP couldn't really think of a tenth one. 'Free ice creams for all?' was suggested, along with making the North Sea strawberry flavoured. 'Nah, let's say some wank about the environment to try and get a couple of sandal-wearers on board', said Nick.

But they couldn't really think of anything other than 'the BNP is the only party to recognise that overpopulation - whose primary driver is immigration - is the cause of the destruction of our environment.'

Not corporate irresponsibility. Not fossil fuels. Not anything to do with cars! It's the immigrants again. So really this one is covered off in Reason 6: stop all immigration and you save the environment! Bam, done.

Oh, and also, ban halal and kosher stuff because that probably causes carbon dioxide or something too.


So there you have it. The BNP's 10 reasons to vote for them don't really make any sense. At all.

Being the staunch nationalists that we are here at The Quail, we couldn't possily recommend voting for this viciously anti-British party. Their ideas would actively harm Britain, corrode our national security, weaken our economy, destroy our health service, bring our welfare system to its knees. Even if you're a fat faced, sweaty, knuckle dragging, racist shit, you'd still be better of voting for someone who won't ruin your country. You can vote Tory or Labour and still be a racist moron; they won't stop you.

If you wish to protest against the excesses and corruption of the current Government, do so. Vote Conservative or Liberal Democrat, indeed, vote for anyone who has policies that MAKE. SENSE. The BNP have absolutely no idea how to run a party, let alone a country.

Don't vote for a party whose only actual policy is to get rid of people who don't have white skin. Afterall, who could you complain about then and blame for taking your house, wife and job? And even The Mail knows they don't really do that anyway.

If you love this country, you won't vote for the British Nazi Party.

Tuesday 2 June 2009

Twitter breaks your brain, say experts

Twitter is breeding a generation of emotionless sociopaths hell bent on nothing less than the total annihilation of humankind, a study hasn't shown.

According to hypnotherapist and BBC 3 psychologist Felix Economakis, the machine gun quick stream of 24-hour news, email, social networking sites, microwave ovens and colour TVs are overloading our brains with microscopic digital germs of doom.

Emitted by many common household appliances and absolutely everything on the internet, the so-called 'Gigagerms' wreak havoc with the easily corrupted empathy cells and compassion enzymes that make up the brain's squishy 'moral compass'.

Dr Economakis believes that web surfers have been at risk of losing their morals since the birth of broadband, but the problem has been amplified by the surge in popularity of evil social networking video game Twitter.

He said: 'Our poor brains are definitely suffering information overload...Our brains' attention levels are finite. When everything is screaming at us, we start withdrawing so that normally nice people become unempathetic. Brains brains brains.'

Twitter, originally known as Skynet when it was founded by parent company Cyberdyne in the late eighties, poses the most significant risk because updates are presented too quickly for the sluggish human mind to process correctly, the studies show.

Such an 'information overload can trigger the brain's 'fight or flight' response - and sideline more compassionate, thoughtful responses to news and information', Daily Mail science editor David Derbyshire added nonsensically.

Preliminary findings from similar research have indicated that Facebook and Twitter usage is also associated with reduced Midi-Chlorian counts, and may even reverse evolution when used with third party applications such as Tweetdeck which speed up the stream of information crashing into users' faces.

An expert said: 'These studies are irrefutable, and are based on rock-solid science. Everyone should stop using these silly internet things and buy more newspapers before something awful happens.'

Monday 1 June 2009

Mail plumbs depths of poor taste

From the newspaper that brought you those stunning paparazzi shots of grief-stricken David and Samantha Cameron at the funeral of their six year old son...

...followed a dying cancer patient through every last excruciating minute of her life whilst condemning others for doing the same...

...and always has the hottest shots of young teen girls for middle-aged readers to gawp at...

Follow the amazing private life of the woman kept prisoner for 24 years and raped 3,000 times by her own father - your new favourite celebrity (because everyone's sick of Susan Boyle now, right?) LizFritz!

Want to know who she's dating? What her kids are most afraid of? How she spent Mother's Day? And a whole load of other astonishingly intrusive stuff that only the most cynical newspaper would publish?

All this and more in the Daily Mail!