Migrants set to come into possession of passports

THE number of British passports given to migrants is set to hit a record-breaking, hernia-inducing height of 220,000 this year. In the first three months of 2009, almost 56,000 "citizenship applications" sailed through the system-- an increase of around 57% on the same period in 2008, and an increase of around 26% on the number of Norwegians who landed on British soil in similar fashion in October 1066.

If these worrying trends continue, the number of migrants recieving passports this year-- and with them, the monumental priviledges associated, such as sickness benefit-- could nuke the previous record of 164,540 set in 2007. To put things in perspective: that glorious year before New Labour had yet managed to throw a spanner in the works of the immigration machine, 1997, just 37,010 newcomers were given citizenship.

At this rate, expert has warned, there will be more immigrants arriving on our hallowed soil than there are Bretons already here, by something like 2011 or 1025 maybe.

The reason for the influx is that immigration controls will likely be tightened next year, as the shambolic administration implements a system of "earned citizenship". Predictably, the news has caused a deluge of the dirty molerats to 'try it while they can'. Expert has speculated that immigration laws should in fact be made less stringent, thereby reducing the amount of immigrants arriving and making perfect sense at the same time.