Tuesday, 2 June 2009

Twitter breaks your brain, say experts

Twitter is breeding a generation of emotionless sociopaths hell bent on nothing less than the total annihilation of humankind, a study hasn't shown.

According to hypnotherapist and BBC 3 psychologist Felix Economakis, the machine gun quick stream of 24-hour news, email, social networking sites, microwave ovens and colour TVs are overloading our brains with microscopic digital germs of doom.

Emitted by many common household appliances and absolutely everything on the internet, the so-called 'Gigagerms' wreak havoc with the easily corrupted empathy cells and compassion enzymes that make up the brain's squishy 'moral compass'.

Dr Economakis believes that web surfers have been at risk of losing their morals since the birth of broadband, but the problem has been amplified by the surge in popularity of evil social networking video game Twitter.

He said: 'Our poor brains are definitely suffering information overload...Our brains' attention levels are finite. When everything is screaming at us, we start withdrawing so that normally nice people become unempathetic. Brains brains brains.'

Twitter, originally known as Skynet when it was founded by parent company Cyberdyne in the late eighties, poses the most significant risk because updates are presented too quickly for the sluggish human mind to process correctly, the studies show.

Such an 'information overload can trigger the brain's 'fight or flight' response - and sideline more compassionate, thoughtful responses to news and information', Daily Mail science editor David Derbyshire added nonsensically.

Preliminary findings from similar research have indicated that Facebook and Twitter usage is also associated with reduced Midi-Chlorian counts, and may even reverse evolution when used with third party applications such as Tweetdeck which speed up the stream of information crashing into users' faces.

An expert said: 'These studies are irrefutable, and are based on rock-solid science. Everyone should stop using these silly internet things and buy more newspapers before something awful happens.'

1 comment:

  1. It's broken someone's brain. The third paragraph and the last paragraph of the Mail's story say the same thing.