Saturday 31 October 2009

The ladyboys that can ruin your career

Radical feminist writer Julie Bindel caused controversy last week with her comments about the ‘dangers’ of transgendered people in an article for sane, rational and in-no-way-foaming-at-the-mouth-reality-denialist magazine Standpoint. Quail correspondant Adam Fish reveals what Bindel's first draft may have looked like.

Last year, I was nominated for the Stonewall Best Journalist in the World award. This seemed only fair, as I am indeed the best journalist in the whole entire world, better than Woodward and Bernstein, better than Hunter S Thompson, and loads better than Seymour Hersh. But the spineless bastards wouldn’t give me my rightful prize. Damn them! Why? Why would they refuse to honour the glory that is Bindel? Could it be because they just thought that, while I may be a decent writer, my impact on the lives of others was less than my fellow nominee and eventual award-recipient, that jumped-up agony aunt Miriam Stoppard? Could it? Could it Hell! I’m a better writer than Stoppard any day. The cow.

No. I’ll tell you why I didn’t get that award: because of those transgender bitches! Those goddam he-she motherf'ckers have been hounding me for five years. Hounding me, I tell you! They even sent a baying mob to abuse me at my moment of glory! A baying mob! Look at them! Look at their evil faces, their deranged and heavily-made-up eyes, their emotions unhinged by unnatural hormones coursing through their veins! Look at them! One-hundred-and-fifty people they sent to pick on me. One-hundred-and-fifty people! Ten brave souls came out in my support, but what could they do? They were outnumbered literally fifteen-to-one! And some of those so-called ‘girls’ are pretty big, you know! And some of them even have penises (more on that later)!

Thank God I had that police escort. Oh, some might say this ‘escort’ was just the ordinary police presence sent to keep trouble from happening at the awards, but I know the truth. It was a special police escort laid on only for me, in recognition of the heroic risk I was taking in facing down this baying crowd of gender-benders like a modern-day Boudicca. Did the tranny-appeaser Stoppard get a police escort? I think not! So ask yourself – who is really the more important journalist? It is me.

And why were they harassing me, these ‘transgendered’ terrorists, these cross-dressing criminals? All I did was write one little article in 2004 which they didn’t like. Imagine! Not liking a piece of the glorious, world-changing super-journalism that is the collected works of Bindel. The cheek! And why did they object to my beautiful work? Was it my decision to call it ‘Gender Benders, Beware’? Was it the fact that the piece was illustrated with a mocking cartoon showing a so-called ‘trans’ individual to be the figure of ridicule he so obviously is? Was it the fact that I sweepingly declared that all trans ‘women’ wear ‘fuck-me shoes’ and ‘bird’s-nest hair’, and that a world inhabited solely by these alleged ‘trans-sexuals’ would resemble the set of the musical Grease? (Ed – can I just insert a huge quote from the Guardian piece in this article? It’ll help nudge up my word count. Ta very much, Julie).

No. It was because they – the transsexuals – have an agenda. Quite simply, they want to destroy feminism. They want to return us to the days when girls played with Barbie dolls and boys played with guns. Yes, that’s exactly the world ‘men’ like Patrick Califia want to return to! If you think this sounds like a ridiculous notion, ask yourself this – are you a famous journalist? Have you ever been nominated for an award? No. No you have not. I have, and because I am a famous journalist you should believe me when I tell you that all so-called ‘trans’ people believe that gender is biologically determined and not socially constructed. Don’t talk to me about Judith Butler, bitch! Did Judith Butler ever win a Stonewall Award? She did not. Whereas I did. Morally. That award was mine. If it hadn’t been for those pesky meddling trannies I would be looking at that award on my mantelpiece right now, and that Stoppard cow knows it. Bitch.

Who else is behind this? Psychologists! Reactionary 1950s psychologists who coined the term ‘gender dysphoria’ in an era when men were men and women were doormats. You might say that many trans people are not exactly happy with their identity being considered a psychological ‘disorder’, with being pathologized and considered to be cases in need of a cure. You might say that many modern trans people, like Kate Bornstein, have a more nuanced, fluid concept of gender than this 1950s ‘Mad Men’ style fantasy I’ve just alluded to here. You might even say that suggesting all this is a conspiracy for which psychologists are to blame makes me akin to some of those Scientology weirdoes – but, I repeat, who is a famous journalist? I am. Why, I’m so famous that I’ve gone from writing for the Guardian, one of the UK’s trashy, downmarket so-called ‘newspapers’, whose filthy ‘Berliner’ pages pass through the grubby hands of 335,615 people a day, to writing in Standpoint, a magazine catering to an intellectual elite of 20,000 (appr), so high-toned a magazine in fact that many newsagents say simply ‘eh?’ when asked for a copy, and which regularly features contributions from such fame-hungry media whores elite high-end intellectuals as Clive James, Alain de Botton, Melanie Philips and Julie Burchill. Do you associate in such lofty company, dear reader? You do not. So kindly keep your silly little Scientologist comparisons to yourself.

(Ed – could we get one of the researchers to include some tedious filler statistics here? Try to weight them so that they make it look like all transgender ‘women’ [I’m going to ignore trans ‘men’ from this point on, penis-coveting traitors to the cause that they are] wind up seriously unhappy with their lives, and possibly include some NHS stats to make them good and angry that taxpayer’s money is being spent on giving people sex changes instead of helping out TV channels ran by Pizza Restaurant Entrepreneurs who happen to be related to centre-right magazine editors? I’d do it but it would involve research, and a journalist of my calibre doesn’t bother with such things. Thanks ever so – Julie)

It’s all really disgusting, too, the stuff these people get up to! Sex-change ops for men involve fashioning a so-called ‘mangina’ from their dirty old penis, uuurgh! And women who have it done get given testosterone injections so they grow nasty scratchy hair on their faces, yuck! Also, it’s a ludicrous term anyway! Here, look at this definition of transgenderism I’ve included here unattributed but have clearly taken from a staff manual at some educational institution or other (clearly not a government department or anything official but ignore that). According to this a girl playing football is transgender! They don’t want our girls playing football, people! Now do you believe me about the psychologists? Now do you believe? Would Stoppard have uncovered such a conspiracy? The answer is no. She would not.

Oh yeah. They’re doing it to kids too! I totally saw a programme about it on Channel 4! (Ed – get some more stats in here please, thx J). Kids! The children, will nobody think of the children? The trannies won’t! They want your children! They want them in their sick tranny club! They want them to play Sandy in their never-ending production of ‘Grease’! The filth! Scum! The bastard award-denying tranny bloody bastards! Aaaaaaargh!

And they’re rapists! Did you know a so-called ‘transexual’ was convicted of rape and then sent to a women’s prison – even though he had a penis? It’s true! (Ed – check if this is true. J) Never mind that a transsexual ‘woman’ in a male prison would themselves be at risk of rape by inmates, never mind that if ‘she’d’ started on the hormones ‘she’d’ be less physically strong and therefore less able to defend ‘herself’ against attack and there might therefore be a case for moving ‘her’ to a women’s prison for ‘her’ safety, never mind that do you see? This is why they want to have a sex change people! They want to get into women’s prisons and then go rape-crazy on the inmates! With their penises!

Do you want that, readers? A world where penis-wielding fake ‘women’ go on a never-ending rape spree through female correctional facilities? Is that what you want? ‘Cause that’s what’ll happen!

That’s what’ll happen, readers. Mass rape of female inmates by devious transvestite bastards. And to think, it could all have been prevented if they’d heeded my warning. If they’d given me that award. But they didn’t. So cheers, Stonewall. Cheers a fucking bundle.

(Ed – I think this is substantively finished now. Just get one of the c ‘n’ p monkeys to pad it out with some long-winded quotes from internet discussion forums, stories about policemen being victimised and slippery-sloping about amputee-fetishists, would you? I’m off to put in Stoppard’s windows. Again.)

Thursday 29 October 2009

How bollocks spreads in the world of Web 2.0, with Iain Dale

Part three of our infrequent guide to reporting the news.

This week: social media

The dead-tree press is increasingly using so-called "social media" to promote content. It can be a daunting, confusing, often sticky experience, but using the "internet", or "webb", to your advantage is becoming an important part of proper journalism (the kind you read in newspapers).

With just four simple steps you'll be able to force your made up rubbish into the faces of millions of "surfers" - your editor will thank you for the extra readers!

Step 1: Make up some nonsense as usual, either by literally just inventing a story or by twisting some new directive/announcement/press release beyond all recognition to fit your agenda. In our example, we'll take a rather boring guideline update issued by Watford Council and pretend it's politicalcorrectnessgonemad. Add the keyword "paedophile" if the story involves children to really get people going.

Step 2: Once your piffle has been published, the fun begins! Ensure that readers are unable to vent their outrage (or correct you) on the article itself by turning comments off, but adding super-handy "meeja" buttons. This will encourage people to rant about your article in other internetual places, thus compelling others to visit your page to see what all the fuss is about.

Note: Don't give people the option to share your story on Twitter - it's a dangerous place where agendas are picked apart by orchestrated mobs and the truth uncovered by annoying web pixies. You're far safer with more modern options like MySpace and Fark.

Step 3: Syndicate and localize your content. By sending your story to local news comics like the London Metro, you make it seem like politicalcorrectnessgonemad is truly on your readers' doorstep. The more scared or angry they are, the more likely they are to share it when they get home or to the office.

Step 4: Now it's time to let your imaginary case of politicalcorrectnessgonemad go viral. This can be a frightening prospect - what if one of these interweb people finds out it's all a load of invented rubbish? What if the council itself issues a statement revealing that you made it up? Not to worry! You can rely on the heavy-weight bloggers (the same ones, coincedentally, we promote as the foremost authorities on blogging), to be taken in by your story however nonsensical it is!

By this point you can rest assured that your agenda was so compelling that the internet people were willing to lack past the gaping holes in reason and ignore the vast chasms of bollocks upon which your story was based. The important thing - the subtext - has gone viral.

Step 5: The beauty of "social media" is that there is no step 5! Sit back and relax as the heavyweight bloggers who didn't bother to check if your story was actually true twitter it for you. Your made up bollocks will now be discussed, retweeted and relinked by the blogger's friends and associates - your imaginary case of politicalcorrectnessgonemad has become real.

It's important to remember that making your story go viral with "social media" is mainly about appearing innovative and cutting edge rather than actually increasing traffic by any meaningful amount. In this case, for instance, we only gained 63 extra visits and half of those were probably people laughing at Iain Dale for recycling made up news. Such are the dangers of Twitter.

But don't lose heart! The important thing is that your story got re-recycled in the blogosphere and commenters blindly agreed with their blogger lord that, yes, politicalcorrectness has indeed gonemad. Even if those readers didn't visit your story, you still managed to indirectly convince them that Britain is going to hell in a handcart and it's all the fault of those darn lefties.


Update: Bonus churnalism from the Graun and Heresy Corner (tagline: 'Countering complacency, received opinions and incoherant thought')

COMMENT: Why can't minorities just get a sense of humour?

It's common knowledge that racist jokes are hilarious, and - as eruditely pointed out by half-chin-half-man Bruce Forsyth, who is not at all old fashioned and out-of-date with his views - anyone who can't stand being called a "paki" should get a sense of humour. Because it's funny, don't you see? To call someone a word laced with hateful undertones. The highest form of wit.

Anyway, Andrew Neil made a quite brilliant quip recently about black MP Diane Abbott being a "chocolate hobnob". A joke which works on so many levels, but one which a hard core of liberal loony political-correctness-loving extremists have somehow deemed "offensive". These people clearly have nothing better to do than to be offended by completely harmless jokes and should get a life. And stop eating babies. Which they definitely do.

What's next, I ask you? Will we be banned form calling Germans "krauts" or calling the French "frogs"? It's political loony leftie madness health and safety gone bonkers Britain, and is probably somehow tied in to that shady EU which plans to take away all our rights, kill the Queen and have us work 24 hours a day growing onions for the French in slave labour camps in Germany. Or something.

Meanwhile, the irony of whipping up a storm of fuss about Jonathan Brand and Russell Ross and then dismissing another similar incident is entirely lost on us.

By Richard, via.

Wednesday 28 October 2009

Daily Mail London edition: Consistent Standards

Northern Rock, the bank which triggered the financial crisis in Britain, could be sold before the general election in the biggest shake-up of the banking system for years

...Evening Standard reporter Hugo Duncan revealed today.

Duncan added in a separate article also published today in the same newspaper:

Government hopes of selling Northern Rock before the general election looked doomed today amid signs potential bidders will wait until after polling day.

The Evening Standard is given away free at tube stations and on rainy London streets. It was bought for £1 by ex-KGB spy Alexander Meerkat Lebedev earlier this year.

h/t: Political Animal

Tuesday 27 October 2009

Cancer jab and booze turns girls into lying floozies, studies find

Alcohol and the HPV vaccine are creating a generation of young hussies hell-bent on drinking themselves to oblivion while tempting unsuspecting men into illicit encounters in WKD sodden hotel rooms before blaming the whole thing on male trickery, it was claimed today.

A study of 200 harlots in Greater London found up to 75% of them rated innocuous 'date-rape drugs' as a significant risk factor in sexual assaults, instead of real causes such as short skirts, high heels, and shameless flirting. Many said they would attribute symptoms such as sickness, blackouts and dizziness to Rohypnol or GHB poisoning despite the far more likely explanation that ladies simply can't hold their drink properly - especially when it comes to beer.

A local alcoholic explained: 'Ha! Wimmin, eh? Can't hold their drink. I've sheen girlsh shtop after only a couple of lagersh in cashe they get shloshed - pfft! I've had eight pintsh thish morning and I'm fine.'

Dr Adam Burgess of the University of Kent agreed that young women were probably just making it up when blaming blackouts and unexpected nookie on 'date-rape drugs': 'There have hardly been any cases where it has been proved that sedatives such as rohypnol and GHB have been used in a rape incident. Yet it has been a storyline that has appeared in virtually every TV soap. Maybe that tells us something about the programmes these women are watching.'

The study comes as a survey of pre-pubescant proto-strumpets found that the HPV vaccine probably might encourage some young girls to maybe be a bit more promiscuous, or not. Alarmingly, as many as 100% of school girls aged 12 and 13 said that the HPV vaccine made them feel protected from getting cervical cancer, while a massive 1 in 7 girls confused by the question and unsure what 'promiscuous' meant, said that the jab would make them 'take more risks'.

Unnamed family groups and imaginary experts expressed fears that HPV would lead to a rise in unplanned pregnancies and a fall in house prices. One girl said: 'I don't like jabs. They hurt my arm.'

More: NHS Choices

Friday 23 October 2009

Moirgate: Am I sorry? Well...

Jan Moir shook off allegations of being a bilious gay-hating she-bigot last night with a considered rebuttal (euphemistically framed as an 'apology') of the orchestrated campaign launched by Twitter demons last week.

Quail homosexual affairs correspondent Left Outside has come into possession of an early draft of the heterosexist columnist's apology, which can be read in it's gloriously unqueer entirety here.

A mirror of Moir's revised article can be found here (just in case, y'know, interweb pixies alter it in the MailOnline version in the night).

Thursday 22 October 2009

BBC 'stupid' for allowing Nick Griffin on Question Time, says Nick Griffin

Video by Don't Panic

BNP leader Nick Griffin said today that 'the BBC is stupid to let me appear' on Question Time, having spent the last five years complaining that the corporation's refusal to give him airtime was due to political correctness and institutional lack of racism.

A spokesman said: 'He's right. Why would the BBC invite us onto the show when we haven't actually got anything to talk about? Our only policy is 'send 'em home!' and we all know that's just a bit of banter. I bet they won't even ask about the really silly stuff - our bizarre nonsensical approach to council tax and ban on pensioners' bus passes - instead they'll be like 'stop being racist' and we'll be all 'we're not racist'. Ha! It's stupidity gone mad - vote BNP to privatise the BBC!'

Wednesday 21 October 2009

A letter from Comrade Nick

Fellow British Patriot

Question Time is scheduled for 10.35pm tomorrow evening (Thursday) and will be a milestone in the indomitable march of the British National Party towards saving our country.

Our violent opponents on the far Left have promised to lay siege and barricade the studio venue, because they know only too well that this could be THE key moment that propels the BNP into the big time.

Never before have we had the chance to present our patriotic, common sense solutions to Britain's nightmare situation to the public at large in such a prominent fashion.

However, members and supporters must be aware that this show will be a stage-managed farce organised in a specific way to leave several impressions.

The audience will be hand-picked and overtly hostile - thus giving the impression that the British people at large must be hostile to BNP views.

The panellists will be overtly hostile, even the non-political guests will be hostile.

Everyone will be hostile - this will leave the impression to non-informed viewers that BNP views have minority status.

I will, no doubt, be interrupted, shouted down, slandered, put on the spot, and subject to a scrutiny that would be a thousand times more intense than anything directed at other panellists.

It will, in other words, be political blood sport.

But I am relishing this opportunity, and I know that, despite the stage-managed hostile audience and panellists, YOU, the ordinary members, supporters and voters of the BNP, will be in the studio with me as I take on the corrupt, treacherous swine destroying our beautiful island nation.

Yours sincerely for Britannia

Nick Griffin MEP

Chairman, BNP*


As the summer wore on, and the windmill neared completion, the rumours of an impending treacherous attack grew stronger and stronger. Frederick, it was said, intended to bring against them twenty men all armed with guns, and he had already bribed the magistrates and police, so that if he could once get hold of the title-deeds to Animal Farm they would ask no questions. Moreover, terrible stories were leaking out from Pinchfield about the cruelties Frederick had practiced upon his animals. He had flogged an old horse to death, he had starved his cows, he had killed a dog by throwing into a furnace, he amused himself in the evenings by making cocks fight with splinters of razor blades tied to their spurs. The animal's blood boiled with rage when they heard of these things being done to their comrades, and sometimes they clamoured to be allowed to go out in a body and attack Pinchfield Farm, drive out the humans, and set the animals free. But Squealer counselled them to avoid rash actions and trust in Comrade Napoleon's strategy.

* Note: This letter is real. It was sent out to BNP supporters by their play-dough faced fascist leader today. Despite its explicit silliness and comedic levels of paranoia, I did not make it up. I may have added the Orwell bit though.

Chief egglayer

Vile anti-Mail 'hashtag' campaign nears completion

Word has reached the Quail's nest that a band of militant anti-Daily Mail leftist PC brigade cyber terrorists are attempting to group all of the links to silly Mail bashing articles on pointless celebrity miniblogging website Twitter.

To do so, they need a short, catchy, and memorable phrase to use as a so-called 'hashtag'. We don't really understand what this does, but it's almost certainly very childish and should be ignored by anyone who sees it.

However, in order to find and ban this sick campaign, we need your votes on what you think the best 'hashtag' might be. Current suggestions can be seen on the poll to the left of this post; the tag with the most votes by Saturday will be used to group all of the raving liberal rantings targeting the Mail. If you have any more suggestions for potential hashtags, feel free to leave them in the comments and they will be added to the poll. Actually they won't, because the poll's locked now. Ho hum.

Tuesday 20 October 2009

The new, easy way to read the Mail!

We would like to take this opportunity to congratulate MailOnline for being the most popular national newspaper website for the third month in a row, with 28.8m unique users in the month of August.

This is marginally more traffic than The Quail receives from BNP members confused by irony and Google image searches for 'Cheryl Cole naked' on a Saturday night. Of course, MailOnline never uses such low tactics to boost web traffic and has rightly gained its spot at the top of the ABCe charts thanks to a peerless mix of brilliant writing, fair and balanced reporting, finger-on-the-button understanding of new media, and incisive polling.

However, we realise that clicking on links to MailOnline from this blog, and others, can be a time consuming source of minor irritation that the modern man could do without. As for modern women, well, they should be at home making dinner and having children.

Anyway, with this in mind, the Quail is glad to support 'Mail No More', a handy service that renders online Mail articles in double-quick time, stripped bare of unsightly advertisements and unpleasant images of the author's face. Simply copy the MailOnline URL into 'No More Mails' 'Mail No More' and enjoy your poorly written, unresearched bile fix without forcing those poor MailOnline advertisers to pay more for the privilege of your visit!

Think of it as doing your bit for the big corporations struggling through the recession. We're fairly sure the Mail won't miss your custom - chances are they hate you anyway (if you're gay, female, working class, upper class, a 1st, 2nd or 3rd generation immigrant, work in the public sector, earn more or less than the national average wage, do a "non-job", are a postman, a student, a liberal, or a Muslim, or if you watch the BBC)

The Quail will continue (for the moment) to link to the Mail as we feel that discussion of the various illuminating articles contained within Britain's most influential newspaper requires an appreciation of the original, and that linking to back-up copies of MailOnline pages might run the risk of costly squabbles with certain organisations over copyright and traffic leeching.

Thanks to Chris Grice for creating MNM, and Simon N Ricketts for pimping it.

Sunday 18 October 2009

When is a Ferrari not a Ferrari?

'You're only as old as the women on your arm...or in Rod Stewart's case, the car you drive', said the Daily Mail today in what experts have called 'an insult to journalism'.

Attempting to sound like they'd done more than 1 second's research and that their 'article' wasn't just a pathetic excuse to print some pictures of a shiny car, a blonde woman and an old pop star, they went on to explain:

The ageing rocker showed he still has passion for boys toys as he took one of his many sports cars, a baby blue Ferrari Gallardo, out for a spin around Hollywood...The singer has a penchant for Ferraris.

And, it would appear, Lamborghinis.

(h/t Martin Robbins)

Friday 16 October 2009

JAN MOIR: Why there's nothing natural about these gays

It was bound to happen.

The moment Stephen Gately came out in 1999, selfishly mortifying legions of young female fans in the process, I had him marked as a dead man walking.

Through the recent untimely demises of Michael Jackson, Heath Ledger, and Richard Whiteley, fans have become resigned to finding out that their heroes were probably at least a bit gay and thus doomed to an early grave. There are few things as sad as a young girl finding out that the idol whose image adorns her bedroom walls has died - or even worse, is homosexual. Sadly, it is becoming all too common to find that, inevitably, both are true.

There are millions of household names out there that are ticking timebombs of fatal gay. Their damaging lifestyle choices only lead to one thing - certain death, whether it be of one of those gay diseases you read about like Herpes, or just gay itself (a proven immune system inhibitor).

Danni, Simon, Cheryl, Louis - especially Louis - we all know they're at least 12% gay. And it's not hateful to anticipate, or even look forward to, their terrible end at the hands of modern gay: a pink shirt, an appearance at Pride, or a scarf that's just that little bit too dainty, all herald impending doom.

That fateful morning after 12 hours binging on mojitos and 'Slippery Nipples' (or strong brown ale if it's a lesbian), a body is found face down in the gutter, an outline of sparkly body paint marking the place at which gay finally caught up with the sufferer and the soul was taken from the body by angels in denim hotpants. We've heard the story countless times before.

And yet, somehow, most people never expected it of Stephen. Not the cute one with the big blue eyes from Boyzone. He was all the things that homosexuals aren't: clean, nicely dressed, and polite. People thought he was safe, because he wasn't that gay. But let's be clear - it doesn't matter how queer you are. Even the merest hint of mincing in a man's stride, or glancing at another chaps's todger in the gym shower or those deadly honey-traps of unsuspecting straight men everywhere, the gent's lavatories, is enough to usher imminent death.

And so it was with Gately. After going out "clubbing" (a euphemism for hanging around the loos with a tell-tale pink feathered hat, the accepted sign of availability), he and "his" husband retired to their hotel room with a pretty young Bulgarian boyman. Now I'm not homophobic, but it's safe to assume they weren't just going back for a quick game of snakes & ladders. More like just plain old snakes, if you know what I mean. In case you don't though, I mean gay stuff. You know what they're into - hanging each other like that other possibly gay Hutchence man did, spanking, dressing up as ladies, knife swallowing, and bear-baiting. If one is to indulge in such dangerous persuits of carnal pleasure, one must be prepared for the consequences. Did we learn nothing from the hapless Sodomites?

Precisely what happened before, during, or after the salacious triumvirate returned to their hotel I don't know, but it's quite obvious that it was something icky that almost certainly led to poor Stephen's death. I'm no expert, or medical professional, nor do I know most of the facts, and I haven't really bothered reading about the case or asking anyone, but with cases like this you don't need to.

Some might say the death and the fact that the deathee was gay are unconnected. To them, I say: 'no'. Look at the facts - he died, and he was gay. Therefore he died of gay. If a young, healthy man dies whilst suffering from a cold, obviously nobody would suggest that the cold had killed him, but with gay it's different. Medical reasons, and that. Isn't it? Yes, I think it is.

The post-mortem 'established' that Gately died from fluid on the lungs. I'm sure he did, but why is nobody asking the crucial question: 'How did that fluid get there? Was it from gay?' Let's be clear, these are no 'natural causes'. Normal, heterosexual men of 33 don't just climb into their pyjamas, curl up and cease to be. First of all, they don't wear pyjamas because they're straight. But most importantly, people under the age of 50 just don't die.

Do you know any straight people under the age of 50 who are dead? I don't. Well, I used to know this chap, but he died at 29 from cardiac arrest, a distinctly non-gay thing to die of. Anyway, I don't know him now, so the point is valid.

Gately's family has maintained that drugs had nothing to do with their son's death, but, as everybody knows, drugs and homosexuality go hand in hand like two lesbians at a stripclub. Another recent gay death proves it. Kevin McGee, the former husband "of" Little Britain star Matt Lucas died after a homosexually charged drug binge.

The dubious events (by which I mean gay stuff again) of Gately's last night raise troubling questions. It is important that the truth comes out - and not "medical" truth, or the ruling of some officious, poorly trained foreign coroner, but a string of ex-boyfriends to tells us all the dirty secrets of Gately's past. Only then can we be safe in the knowledge that this tragedy was all because of gay.

More: Hagley Road to Ladywood: Sickening homophobia
Enemies of Reason: Why there is nothing natural about the life of Jan Moir

Update ++

All hosted advertisements have been removed from Jan Moir's article, possibly as a result of this. The headline has also been changed.

I wouldn't be overly surprised if the article is removed entirely quite soon.

Mini-update: Now the article has been pulled from MailOnline's search function...

Tuesday 13 October 2009

The Carter-Ruck school of viral marketing

How to ensure maximum publicity for your new gagging order

Marketing experts were stunned today at the success of media law firm Carter-Ruck's high profile 'gagging order' campaign, designed to generate buzz around their client Trafigura's latest toxic waste product.

Brand awareness for the British oil company, described as 'absurdly evil' by insiders, rocketed after a cryptic viral 'seed' appeared in yesterday's The Guardian. The mysterious message simply read:

Today's published Commons order papers contain a question to be answered by a minister later this week. The Guardian is prevented from identifying the MP who has asked the question, what the question is, which minister might answer it, or where the question is to be found.

The Guardian is also forbidden from telling its readers why the paper is prevented – for the first time in memory – from reporting parliament. Legal obstacles, which cannot be identified, involve proceedings, which cannot be mentioned, on behalf of a client who must remain secret.

Within nanoseconds, bloggers, Twitterers and possibly even Bebo users were speculating on the exciting true identity of the shadowy litigator responsible for the gag. Less than a minute later, 187,000 Twitter users simultaneously discovered that oil giant Trafigura was the subject of a Parliamentary question and flooded the interwebs with 'Gotcha!' messages.

Public awareness of the brand name 'Trafigura' leaped by around 700%, up from 0.1% market penetration the day before. A spokesman said: 'This is a great result. Nobody had heard of us or our toxic waste dumping practices until Carter-Ruck got involved. This kind of publicity is priceless!'

An industry analyst said: 'It's been a clever job, making great use of viral and self-facilitating media nodes. Brands are starting to realise that to really make a splash you need to go the extra mile, do something big and zany - Carter-Ruck's strategy of assaulting British democracy and raping the very concept of free speech delivered an incredible awareness boost.

However, they couldn't have done it without the Guardian. I think this demonstrates the growing importance of tightly integrated cross-platform actionplanned thoughtleader bacterial germination multi-maven campaigns.'

The campaign ended at 13:08 today, but it is hoped that awareness of Trafigura's toxic waste products will endure. 'It was a shock-and-awe approach', said a man, 'but we're hoping that doesn't necessarily mean a short-tail. Hopefully people will still recognise the name Trafigura and remember Carter-Ruck in the run up to Christmas.'

See also: Chicken Yoghurt and The Graun: Probo Koala
And from Layscience: Trafigura: A Carter-Ruck Fuck-Up

Friday 9 October 2009

Horror as study finds 1 in 3 people in the world is Christian...and 42m live in Britain

The Global Spread of Christianity - special report by Claude

The Muslim-obsessed Daily Mail is currently making a big deal out of a recent report claiming that "almost one in four people in the world are Muslim".

"The project", the article continues, "presents a portrait of the Muslim world that might surprise some. For example, Germany has more Muslims than Lebanon".

Accompanying the "revelation", Paul Dacre's paper is also sporting a picture of a group of ladies wearing black niqabs, the equivalent of sticking a picture of an Orthodox monk onto an article about "Christianity".

The article, by MAIL FOREIGN SERVICE, continues with the news that 1,647,000 Muslims currently live in Britain, and carries captions such as "THE GLOBAL SPREAD OF ISLAM"- its only purpose being, presumably, to nicely complement the BNP's repeated bombardment about "the Islamic demographic time bomb".

But because we care about our Daily Mail readers' stunted access to information, we thought we'd provide the goods and shed some light on the number of Christians worldwide.

Apparently, 33 per cent of the world's population is Christian. Over 42m adherents live in Britain, which amounts to 71,6 per cent of the UK population.

Figures also present a picure of Christianity that may surprise some. For instance, there are more Christians in India or Pakistan than there are in the Vatican or even in Ireland! You couldn't make it up!

Originally posted on Hagley Road to Ladywood.

Monday 5 October 2009

Oborne the brave conveniently forgets his own newspaper's track record on 'yuman rites'

Special report from Raincoat Optimism

Do we remember when Nick Cohen had a druken pop at two conservative columnists who were shortlisted for the Orwell Prize, he questioned their journalistic braveness (against his Martin Bright standard, who took his right wing ideas to the Statesman – like a man), Peter Hitchens for playing it safe in the Mail, and Oborne for much the same reason. Well I wonder if they took heed, I recently saw Hitchens write a reply to an article mentioning him in the staggers, and today Oborne today wrote a kind of introduction to his new book in favour of the Human Rights Act in the Guardian.

Oborne noted;

Myths abound about the act. These start out as newspaper reports. Soon they enter popular discourse. It is not long before they are used in the speeches of politicians. And yet almost invariably they are fabrications, or sometimes even outright lies. In our book we provide numerous examples. It is widely reported that hardcore pornography is available in prison thanks to the act, that the police cannot put up “wanted” posters thanks to it, and that it prevented Britain deporting Learco Chindamo, the killer of headteacher Philip Lawrence. All these stories – and many others – have distorted and poisoned public discourse on the Human Rights Act. They are false.

These myths (and/or major criticisms) about Human rights, I wondered, in which newspapers would they be likely to appear in, remembering for a moment who Oborne’s employers are? Perhaps this Metro report can help us. Of course the Metro are owned by Associated Newspapers (as are the Daily Mail). Does Oborne despair over this, perhaps not enough, causing one interested blogger to ask ‘why Obore didn’t write that in his Mail column?!’

This article by Afua Hirsch also details other examples where the Mail were responsible for erroneous reportage on Human rights, in particular the story headlined “The war criminals we cannot deport because of their human rights” which “suggested the Human Rights Act, and not – as is actually the case – a loophole in the UK’s implementation of international law, was to blame for genocide suspects living with impunity in the UK.”

She mentions in her article the case of Denis Nilsen who the press went crazy for when it noted he was allowed to view hardcore pornography as part of his human rights. Oborne himself mentions this in today’s article, as can be seen in the given quote above.

No prizes for guessing which organ of the press also had fun with this story. For those who can’t guess, see here!

Sunday 4 October 2009

As Ireland votes 'yes' to Lisbon treaty, Peter Hitchens blows his verbosity gland

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in the sands of the desert
A shape with bull's body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Lisbon to be born?

With apologies to W.B. Yeats

Thursday 1 October 2009

Mail [doesn't] apologise to gay man; glosses over a century of homophobia

The Daily Mail redeemed itself for 100 years of homophobia tonight by saying sorry to a gay.

The unprecedented apology excuses the newspaper's estimated 17 million cases of gay bashing since since its birth to proud same sex parents Lords Alfred 'Alfie Sparkles' Northcliffe and Harold 'Hazmatazz' Rothermere in 1896, but leaves it open to accusations of political correctness gone mad and pandering to minorities.

An insider said: 'It's political correctness gone mad. When will the Daily Mail stop pandering to minorities?'

Author of the 'Ephraim Hardcastle' gossip column Peter McKay apologised to openly Tory blogger Iain Dale after calling him 'overtly gay' and implying that he was attempting to organise some sort of fruity disco sausage fest by inviting readers of gay newspaper PinkNews to attend a parliamentary selection meeting:

Overtly gay Tory blogger Iain Dale has reached the final stage of parliamentary selection for Bracknell, telling PinkNews: "I hope any PinkNews readers who live in Bracknell will come to the open primary on October 17 to select their new candidate. You don't even have to be a Conservative to attend."

Isn't it charming how homosexuals rally like-minded chaps to their cause?

Dale responded by complaining to the Press Complaints Commission, and McKay* attempted to placate the angry gay with the following:

I must say I'm quite surprised at the furore created by the piece in my
column yesterday. As regular readers will be aware the EH section is meant to be a lighthearted gossip piece and is certainly not meant to be taken

However I understand that perspectives on these things are different for
different people and realise that though no offence was intended, you did indeed find the piece offensive.

I'm certainly happy to offer my fullest apologies for any offence caused
and reflect that I may have made an error of judgement on this occasion.

Of course I'll happily through a few bobbies in the direction of your
nominated charity and hope that all is now fine and dandy.

The offending section of the Hardcastle column has now been removed [update: it's now been reinstated]. Sources say the sincerely self-justifying apology completely makes up for such previous cases of homophobia as the Mail's campaign against gay child-snatching, Melanie Phillips's 'homosexuality is to blame for social breakdown' article, and Richard Littlejohn's entire back catalogue.

A barrel-chested heterosexual spokesman said: 'Thank goodness no high-profile Conservative bloggers have highlighted our rampant homophobia before. We've learned a valuable lesson today: generic bigotry goes unnoticed but gays cause a stink when we single them out. Oh well, at least all is fine and dandy now.'

++ Stop press ++

A clearly contrite Peter McKay follows up his apology with this in today's 'Hardcastle' column:

Tory blogger Iain Dale complains about an item here yesterday...I have nothing against Dale. Nor am I homophobic. But if he wants to become an MP, surely he'll have to become a little less sensitive. Incidentally, the Tories are having their first gay pride event at their Manchester conference next week. They'll promote a new 'gay-friendly' logo, Conservative Pride. Isn't life grand?

The apology was a hoax. Peter McKay has confirmed that he is unrepentant for being a homophobic cretin and that the apology was not penned by him.

A spokesman said: 'We would never apologise to a poof. We might catch queer by proxy somehow.'