Now PC Harman wants to ban wife beating

Abusive husbands were left furious today after a 'controversial' new drive to reduce domestic violence against troublesome women was unveiled by chief feminazi Harriet Harman.

Under the contentious scheme, children as young as five will be taught that time-honoured traditions of men beating their wives when they take too long doing the dishes or refuse sex because they 'have a headache', are no longer acceptable in today's politically correct, ultra-feminised society.

Shockingly, boys will be indoctrinated that their female friends are 'people' with so-called 'human rights', and just because girls are weak and over-sensitive doesn't mean it's acceptable to punish them for disobedience.

But imaginary critics warned that ministers are cramming the already over-stuffed National Curriculum with silly lessons that should be taught in the home, and schools should teach proper subjects like maths and fox-hunting instead of focusing on the supposed rights of nagging women.

In a pink, fluffy-lined document spattered with the wooly language of Miss Harman's equality dogma, the Government says the first ever so-called 'Violence Against Women and Girls' strategy is already in production by Government departments, and will be ready to make life harder for boys everywhere this autumn.

It squeals girlishly: 'Our vision is a society where women and girls feel safe and confident in their homes and communities...we want to overcome women's and girls' fear of crime and the gender-based violence that they experience.'

Sources suggest that equality-mad Harman is simply bitter at not being given the same opportunities as men and wants to make life as difficult as possible for the male sex as revenge.

In addition to the brainwashing lessons forced upon children by schools, the Health Service's scant recources are to be hijacked to conduct futile studies into how the treatment of women claiming to be at risk of violence can be improved, and police must waste valuable time that could be spent solving real crimes reviewing alleged incidents of 'domestic violence'.

The plans are being rolled out despite evidence showing that boys and young men are more than twice as likely to fall victim to violence, and that it is in fact young women who are becoming increasingly mean: a staggering 25% of all violent assaults in England and Wales are carried out by vicious ladette women, and it is the most common reason for females to be arrested.

The other 75% of violent assaults are thought to be carried out by transvestites and gays, not men.

In a 'blitzkrieg against the male sex', Harman is also understood to be considering plans to make rape even more difficult to get away with - despite recent news that a massive 1 in every 16 rape accusations results in a conviction.

A local man said tearfully: 'Please, won't somebody think of the men? What am I supposed to do when I come home steaming drunk and she won't put out because she's on? Watch TV?!'

Asked why he despises women so much, hate-filled misogynist James Slack - described as 'unlovable' by his own mother - replied: 'I'll never forget how that bitch Sally poked me in the eye in year four. It really hurt.'

Harriet Harman hates men, pt. 742

Dowdy lady politician Harriet Harman was embroiled in an unpleasant sexism row today after blaming the global recession entirely on anyone with a pork sword and a scrote.

Labour's deputy Leader - guffawfully dubbed Harriet Harperson by The Daily Mail for her absurd views on equality - said something along the lines of 'if it had been Lehman Sisters not Lehman Brothers there might not have been so much difficulty'. Despite being taken ludicrously out of context and actually said by someone else, the comment proves how much Harman hates men.

The former Blair babe also said she would like to see even more women driving companies into the ground instead of staying at home caring for their children: 'I do seriously think that half the financial service industry is women now. Women make up half the workforce on financial institutions and banks. Why shouldn't they have a say on the boards as well?'

An insider said: 'Well obviously they can't have a say on the boards because they're too emotional. And what would happen if there was a meeting when they've, er, got the painters in? All hell would break loose.'

Instead of a reasonable comment on gender balance in the workplace, Harman's outrageous misandry was interpreted by some as an attempt to shore up public support for her own future ambitions on becoming the first girl Prime Minister since Saint Thatcher of Mags in the good old days. Sources say that, if elected, Harman's first move as PM would be to pass legislation banning men wearing trousers at work, instead forcing them into tutus and having them make the tea. She is also believed to be in favour of introducing towering thrones for female employees, while men are to be provided with small, wobbly plastic stools too low to even reach the desk properly.

But her screeching feminism drew a sharp response from John Prescott, who told her to 'stop complaining' and asked on his blog: 'Why take away from the party the right to choose its leaders on the basis of ability?'

Experts agreed the selection system that gave John Prescott the position of Deputy Prime Minister was clearly flawless and Harman should just shut up and do the ironing.

Brownfall caused by sinister sisterhood conspiracy

A Machiavellian sisterhood of power crazed women is responsible for Gordon Brown's spectacular downfall, it was revealed last night.

As the Prime Minister squirmed at news of the four hundred and eighty-sixth cabinet minister to resign in a week, fat male fingers were pointed at the unholy ring of so-called 'Women Against Gordon', or WAGs, for hounding the beleaguered Scot to what many pundits are calling a point of no return in Labour's meltdown.

Scheming female politicians Jacqui Smith, Hazel Blears, Beverley Hughes, Patricia Hewitt, Caroline Flint, Margaret Hodge and Tessa Jowell stand accused by The Daily Mail of being 'more loyal to each other than their party', orchestrating a series of 'traitorous leaks' and meeting for sexist 'girls only dinner parties' where they would gossip about male MPs and discuss shoes and other silly lady things.

The mysterious 'Daily Mail Reporter' - lett's call him "Quentin" for the sake of convenience - painted a vividly misogynistic picture of 'months of seething rancour and regular WAGs' whingeing sessions over pesto and pasta meals washed down with glasses of chianti', which eventually 'coalesced into something more lethal - a concerted assassination attempt on the Prime Minister.'

It was like 'The Night of the Long Stilettos,' the anonymous journalist added hilariously.

But more than just twisting the kitchen knife in Brown's already bruised frame, the WAGs have done little other than embarrass themselves, 'Quentin' claims: 'The truth is that all they have left is an undignified loyalty to their own careers'. Hazel Blears' departure was 'petulant and graceless', while Harriet Harman (also referred to variously throughout the article as 'Mother Superior' and Harriet Harperson - hahahaha!) conveys an image of 'treachery in high heels'. Wadabitch.

Harman is painted as an 'obsessive busybody social engineer' who helped shape an absurd 'politically correct, pro-women agenda'.

Caroline Flint, the only remotely attractive one out of the lot of them, will probably be the next 'mutineer', predicts 'Quentin' insightfully. He can tell.

Any why are these awful career woman Mandarins so bent on destroying cuddly Mr Brown and the rest of the political patriarchy that we all love and cherish, instead of staying home to care for the kids?

Quentin provides a subtle but telling clue from Harman's past: twenty years ago she co-authored a policy pamphlet described by critics as a 'a staggering attack on men and their role in modern life'.

Just in case you couldn't work that out, he adds: 'The Sisterhood's revenge on [the male] sex has finally scored a direct hit.' Yes. For women in power, it's all about revenge and undermining poor old men.

See also: UK women politicians not up to scratch, says bookish nerd
and: Polly Toynbee: Another bladdy scheming woman out to get our men