LITTLEJOHN: US healthcare is way better than the NHS

From international correspondent Claude

"Thank heavens my sick mum wasn't at the mercy of the NHS", writes the Daily Mail commentator from his Florida mansion.

"In Britain" - Littlejohn (expat) says- "[i]f you are unfortunate enough to get admitted to hospital, there's a good chance of contracting a fatal disease once you're in there, as a result of the criminally negligent standards of hygiene".

Ask your mates, family, colleagues. If you haven't heard off them in a while, it's because they were admitted to hospital where they soon caught an NHS-generated 'fatal disease' and died.

Why else do you think ZaNu Labour keep ushering in tens of millions of immigrants (which you can't say the Daily Mail didn't warn you about)? It's to cover up the mass deaths on the NHS.

Medical treatment is undoubtedly expensive in the U.S., but the majority of people are happy with what their money buys. Look at me on 800K a year. Surely it's what most people earn, (unless they're the kind who happily scrounge the high sums as offered by our ZaNu Labour government), but I've got the insurance, and I'm happy with it, so what's the bleedin problem?

Like, mum's medical bills this time are being picked up by her car insurance policy, which covers up to $1 million in hospital expenses, as you do. We all have to pay motor insurance, so why not insure our health, too? They're clearly the same thing. Like, clearly. Car insurance is not there to cover my ass in case I cripple some pedestrian loser who may get runover while I ride around my 4x4. No. It's there to protect meeeeeee. So it should be the same with health.

Surely from all that money you get from ZaNu Labour you can find a penny or two for medical insurance, just like all Americans do without any problem.

What you're on about millions get rejected on a technicality when they're diagnosed with cancer? I don't know anyone who got that? Do you?

What? Losing their insurance when they lose their job? It never happened to meeeeee, so surely you're just making it up because you're yet another loony lefty.

And it's not as if the NHS is 'free' anyway. You couldn't make it up, but it costs billions, which is a disgrace when there are only 60 million people to look after. I mean, how expensive can the NHS be really? Do away with waste and unnecessary expenditure, sack the bureaucrats (especially those who've got a 20-stone lover) and, pronto, it'll cost a fraction of that.

I am not seeking to denigrate the British doctors and nurses, but I am haunted by the thought of what might have happened to my 81-year-mum if she had still been living in Essex, at the mercy of the NHS, and not in America.

Because, in Britain, 81-year-old mums never, ever, EVER, get treated on the NHS. Unheard of.

Outrage over political correctness gone made up forces council U-turn

Daily Mail readers were jubilant today after forcing Flintshire county council to reverse a fictional case of political correctness gone mad.

Outraged letter writers, none of whom actually live in Flintshire, inundated the council with poorly written diatribes accusing town hall bureaucrats of eroding British heritage by banning the traditional English dish after reading about it in the Mail.

Councillor Klaus Armstrong-Braun, who was interviewed by a Canadian radio station about the issue, said: 'Spotted Dick is part of our heritage. It's political correctness gone mad.'

Despite the inaccuracy of the original Mail article in suggesting that Spotted Dick had been the victim of censorious council executives, pathological liar Richard Littlejohn decided to highlight the case in his twice-weekly diary of political correctness gone mad and comedic human rights abuses. Making it up, he snorted: 'killjoy canteen chiefs at Flintshire council have banned Spotted Dick', ignoring the fact that in reality it had simply been renamed because kitchen staff were tired of an employee making the same unfunny joke about its name every single day.

With a resigned sigh, the council's chief executive Colin Everett said today that the great desert renaming debacle was due to the 'childish comments of one regular customer', and that 'Flintshire County Council will now observe proper tradition and refer to all dishes by their proper name.'

Reports that the Klaus Armstrong-Braun was the source of the daily 'spotted penis' jokes are being investigated. A spokeshomosexual for Richard Littlejohn said: 'This is a victory for victims of imaginary political correctness gone mad everywhere. Just because something isn't true doesn't mean you can't do something about it. Wahey!'

h/t: The Media Blog

Keep spreading the love, Littlejohn fans!

A quick update on what some poorly informed journalists might call a 'Google bomb'.


The Quail's Littlejohn fan banners are now first row Google image results for the terms 'Richard Littlejohn political correctness gone mad' and 'you couldn't make it up'. Likewise, searching for the Floridian columnist's name along with the words 'mbongo mbingo', and 'Tolstoy' throws up the banners as the first result and third line result respectively.

Win!

I'm well aware of how much love you all have for the straight-talking, repressed, homosexually obsessed Mail man, so I imagine you're asking yourselves how you can help promote the Littlejohn banner collection to spread word of his genius even further. Here are a couple of suggestions.

First, if you're writing about RL on your blog, linking his name to the image location of the banners will help push them higher in Google's image results (click the banner to find the image URL in your address bar. It will look like this.) You don't have to actually use the picture in your post if you don't want to, so long as the text is linked; Google will read the text and associate it with the remote image.

Similarly, if you're writing about him and you use the words 'You couldn't make it up', or 'political correctness gone mad', a link to the image URL will help boost search engine ranking of the pictures.

Secondly, the more people who use the banners on their own blogs, the better! Feel free to nick them for your own use, but if you do, make sure you enter 'Richard Littlejohn' and the phrase being used (ie, 'political correctness gone mad') as alt text. If you post the image to your blog or website by grabbing the image's URL from the Quail, you don't have to do anything as this is already set, but if you save it and upload it yourself, just make sure to save the copy with a relevant title such as 'Richard Littlejohn' or 'you couldnt make it up', and also to edit the alt="" image HTML (this blog shows you how). This helps searchbots understand what they're looking at.

Third, sit back, relax, and congratulate yourself on helping spread the Littlejohn love!

P.S. This is the sixth image result for 'Richard Littlejohn', and is one of the most grotesquely brilliant pictures I've ever seen.

LITTLEBRAIN: The inconvenient truth about Britain's worst columnist

The preposterous figure of Richard Littlejohn has apparently been reincarnated as something called a Daily Mail ‘columnist’. That’s a new one on me. Wasn’t Keith Waterhouse called a columnist?

I’ve no idea what a columnist does, but I would imagine it involves a lot of first-class research, investigation and considered, astute opinionating. There’s probably a hefty salary thrown in, too.

Littlejohn is in Florida as usual this week, delivering a lecture on how an MP is being paid too much to waffle on about rubbish he's not qualified to talk about. That’s right, he lives halfway round the world and yet somehow feels entitled to judge British politicians and pontificate that Britian is going to hell in a handcart - while enjoying a pay package that overshadows MP's pay by around 600%.

Don’t people like Littlejohn have any idea how ridiculous they are?

What astonishes me is that anyone, especially in my trade, takes him seriously. Littlejohn is a circus act. Come to think of it, that puppy in the Andrex adverts has considerably more gravitas than him.

Yet, in some quarters, he’s treated as a proper person. Richard used to have his own show on Sky News, and has been honoured as 'one of the most influential "journalists" of the last 40 years'. The Guardian even reviewed his turgid, critically derided book as if it were an authentic contribution to English literature.

The only thing authentic about this old fraud is his hatred of Britain, hackneyed, tiresome hypocrisy and self-importance.

I didn’t christen him Littlebrain without reason. This was the man described as a 'medical mystery' when doctors discovered his head contains nothing but gollywog stuffing and mucus, and that the walnut sized cluster of cells euphemistically described as his 'brain' is in fact located in his scrotum.

Once he returns from his gated mansion in Florida, he will embark on a tour of Britain, lecturing schoolchildren about political correctness gone mad, and teaching them how to spell fone-ettik-lee. We can assume he won’t be making it up.

We are asked to believe that he is a born-again Bernard Manning just 'telling it like it is' - including his contempt for foreigners and regular derision of 'poovery'. But according to the Graun, he is obsessed with homosexuality and is himself an immigrant to his adopted country.

All you need to know about Littlejohn is that the rest of the world ignores him, while here in Britain thousands of people believe he's a proper writer and should probably be the next Prime Minister.

In one sense, I suppose you could argue that Littlejohn was a success, since he gets paid a whopping £800k a year for his job at the Mail, despite even his own readers starting to realise he's just a lying, intolerant, misinformed, bilious old twat of a shit who thinks his readers are so thick that they'll lap up whatever nonsense he vomits up in his crushingly unfunny columns.

That inconvenient truth has not deterred his continued employment by the Mail, even though sales are plummeting and profits hitting rock bottom.

Paul Dacre's ridiculous obsession with ‘Dickie Littlebrain’ is just another example of how out of touch newspaper editors are with their audience, and the very concept of journalism.

As a result, the Mail is facing the looming prospect of staff cuts and ever decreasing circulation in the not-too-distant future.

But you won’t find Littlejohn fretting about joblessness in his turreted mansion.

Just as MailOnline gets enough traffic to celebrate its dominance of the British newspaper website arena, so Littlejohn, too, thinks that the little people are actually visiting MailOnline to read his column, ignoring the truth that the vast majority are turning up just to take the piss and marvel at the fact that such a loathsome bore is capable of such dim-witted rubbish week after week.

A more self-righteous, deluded ass you’d be hard-pressed to find outside of, er, the pages of The Daily Mail.

But our esteemed ‘columnist’ will relax in the rear seat of his limo or down on the Keys, tucking into the finest food paid for by his massive newspaper salary. And to hell with the dwindling readership, flood of negative comments and utter lack of respect from any other writers.

He will continue to leave a trail of faeces-stained, poorly constructed analogies as he sits in America tapping away at his typewriter, lecturing the rest of us on how we’re all responsible for Broken Britain and elf'n'safety gone mad.

In the great debate about nonexistent political correctness, this freeloading, flatulent, bile-spouting fool is about as relevant as the Paul Dacre's opinions of journalistic integrity and press freedom.

Also see Tabloid Watch for more discussion of today's Littlebrain column, including the story of Uncle Dick's abject inability to use Google.

Semi-regular Littlejohn comment watch

I don't really want to cover the fruit porn story again, but I would like to quickly draw your attention to the comment thread on 'Father's outrage over Maoam wrapper', which appears to have been left entirely unmoderated, resulting in comments mentioning The Quail, Enemies of Reason and even MailWatch, and about 300 others laughing at the Mail for running what is very probably a spoof letter.

Is this what all Mail comment threads would look like without any form of moderation?

Nobody at the Mail was available to comment last night on suggestions that as much as 95% of traffic to MailOnline is comprised of piss-takers, and that the other 5% is very probably made up of lost web surfers looking for Lily Allen nip-slip pics and Peaches Geldof upskirts.

Moving on to today's Littlejohn word ejaculation, in which he ungeniously compares New Labour to the Big Brother house, and the comments underneath aren't quite as informed as on the hot fruit love piece.

John from Wales says, 'TO QUOTE A WELL KNOWN PHRASE YOU COULDNT MAKE IT UP', while 'grannygrump' from Bolton chimes in, 'To use one of your phrases, Richard, YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT UP!' - both somewhat ironic given that Littlejohn has quite clearly made this up. It's a satire, so it has been literally made up. Even Littlejohn would admit that in the process of writing about 'housemate' Blair and gay contestant 'Mandy', he had to, by definition, make it up. Or do John and grannigrump actually believe that New Labour's base of operations is the Big Brother house?

We were, however, delighted to learn that our own comment was allowed through (without editing this time!) despite getting the columnist's name wrong, expressing our inability to understand the article, mis-spelling 'Nu Lab', using a ridiculous amount of exclamatory punctuation, rambling absurdly off topic, and mentioning that Richard isn't even a British citizen:


Remember, kids: Littlejohn's columns are still pre-moderated. Someone actually decided that the above would meaningfully add to the debate.

Equally pleasing was to find esteemed comment stalwart Bob Roberts only a few positions above, who braved 242 red arrows to deconstruct 'John's' article rather nicely:


Good work Bob.

Successful commenting on Littlejohn columns

The Quail's otherwise exhaustive guide to successful Daily Mail commenting last month failed to mention one important thing: comment editing.

One of the Comment Guardians' primary tasks to ensure agreement with the Mail columnists at all costs. While this means outright rejection of most comments, there are some cases where a comment contains acceptable levels of agreement only to be let down by ambiguous - possibly dissident - material. In such cases the commenter's positive comments will be retained, while the more troubling elements are judiciously removed.

For example, this:


Becomes this:


Note the mandatory 'Littlejohn for PM!' platitude, ensuring successful publication of some form, plus repitition of the columnist's own words and phrases, i.e., 'macBroon'. Don't worry if it makes no sense whatsoever or suggests complete failure to understand the subject matter - these two simple rules guarantee a nod from the moderators.

See also: MailOnline hacked by leftist thought police
Incredibly stupid comment passes moderation on MailOnline shocker

Littlejohn's back! Show your support with our free banners

Everyone loves Dick Littlejohn.

The fearless Floridian's outspoken, tell-it-like-it-isn't, old fashioned brand of intolerance has earned him a dedicated - slavish perhaps - following, and a hefty paycheque.

Despite persecution from the liberal elite and endless censorship by the PC brigade, Richard unfailingly delivers the very same no-holds-barred incitement to hatred week in, week out, to the extent that many of his columns almost seem like rehashes of previous poorly written diatribes.

His custard-sharp wit has made him as much an enemy of the left as he is a hero to the neuronally challenged. No target is too small or too tragic for our favourite columnist - who could forget his dismissal of the Rwandan genocide as an inconsequential squabble between two amusingly named tribes, or the five murdered women hilariously denigrated for being disgusting whores who deserved to die?

It's high time Littlejohn fans stood up to the loony pinko naysayers and paraded their Littlejohn love for all to see. With this in mind, the Quail is providing four exclusive free Dickie Littlejohn banners to wave derisively in the faces of the progressive intelligentsia who despise our fair country so much; a collection of moving images that collectively scream: 'I'm unable to think rationally and I'm not afraid to show it!'

Use them as you see fit - word of Richard Littlejohn's contribution to society needs spreading as much as possible. All I ask is that you provide a link back to this page so others can experience the full, sensual collection.

A post-modern comment on Dick's favourite slogan

Evoking fond memories of African genocide

Who could forget Dick's masterful demolition of Will Self on BBC radio Five Live?

This glorious tri-colour rendering of Dick is sure to enrage the PC brigade

Bonus! Special Littlejohn profile pictures available on that Twitter.

Don't miss next week's giveaway: the limited edition Melanie Phillips gardening set, complete with "Satan's" pitchfork, and high-powered Muslim beard/hedge cutter.

The Quail's guide to successful commenting

A number of readers have expressed concern that comments made underneath Daily Mail articles never see the light of day. Many assume that some malevolent leftist force is at work - possibly the PC brigade - working tirelessly to suppress freedom of expression in one of the country's finest newspapers. It's that thought police. Isn't it?

Well, no. Such suspicions, fortunately, are unfounded.

While it is true that getting a comment published on Daily Mail articles is often a frustrating and ethically questionable exercise in futility, it is not an impossible task. Follow a few simple rules and the comment guardians will gladly accomodate your misinformed rantings alongside such luminaries of the commentariat as Cllr Chris Cooke, Dave (expat) or perhaps even the incandescent Jacqui Weems of Southampton.

The first - and most obvious - rule of Mail commenting is to always agree with the article. Nobody likes a troublemaker and, ferchrissakes, there's a reason why these journalists get paid to write this stuff while you sit at home in your dressing gown bellowing pointlessly at the internet with nobody around to hear: the hacks are always right. If they weren't, they wouldn't be working for Britain's most influential newspaper would they?

Secondly, spend some time becoming versed in the vocabulary of the permanently outraged. Angry people who read the Mail identify one another by way of a particular set of linguistic cues, known as 'lazy rage inspired metaphones.' For example, when referring to 'people', Mail commenters divide the species into two distinct subgroups; good people (known as 'taxpayers') and bad people (referred to variously as 'students', 'the unemployed', or 'immigrants'). Our Prime Minister is known as 'MacBroon', and the party he represents is 'Za Nu liar bore' (often shortened to 'ZaNulab' or even 'Nulab') Your comment will not pass moderation unless it adheres to these simple lexical principles. [Study the Daily Mail dictionary if you need inspiration.]


The third rule to remember is that all comments should strike a balance between patriotism and utter disdain for this country. Remember, you love Britain - or you would if it weren't for its geography, the Government, the majority of the population, the weather, and the BBC. These are all shameful aspects of Great Britain that you should mock with vitriol, but you must never criticise the country itself or compare it infavourably to other nations. Only Stalinist Guardianistas do that.


Fourth, bear in mind that everyone else is absolutely insane and the only reason any organisation does anything is to ruin everything and pander to minorities. If you're commenting on a Mail article, feel proud that you're among a very small group of people blessed with the extraordinary ability to see through the liberal fog that clouds the judgement of everyone else on the planet. This especially applies to courts, which only make judgements based on the opposite of common sense - or 'uncommon nonsense' - and scientists, who make everything up simply to grab your tax pounds from irresponsible money-burning Government quangos. For these reasons, use as many exclamation marks as possible in your comments and illustrate your thesis by asking rhetorical questions to demonstrate your inability to even begin to cope with the madness of everyone else.

The above are general guidelines. Specific types of article demand a particular type of comment; when discussing legal action taken by a minority against a company, for example, a race claim, you MUST use the words 'Here we go again!!!' and make reference to the fact the complainant was simply motivated by the prospect of a large cash settlement. Any piece regarding so-called 'global warming' must imply that 'climate change' is nothing more than a Government conspiracy to increase taxes and that sea levels aren't going to rise because if you put an ice-cube in a glass of water and it melts, the water level doesn't rise. Richard Littlejohn's columns require a brief interjection about how he should be the Prime Minister.


It is prudent to quickly discuss style guidelines. Comments that misCapitalise random words, punctuate like a small child with an ellipsis machine gun, insert inappropriate symbols such as '#' and '/', and SHOUT at least one in five words, will stand a far greater chance of passing moderation. The comment guardians pay little due to one's ability to write accurately - poorly expressed views display an admirable passion for the topic, while simultaneously demonstrating that a high school education is unnecessary when the University of Life has shaped your world view.


Study the above carefully and before you know it, you'll have comments published daily. There's nothing like seeing your own inarticulate drivel slouching proudly beside the nation's most misinformed people.

Mail readers approve of gypsies standing where they can see them

Proposals to reduce pickpocketing in GP's surgeries by forcing gypsies to stand where people can see them have met with a chorus of approval from Daily Mail readers.

Patients queuing in NHS surgeries had expressed concern that travellers and immigrants standing behind them created an 'uncomfortable' atmosphere because you just can't tell what they're doing back there. Nigel, from Berkton, said: 'You can't be too careful. Pickpocketing is a way of life for pikeys, so letting them stand behind us is political correctness gone beserk. They should be in front where we can see what they're up to.'

In a definitive poll, 94% of people said they supported NHS measures to make thieving gypsies jump queues of vulnerable patients who might otherwise be robbed. However, future Prime Minister Richard Littlejohn expressed concern that the guidelines might allow members of the travelling community access to the same level of healthcare that everyone else has, costing the British taxpayer tens of pounds in the process.

Littlecockjohn said: 'While it doesn't directly affect an American resident like myself, I object to the fundamental principle of equality for those who are different to me. What have The Tarmacing Community ever done to deserve so-called 'human rights?'

See also: Littlejohn and the BNP at Tabloid Watch
and: Mail pwn3d at Enemies of Reason
plus! The Tweet that made it happen

Muslim race claim chef refused to make traditional English food

Yet another Muslim has launched a discrimination claim against his employer for asking him to do something perfectly normal that no ordinary English person would object to - probably just to offend YOU.

Money grabbing Hasanali Khoja, 60, claims that being asked to cook sausages at his job with the Metropolitan Police amounted to 'religious discrimination' - because Islam 'forbids' its adherents from handling pork.

But when bosses at the West London station where Mr Khoja worked offered to let him wear gloves and use tongs while preparing traditional '999 breakfasts', he refused, alleging that he still wouldn't be protected from splashes of fat.

'The reason for this refusal is because of the fact it is well known that if you are cooking bacon or sausages, which I was asked to do, I was exposed to splash and contact with pork which I object to. Gloves and tongs would not make any difference', he whined.

Mr Khoja also says he was greeted with derogatory gestures and face pulling when he raised concerns over the handling of pork, and no attempt was made by human resources managers to find a resolution to the situation. He had previously been assured during an interview for his post that he would not be required to cook bacon or sausages.

The story was originally reported in virtually identical form over 6 months ago, leading commenters dumbfounded that somebody could stick to their absurd religious 'beliefs' so annoyingly:

Respected columnist Richard Littlejohn agreed, asking: 'Whoever heard of a chef being excused pork?' before adding hilariously: 'Naturally, [Khoja] now wants a large sum of money by way of com-pen-say-shun'.

It remains unclear why Littlejohn is unable to write words containing more than four syllables without spelling them phonetically. A sauce said: 'He really is just that thick'.

RICHLITTLE: The answer is simple

Awight?

Apologies for not posting anything for a while, I've been busy buzzing round the Everglades out the back of the ol' maison on my spanking new airboat ain't I?

Well, that and these weblog things are fucking shit. Don't pay enough, no sirree, not like the mountainous wage I receive from my old mate Dacre. That's where the money's at, nyoos-papahs, and don't tell let anyone tell you it's not. Keeps me comfy anyway. I just laugh at all those other 'real' journalists losing their jobs as their liberal rags shut down. Ha! You don't get ahead for talking sense you muppets!

So, anyway, thought I'd write a bit about those fucking Talibans that got caught bang to rights for plotting a very big terrorist attack on shopping centres or football grounds or whatever in Manchester. I wrote some shit about that Darling bloke and his wife having breakfast too, like, where I made up some stuff they might have said - it seemed funny at the time (I was pissed) but actually, looking back at it, it was pretty shit and didn't even make sense, so I won't go into that now. Even Hitchens said it was bollocks, and when he tells you something's crap, it must be crap! He knows shit writing, that guy. Oh well, what do I care? All about the dollar innit? So long as I get paid, who gives a flying pisspot!

Yeah so these terrorists wanting to blow up landmarks in Manchester. Football grounds for heaven's sake! I ask you, what kind of sick bastard wants to blow up Old Trafford? Bloody Islams, they hate everything we love, they do. They just can't wait to see the look on the faces of those poor little kiddies, turning up on a Saturday with pops to see the match, they can't wait to see them cry when daddy has to say, 'Sorry Timmy, there won't be a game today because the stadium's been blown to smithereens by those fucking Afghanis, or Pakistanis, or wherever their from, it doesn't matter, they're all the same, bloody terrorist states, you know the ones, like Iraq and that other one, Iran, and all the rest of them'. They'd poison all the tea in Eng-er-land if they had half the chance.

Sickos. They love it. They love to see pain on our faces, because they hate us. That's the point of Islam - did you know what Islam means? It means 'Kill the West', or something like that, that's what I heard.

So these twelve, right, they got caught bang to rights they did, with their beards and Korans or whatever it's called and their sacred cows. The evidence couldn't have been more against them: there they were, foreigners, in Manchester, all living in the same house, come over here to study supposedly. Yeah, alright, pull the other one - who in their right mind comes all the way over here to study in Manchester? 'Students', indeed. I never heard such rubbish. The only possible reason for brown people being in Manchester is to blow us to Kingdom come, and just because the coppers didn't find any 'evidence' it doesn't mean they weren't planning on it.

You can never tell what's going through these fanatics' minds. So there wasn't any bomb making equipment - well there would have been if they'd had half a chance, I'll wager. Oh yes, mark my words. They probably knew the plod was about to knock at the door and swallowed it or something, or flushed it down the pan. They're clever these extremists, they can tell if they're being watched. Like owls, they are, they can sense it: no doubt some surveillance operative hired by that idiot Brown coughed too loudly and blew the game, yeah, that was probably it, and I bet that Jack Straw blew it too, twat, he probably sent them a letter advising them of an impending 'top secret operation'. Is Jack Straw still home secretary? Only I don't tend to follow British politics too closely any more, what with Obama skanking my country up over here, knob, bloody liberal. Not that I'm not British, I'm more British than you, you wanker. See, I said wanker, only a limey would say that. Fucking limeys.

But now though, now we hear that all twelve of them have got off without so much as a slap on the wrists, without so much as being sent over to Git'mo. Nope, instead they've been handed over into the softly-softly care of the Imm-uh-gray-shun services where, no doubt, they'll enjoy four square meals a day, Sky TV with all the sports channels and a key to the city of Manchester. And who'll be paying for all this care? Yep, muggins the British taxpayer of course, hardworking people like you and me, well not me of course, I don't pay tax because I live over here and keep my savings in Jersey, but you know what I mean, they'll be living the life of Riley at your expense, planning their next atrocity from the comfort of some public funded safe house somewhere protected from harm behind all the luxuries you can't afford.

No surprise then that these rat-bastards are appealing efforts to deport them. Can't blame them can you, if you were given free housing, multi-channel TV and your choice of dessert (I'll have the banoffee please guv) you'd want to stay too. I know I would, well I wouldn't because I earn more than that, but the fact remains it's a pretty good living just for being a terrorist innit. That's all our, well your, benefit system's good for: giving a free ride to those who hate you, us, the most. I can't hardly decide what I hate most, those fucking extremist scumlickers or the 'welfare' state that rewards them for it. Easy isn't it? All you have to do to live in comfort for the rest of your life is get arrested at gunpoint by jacked-up security officers who don't have a scrap of evidence against you, say you're not a terrorists but 'oh you're hurting my yooman rights innit it's not fair' and you're golden. Sorted.

These poor kids, twelve bright eyed young things over here for nothing more than to further their education and make a new start in Britain and these heavy handed police state Stasi oafs break down the door and accuse you of being a fanatic, even though they can't prove a bloody thing. It's bureaucracy gone mad it is, you know what I reckon, I reckon it was all just a big cover up for those Nazi coppers in London who knocked over that poor boy Tomlinson. Convenient isn't it, 'Shit sarge, I think I just killed this bloke, what do I do', 'Don't worry son, we'll cover it up by arresting some innocent kids in Manchester and everybody'll forget', you can just imagine it can't you.

That's what it is, it's Big Brother Britain just like that writer said it would happen, you couldn't make it up, twelve students arrested for nothing more than taking a couple of holiday snaps in their new country and bam! jack booted riot police hammering at the door to take them away under the fucking 'Terrorism Act', whatever that is.

Well, just so long as they don't get sent over here. They want to stay in Britain, the little bastards, we've got enough of them over here. Brown should stand up for what everybody wants for once and throw them in Broadmoor and chuck away the key, let them rot, the democracy hating shits. They want deporting, simple as. If they hate us - you- so much, why don't they fuck off back home where they can blow up what they want? Why stay here if they oppose everything we believe in, oh yeah of course, they want to stay for the benefits, so they can afford to buy bombs and stuff so they can blow us all to high heaven.

It'll cost us millions in legal fees to deport them, mark my words, the best thing to do would be just keep them here under 24 hour watch, put them in solitary, see how they like that. But our immigration system is so far up shit creek it'll never happen, they'll stay here for years on end I bet, scrounging off the state, I'll tell you what they should do, McBroon should just have done with them and send them packing back to Somalia or whatever, bloody pirates, in this day and age, I ask you. Isn't it?

But of course, it won't happen. I'm willing to put money on them still being here in ten years time just like those Afghan hijackers - what do you mean what Afghan hijackers? The fucking hijackers, y'know the ones, that shoebomber - yeah, they'll be here just like them, those Russian hitmen, living over here in a nice semi in Berkshire paid for by the council no doubt, living off benefits, working in Tesco putting anthrax in your Cheerios, the bastards, those power mad police officers nicking anyone they want accusing them of 'terrorist this' and 'fanatic that' without even the merest scrap of evidence or motive just because they took some photos, shitting police state 'elf'n'safety Nazis that's what they are, you can't even go outside to take some photos of the shopping centre without them coming down on you like a pile of bricks putting away perfectly innocent students for exploding Old Trafford, the psychopaths, it's like living in Afghanistan.

Madness. Britain's gone to the dogs, and it's all because of those bleedin' climate change crusties.

Mind how you go.

That Budget: What does it all mean?

Nobody cares about the sphincter looseningly dull annual trudge through reams of impenetrable micro economics that is the budget.

We hardly need reminding of the inevitability that Alistair Darling and his team of joy-crushing bean counters will squeeze the last few pounds from our already thread-bare pockets for daring to enjoy the delights of cigarettes, alcohol and inefficient motor vehicles - the few remaining joys left to a country crippled by state engineered fiscal ruin.

But, unfailingly, the budget does exactly that. Those with any sense, no doubt, spent the day at the pub getting the rounds in while they could still afford to, smoking themselves into a gravel voiced stupor in defiance of the eye-wateringly steep 2% levy on tobacco. At least the smokers will eventually get their money's worth in treatment from that bloated, cash hemorrhaging tumour on the taxpayers' purse that is the National Health Service.

These endless tax hikes on anything remotely fun are a given, which is why nobody cares. But the important thing about the budget is that it provides a splendid chance to whack Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling and the entire party of gentry hating apparatchiks with a big stick of feigned outrage and mock horror at the hardly revelatory confirmation that some people might have less money than they did last year.

So what fresh economic hell did comrade Darling unleash on this dark day?

First off, the headline grabbing, pinko pleasing sucker punch to the very people who keep our country afloat: a 10% rise in income tax for the selfless men of industry who run our businesses, spend our money and keep the whole greasy wheel turning that we may be have the privilege of borrowing enough to buy a flat and start a grubby, hopeless family of our own.

Since the pre-budget report a few months ago the goodly rich had already been anticipating a gigantic 5% hike in income tax. Those earning £150,000 and over started pinching the pennies in preparation, selling off yachts, tearfully waving goodbye to Jeeves and washing their Bentleys when they were dirty instead of buying new ones. Sacrifices of simple hard-earned pleasures were demanded at the altar of New Labour's increasingly Bolshevik regime.

In a budget reminiscent of the bleak days of Old Labour, nothing could prepare the responsible super rich for the coffer hammering income tax hike to 50% that weaselly eyed Darling ended up slapping down on them today, which left some pundits 'fizzing' with rage. What happened to Peter Mandelson's encouraging claim that he 'didn't mind people becoming filthy rich under New Labour'?

While ungrateful proles get off scot-free despite life times of never bothering to earn sackloads of money, dancing drunkenly in the streets with only 20% of their incomes handed over to the state, those who made something of themselves, or had the foresight to be born into already wealthy families, sit weeping in the run down cloisters of once majestic townhouses and country mansions.

As Kirsty Walker rightly notes: 'It appeared to look back to the 1970s when chancellor Denis Healy promised to "tax the rich until the pips squeak''. And squeak they will - figures already show how the treasury hits those who earn the most hardest, while the bottom feeders brazenly revel in proportionally lower taxes.

As if this weren't enough, those struggling by on £100,000 will no longer have the freedom of a tax-fee personal allowance - the first time an entire section of the population has been denied a tax break. Ever. Thanks to the boundless greed of commissar Darling, those finding themselves newly bereft of their allowance will now hand over up to £1,500 more every single year than they did before, while the poor are effectively excused of handing over ANYTHING for a few months. No wonder those call centre operatives and middle-aged sales assistants working in Tesco always look so unflinchingly happy.


To add insult to injury, the beneficiaries of these punitive anti-capitalist measures can only be described as corpulent white elephants, gorging tenaciously at the shallow pool of public finances, sucking the nation dry of the last few drops of appropriately targeted expenditure that remain.

Like a man trying vainly to plug a gaping wound in the Hoover dam with a pea, commandant Darling will throw some of the money gained from punishing the rich at Britain's mountainous national debt. This is patently ridiculous.

Our country's debt has now reached levels so catastrophically massive that it is meaningless and should simply be left alone. The figures used to measure debt and borrowing are no so vast that they do not even fit across a double page spread in The Telegraph.

Everyone knows that unwashed dishes eventually clean themselves, and the same is true of the economy; left to its own devices, our financial systems would come to realise how silly they've been and just forget about the recession.

Thus the budget's forecast of debt amounting to 80% of GDP by 2015 is meaningless and misleading; within that time frame the Conservatives will rise to power and save us from the financial quagmire by dithering until the whole thing simply disappears.

Equally ridiculous is the £1bn to be squandered on 'the environment'. An absurd £525million is to be wasted on countryside befouling wind farms over the next two years, while £435million will be set aside for energy efficiency schemes in homes, officers and public buildings. Of course, if the Government's hugely expensive asbestos removal programs hadn't been so hastily implemented in the first place, we wouldn't need to be re insulating buildings now. Such lack of foresight is the real reason for Britain's tanking economy.

And pointlessly, an extra £1.7billion will be poured into the Jobcentre Plus network on top of £1.3billion already announced - providing cushy jobs and trendy 'training placement schemes' for unemployable louts under the age of 25 who have been too lazy to work for the last 12 months. According to Mr Darling, some 250,000 jobs will be created or supported as part of these measures, but the question remains: Why should we go to the trouble and expense of providing these yobs with careers when the most practical solution would be to ship them off to offshore labour camps to work for free? Why do they deserve any sort of remuneration for their non-jobs? And surely the real problem is that for every new job created, at least two immigrants come over here and take them?

Indeed, the creation of a system whereby low level jobs are constantly provided and taxed very little will only ever encourage even greater levels of immigration, while our layabout generation of media studies students lack the skills to compete with foreign labour. The better our country becomes, the worse it will get.

In the indisputably insightful words of Floridian commentator Richard Littlejohn, 'we need an election, not a budget'.

All of Darling's measures are too little, too late, serving no purpose other than to rob the middle classes of any remaining dignity and savings, while the poor and the foreign benefit like parasites leeching away at the scalp of our nation.

And remember, while you may not care, or be affected, or even understand the budget, the important thing to take away is that it is most certainly an excellent opportunity to beat Brown, Darling et al with a big stick.

Littlejohn Stuns Critics By Making Himself His Own Parody

Floridan gay rights campaigner Richard Littlejohn today proved himself resistant to parody and impervious to satire by deliberately penning a column so absurdly ignorant and mindlessly vindictive that Juvenal himself reportedly rose from his 2000 year old grave grave to pronounce: 'Such an indulgently awful and stultifyingly ignorant tract removes itself from the clutches of critics by way of its own banality, joyfully wallowing in abject moral squalor, pandering to the most base intolerances of small-minded, dark-hearted men. How can we mock that which laughs at us for our very act of reading?'

Making light of the case of a 38 year old man - with a beard - who endured three years of racist bullying before being fired for taking time off due to depression, Littlejohn said:

"Frankly, I've never understood why some men think a beard and no moustache is a Good Look. They always appear to have their head on upside-down. But I've never seen a dafter beard than the one sported by PC Javid Iqbal.

It's less a beard, more a privet hedge. If he entered it in a Best-Kept Village competition, he'd win a gold rosette.

It resembles those fake pirate beards we used to cut out of comics. PC Javid is a dead ringer for Captain Pugwash's adversary, Cut-Throat Pete.

I wonder if it's real, or comes off with his glasses, like one of those Groucho Marx masks. No wonder his colleagues couldn't help poking fun at it. PC Javid says the beard is part of his Islamic religion. But surely a Jeremy Beadle or a Manfred Mann would have done the job just as well.

Needless to say, PC Javid is suing for com-pen-say-shun and claims to be suffering from depression. In case that argument is laughed out of court, he also claims to have been called a 'f***ing Paki', which is usually worth about 50 grand.

If he has genuinely been racially abused, fair enough. But Bedfordshire Police is one of the most 'diversity-sensitive' forces in Britain, especially when it comes to its large Muslim population.

And the official line is that PC Javid was sacked because he was 'not cut out to be a police officer'. Sounds about right.

A garden gnome, maybe, just not a copper. Last time I saw a beard like that it was sitting on a toadstool, holding a fishing rod."

You couldn't make it up.

Gays Steal Children From Happy Family

Children as young as five are being snatched away from loving homes and handed out like sweets to homosexual monsters, it has emerged.

In what has been described as 'a totalitarian assault upon family life and human rights', two young children were given by left-wing Edinburgh city council to a pair of decadent gays just because their heroin addicted mother was deemed 'incapable' of caring for them by politically correct social workers.

In a 'grotesque development', the grandparents of the children, who cannot be named for legal raisins, were denied the right to adoption just because they were too old, infirm and financially unstable. Inexplicably, it was decided that the gays would provide the best home for the vulnerable brother and sister, despite the availability of a number of normal, non-bent couples in the area.

Shockingly, 'some local authorities forbid adoption by smokers and obese people but actively support gay fostering and adoption' despite evidence that exposure to gayness makes children up to 100% more likely to grow up thinking that boys kissing each other is acceptable.

'Mad' Melanie Phillips pointed out in her meditation on the topic that: 'The prevailing argument that all types of family are as good as each other as far as the children are concerned simply isn’t true...children need to be brought up by the two people ‘who made me’ - or, in adoptive households, in a family which closely replicates that arrangement'.

Experts agreed that the children would indeed be far better off in a family with a junkie mother and a suicidal schizophrenic father than with a couple of flowery pooves who doubtless only want the children to use as fashion items a bit like how Paris Hilton - a gay icon - has a little dog in her bag.

Homosexual role model Richard Littlejohn, a supporter of gay rights in so far as they should be allowed houses and jobs, laid blame for the 'appaling human horror story' at the feet of the 'sadistic, Stalinist might of the social services system' before comparing the situation with the under-reported case of Madeline McCann. 'Stolen children are at the heart of both [cases] he said, before plaintively asking: 'What kind of monsters could do something like this?' You couldn't make it up.

Enter Richlittle

Alright, ‘ows it gahhhn?

See what I did there? I only went and wrote something like you’d say it! That’s fucking clever that is, and I’ll tell you why for free. It’s what those buffoons with ed-yoo-kay-shuns call colloquialism, whatever that shit is. But I’m doing it because that’s what I speak like, because I’m real, me. I’m just like you. You talk like a fucking idiot, so I do too. Just because I live in giant great dirty big mansion in Florida doesn’t mean I’m fake, oh no sir. I’m British through and through, and I tell it like it is. A few thousand miles of ocean can’t stop me, however hard that twat Brown and his motley crew of unfunny analogies might try. Ha! How do you like your socialism now you stinking heap of free marketeering bastards? Pow!

So anyway, what about that stupid twatting ‘survey’ done by some clown with a degree? Apparently, January the fifth or whatever was the most stressful day of the year. Well no shit you arseholes! Of course it is – it’s the first day back to work, how many taxpayers’ pounds did it take to work that one out you dirty hippy shits? Well you didn’t get any of my money you liberal turds, because I don’t pay tax! Ha! Go and cry to mummy you bunch of queers and lesbians, ‘Oh no, nasty Mr Richlittle won’t give us his gold’, you’ll say, because that’s how those graduate poofs talk. They got bummed at yoo-nee-versi-tee you see, I know because I saw it in a film.

You know what else they fucking love, those teat sucking shemales with mixed race parents? They love that global warming wank, they fucking love it they do. They have posters with stupid fucking polar bears on their ceilings to they can cry themselves to sleep at night, staring at a bear dying in a tree on an iceberg, then in the morning they’ll wake up and weep a bit more and go and see their boyfriends, unless they’re women, because then they’ll go and see their filthy lesbian mates. Disgusting. Just think what they do to each other. Yeah. Sickening.

But yeah, global shitting warming. How is the globe getting warmer, it’s freezin’ bloody cold in Britain, so I’ve heard. I wouldn’t know though because I live in a big fuck off mansion with heated walls and carpeted ceilings, so it doesn’t matter to me, but what about you the taxpayer? Where’s all the money going, eh? To the global warming police, that’s where. They want to bleed you dry and then sandpaper your nipples with their imaginary cacti that won’t grow in all the fucking deserts that won’t exist because it’s too fucking cold, or warm, or whatever the fuck happens when global warming doesn’t happen, which it won’t because it’s a lie. Why do they lie? Who cares. It’s not real because the turd burgling hippies say it is, which means it isn’t.

So while you’re outside freezin’ your tits off because it’s cold in January which proves there’s no such thing as climate change, and you see your binmen running grannies over and throwing their gold plated public sector cash monies around, laughing at you in your pathetic little private sector job, consider how much better off you’d be if all that money wasn’t wasted on those shit heads. Council taxes are on the up again. You can just picture it can’t you: ‘Oooh, where’s me washboard Alf, let’s get those morons who live in our Labour council controlled town’, says the boss. ‘Nah mate we can’t they’re alright they are, they’re just normal people who pay their taxes, they’re not bad people, what about the kids’. Boss gets angry and smacks the other twat in the face, ‘Buck up you leftie, we’ll save some money for our Nu Lie-Bore overlords by only taking their waste fortnightly...no monthly, haha, see how they like them apples!’ ‘Yeah alright guv, and let’s charge them twice as much for it, the knobs’, ‘Yeah alright’, ‘Yeah’, that’s what they’d be like you can just see it can’t you, you couldn’t make it up.

And there’s this tall foreign bird from – where else? – Pakistan, that hole, that middle-eastern scum hive where the Talibans come from, who reckons she’s being discriminated against just ‘coz she’s tall or what not. Who ever heard of such rubbish? Send her back and see how she likes that, coming over here, well there anyway, taking our – your – jobs and kids and houses. What a disgrace, would you credit it. Says she was a ‘vick-timm’ so she can take your money and sit at home and watch that Arab channel, what is it, Al-Jazeera or something, I-Canbombya more like, terrorists. She’s not going to fit in here, I’ll tell you that right now because I say it how it is, I don’t care what McBroon’s thought police stasi say, I’ll fucking tell it mate, just you see. No doubt she’ll claim some mult-billion dollar, I mean pound, com-pen-say-shun discrimination bollocks when some kind old country bloke tells her she looks like a giant pillar of crap, just you watch as she runs off into the arms of the broken justice system crying bloody murder, ‘Those white folk hate me m’lord, they hate me because I am tall’, she’ll say, and you know what, you bloody well know what, I’ll tell you right now, we DO, we fucking DO hate you luv, because you’re not one of us, you know it, get out you scum, I speak for the people, they want me to be PM because I speak the truth, not that PC mumbo-jumbo Mbingo Mbongo, the fucking, English truth and you don’t like it because you hate Britain. Who’s with me?

Mind how you go.

Give Clowns Diplomatic Immunity, says tabloid

A man was stopped and searched by security guards at Birmingham International Airport yesterday, just because he set off a metal detector.

To his shock, Dave Vaughn found that even dressed as PC Konk the clown, 'he was not above suspicion by airport security chiefs - who strip-searched him just in case'.

'I couldn't believe it when they told me to get undressed so they could search me,' he said afterwards. Sources agreed that stopping to search people who set off alarms at airports was of little use, and that people dressed as clowns should not be subject to the same laws as more mentally stable members of society.

One Florida resident suggested that airport policies to treat everybody equally and stop those who set alarm bells ringing are ridiculous: 'Sometimes, even I'm lost for words. How may suicide bombers disguise themselves as refugees from a circus?' An insider said: 'Yeah, it's not like we can't tell what those Talibans look like - they all wear turbans and have beards. Not clown suits ferchrissakes!'

Calls for Birmingham Airport to allow unrestricted travel for all performers whose work requires them to wear a costume were mounting last night, as support grew from clown rights groups. A spokesman from the pressure group Clown Rights Against Public Discrimination said: 'Oooh this makes me SO mad! Honk honk! Next we'll be told we can't take our comedy mallets or replica firearm water pistols on board! What are we to do? Boing!'

Revealed: How Labour ministers are dodging Darling's 45p rate

Incriminating figures revealed today how MPs are shamefully dodging new higher rate taxes announced by Minister for Financial Wrongdoings, Alistair 'Darling'.

Darling, who hopes to one day increase taxes to 100% for private sector workers, last week unveiled 'punitive' compulsory donations to the state in the form of a top rate tax of a debilitating 45p in the pound. Many high profile high earners like Paul Dacre and Richard Littlejohn reacted with fury to the prospect of being forced to cut back on Faberge eggs, yachts for their dogs and mansions in Florida.

With his 'Leninesque' pre-budget report, Darling smashed the hopes and dreams of those earning over £150,000 ever being able to afford to shop at Waitrose or ride first-class on the trains by increasing top rate income tax by 5%, coupled with a gigantic 0.5% rise in national insurance 'contributions'.

However, one newspaper calculated that the tax hikes will leave government ministers unaffected - becuase they deliberately earn less than the £150k threshold. The shocking statistics reveal that '23 members of the Cabinet earn £138,724', granting the sneaky policy makers immunity from Darling's socialist taxing scheme.

By intentionally earning £11,276 less than the threshold, government minions will be saving themselves a massive £7,500 - the difference an extra 5% will make to a £150k salary. Despite getting a bit muddled up and claiming that the 45p tax rate applies to those earning over £140k (an easy mistake what with all these big numbers flying around), Glen Owen also reminded outraged readers in his damning report that Labour MPs are given a sickening 'second home allowance'.

The £24,006 allowance means ministers are able to buy pimped-out London bachelor pads, supposedly for official purposes. It is thought by many, however, that the residences are actually filled with the latest video games consoles, pool tables and exotic caged animals from the Orient.

The TaxPayer's Alliance insta-quote machine had this to say: 'zzzzt BLIP...It is unreasonable for MPs to get tax breaks not available to the ordinary public...BLOOP...How can hard-working families expect to get a good deal on tax...beep beep gggghhhhft', before shutting down in a blinding flare of sanctimonious faux-outrage.

The Quail will be leading a campaign in the coming years to reduce the top rate tax threshold to £20,000 to make absolutely sure that no government employees are able to dodge the brutal taxes that have been levied against ordinary, poor, hard-working citizens like you.

Richard 'Quail' Littlejohn

Florida resident Richard Littlejohn today wrote an 'hilarious' article satirising reports of the leaked BNP member list, pretending that it was in fact the Labour party that had its party member list leaked 'by a drunken civil servant'.

It is thought Littlejohn was inspired by a similar post that appeared yesterday on an interworldwidenet hyper netlog that also confused the BNP with another right-wing organisation for comedic purposes.

However, many readers were left scratching their heads as to what exactly Littlejohn was talking about, as some insiders speculated that the fearless columnist had in fact been the victim of a left-wing 'googlesockpuppetbombing' campaign. Some of the passages in 'Littlejohn's' article are so nonsensical that analysts said it could all be part of some great liberal conspiracy to tarnish Richard's reputation as a real journalist, because that's what he is.

Here are some:

"Many of [the Labour party members] have never had a proper job in their lives and harbour dubious histories, in some cases descending into outright criminality.
They include a significant number of extremists, including plenty who previously belonged to an assortment of Trotskyite and Communist organisations - facts they have tried to conceal from the public"

"On the afternoon we contacted her at the address listed, she told our reporter that he had been a very naughty boy, demanded to see his identity card and said everything he did was being recorded on CCTV and may be used against him on YouTube."

"The leaked details also reveal the staggering fall in membership of the Conservative Party since 2005. The names of everyone considered potentially racist, homophobic, Eurosceptic, doubtful about global warming, or even vaguely Thatcherite, have been crossed out."

One commenter said of the article: 'WTF? Is he on crack?'

Single Afghan Mother Takes Your Money and House

An unemployed, benefit-claiming, Afghani asylum-seeker single mother of seven who claims £170,000 of taxpayers money each year is living in luxury accommodation in swanky Acton in West London for free, paid for by the local council, it was revealed yesterday. Minutes after the news broke, hospital admissions of right-wing commenters sky-rocketed as many literally imploded with rage.

One American freelancer was reported to be in a critical but stable state after his internal organs began overflowing with choleric bile, inducing a quasi-schizophrenic catatonic state. He was observed rocking violently back and forth, foaming at the mouth, unable to speak apart from repeatedly muttering the words 'Couldn't...make it.....up'.

Toorpakai Saiedi, as she is known to her countless children and relatives, is given a massive £400 a month to support her herd of offspring in the opulent London manor, which itself costs almost £15,000 a year. Jawad, one of her many offspring, displayed contempt for the traditional British way of life, screaming at reporters 'If someone paid you the lottery jackpot, would you leave it?', to which most replied sincerely 'Yes we would'. It remains unclear why the Saiedi family did not refuse to move in when they realised how much they would be costing the hard-working British taxpayer. Acton is, afterall, a celebrated hotspot of cheap outdoor accommodation such as park benches and doorways which are inhabited by numerous non-earning but responsible Brits.

It was noted by one news source that the case epitomised everything that is wrong with Britain today. Despite the fact that the placement of the Saiedis in such expensive housing was later revealed to be a mistake, resulting in two council employees being unceremoniously fired, the story is still, without doubt, absolutely typical of the kind of treatment all asylum seekers receive in this country. One commenter rightly pointed out that: 'the person receiving the house should realise how expensive it is for the taxpayer and refuse to move in - they should be homeless instead.'

The Floridan freelancer said, after recovering from his initial rage induced coma, that: 'If ever a single news story summed up the howling insanity of Brown's Britain, this surely has to be it', acutely pointing out how an exceptional and isolated case entirely sums up what some misguided critics claim to be a complex social problem. Understanably, he later admitted that he didn't quite comprehend the situation, whispering: 'It's difficult to decide on what precise level this lunacy is most outrageous' before going on to link the Acton family with terrorists who landed a hijacked aeroplane in Stansted eight years ago. The Afghan embassay declined to comment on whether the Saiedis were indeed behind the hijacking or what they were up to over here and whether or not they were planning to blow something up.