Daily Mail readers condemn barbaric treatment of Somali adulterer

A 48 year old Somali man was put to death by stoning yesterday after being convicted by a militant insurgant group of adultery.

The Jihadist faction - known as Hizbul Islam - also shot dead another man accused of murder.

Daily Mail readers reacted with fury at the barbaric executions and defended the two men's right to fair trial and human rights expressed concern that brown people like them might come over here and take our things.

Moron 'srb' from St. Leonards seemed to confuse Hizbul Islam with Al Qaeda, and Sharia law with insurgency, and saw the incident as supportive of Tony Blair's wars on terror:

scum. this is what we're fighting against in afghanistan and iraq. don't like the war, wait until there's a sharia court in basingstoke and see how you like that.

Steve Lee, an idiot from London, uncovered a previously unknown plot to provide members of Hizbul Islam with British passports:

Apparently if you give these kind of men British passports they instantly become civilized and law abiding and there no link whatsoever between immigration from barbaric, primitive societies and the explosion in violent crime in this country has seen over the last 40 years.

Steve told the Quail: 'All the same, innit, these Sumatrians. I mean, obviously, I wouldn't mind seeing the poor fella who was stoned to death given refuge in our country, but you can't go letting these people in because they're all barbarians. What?'

Meanwhile, 'skint', a cretin from 'Broken Britain' worded this:

And all the while they keep flooding into Britain, as I type this, another family of Somalis is moving in down the road.

Thanks Gordon, brilliant job you`ve done.

A statement from 'skint's' spokesman said: 'Skint recognises the fallacy of condemning an entire country's population due to the actions of an extremist cell, and is aware of the hypocrisy of also condemning the rights of the victims of the aforementioned extremist cell to claim asylum in Britain lest they suffer the very same cruel and barbaric punishment that has so vexed Skint in the first place, but he simply doesn't give a shit.'

John, an imbecile, used his powers of observation to profess thusly:

I notice the non-masked 'man' in the stoning photo seems to be smiling. And our British traditions are to be abandonded in favour of this? Do NOT vote for more of the LibLabCon treachery. We really have to take our country back.

John's wife said yesterday: 'Oh no, he hasn't been commenting again has he? He get's like this after a couple of bottles of whiskey, says that Somalian insurgent lizard men are sitting in the House of Lords and starts shouting about "the great treachery" led by the Prince of Darkness. He's been banned from Wetherspoons for upsetting the alcoholics, now he just spends the day reading The Mail.'

Semi-regular Littlejohn comment watch

I don't really want to cover the fruit porn story again, but I would like to quickly draw your attention to the comment thread on 'Father's outrage over Maoam wrapper', which appears to have been left entirely unmoderated, resulting in comments mentioning The Quail, Enemies of Reason and even MailWatch, and about 300 others laughing at the Mail for running what is very probably a spoof letter.

Is this what all Mail comment threads would look like without any form of moderation?

Nobody at the Mail was available to comment last night on suggestions that as much as 95% of traffic to MailOnline is comprised of piss-takers, and that the other 5% is very probably made up of lost web surfers looking for Lily Allen nip-slip pics and Peaches Geldof upskirts.

Moving on to today's Littlejohn word ejaculation, in which he ungeniously compares New Labour to the Big Brother house, and the comments underneath aren't quite as informed as on the hot fruit love piece.

John from Wales says, 'TO QUOTE A WELL KNOWN PHRASE YOU COULDNT MAKE IT UP', while 'grannygrump' from Bolton chimes in, 'To use one of your phrases, Richard, YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT UP!' - both somewhat ironic given that Littlejohn has quite clearly made this up. It's a satire, so it has been literally made up. Even Littlejohn would admit that in the process of writing about 'housemate' Blair and gay contestant 'Mandy', he had to, by definition, make it up. Or do John and grannigrump actually believe that New Labour's base of operations is the Big Brother house?

We were, however, delighted to learn that our own comment was allowed through (without editing this time!) despite getting the columnist's name wrong, expressing our inability to understand the article, mis-spelling 'Nu Lab', using a ridiculous amount of exclamatory punctuation, rambling absurdly off topic, and mentioning that Richard isn't even a British citizen:


Remember, kids: Littlejohn's columns are still pre-moderated. Someone actually decided that the above would meaningfully add to the debate.

Equally pleasing was to find esteemed comment stalwart Bob Roberts only a few positions above, who braved 242 red arrows to deconstruct 'John's' article rather nicely:


Good work Bob.

Successful commenting on Littlejohn columns

The Quail's otherwise exhaustive guide to successful Daily Mail commenting last month failed to mention one important thing: comment editing.

One of the Comment Guardians' primary tasks to ensure agreement with the Mail columnists at all costs. While this means outright rejection of most comments, there are some cases where a comment contains acceptable levels of agreement only to be let down by ambiguous - possibly dissident - material. In such cases the commenter's positive comments will be retained, while the more troubling elements are judiciously removed.

For example, this:


Becomes this:


Note the mandatory 'Littlejohn for PM!' platitude, ensuring successful publication of some form, plus repitition of the columnist's own words and phrases, i.e., 'macBroon'. Don't worry if it makes no sense whatsoever or suggests complete failure to understand the subject matter - these two simple rules guarantee a nod from the moderators.

See also: MailOnline hacked by leftist thought police
Incredibly stupid comment passes moderation on MailOnline shocker

WILL FACEBOOK IMPREGNATE YOUR MORTGAGE?

As you may be aware, Silly Season, the festive time of year during which newspapers find themselves with literally nothing to report on, is upon us.


Even our favourite bile-soaked rag, The Daily Mail, has difficulty filling its pages during Silly Season with anything approaching real news, instead giving over valuable column inches to articles like 'IT memo uses word that person points out is less accurate than other word', in desperate attempts to generate whatever outrage it can from stories about, well, nothing.

Thankfully, a reader has kindly suggested an alternative for those of you currently suffering withdrawal symptoms from a decreased dosage of daily fear and loathing.

To keep your bile levels tippity top, make sure to use the Daily Mail-o-matic while the real thing struggles to fill its pages with real stories of faux outrage. Simply pressing an easy to operate 'Refresh' button, you will be rewarded with such Mailish gems as 'ARE YOBS GIVING ENGLAND CANCER?', 'IS FEMINISM BURGLING YOUR PENSION?', and, 'IS THE MMR JAB IMPREGNATING YOUR CHILDREN?' - all questions we need answers to right away, I think you'll agree.

For extra fun, you may wish to capitalise on the recent news that Mail Online has taken the bold step into the world of unmoderated comments by generating your own headlines using the Mail-o-matic, then sharing the results with other fans in the comments under Mail articles. Should your garbled rubbish make it onto the hallowed pages of MailOnline, make sure to send a screengrab to The Quail, and we'll publish the best ones.

A merry Silly Season to all!

The Quail's guide to successful commenting

A number of readers have expressed concern that comments made underneath Daily Mail articles never see the light of day. Many assume that some malevolent leftist force is at work - possibly the PC brigade - working tirelessly to suppress freedom of expression in one of the country's finest newspapers. It's that thought police. Isn't it?

Well, no. Such suspicions, fortunately, are unfounded.

While it is true that getting a comment published on Daily Mail articles is often a frustrating and ethically questionable exercise in futility, it is not an impossible task. Follow a few simple rules and the comment guardians will gladly accomodate your misinformed rantings alongside such luminaries of the commentariat as Cllr Chris Cooke, Dave (expat) or perhaps even the incandescent Jacqui Weems of Southampton.

The first - and most obvious - rule of Mail commenting is to always agree with the article. Nobody likes a troublemaker and, ferchrissakes, there's a reason why these journalists get paid to write this stuff while you sit at home in your dressing gown bellowing pointlessly at the internet with nobody around to hear: the hacks are always right. If they weren't, they wouldn't be working for Britain's most influential newspaper would they?

Secondly, spend some time becoming versed in the vocabulary of the permanently outraged. Angry people who read the Mail identify one another by way of a particular set of linguistic cues, known as 'lazy rage inspired metaphones.' For example, when referring to 'people', Mail commenters divide the species into two distinct subgroups; good people (known as 'taxpayers') and bad people (referred to variously as 'students', 'the unemployed', or 'immigrants'). Our Prime Minister is known as 'MacBroon', and the party he represents is 'Za Nu liar bore' (often shortened to 'ZaNulab' or even 'Nulab') Your comment will not pass moderation unless it adheres to these simple lexical principles. [Study the Daily Mail dictionary if you need inspiration.]


The third rule to remember is that all comments should strike a balance between patriotism and utter disdain for this country. Remember, you love Britain - or you would if it weren't for its geography, the Government, the majority of the population, the weather, and the BBC. These are all shameful aspects of Great Britain that you should mock with vitriol, but you must never criticise the country itself or compare it infavourably to other nations. Only Stalinist Guardianistas do that.


Fourth, bear in mind that everyone else is absolutely insane and the only reason any organisation does anything is to ruin everything and pander to minorities. If you're commenting on a Mail article, feel proud that you're among a very small group of people blessed with the extraordinary ability to see through the liberal fog that clouds the judgement of everyone else on the planet. This especially applies to courts, which only make judgements based on the opposite of common sense - or 'uncommon nonsense' - and scientists, who make everything up simply to grab your tax pounds from irresponsible money-burning Government quangos. For these reasons, use as many exclamation marks as possible in your comments and illustrate your thesis by asking rhetorical questions to demonstrate your inability to even begin to cope with the madness of everyone else.

The above are general guidelines. Specific types of article demand a particular type of comment; when discussing legal action taken by a minority against a company, for example, a race claim, you MUST use the words 'Here we go again!!!' and make reference to the fact the complainant was simply motivated by the prospect of a large cash settlement. Any piece regarding so-called 'global warming' must imply that 'climate change' is nothing more than a Government conspiracy to increase taxes and that sea levels aren't going to rise because if you put an ice-cube in a glass of water and it melts, the water level doesn't rise. Richard Littlejohn's columns require a brief interjection about how he should be the Prime Minister.


It is prudent to quickly discuss style guidelines. Comments that misCapitalise random words, punctuate like a small child with an ellipsis machine gun, insert inappropriate symbols such as '#' and '/', and SHOUT at least one in five words, will stand a far greater chance of passing moderation. The comment guardians pay little due to one's ability to write accurately - poorly expressed views display an admirable passion for the topic, while simultaneously demonstrating that a high school education is unnecessary when the University of Life has shaped your world view.


Study the above carefully and before you know it, you'll have comments published daily. There's nothing like seeing your own inarticulate drivel slouching proudly beside the nation's most misinformed people.

The consistency of Mail commenters

Don't you just hate punctuation Nazis, using commas all over the place, sneering at decent, hard-working folk who don't know their colon from their period?

Time for a red arrow Nic from Manchester, you raving homosexual.

Incredibly Stupid Comment Passes Moderation on Daily Mail Website Shocker

Barack Hussein Obama's approval rating has plummeted by a staggering 15 points since his inauguration - nearly 4 points for every day he has been in office. Ha!

The reasons Americans are swiftly turning their backs on Barack are obvious; absurd, half-measure policies like closing down some prison, throwing taxpayers' cash at schools whose only aim is to waste time trying to make children into real people and investing in silly energy schemes to try to get power from the sun and the rain will never wash with the general populace.

The Quail knew all of this way before it was cool, which is why we threw our weight behind Emperor McCain and emphasised Obama's shortcomings on his inauguration day.

And it gladdens our hearts that over 27 88 135 Daily Mail readers agree with our solution to the energy crisis:

Hint: click the pic to make your own inane comment! Or vote this one up even more*! Moar coal for all!

* You'll need to click 'View more' under the article.