Who needs truth when you have an agenda?

Unscrupulous lawyers have again forced Britain's third favourite newspaper to pay out tens of thousands of pounds in damages to amoral nogoodniks for alleged "false, defamatory and deeply offensive allegations" and hurt feelings.

The latest judgement against The Daily Mail was meted out after the 'victims' - three career women cynically earning more from their high-flying jobs than most men - claimed that an article published on November 5th last year was inaccurate in stating that they chose to adopt children instead of giving birth just to avoid jeopardising their careers and attractive, svelte figures.

The offending article, which has been removed from the Mail's online internet webpage, was headlined: 'For most women, giving birth is the most fulfilling event in their lives. But some are so afraid of missing out on their careers and losing their figures they refuse to go through pregnancy and choose adoption instead. Practical, or just plain selfish?'

The piece concluded that the made-up situation is, of course, 'just plain selfish' and that women who dare go to work after having children are latter-day Jezebels too arrogant to realise their proper place is in the home (specifically the kitchen, or the bedroom on Friday nights) Adoption, it said, presented a practical way for work obsessed females to continue earning while having a child around so they could chat with colleagues about private nurseries and size 1 designer shoes.

But despite invaluable coverage in a respected national newspaper, the women - Edwina Langley, Lisa Beard-Rogers and Thema Davis - were not satisfied with the article's contents.

Mrs Davis claimed that the Mail had neglected to add that she was in fact unable to conceive naturally and so adoption was the only available option, Mrs Beard-Rogers said that, contrary to the article's assertions, she was in fact considering a natural birth, and Mrs Langley claimed to have been misrepresented and, in fact, wished to adopt as she was not in a relationship and because she wanted to give a stable, loving home to an underprivileged child that might otherwise spend countless years in care.

A source said: 'Look, the details aren't important, it's the bigger issue that matters. And that issue is that women should have children the old fashioned way and stay at home. I don't know why people get so wound up with boring, pointless facts.'

After complaining to the Press Complaints Commission, the three women accepted a £30,000 payout from the Mail. The newspaper defended its honour by revealing that 'offending elements' of the piece had been added by 'an unnamed executive who controlled a rewrite of the story...rather than the journalists who interviewed the women', which makes it ok because it was bigger boys who did it not innocent Mail journalists who would never dream of making mean things up about women.

Paul Dacre said: 'Well, boys will be boys. I can't control every tiny little thing that gets written.'

The unsavoury incident follows a number of other high profile cases where women have claimed compensation for frivolous grievances that they brought upon themselves anyway: in February a blonde TV presenter sued the BBC after being fired two weeks after giving birth, and only a month before, a married Muslim woman took her employer to court for some light-hearted office banter and racist innuendo.

A local man said: 'Cuh. These women should know their limits.'

Richard Dawkins Hates Harry Potter

Maniacal deity hating boffin Richard Dawkins, who admits to being related to monkeys, is turning his rabid stare away from religion and now wants to destroy harmless children's stories for being 'unscientific'.

The sworn atheist, who hates Christians and has cloned his own daughter, thinks JK Rowling's magical tales of sweet young wizards are 'pernicious' and 'insideous'. Sources close to the heathen have revealed that he also hates Paddington, Winnie the Pooh, Rupert and other make-believe bears, branding them 'too furry to be trusted'.

Dawkins, whose dogmatic desire to erode traditional belief systems has led one newspaper to list him as one of the 50 people who have 'wrecked Britain', admitted that he hasn't even read the Potter books. Asked in an interview with More4 News why he was so eager to crush childrens' fantasies and replace magic with hateful and unproven scientific ideas like evolution and gravity, he screamed 'there's so much magic in science!' before stamping on a furby and punching a Buzz Lightyear doll.

The unemployed former professor of fluffy soft-option subject 'science and understanding' at Oxford Polytechnic University plans to follow in the footsteps of other has-been celebrities and write a kids book, which he arrogantly suggests will 'appeal to the children to think for themselves'.

Critics have warned that the book will encourage children to question their elders and learn more about things like science, theology and history, topics that no parent should be forced to discuss with minors. Dawkins's previous books have been notable only for being little more than 'near hysterical propaganda', and of 'turning the clock back to a pre-modern age of obscurantism, dogma and secular witch-hunts'.

***Stop Press***

Richard Dawkins stood accused of 'Google bombing' today after it emerged that searching for a key phrase found in a daringly critical article on the militant atheist yields a libellous and wholly contemptable top 3 result that suggests none other than the virtuous editor of England's favourite newspaper is in fact 'the most dangerous man in Britain'. Dawkins' name is suspiciously absent from the results. We suspect foul play and are calling for a campaign to stop sick atheist zealots manipulating search results.