Immigrants cost us £450bn

Immigrants living here cost British taxpayers £1m each, a shocking new report has revealed.

And brown ones cost even more, probably.

The enormous sum reflects the cost of benefits, tax breaks and free school meals that immigrants love so much, provided over the lifetime of the average feckless foreigner who sits at home all day, claims child support and robs your house at weekends.

The revelation comes as thousands of misguided churchgoers, Stalinist trade unionists and tye-dye wearing charity workers today prepared to rally in London in support of an ‘earned amnesty’ for 450,000 foreigners.

Campaign group Migrationwatch, who calculated the amount by pressing random buttons on a calculator, multiplying the answer by Pi then adding it to the number of people in Mexico suffering from swine flu, said: 'The numbers are truly enormous, adding an unacceptable – and entirely unnecessary - burden to the nation’s balance sheet'.

Original Migrationwatch estimates had been based on a family of four living in rented accommodation, with two parents over the age of 25 both claiming income support, council tax and housing benefit, earning the minimum wage for the entirety of their lives because that's all immigrants are worth. The estimates also took into account retirement at 65 and living for a further 15 pointless years claiming Pension Credits and free travel cards.

But the figures were so wildly unrealistic that senior Migrationwatch bean counters recommended using the 'picking numbers at random' mathematical approach instead.

Migrationwatch chairman Sir Andrew Green acknowledged that a gigantic degree of guesswork had been used to arrive at the final number: 'Some of these immigrants will already be married, or will not marry, and some will work above the minimum wage so that their Housing Benefit will be lower, some may have families of more than two children, thereby attracting more Child Benefit and Child Tax Credits...to be honest, who fucking knows? £1million is a nice round number so let's go with that.'

A source at the Daily Mail said: 'I don't really care about the details. Nobody reads this paper for 'numbers' do they? The important thing to remember is that foreign people are bad.'

Part 2: Coming Over Here, Taking Our Lives

Almost 100 foreign murderers have exploited Britain's shamefully chaotic asylum system to come over here and set up comfortable new homes, probably paid for by the British taxpayer.

Eighty convicted homocidal maniacs from Albania - or Albaniacs - have been granted British passports after sneaking across the Channel from Calais, where they enjoy raping students and murdering locals, to Dover, using bogus names and false papers to claim 'asylum'.

Many of the convicted criminals have been living in the UK for up to ten years and have started breeding, sometimes with unsuspecting Britons who do not realise that their offspring will be half-foreigner, just so they can claim the right to remain in our country.

Good Sir Andrew Green, of reasonable and progressive think tank MigrationWatch, said something along the lines of: 'Foreign people are dangerous killers and should be banned immediately'.

Multi Coloured Infants Invade Britain, says Journalist

Disturbing figures leaked by a shadowy Government source show today that more than a third of babies born in the UK are, shockingly, non-white.

Out of 649,371 babies born in 2005, 64.4 per cent were recorded as 'White British'. According to Matthew Hickley, this means that a third of babies are non-white despite the fact that babies born to other white (non-British) backgrounds make up another 5.1%, bringing the total number of white babies to 69.5%. When you add the number of babies born to parents who chose not to state their child's ethnic background, the figure rises to 80.3%.

Hickley's creative use of mathematics led some commentators to interpret the data as very frightening indeed. Sir Andrew Green, supreme commander of Migrationwatch UK, cried: 'This is a measure of the extent to which uncontrolled immigration is changing the nature of our society, against the wishes of a very large majority...The Government has allowed immigration to get out of control, but they still show no sign of a serious effort to reduce it.' Migrationwatch is an independent, non-political body that is 'not opposed to immigration'.

Readers of one local newspaper met the news with mock incredulity. Peter Atkinson of East Grinstead in Sussex quipped wittily: 'well, well, well what a suprise', while Richo from Clacton echoed his sentiment, adding ironically: 'Well I never, how utterly surprising?' Presumably both commenters innocently expected the figures to show that white babies made up at least 100% of the figures. J.Mitchell of Sheffield had some acute practical advice for the government, sagely noting that the news was fine with him 'as long as ALL these children can speak English by the time they go to school at 5 years old, and do not require specialist teachers because their parents, whilst taking advantage of making their life in this country, still refuse to learn our Language.'

Migrant Workers Will Continue to Flock to UK for Almost a Decade, says Thinktank

Worrying figures were released today showing that the number of migrant workers from the Eastern Bloc piling into our country would continue unabated for nearly a decade, until 2010.

According to the objective and independent report by non-political and completely trustworthy thinktank Migrationwatch UK, the number of Polish nomads registering to work in our fair country peaked at 228,000 in 2006. The plague-like influx was largely due to New Labour’s misinformed decision in 2004 to join the EU and open Britain’s gates to a tide of immigrants, while many other European states such as France, Germany and Australia, kept their borders safely shut. Thankfully, these countries will be forced to adopt an open immigration policy by 2011, meaning that many of the undesirable foreigners will go elsewhere instead, where they will be free from the horrors of Blair’s Britain like knife crime, political correctness, socialism and reality TV.

Migrationwatch, whose website prominently features well written tabloid headlines such as ‘Migration must be curbed’ and ‘Asylum seeker has deadly super TB’, optimistically predicts that the number of Eastern Europeans registering to work here will fall to 80,000 in 2010, and 50,000 in 2011. Following these figures through yields the utopian possibility that there might in fact be a negative number of immigrants in Britain by 2025.

Despite this good news, Sir Andrew Green, lord commander of Migrationwatch, warned that the Government should not use the good news as a lazy liberal excuse to claim that the public no longer need to be concerned about immigration levels, and that, confusingly, ‘The latest population estimates confirm that, in the next 25 years, we will have to build seven cities the size of Birmingham just for new immigrants.’ Birmingham, according the latest estimates, has 1.06 million residents, meaning that, if Sir Andrew’s predictions are accurate, there will be over 7 million immigrants living in Britain within the next quarter of a century, or around 12% of the UK’s current population. Sir Andrew was unavailable to comment on the apparent disparity between his own figures and those of Migrationwatch.

A Home Office bureaucrat, no doubt acting under propaganda guidelines from Brussels, said: ‘Nationals from the Accession 8 countries [those that joined the EU in 2004] continue to come to the UK to work, contributing to the success of the economy, whilst making few demands of our welfare system’. However, Bruce from London, in an insightful piece of rhetoric, asked 'Who really believes government claptrap that immigration benefits the economy? Are the economies of Germany, France and Austria suffering so badly because they blocked East European immigration until 2011? Hardly.'