Saturday 2 May 2009

Paul Dacre hospitalised after gigantic ejaculation

Concerns for the well being of Daily Mail editor Paul 'Mr Burns' Dacre were mounting today after the ferrite fisted news dictator suffered an exhausting three hour ejaculation that left him 'withered like a prune', according to one onlooker.

Doctors said the 61 year old media mogul, who insists on being called 'Lord High Commander Paulinus' by friends and colleagues, was 'stable' having lost several internal organs during the marathon eruption of man juice.

Fortunately, Dacre, who earns £1.2m a year from telling people how dangerous Britain is and that foreigners will kill you, had previously undergone surgery to equip him with an extra heart, two additional lungs, four spleens and an industrial sized bile duct, as well as several kidneys harvested from junior Mail journalists as punishment for not adhering strictly enough to their master's 'libertarian-authoritarian' realpolitik.

Insiders said that Dacre was so concerned about the risk of developing cancer from everything in the world he was willing to spend millions on 'backup' organs every year.

Describing the scene as Dacre began his epic jizzathon, the source added: 'It happened late last night, after the subs had been in to see him with new pieces on Maddy, swine flu and Baby P. There was an almighty rumbling sound like thunder and suddenly he was being propelled around his office by this giant stream of...well, you know.

I think it was the mixture of panic, outrage, fear and the prospect of going to France for just a quid that tipped him over the edge. He looked angry, excited and strangely hopeful, if that's possible - the combination of those three leaders together on the front page must have been too much, and I don't think having Myleene Klass on page three helped either. '

Dacre's wife, known only as Mrs. D., was reported to be upset at the incident, telling friends: 'I don't know why he's unable to get that excited with me.'


  1. I've only just stumbled across your blog and it's fab! Keep up the subservively good work! As for Paul Dacre, I'm sure you already know this but he's well known among the Mail staff for his foul mouthed rants (despite all his 'we should go back to the 1950s where women knew their place and divorced people were spat on in the street etc') His liberal use of the c word has become known as 'Paul's Vagina Monologues.' And when he gets really angry and can only resort to 'you cunting cunt' or occasionally 'you cunter cunting cunt' other staff will say: 'So have you been double cunted by Paul yet?'

  2. That's marvellous, I hadn't heard about Mr D.s fondness of colloquial cuntery before actually. 'Paul's Vagina Monologues' has a beautifully ironic ring to it given the man's hatred of anyone posessing one.

    Got any links relating to this that I can include next time?

  3. Hiya

    I didn't mean to be Anonymouse - I just had a technophobe moment. I heard this from the PA of an editor of a broadsheet, so unless it pops up in Private Eye I can't provide a link alas.

    The Daily Mail is a truly hateful paper - everything that's small minded, prurient, homophobic and mysoginist about the UK. And it's shameful how many women buy it.


    Just read the Davies book and thought I'd found the source, then find it's on the man's wiki anyway.

  5. Good ol' wiki. Bookmarked. Thanks Jaime & Jane.

    Must buy that book (Flat Earth News)

  6. Very concerned to hear of Mr Dacre's troubles. Pleased to report that Buff the Banana has yet to notice an impact on his output.