Miliband prepares to ban Christmas

Unable to contain his Cromwellian excitement at the prospect of banning Christmas this year, David Miliband has already ordered 'Foreign Office mandarins' to begin planning the cancellation of Britain's favourite festival - possibly to replace it with Eid or some other oriental pagan heresy.

The review of state endorsed religious celebrations comes after it emerged that Miliband sent out Ramadan and Rosh Hashanah messages to Embassy staff around the world, but neglected to prepare one for Christmas Day or Easter. He also hates St George's Day.

It is thought that Miliband, who once openly admitted that he doesn't believe in God or Santa Claus, issued the dictat 'to avoid upsetting different faiths and nationalities' like bearded Muslim jihadists and Scientologists. A local man said: 'What about my rights? He'll execute the tooth fairy next, and give all the teeth to those Talibans'.

The news comes a full seven months before Christmas, the earliest recorded banning of the Christian festival since history began when Jesus made the Earth in 1,500 BC.

Last year, Christmas survived until mid September, when it was outlawed by Yorkshire for fear of making Sikhs cry or something.

Nuclear Super Paedos At Large

A new breed of radioactive super paedophile is feared to be stalking Britain, posing the greatest threat to your children since video games and Facebook.

Tom Leopold, a college principal, was due to appear in court facing five charges of making and possessing child pornography, but absconded just days before his trial was to begin.

It is believed he was kidnapped by shadowy government agents as part of 'Operation Child Threat', a secret Labour scheme to undermine the middle-classes by snatching their proletariat offspring and turning them all into junior state officials with the power to issue on-the-spot fines for minor misdeeds such as whistling, littering and assault.

Sources claim Leopold was microwaved at full power until he developed super powers such as X-Ray vision and the chameleon-like ability to seamlessly blend into surroundings - including schools and bowling alleys. Government insiders say super paedos, or 'speedos', are one of the most effective methods of assaulting the traditional British family values Labour hates so much.

A judge issued a warrant for his arrest after learning of Leopold's terrifying mutation, warning police not to approach the 'radioactive' suspect in case he electricked them with his fingers.

He had been stopped by police three weeks earlier as he boarded a ferry to Ireland, but was able to escape after using Jedi mind-tricks to convince officers that his bail conditions had been relaxed and that he would be returning soon. He had a one-way ticket and has been previously convicted of absconding bail.