The Enemy of Our Enemy is Our Friend

The BBC is even worse than the Stalinist Labour government and its unelected dictator Gordon McBroon, it emerged today.

The Daily Mail's resident auntie-watcher Liz Thomas lept to the defence of Britain's PM today after BBC presenter Jeremy Clarkson called him a rude name, despite the well established fact that McBroon is the amalgamated reincarnation of Stalin, Mussolini and Norse demon god of fire and trickery, Loki.

Clarkson's unforgivable description of McBroon as a 'one-eyed Scottish idiot' sparked outrage and led to a flurry of nearly one complaint, as the state-controlled broadcaster faced mounting calls from nobody for the jean-wearing presenter's immediate dismissal.

The sickening remarks were made 10,000 miles away in the former prison colony of Australia, as Clarkson - who came under fire last year for swearing, destroying icons of Britishness and offending lorry drivers - hosted a press conference about Top Gear Live, a stage version of the irresponsible BBC motor show which regularly encourages viewers to break the speed limit and smoke dangerous substances.

After the vicious insult, he said to co-star Richard Hammond: 'I said that out loud, didn't I?', before facetiously laughing the situation off as if it nobody would be outraged when they read about it in England.

The BBC issued a statement noting that the presenter had apologised and said no further action would be taken because of this. A spokesman said: 'Really? Look, you've called us 11 times already today. Please go away. No, we don't have any comment on the rumours that Paxman skins kittens alive. Pardon? No, we won't refund your licence fee because you don't like Chris Moyles. Just turn the radio off.'

Get Him

This is simply a step too far.

After outraging bus enthusiasts by wantonly exploding a routemaster, offending Britain's sensitive lorry driving community, and, worst of all, earning more money than you, Jeremy Clarkson has sparked fresh outrage and horror by making an obscene hand gesture at an American police officer (or 'cop').

Critics immediately called for a ban on all TV gesticulations and the suspension of Clarkson for three months without pay, just like that other presenter we don't like.

The BBC is now facing demands to fit straight-jackets and muzzles to all of its presenters, broadcast programmes without sound lest audiences hear swears, and to issue all license fee payers with free light-deflecting spectacles to use if something rude is about to happen. An email alert system, warning taxpayers of impending rudeness so they can tune in and subsequently complain about offensive programming they might otherwise have missed, is also being looked into.