Tamara Cohen, a real journalist who also likes to write about bacon flavoured chocolate and badges that glorify knife crime, describes in a damning report how 'One of the children's toys - made from customised Lego men - resembles a masked follower of Osama bin Laden complete with a rocket launcher, assault rifle and grenades.'
It is unknown exactly how many terrorist atrocities have already been carried out by pre-teens corrupted by the 'warped' toys, but sources say it is probably a lot. Shortly after details of the toys emerged, insiders revealed that MI5 are currently investigating a two year old boy, who cannot be named for legal reasons, for threatening a 'major' attack against British interests abroad. The allegations were made by the boy's older sibling, who claims the young Jihadi also stole his Tickle Me Elmo.
The sick 'toys', which are actually really cool, are the twisted creation of a company called BrickArms, which specialises in kidnapping ordinary, hard-working young Lego people and brainwashing them into becoming Taliban devotees. When we called him up and demanded to know just why he was corrupting the nation's children by exposing them to Lego meanies instead of turning the little yellow chaps into whimsical fairy tale characters and pixies, he sighed: 'It's not my intention to glorify terrorism or Nazis - but kids love the bad guys', before asking why we thought this was news and if we were seriously journalists.
There were growing calls last night for a complete ban on toys modelled on unsavoury characters such as bank robbers and Germans, lest kids grow up believing that bad people exist. One local resident said: 'Whatever's next? Toy cowboys and Indians? Model fighter planes with guns and bombs? Kids will be running around pretending to be cops and robbers shooting each other on make-believe trains before we know it.'
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