New cost cutting measures introduced by Daily Mail

As part of a new cost-cutting drive to stave off the inevitable collapse of its print business, The Daily Mail has begun sourcing articles from its own letters pages.

The move follows last week's revelation that the Mail has already reduced overheads by stealing content from third party websites without payment or consent for use on MailOnline (now Britian's most visited newspaper website).

An article titled 'Father's fury over "pornographic" candy wrappers' in today's Mail recounts the story of Simon Simpkins of Pontefract, who expressed disgust at the depiction of 'a lemon and a lime locked in what appears to be a carnal encounter' on the packaging of a Maoam sweet bar.

Mr Simpkins, of course, had actually expressed his disgust in a letter to the very same Daily Mail, only the day before.

Following publication, the outraged tirade against the horrors of confectionary packaging quickly became an internet sensation, but prompted many to wonder whether the church-going father of two was in fact the creation of a hoax letter writer intended to make light of the Mail's censorious attitude to the sins of the flesh. Some have also pointed out that Pontefract is, coincedentally, home to the Haribo sweet company's UK headquarters, and it has been noted that a similar prank was pulled by German students in 2004.

Given the Mail's track record in investigative journalism and source checking, nobody is holding their breath for fresh information as to whether Mr Simpkins is real or not.

Insiders have revealed further cost-cutting plans being considered include divining stories from tea leaves, employing chimps with typewriters who accept below minimum wage pay rates, and integrating the Daily Mail-o-matic into MailOnline's homepage for instant, user generated headlines that negate the need for costly sub-editors. Experts have said that such measures may in fact see journalistic standards rise.