PLATELL: Immigration, sterilisation, euthanasia needed to stem Britain's population crisis

Now I haven't actually looked at the statistics, but one thing is clear from the latest Government migration report - Britain is close to bursting point, and it's only a matter of time before our little island sinks into the North Sea, groaning under the weight of its own populace.

Even the Marxists at the BBC are reporting 'the biggest population increase for almost 50 years', along with the terrifying news that the population has finally balooned past the 61m milestone. The evidence of an impending catastrophe can no longer be ignored: only yesterday I had to queue up in Waitrose behind 3 other people, adding another 5 minutes to my already nauseating weekly shop. Then, as I was driving home at 6 o'clock, I had to spend nearly half an hour sitting in traffic - caused, no doubt, by hundreds of people all traveling to see their hundreds of children. Make no mistake - there are simply too many people in Britain now.

Normally, it's perfectly easy for poorly informed columnists like myself to come up with a solution: throw out the immigrants and get rid of the benefit culture that brings them here in the first place. I, and my colleagues at the Mail, have suggested this over and over again, but it's always fallen on deaf ears.

This time, however, it's a bit more complicated. According to the report [pdf], we don't need to throw out the immigrants because they're already throwing themselves out by the bucketload. I don't like numbers so I didn't read past page 3, but apparently, 'Net migration to the UK was 44 per cent lower than in the year to December 2007', and foreign immigration is declining year on year, while non-British emigration has increased by over 50%! Finally, we've got what we want!

Even the most ridiculous, under informed journalist can see that the population explosion of 0.7% is not, in fact, caused by 'soaring immigration', so I won't try that angle. And while only an absolute moron would say something like 'We are now the second most densely populated country in the world' when we're actually 52nd, I still firmly believe that something needs to be done.

The problem is babies. Vomitous, sleep wrecking poop machines, babies are to blame for almost all of society's ills, including our population explosion. Without babies, there would be no annual rise in population and everything would be ok again, just like it was in 1962.

The only solution is compulsory sterilisation - something my fellow Mail columnist AN Wilson touched upon only a few weeks ago. Would it be so awful to simply sterilise the ugly, the stupid, and the feckless? I think not. How many teenage parents are married or even have their children's father around? How many have jobs or are supported by someone who does? How many live off benefits? What I'm trying to get at is, how many of these child-rearing cretins are like us? Not many. Off with their tubes, I say. Spare the snip, spoil the country.

The second problem is emigration. Undeniably, the data show that as non-British emigration has risen, the population has increased too. All these years we've been railing against the wrong thing! Unless we want to see Britain hopelessly overcrowded and spend the rest of our lives queueing in supermarkets, we must encourage greater numbers of foreign migrants to come over here and take our stuff. If, perhaps, we could permit only homosexual immigrants in, while encouraging heterosexual indigenous British people to leave for foreign shores, the whole problem of population growth would simply vanish. Obviously we'd have to ban gay adoption too, lest those single mothers think they can reproduce with abandon and give the resulting child to the nearest queen or lesbian.

Lastly, I can't help notice that not enough old people are dying. This march of the over 85s is as much of a threat to our nation's stability as all those nasty single mothers and heterosexual white folk. The Government calls these people 'economically inactive' - they literally contribute nothing to society, and if ever there was a time for the euthanasia debate to be reignited, it is now.

These wrinkly drains on the economy must be culled with the greatest of haste. I've heard that America is to introduce 'Death panels' to deal with their over crowding problem, and, to my mind, it is high time we did the same. Nobody likes visiting their grandma anyway; why not just do away with her altogether?

The truth of the matter is that it's not so much a baby boom we're experiencing as a heterosexual old white person boom. Middle Britain, stand ready to open your borders and euthanasia clinics if you wish to survive.