Build it and they will come, hopes Martin Clarke

MailOnline webmaster Martin Clarke is unhappy with the way HitWise and ComScore measure web traffic and wants monitoring firms to take into account what content users are actually engaging with.

With sales of the dead tree Mail plummeting faster than Lord Rothermere's favourite zeppelin, Clarke believes the key to securing future Mailish success lies in convincing media agencies that readers are engaging with the paper's pernicious brand of ultra-conservative right-wing intolerance and not just staying long enough to knock one out before sodding off to grab the nearest box of mansize Cleenex:

"The obsession with opaque monthly unique visitor figures does our industry no favours. British newspaper websites need to prove that they are doing more than providing free content to third party aggregators who deliver low value casual users.

In these difficult times we have to build dedicated audiences who make a conscious effort to visit us as trusted providers of news and spend significant amounts of time engaged with our content."

In other news, here's 36 and a half tits, super-freaky pictures of a woman's arms, some cheeky side-boob action, and some toss about Lindsay Lohan's feet.

MailOnline infested with foreigners

Almost three-quarters of Mail Online readers are foreigners who don't even live in Britain but probably want to move here to claim benefits, it has emerged.

Shocking new figures have revealed that of the 29.3m people inexplicably visiting the Mail's online internetular hypertext webhate site each month, only 8.3m (28%) are decent British folk, while 72% reside in far off lands such as Iran, Africa and Wales.

While some of the foreign visitors can be accounted for by the millions of expats living in Spain who have been forced out of their homeland by two terms of New Labour tax-grabbing multicultural political correctness gone mad, fears are growing that a large proportion of foreign readers may be visiting Mail Online to learn more about Britain before coming over here to take things such as jobs and your house.

There are also concerns that overseas terrorists could use Mail Online to build a picture of modern Britain and it's people in order to explode things, somehow tomorrow.

Despite the influx of virtual immigrants, Mail Online publisher Martin Clarke said he was pleased that the site's strategy of filling its pages with pictures of scantily clad female celebrities on holiday, judicious use of popular keywords, and focus on the banal had delivered a 91% year on year rise in daily traffic. On average, 1.7m surfers got lost searching for celebrity nip slips and upskirt shots and ended up on Mail Online every day, said a delighted Clarke.

ComScore figures for May 2009 also reveal the increasing amounts of time MailOnline readers spend on the boob 'n' bile filled site.

MailOnline’s UK readers spend longer on the site per day than Telegraph, Times, or Guardian readers and spend more time looking at each page, presumably one-handed.