Revealed: How Labour ministers are dodging Darling's 45p rate

Incriminating figures revealed today how MPs are shamefully dodging new higher rate taxes announced by Minister for Financial Wrongdoings, Alistair 'Darling'.

Darling, who hopes to one day increase taxes to 100% for private sector workers, last week unveiled 'punitive' compulsory donations to the state in the form of a top rate tax of a debilitating 45p in the pound. Many high profile high earners like Paul Dacre and Richard Littlejohn reacted with fury to the prospect of being forced to cut back on Faberge eggs, yachts for their dogs and mansions in Florida.

With his 'Leninesque' pre-budget report, Darling smashed the hopes and dreams of those earning over £150,000 ever being able to afford to shop at Waitrose or ride first-class on the trains by increasing top rate income tax by 5%, coupled with a gigantic 0.5% rise in national insurance 'contributions'.

However, one newspaper calculated that the tax hikes will leave government ministers unaffected - becuase they deliberately earn less than the £150k threshold. The shocking statistics reveal that '23 members of the Cabinet earn £138,724', granting the sneaky policy makers immunity from Darling's socialist taxing scheme.

By intentionally earning £11,276 less than the threshold, government minions will be saving themselves a massive £7,500 - the difference an extra 5% will make to a £150k salary. Despite getting a bit muddled up and claiming that the 45p tax rate applies to those earning over £140k (an easy mistake what with all these big numbers flying around), Glen Owen also reminded outraged readers in his damning report that Labour MPs are given a sickening 'second home allowance'.

The £24,006 allowance means ministers are able to buy pimped-out London bachelor pads, supposedly for official purposes. It is thought by many, however, that the residences are actually filled with the latest video games consoles, pool tables and exotic caged animals from the Orient.

The TaxPayer's Alliance insta-quote machine had this to say: 'zzzzt BLIP...It is unreasonable for MPs to get tax breaks not available to the ordinary public...BLOOP...How can hard-working families expect to get a good deal on tax...beep beep gggghhhhft', before shutting down in a blinding flare of sanctimonious faux-outrage.

The Quail will be leading a campaign in the coming years to reduce the top rate tax threshold to £20,000 to make absolutely sure that no government employees are able to dodge the brutal taxes that have been levied against ordinary, poor, hard-working citizens like you.

Daily Mail Website Hacked by Leftist Thought Police

The Daily Mail's online-web intersite appeared to have been the target of a horrific cyber attack today, as unknown forces deployed a communist style comment ratings system designed to suppress freedom of speech and encourage liberal piffle.

Traditionally, commenters have been free to comment on articles (provided they are approved by Mailish moderators, or 'Guardians of the Word') without fear of appearing stupid if they write ill-informed, reactionary, nonsensical ramblings.

But today an outrageous rating system appeared allowing total strangers, who might even be paedophiles or foreigners, to unilaterally judge whether or not a comment is worthwhile. By simply pressing an 'up' or 'down' button, anonymous cowards are able to condemn the common sense rants of ordinary, tax-paying citizens disgusted by the awful state of our country under Ze NuLiar-bore rule.

Furious A Walker from Leeds discovered to his shock that, after leaving a perfectly relevant, well-researched comment under an article about a young woman killed in a police collision, his words had been given the poorest rating on the page.


Similarly, 'punch_t' from Spain found to his horror that his comment on an article about a special type of water enabling people to live to 100 had been voted down purely because it didn't make any sense and contained comedically poor spelling:

Sources speculated that the fiasco could be the work of the same insane left wing scum-monkeys responsible for the infamous Julie Moult smear campaign that saw her name associated with insulting terms like 'is an idiot', and the disgraceful attack on Vice President Palin's electronic mail account.

One commenter told us: 'How am I supposed to make people listen to me now? Just because some NuLab commie doesn't like how I tell it like it is, my comments are going to look stupid. This is political correctness gone mad. These cyber criminals need to be banned.'

However, there was one glimmer of hope for the hordes of angry commenters incensed by the arront to their freedom of expression - the ratings system appears to have no effect whatsoever. Comments that have been voted down consistently will continue to enjoy just as much exposure as those judged to be 'sensible', as votes do not affect the position or visibility on the page:

Cause of Britain's £100bn black hole found

Startling evidence revealing the cause of Britain's economic crisis and a £100bn financial black hole has been unearthed by The Quail.

Labour-run Lancashire County Council has hired TEN SAS troops to engage in covert dustbin monitoring operations, spying on residents' 'waste patterns' in a poorly-disguised attempt at gathering sensitive information on local householders. The scandal was only discovered when a Burnley woman saw suspicious looking men putting her bin bags into a council van.

The Tax Payer's Alliance auto-quote machine said of the situation: 'Beep! Generating outraged response...zzzzt....This is a lot of money to spend purely on being nosey parkers. People want their bins collecting promptly and regularly, not being rooted through by council officials. Given the council’s financial problems they should save this money and use it to reduce costs elsewhere....bloop...END OF TRANSMISSION'

As householders erupted with fury over the move, it emerged that each special forces unit is paid up to £70,000 per year to violate their privacy. Assuming each 'spook' claims, on average, £500,000 expenses every year, and 500 extra units are mobilised in the next three years, along with Winterval bonuses paid at an expected £10m each, and day-to-day running costs and equipment totalling approximately £1.5m every 9 months, it becomes painfully clear why Alistair Darling's pre-budget report contains a gaping £10bn black hole.

As many as 400 unsuspecting households in Burnley, Pendle, Rossendale, the Ribble Valley and Hyndburn are under threat from the snoopers. Your house might even be targeted, if you live there, and perhaps even if you live somewhere else, one day - if the nightmarish scheme is rolled out nationwide. Which it probably will be.

It is estimated that around £1m will be raised by the terrifying bin spies from collecting accidentally discarded wallets and stealing sensitive personal financial information. Sources suggest this money will be used to buy shares in failing foreign companies and boost city traders' annual bonuses.

Bringing You the News that REALLY Matters

Ex supermodel and presenter of The Big Breakfast Kelly Brook wore a black dress yesterday.

Brook, who we like because she's not too fat and not too thin, has been spotted wearing clothes on numerous other ocassions as well. Find the full captivating stories here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here.

In other news, some bloke had a meeting with some other blokes, and an old bald guy said some stuff about China or something.

Newspaper calls for vigilante action against Baby P mother

The taxpayer faces a multimillion-pound bill to give the evil mother of Baby P a new identity when she leaves prison - just because British law guarantees EVERYONE the 'right' to life.

The unprecedented decision to provide the woman a new identity, home and round-the-clock police protection follows identical arrangements made for other notorious convicts like Maxine Carr, child killer Mary Bell, and Jon Venables and Robert Thompson, who murdered toddler James Bulger. Because of such ridiculous measures, rapists, child-molestors and murderers are able to freely roam the streets after serving time in jail without being justly slaughtered by crusading vigilantes.

Despite the proliferation of groups calling for some medieval style capital punishment, it seems that the government will be unwilling to provide details of Baby P's mother's exact location, or even her name, upon release from prison, making it very difficult for vigilantes to hunt her down and kill her.

She faces up to 14 years behind bars when she is sentenced next month, but it is likely that, nearing her release, solicitors will apply to the High Court to rule that her new identity and whereabouts may not be revealed in the media. The basis of the application by Baby P's mother for lifelong anonymity would be Article 2 of the so-called Human Rights Act, the right to life, and Article 8, the right to privacy and family life. Outrageously, there are no articles in the Act allowing the murder of individuals who have commited heinous crimes.

However, it is hoped that by publicising the good work of groups calling for vigilante action, and naming places where posters can be found that carry information such as her name and photograph, enough people will remember to murder her before she can be given a new identity when she is released. Similarly, by inciting the anger of readers by telling them that they face a massive bill 'now', when in fact the protection order will not be enacted for at least a decade and a half, it is hoped that people might be whipped into such a rage that they will find a way to kill the mother before she can even make it to jail.

Many commenters have called for the return of Outlawry, whereby criminals are stripped of all their rights to protection from the justice system, saving the taxpayer millions of pounds by ensuring that mob justice prevails and the convict is done away with once and for all.


Analysts believe the elegant solution of outlawry would provide an answer to almost all of Britain's ills; millions would be saved on protection, relocation orders and jail space, while hoodies could be given names and addresses of convicts, keeping them busy while they seek out and destroy the evil-doers.

Insiders believe it would be a quick and easy task to appoint a panel responsible for deciding who should be granted protection from the law and who shouldn't, as internet message boards are already teeming with people who know who deserves human rights, and who should live and die:

Richard 'Quail' Littlejohn

Florida resident Richard Littlejohn today wrote an 'hilarious' article satirising reports of the leaked BNP member list, pretending that it was in fact the Labour party that had its party member list leaked 'by a drunken civil servant'.

It is thought Littlejohn was inspired by a similar post that appeared yesterday on an interworldwidenet hyper netlog that also confused the BNP with another right-wing organisation for comedic purposes.

However, many readers were left scratching their heads as to what exactly Littlejohn was talking about, as some insiders speculated that the fearless columnist had in fact been the victim of a left-wing 'googlesockpuppetbombing' campaign. Some of the passages in 'Littlejohn's' article are so nonsensical that analysts said it could all be part of some great liberal conspiracy to tarnish Richard's reputation as a real journalist, because that's what he is.

Here are some:

"Many of [the Labour party members] have never had a proper job in their lives and harbour dubious histories, in some cases descending into outright criminality.
They include a significant number of extremists, including plenty who previously belonged to an assortment of Trotskyite and Communist organisations - facts they have tried to conceal from the public"

"On the afternoon we contacted her at the address listed, she told our reporter that he had been a very naughty boy, demanded to see his identity card and said everything he did was being recorded on CCTV and may be used against him on YouTube."

"The leaked details also reveal the staggering fall in membership of the Conservative Party since 2005. The names of everyone considered potentially racist, homophobic, Eurosceptic, doubtful about global warming, or even vaguely Thatcherite, have been crossed out."

One commenter said of the article: 'WTF? Is he on crack?'

Suicide teen 'was just doing it for the lulz'

Reports that a 19-year old Floridan filmed his own death and broadcast it live on the internet are greatly exaggerated, according to inside sources.

More than 180 people (or 1,500 according to some publications) watched in horror as Abraham K Biggs deliberately took a drugs overdose while broadcasting on video streaming website Justin.tv.

Despite this seemingly infallible evidence of his demise, however, a user by the name of ApatoJay, posting on the bodybuilding.com forums where Biggs had discussed his suicidal feelings, revealed that in fact 'he did it for the lulz' and it was 'NOT a suicide'.

Another user concluded that while Biggs might not just have been seeking 'lulz', and might really have taken his own life, it was about time: 'Honestly, I was tired of him coming here every few months to talked about ODing and trying to kill himself again', said the compassionate 'twiddyINC'.

One newspaper excitedly told readers how, despite Justin.tv deleting the footage of Bigg's death, 'the suicide note and video clips can still be found after they were posted elsewhere on the internet', and told of 'a wave of concern following 17 internet-related suicides within the UK since 2001'.

This enormous number of deaths over such a short period has led many people to believe that internet gremlins could be responsible, whispering into peoples' ears to persuade them to kill themselves. Understandably, calls have already been made for the internet to be banned, as it was so clearly the sole factor in all of these suicides:

Expect a campaign, any day now.

Fury as ENTIRE Daily Mail subsciber list is leaked on interweb

Left-wing nuts were under fire today over the leaking of a list of over 10,000 names of Daily Mail readers.

The leaked list exposes how deeply the message of the far-Right newspaper has penetrated the British political psyche - serving police officers, Church of England vicars, members of the Armed Forces, an actor, leading businessmen and former civil servants are all in there.

One subscriber, who pretended to his family and friends for over 10 years that he was an Independent reader, said: 'Jesus H Christ! Its true, I've just seen my details!'. Another pointed out: 'The most shocking thing is some of the comments by the names! God help anyone who is in the army, the pison service, health care, police officer or a teacher.' It is feared that employers might use the list to find out which of their workers waste hours of their working days covertly reading the likes of Fred Bassett, Mad Mel and Richard Littledick, and use the information against them.

A subscriptions manager for the paper growled: 'If we find out who published this list, it will turn out to be one of the most foolish things they have done in their life. I wouldn't want to have done that - I wouldn't be sleeping very well tonight'. Inside sources have warned people to start checking their beds for horse's heads before getting in.

BNP leader Nick Griffin, who receives most party applications from referrals from the newspaper, called for protection for the 'skinhead oiks' on the list, and vowed to use the Human Rights Act, which is based on EU regulation, to protect them. The BNP has always been a staunch supporter of EU legislation.

'Political Indoctrination' 'caused Britain to descend into an age of barbarism', says hate cleric

A stunning polemic was delivered today by Melanie 'Mad as snakes' Phillips, who describes herself as 'progressive' and 'liberal'.

Examing the tragic case of Baby P, Mel 'The Merciless' bravely came to the brave conclusion that his apalling treatment and horrific death was not in fact the fault of his depraved and psychopathic parents as much as it was the doing of 'the so-called progressive intelligentsia'.

Laying the blame at a panoply of of perpetrators, the crazed columnist pointed a bony finger at everyone and everything from lone mothers to academic research, fixing an icy stare on 'self-regarding social commentators and corrupted academics, feminist zealots and spineless male child psychologists and psychiatrists and sociologists' along the way.

In a daring broadside against pretty much everything done by anyone with a degree in something, she battered the 'left-wing intelligentsia' with a great, spiky, metaphorical bear club for indoctrinating us all in the 'political correctness' that dared '[supply] lone mothers with benefits on the basis that they were most in need.' It goes without saying, of course, that lone mothers are far from 'most in need'. Conversely, they live it up something wonderful, according to statistics that someone in the pub told me about.

Painting an all too familiar picture of 'a shattered social landscape', Mel 'The Malevolent' described insightfully how 'Neglect is routine' in all British families nowadays, detailing objectively and honestly how 'sex with relatives or step-relatives [is] commonplace; drug abuse, crime and systematic dishonesty a way of life'. Data gathered by 'Monstrous' Mel herself, this morning, reveals that nine out of ten families does indeed indulge in neglect, incest, hard-core drugs, crime and telling lies every single day. All because of New Labour's 'doctrine that all lifestyles must be considered equal and that no one has right to pass judgment on anyone else'. It is unclear exactly what doctrine she refers to, but we're sure it's pretty awful and that Nu Liarbor did it.

The Baby P case, and that of of the two babies killed by their metally ill mother last week, 'are not aberrations', Mel 'The Malignant' tells us. The fact that both cases involved particularly and peculiarly deranged parents is not significant, neither is the fact that, thankfully, there are very few cases quite as abhorrant as these. The problem is in fact widespread and common. Sex, drugs and incest are absolutely the norm, and so is infanticide - but only Ms. Phillips dares say it.

Rounding off an astoundingly balanced and perceptive essay, backed up by a vast amount of evidence throughout, Mel 'The Malodorous' makes a final swipe at an aspect of society she had forgotton to discuss previously, but is nonetheless absolutely to blame for Baby P's death (and a lot of other bad things) somehow: multiculturalism.

Yes. It is the blood-thirsty, cowardly, superior, power-hungry 'progressive intelligentsia' again who deserve to have the blame laid entirely at their feet for 'enforcing the doctrines of multi-culturalism and nonjudgmentalism' on our fair but corrupted land, 'with the zealotry of the fanatic'. These are 'the people who really have blood on their hands' 'Misfit' Mel concludes with a seething eloquence, and multi-culturalism has its deviant part to play in the whole sickening charade.

She decides boldly to completely ignore Baby P's parents, who literally had blood on their hands after torturing, abusing, and, finally, murdering him. Compared to educated left-wing public sector workers, they're as good as innocent, says she, because it was they that created the parents in the first place.

It is metaphorical blood that stains deepest, for this liberal.

Ban Russell Brand NOW

Vile Russell Brand was under fire once again last night after admitting that the only reason he has big hair is to make women think he's gay - all so he can lure them into bed where he will do all manner of unspeakable, demeaning things like touching them and things.

The sick, bouffant-haired devil-worshipper even revealed that he regularly impregnates unsuspecting ladies with the intention of creating an entire generation of mini Brands. It is thought that, with the help of these 'Brand spawn', the comedian might one day be able to launch an attack on decency and traditional values so vicious that the very earth upon which England lies might dissolve into a seething pit of offensive language and depraved 'humour', leaving nothing but Channel Five, FHM and punk rock swirling in a putrid vortex of loose morals and self-gratification.

Brand's claims emerged in a shocking interview with American TV host David Letterman, after Brand shamefully resigned from his BBC job and escaped like a disgraced criminal to America. He has been succesfully tormented out of Britain following The Mail's glorious and incisive victory against his tasteless style of so-called humour, but it seems he is determined to wreak his filth now upon the USA.

As most British viewers would probably not get the chance to be offended by this latest sick bile, Quail readers are encouraged to click on this HTML internet ultralink, where they can download the full interview. Make sure to visit this site afterwards to register your abject horror and disgust afterwards.

Fat People rewarded for being overweight - And guess who's paying?

A ludicrous new government scheme to bribe fat people into walking around more was condemned as 'dubious' and open to 'abuse and fraud' yesterday.

The 'Healthy Towns' initiative, which is to be implemented in Britain's blobbiest communes like Dudley, Sheffield and London, consists of rewarding walking meatballs with points which can then be exchanged for trainers or apples. Points are collected by swiping a 'smart-card' against readers in parks or at schools - it is hoped the system will encourage obese people to waddle their children to school rather than driving like normals.

However, Matthew Elliot, of rent-a-quote agency TaxPayers' Alliance, said: 'It would be so easy for someone to hop out of their car for a second to go and swipe their card, enabling them to claim they had walked to school.' Sales of extra large sized mobility scooters are expected to rocket, as fatties buy them to zip quickly around parks collecting points at double-quick speed. Insiders have warned of the frightening possibility of a 'points for doughnuts' black market being created by foreign gangsters to exploit the initiative.

Elliot also pointed out that the scheme would almost certainly cost a certain amount of money to implement, which would almost certainly be way too much and result in tax hikes of up to 100% for ordinary, slim, hard-working Brits.

'Healthy people pay quite enough tax already without having to bribe the obese or put cash into the pockets of fraudsters' he seethed. It is unclear exactly who the fraudsters in question might be, but one local resident agreed: 'Why should I have to pay to help someone else just so they can live a bit longer and sit around eating pies? It's almost as if there's some kind of politically correct "welfare state" at work here.'

Metro on: Pixelated Lap Dances

Strippers can do it virtually

Huzzah!

Note: Unfortunately, the Metro reserves its moronity only for its printed rag.

The online version usually runs with a more sensible (therefore less entertaining) version. I guess someone realises after rushing their copy out, 'Oh no, that headline's terrible!'

The wonders of digital publishing.

Anyway, if anyone knows where to get scans of Metro pages, let me know.

* Update *

If you want to see the tripe in all its poorly sub-edited glory, do what Tim says below. In future I'll link to that with a page reference.

Maybe.

Get Him

This is simply a step too far.

After outraging bus enthusiasts by wantonly exploding a routemaster, offending Britain's sensitive lorry driving community, and, worst of all, earning more money than you, Jeremy Clarkson has sparked fresh outrage and horror by making an obscene hand gesture at an American police officer (or 'cop').

Critics immediately called for a ban on all TV gesticulations and the suspension of Clarkson for three months without pay, just like that other presenter we don't like.

The BBC is now facing demands to fit straight-jackets and muzzles to all of its presenters, broadcast programmes without sound lest audiences hear swears, and to issue all license fee payers with free light-deflecting spectacles to use if something rude is about to happen. An email alert system, warning taxpayers of impending rudeness so they can tune in and subsequently complain about offensive programming they might otherwise have missed, is also being looked into.

Dacre Addresses the Gathered Masses

Illustrious tabliod Godhead Paul Dacre made an empassioned plea last night for press freedom, begging the over-bearing and didactic courts of this land to stop harrassing honest newspapers that selflessly publish scandalous stories in the public interest.

He also railed against the 'ubiquity' of the BBC, which, like a great snake devouring small children playing happily in the green pastures of middle England, is crushing regional press. Addressing a rapt audience of fellow newspaper editors, Dacre beat his chest and waved his arms wildly as he cried: 'Make no mistake, we are witnessing the seemingly inexorable growth of effectively a dominant state-sponsored news service', before reportedly fainting at the power of his own rhetoric.

Inside sources said that Dacre's words gave a subtle insight into his newspaper's recent critical, but balanced, coverage of the shameful goings on at the dark heart of the Beeb.

Dacre, who is currently fighting to save his reputation following allegations of sexual harrasment, reserved his greatest venom for high court judge Justice Eady, who earlier this year dared to allow sick pervert Max Mosley to be given fair treatment by the law, despite the fact he did some really naughty things.

Bravely calling Eady 'arrogant and amoral', he blasted the 'wretched Human Rights Act' that 'effectively ruled that it was perfectly acceptable for the multi-millionaire head of a multi-billion pound sport, followed by countless young people, to pay five women £2,500 to take part in acts of unimaginable sexual depravity with him'. Dacre's supporters agreed that the Mosley case was 'disgraceful and absurd', and that people who do things that some people find a bit tasteless should be publicly flaggellated for being gross and 'just plain wrong'.

One anonymous source said: 'Human Rights Act? Pfft. What about the rights of poor, hard-working national tabloids to print stories about consenting adults doing disgusting things to each other in the privacy of their own homes? It's just wrong and we don't need to stand for it any more. Won't somebody think of the PRESS?!'

Dacre added eloquently: 'Now some revile a moralising media. Others, such as myself, believe it is the duty of the media to take an ethical stand. Either way, it is a choice but Justice Eady [boo], with his awesome powers, has taken away our freedom of expression to make that choice [by upholding the law].' Sources close to Dacre said that he was incensed that Mr Eady chose not to create new laws allowing the News of The World to invade people's privacy and print lies, when the subject matter was of great importance. Good sir Paul then went on to suggest that Mr Eady's wife and daughter were not above nazi orgies with Max Mosley themselves, and might even be prositutes, by cleverly asking: 'Would he feel the same, I wonder, if one of those women had been his wife or daughter?' Zing.

Another day, Another race claim

British readers of a popular pro-establishment/anti-government newspaper today voiced their incredulity at the news that YET ANOTHER non-Brit has decided to launch a race claim against his employer.

Not content with the thousands of other race claims already being flung around on a daily basis, IT manager Vinod Rajdev decided to complain about his treatment at the hands of fellow workers, after finding a comical picture on his desk in which his face had been superimposed onto that of Osama bin Laden's right-hand-man Ayman al-Zawahiri. Rajdev, a foreigner, says that his office antagonist, Mark Davis, used the famous 2001 photo of bin Laden with his second in command to humiliate him.

However, Maria from Derby was unconvinced, insightfully pointing out that:


Mr Rajdev, 58, alleges that he was also called a 'Paki' and 'Corner shop' by colleagues, which, for some reason, hurt his feelings.

But Bill from Hampshire had difficulty understanding why Rajdev didn't appreciate the convivial nicknames, as he told of similar cases of 'banter':

Similarly, Sarah from London couldn't see the problem with a bit of humour and racism in the workplace. After carefully analysing the situation, she deduced that in fact Rajdev had ENJOYED taking part in the innocent japes, before realising he could make some money out of a cynical race claim:


As it emerged that Mr Rajdev was demanding at least £50,000 in compensation over the claim, Stu from Oz suggested with a brilliant use of irony that there might be an ulterior motive for the case and questioned the Asian worker's principles:

Many silly race cases have recently hit the headlines, such as the Muslim chef who sued the Metropolitan Police because he didn't want to make bacon sandwiches, and Tarique Ghaffur, who claimed that he was passed over for promotion because of his ethnicity. Ghaffur's outrageous claim was likened by columnist Amanda Plattell to 'spitting in the face of the country that saved him', as he was described with stunning eloquence as 'a hypocrite' with a 'weepy back story', who was just 'piqued he didn't get the job he wanted'.

Egbert Nobacon from Essex picked up on Plattell's astute analysis, predicting that spurious race cases like Rajdev's and Ghaffur's would prove to be counter-productive to the millions of immigrants flooding into Britain to steal our jobs:


Jacqui Weems from Southampton echoed Nobacon's sentiments, and asked 'Who could blame them?' if employers stopped hiring foreigners all together:


Civica, Mr Rajdev's employer, said that Mr Rajdev had regarded the photo as no more than a 'bit of fun' and joined in all the 'office banter'.

But Mr Radjev's lawyer Joe Sykes hissed: 'We say that this was humiliation of an Asian worker which was crude and brutal discrimination and that the company should have held the culprits to account. Instead of backing the team leader, they gave his projects to junior team members and allowed the situation to escalate.'

*** Update ***

Comments have continued to spew in since this article went to press. The growing opinion amongst enlightened commenters is that Rajdev simply needs to stop taking racism so seriously:

Some news from the former British Colony of Virginia

Nothing of great importance happened today.

Oh ok then, we suppose something happened. Some leftie with a suspicious middle name who took drugs in college has been elected America's new commander-in-chief. Only because of his wife though.

But more importantly, Palin is going to be the USA's first woman president! Start holding your breath people!

Metro on: Ink, Noses and Xmas

A triple whammy of moronity today, over three consecutive pages of Metro rubbishness.

Live and let dye (for your thighs only)

Bloke gets a James Bond tattoo. Metro tries to fit as many terrible Bond puns into a headline as humanly possible. Turn the page....

Do you nose what Charles is smelling on his tour?

Prince Charles smells something on a tour of Asia. 'Nose' sounds like 'know'. Clever. Next page...

Yule never believe it...

Yep, another 'Christmas is banned' story. The Mail is running one today (see below), so scruffy little brother Metro must follow. Note the superfluous use of ellipsis, adding nothing to the headline whatsoever, other than poor syntax...

P.S. Apologies for the lack of links. The Metro is a bit too pants to actually update their website with their own printed content. You just can't get the staff these days.

Oxford bans Christmas, Forces Residents to Celebrate 'Winterval'

Yorkshire led the way this year, banning Christmas in September.

Now Oxfordshire is following suit in the inevitable annual Christmas banning frenzy, as council elders have decreed that Christmas is too obsecene and exclusive. Instead, they will force local residents to celebrate the 'Winter Light Festival', a carnival of debauchery, sado-masochism and BBC programming.

The scheme to replace Christmas with 'Winter Light', or 'Winterval', comes from faceless multi-national corporation 'Oxford Inspires', whose managing director may or may not be someone evil like Dracula, or possibly even the Grinch himself. Tei Williams, a PR bot representing the shadowy organisation roared victoriously: 'In Oxfordshire we have Winter Light which is a whole festival spanning two months [Bwahahaha-haw haw!]'.

Inside sources have revealed that attendance at the daily Winterval goat burnings will be compulsory for all Oxford residents; anyone daring not to attend will be tied naked to a great burned Christmas tree and beaten with rolls of wrapping paper.

Ed Turner, a hunchbacked senior Oxford council minion, spat defensively: 'We are not Christmas killers', before shuffling back into his cave to burn some letters to Santa and stamp on a rocking-horse. However, his claim was undermined by an Oxford Labour councillor who admitted: 'I am a PC Christmas-cancelling Christian-hating leftist loony Labour Scrooge'