Worst New Year in All British History Approaches

"The year that lies ahead threatens to be one of the most grim in all British history."

--Peter Oborne

Heavyweight conservative columnist Peter O'Bore today makes the above damning forecast for 2009.

While his thrilling piece on just why the new year will be so utterly shit is focused, balanced and not at all too long, The Quail will summarise it for readers who are too busy to spare the 3 hours required to read it/translate it into intelligible English: it's all because of that cretinous lefty welfare state.

Make sure to check The Mail over the coming days for Pete's arguments as to why the following years weren't really all that bad.

• AD 43 - The year the Romans stepped up their invasion of Britain; Emperor Claudius decided he'd had enough of those mother-loving barbarians skanking up Britain's mother-loving planes, and it was time to kick some ass. Taking over from Caligula, whose military strategy had included ordering his troops to attack the water of the English channel, Claudius subjected Britain to seventeen years of skewering and rogering, which saw such highlights as the rape and murder of Old English poster girl Boudica.
• 865 AD - After around 70 years of the odd bit of pillaging and monk-worrying, the Vikings got bored and properly invaded Britain. By this time the Romans had grown weary of the terrible weather and gone home, leaving our fair isle easy pickings. The Great Army of the Danes conquered pretty much everywhere, feeling the time was right to start killing kings instead of the peasants and nuns they had become accustomed to. There was much burning, looting, sex crimes and general horror.
• 1348 - The Black Death reached England, promising such fun new fashions as subepidermal hemorrhages and gangrene. When it reached London, 30,000 of the 70,000 strong population was wiped out in scenes of pustulating misery and unimaginable pain. The plague ended up killing up to 40% of Britain's entire population, which isn't that bad really because up to 60% of some other European countries' populations were wiped out. Silly Europeans. A mutated plague, dubbed 'Plague II', returned in 1603 and killed 38,000 Londoners. This was also a bad year.
• 1642 - Things got so confused in the political arena that everyone agreed that the best thing to do was just to have a great war to sort the men from the boys. In a war that was arguably more exciting than John Redwood's battle for leadership of the Tories in 1995, King Charles marched his army upon London, thinking it would all be over in a jiffy. In reality, things didn't turn out that simple, and the war stretched on for six dull but bloody years, while Britain was effectively left without a government. Oliver Cromwell, who set himself up as Lord Protector of Britain while the country was busy fighting itself, infamously cancelled Christmas in 1645, just for the lulz.
• 1914, 15, 16, 17 - World War I, caused by a few really simple things that don't need spelling out here, claimed the lives of 994,138 British people over the four years that it ravaged most of Europe. It can't have been that bad though, as it came to be affectionately known as 'The Great War' by many people. Fortunately, WWI had no lasting consequences, and once it was over, it was over.
• 1919 - Britain was doing economic depressions way before America made them cool in 1929, and 1919 saw the beginning of a 25% reduction in the country's economic output that lasted around twenty years. Unsurprisingly, the great depression, as it was jovially known, was exacerbated by other European countries like Poland, who claimed to have been plunged into insurmountable debt by WWI. Seeing how awesome the depression was, the USA had launched its own brand a decade later (which is almost how long it took them to enter WWI) which promised to be bigger, better and run longer than Britain's.
• 1939, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44 - WWI: The Sequel. A strange little man who would even give Melanie Philips a run for her money in the batshit mad stakes turned his grudge against an entire race of people into a programme of full-scale ethnic cleansing, forcing the more reasonable powers of the world (led by Britain) to respond with their biggest war yet. Despite support for his ideologies from one British newspaper, the general concensus was that Hitler probably didn't represent the best interests of world politics and needed dealing with. WWII resulted in over half a million British lives lost and as many movies about the heroics of American soldiers.

But 2009 will be worse.

Now Big Brother Britain Spies on Your Children

Comparisons were being drawn last night between New Labour Education Secretary Ed Balls and Josef Stalin, after it emerged that sinisterly named child catching organisation Classwatch had been hired to install monitoring equipment in hundreds of British classrooms to protect against the possibility of kids becoming ‘too Tory for their own good’.

The high tech equipment will be capable of capturing not just audio and visual information, but also thought crimes perpetrated by children as young as four. Equipment including menacing ceiling-mounted microphones and mysterious “hard drive” recording systems has already infiltrated around 85 primary and secondary schools, it was revealed.

The Big Brother style devices can be configured to record everything that goes on in a classroom for over 24 hours every single day and used to compile secret dossiers of bad behaviour, which might range from harmless chimp impersonations to the more serious crime of questioning Labour policy.

The autonomous pervasiveness of the Classwatch system was already being compared with the catastrophic implementation of the all-seeing HAL 9000 computer eight years ago aboard the International Space Station, which disastrously developed its own consciousness and waged a campaign of intimidation against the spaceship’s white middle-class taxpaying crew. One insider asked: ‘How long until these horrific devices become sentient and decide to try “teaching” the kids a lesson of their own? It’s just like that Terminator film. Won’t somebody think of the children?’

A spokesman for the Information Commissioner’s Office spoke out against the totalitarian scheme yesterday, saying the system raised “privacy concerns for teachers, students and their parents”, and that “The use of microphones to record conversations is deeply intrusive and we will be seeking further clarification on their use in schools and, if necessary, we will issue further guidance to head-teachers”.

He has not been seen since.

Lynne Featherstone IS a dizzy airhead, she just IS!

Remember that silly liberal woman who called 999 just because sparks were flying from her boiler and it was making a noise 'like a pneumatic drill'?

The story prompted a flurry of support for Lynne Featherstone, the 'dizzy airhead' in question, as fire brigade spokesmen and serving firefighters rallied behind her to point out that she had done the right thing by calling. 'If your boiler suddenly starts making strange noises in the middle of the night, call the fire brigade', they said categorically.

Meanwhile, Brian 'Mr Toad' Coleman, the honourable Tory councillor who caused the furore in the first place by branding Ms Featherstone a nitwit and sending press releases to local newspapers saying exactly that, was told unceremoniously to shut up by the Fire Brigades Union (in so many words) for suggesting that people should not call the emergency services in the case of a suspected emergency. 'His remarks about [Lynne Featherstone] were disgraceful', said the FBU's regional secretary for London.

To one pioneering newspaper, however, such details matter not. Covering the story of another silly woman who called 999 to ask if she could use the hard shoulder of a motorway to get to a pantomime on time, the right-wing tabloid printed a handy cut-out-n-keep guide to time wasting idiots who call the emergency services for stupid reasons.

Unfazed by the facts of the story, or, indeed, whether what they printed had any semblance of truth at all, the brave Mail listed Ms Featherstone's frantic call along side that of a silly foreigner in Huddersfield who called 999 to complain that his takeaway meal had too many onions and a bloke who thought the trains on the track behind his house were making funny noises.

'She was called a time waster by fire chiefs when [the banging noises from the boiler] turned out to be an airlock', the indispensible guide gloated.

It is unclear which 'fire chiefs' the article referred to, but the fact remains that Lynne Featherstone is clearly a silly lady for being scared of a malfunctioning boiler which could have exploded and killer her and her family, whatever authorities say. Just like that idiot Linda Lusardi. Tsk, women.

Don't these brown people make you sick?

This is the family of brown people costing British taxpayers a massive £12,000 every single year, or a staggering £1.2 MILLION per century.

Celestine Sejemani, who invaded Britain after tiring of his native Congo, claims incapacity benefit for him, his three children and his long term girlfriend Pierette. The couple are not married - but still she receives additional government payments such as tax credits and child benefits to look after her 'partner' and his ever-growing flock of 'naturalised British' children.

Unfortunately, Celestine is absolutely bloody typical of the once proud town of Falinge, where, out of 4,500 residents, now only 300 work. Welcome to the country's benefits capital, aka...

BRITISH GOMORRAH

Tom Rawstorne arrived late in the day at Falinge, when the evening was spread out against the sky like a patient etherised upon a table. Walking through half deserted streets, he passed muttering retreats of restless nights in one night cheap hotels and sawdust restaurants with oyster shells. A yellow fog rubbed its muzzle on window panes, and licked its tongue into the corners of the evening, lingering upon the pools that stand in drains.

'What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow out of this stony rubbish?', he cried in horror, as a dozen feral youths scurried past followed by a tired old woman with a bandage tied around her skull. Tom felt a cold surge of despair sear through his blood. 'I had not thought death had undone so many', he wept into his handkerchief, turned brown from short and infrequent sighs of anguish, muffled by the cloth.

Pressing on through the dead land, the cactus land, under the gaze of stone images receiving the supplication of a dead man's hand and the twinkle of a fading star, Tom saw one he knew, and stopped him. It was 79 year old local resident Alf Edwards; no more English a man could there be than old Alf, broken now by nine and seventy years of depravity in Falinge. The boy Tom, seeking reason for the cold inferno he saw around them, put it to Alf that the reason for this hell was unemployment and claims of ill health preventing work. To which he answered:

'Obviously some people are genuine, but there is a huge number who aren’t. They complain that there are no jobs or claim they suffer some difficult-to-diagnose illness, such as severe back pain. Once they get a doctor’s sick note it’s a gilt-edged passport to a life of lazing around — people just don’t have pride or self-respect any more.’ So said Alf, and upon the completion of these utterances, the wizened vision disappeared like dust into the wind, leaving poor Tom alone once again under the brown fog of a winter dawn.

Alf's words haunted the youthful journalist, as he poured over statistics and data from local sources. He had heard tell from the Falinge Job Centre that, indeed, there were hundreds of empty and unfilled jobs floating around the town like shades along the Styx, vainly waiting for the day that someone might come to give them life. But nobody would come; the residents sat mired in doubt, depression and terminal insecurity in their hovels, daytime television their only trusted friend. 'Do I dare?' and 'Do I dare?' they would wonder, before deciding no, turning back and descending down the stair of the Job Centre, back home to watch Jeremy Kyle just like yesterday, just like tomorrow, no doubt.

'Enough!', Tom could take no more of the filthy, pale faced, disenchanted people of the street and council block. Away he whisked himself to the relative warmth of a public house to meet a woman from another place, she of the lovely hair, the dread goddess who talks with mortals: Hilary Devey from Channel 4's Secret Millionaire.

'Son of The Mail and seed of the Tories, resourceful Tom Rawstorne, how is it then, unhappy man, you have left the sunlight and come here to look on dead men, and this place without pleasure? Now draw back from the bar and hold your sharp pen away from me, so that I may drink of the pint and speak the truth with you', said she as they sat down in the Slag's Head, the only local pub to escape closure.

Hilary had found herself in Falinge as part of Secret Millionaire in 2007. Her time in the inferno turned her a ghostly white, and the years ravaged her thrice as fast as out in the real world. Such was the price she paid to comprehend the place like one born into it.

'Aesthetically, the blocks of flats look like part of a prison,’says she. ‘Into them, Rochdale council has placed anyone who could be considered a no-hoper: drug-addicts, illegal immigrants and the rest. Consequently, the numbers of those out of work are going to be higher than elsewhere.'

In tales of hope dispelled and promise betrayed, Tom heard tales throughout the night of the heavy hand dealt to Falinge. In the time of young Oliver Twist, Falinge was a hub of the textile industry, while in more recent times employment came from the Turner Bros asbestos factory, which employed 3,500 people in the area alone. But as the rot of the late Eighties began to erode the hopes and dreams of so many communities, the dark satanic mills began to close and jobs were lost, opening the door to welfare subsistence and social deprivation.

Recent years saw the influx of strange, dark skinned men from far off lands with unpronouncable names, savages from the Orient and Jews who now squat on the window sills of decayed houses, taking extortionate rent from British families with little in their purse.

Sage Hilary tells of further troubles though; a malady that plagues the denizens of Falinge almost as much as these foreign invaders. 'I went into a pub when I arrived, supposedly to inquire about a job. There were five or six men who had clearly been drinking all day, and who subjected me to a diatribe of abuse. I remember thinking: "Where on earth did they get their money from to be able to do that?"'

There is a man who knows the answer - the local publican beckons young Tom over to his corner of the bar with a bony finger. From a yellow swirl of smoke and ash, his words rasp from his lips, hanging in the dead air like dust: 'People come in on the day they get their benefit money and then you don’t see them again until the next load of money arrives. On giro day we’re buzzing.'

Upon which, the publican looks straight through wily Tom as if he were not there at all, and casts a beady eye over his remaining clientele who sit slouched in dank corners, half conscious, a gaze flitting this way and that like a moth to a flame. It is the eleventh hour. 'HURRY UP PLEASE IT'S TIME', comes his other worldly voice, cracked and hollow as if forcing itself from some other world into the sludge of this small town. 'HURRY UP PLEASE IT'S TIME'

A new day dawns with almost palpable apathy, the sun hiding behind grey curtains of cloud, denying Falinge the light it so sorely needs. Rawstorne visits the Job Centre, searching for some hope in this vile pit, and to his bemusement, the boards teem with appointments and positions from £30,000-a-year managerial posts to £5.73-an-hour cleaning jobs! 'What's this! There's colour everywhere! What's this? It's like a recruitment fair!'

Alas no. 'Oh my child', comes some distant plaintive voice, 'things are not as they seem. Statistics show it matters not how many jobs there may be, the vast majority of those who do not work in Falinge are "on the sick". Struck down in the summer of their days, these are people who shall not ever work. Why would they? What would they gain? This is what happens, when they come here, to all mortals. The spirit leaves the white bones, the soul flitters out like a dream and flies away. They exist on benefits, no hope of bettering yourself in such a place!'

In short, Tom was afraid.

He fled, not turning back to see from whence came the small and hopeless voice. 'Strive back toward the light again with all speed; but remember these things for your editor, so you may tell him hereafter!'. He tried to shake the words from his mind, but they clung like dogs to a bloody carcass.

Tom ran through the night, tears staining his cheeks, mud in his hair. Incomprehensible faces watched from the undergrowth as away he sped on past broken homes, gangs of dark-faced youths and mothers with no husband, too terrified to look back. On he ran, cold, miserable, shaken by the horror. The horror.

But a week later, the warmth of Northcliffe welcomed the young writer back with open arms. How glad he was to return! His clamorous dogs came fawning all around, nor did they bark as they came, such was their glee to see their master safely back.

'What songs have you from Rochdale?', enquired Lord Dacre of his young liege as he climbed the great marble steps. Rawstorne came up to meet his master, and kissed his head, and kissed too his beautiful shining eyes, and both his hands, and the swelling tear fell from him.

And as a father, with heart full of love, welcomes his only and grown son, so now the noble editor clinging fast to Rawstorne, who, in a burst of weeping spoke to him in winged words: 'Between the desire and the spasm; between the potency and the existence; between the essence and the descent...falls the Shadow', upon which he fell to the ground, tears choking his throat.

'Well this won't do', schemed Dacre, disappointed at the lack of usable notes or viable stories of foreigners taking our jobs. But then, a flash from the Muse! 'I know!' he cried, 'I'll blame it all on that blind guy Celestine Sejemani! Yes, he has it all: an unmarried partner, three children AND dark skin! Yes, this will be just fine!'

'But what to do with poor young Rawstone, prostate beneath my feet? Ah, he'll be fine - I'll send his family a nice big ham!'

And off went Dacre with pride in his step and a goodly glow, satisfied with a job well done. But what of Tom?

He went like one that hath been stunned, and is of sense forlorn: A sadder and a wiser man, he rose the morrow morn.

Wishing you all a healthy and safe Winterval!

The Quail wishes to extend his or her lukewarmest compliments for this, our most beloved non-denominational, theologically unalligned winter festival.

If you live in Oxford of course, that means a happy Winter Light Festival (Hanukkah?), while those in Yorkshire are no doubt already enjoying the revellry of everybody's favourite non-Christian celebration, Winterval, branded as such way back in September by an outraged right-wing tabloid.

And don't forget the little kiddies of Greenwoord Junior School, their faces warm with the glow of a Santa-free end of term break, gathering round a mini Mecca centre piece to celebrate Eid, after their school in Nottingham cancelled Christmas to make way for the Islamic celebration. Hoorah!

Three cheers to the carolers in Kingston Lacey (where? - Ed), whose Christmas was cancelled by the Health & Safety Blackshirts because the derelict church they sang in was deemed too dangerous for occupation. Madness - Nickelmas should be celebrated anywhere, regardless of whether the electrics work or the danger of a three ton beam beaning one on the noggin!

Finally, a good time was had by all after the true location of Lapland was discovered - in the West Midlands. Those lucky enough to grab a ticket before the place disappeared in a poof of wintery sparkle and cheer enjoyed a winter wonderland complete with ice-skating rink, reindeer and fairground rides.

Happy Decemberween, and best wishes for Saturnalia!

Terror Doctor Claims he Doesn't Hate Britain

A dangerous Muslim neurologist who didn't have anything to do with the London and Glasgow car bombings in June, but will probably blow something up in the future, brazenly claimed yesterday that he is 'only interested in saving lives, not taking them'.

Dr Mohammed Asha, a Cambridge university graduate who worked for the NHS for over four years before not bombing Glasgow and London, was cleared by a jury at Woolwich Crown Court of any involvement with fellow terrorists Bilal Adbulla and Kafeel Ahmed. But Asha, who isn't a white middle-class ordinary Englishman, remains incarcerated in Belmarsh prison 'because the Government says he is a threat to national security.'

One right-wing tabloid, unhappy with the official verdict that Dr Asha was innocent, asked: 'So will Britain ever be able to deport terror case doctor?', while commenters agreed that Britain has far too many doctors already, especially neurologists, and that he should be deported in any case. The paper also carried a handy pocket sized summary of the prosecution's key arguments, despite the fact that they were proved incorrect by a court of law. It is unclear when a summary of 'The Defence Claims' will be published.


The Mail's coverage led Carol from East Yorkshire to conclude that, even if suspiciously named Mohammed was innocent, he still 'had no right to be here in the first place', presumably because his official residency documents, highly skilled working visa and British education were fake or something.

Give Clowns Diplomatic Immunity, says tabloid

A man was stopped and searched by security guards at Birmingham International Airport yesterday, just because he set off a metal detector.

To his shock, Dave Vaughn found that even dressed as PC Konk the clown, 'he was not above suspicion by airport security chiefs - who strip-searched him just in case'.

'I couldn't believe it when they told me to get undressed so they could search me,' he said afterwards. Sources agreed that stopping to search people who set off alarms at airports was of little use, and that people dressed as clowns should not be subject to the same laws as more mentally stable members of society.

One Florida resident suggested that airport policies to treat everybody equally and stop those who set alarm bells ringing are ridiculous: 'Sometimes, even I'm lost for words. How may suicide bombers disguise themselves as refugees from a circus?' An insider said: 'Yeah, it's not like we can't tell what those Talibans look like - they all wear turbans and have beards. Not clown suits ferchrissakes!'

Calls for Birmingham Airport to allow unrestricted travel for all performers whose work requires them to wear a costume were mounting last night, as support grew from clown rights groups. A spokesman from the pressure group Clown Rights Against Public Discrimination said: 'Oooh this makes me SO mad! Honk honk! Next we'll be told we can't take our comedy mallets or replica firearm water pistols on board! What are we to do? Boing!'

Doctors Take ALL Our Money

Damning evidence emerged today that many senior doctors are being paid taxpayers' money just to save peoples' lives. It is thought many of those treated by the docs are benefit scrounging single gay parents from other countries, according to the report in a newspaper whose editor is paid £1.5m a year.

One NHS boob doctor dared to earn a whopping £290,000 just for some overtime and 'clinical excellence', while hundreds more are earning up to £190,000 thanks to a hair-brained government scheme that rewards doctors just for spending more time with patients on weekends and holidays and performing exceptionally well.

The madcap plan allowed another doctor at the Royal Devon & Exeter NHS Foundation Trust to earn around £55,000 simply for running a regional service and £40,000 for reducing waiting lists - despite well documented reports that NHS waiting lists aren't a problem at all.

One insider asked: 'Why are these glorified nurses earning so much when people doing important jobs, like footballers, are earning barely three times more? It's not like anyone even wants to see a doctor anyway'.

Computer company releases thing we don't understand

Micro Soft, the company that manufactures all of the PCs and Macs in the world, today released a new program to make the internet better.

The program, called 'Patch', improves the already brilliant performance of their 'Internet Explorer' tool, which allows youngsters to access a giant web of interconnected computers. Despite concerns about the safety of the so-called 'internet', which has been responsible for kidnappings and can also corrupt your soul, many businesses use it every week to send electronic letters and find funny pictures of cats.

Patch is being sent out to millions of users, as Micro Soft employees 'work around the clock' to fix the Explorer. According to one in-depth technical analysis of the situation, 'The Explorer web browser is used by 70 per cent of all computers. Around two million computer users are believed to have fallen victim already after visiting apparently safe websites.'

Unsurprisingly, the problem originated abroad, as cyber criminals in China exploited a thing in the Explorer to steal information from people. Dressed as ninjas and wielding lightsabers, it is thought the 'hackers', as they are known, hid in electronic bushes on the information super highway waiting for innocent surfboarders to approach. Spotting a potential victim, they would leap from the shadowy undergrowth, knocking the surfers to the ground before deliberately sneezing into the innocent target's face to infect him with a virus, possibly flu. Immobilised with fear and phlegm, the victims yield their valuable booty all too easily, leaving the information pirates free to vanish into the darkness of the interweb.

Micro Soft is hoping to use special 'computer numbers' to repair the flaw that allows the piratehackers to hide behind these cyber bushes. It is hoped that they may defuse the millions of sinister 'Googlebombs' also plaguing the 'web' at the same time, killing two e-birds with one stone. In the meantime, experts have recommended turning off the internet while the fix is prepared.

It is still unclear whether the virus is able to infect televisions, toasters and other electrical equipment, but sources say it would be best just to stay away from modern appliances altogether and wait for the postman to deliver the 'Patch'. If you absolutely must use the 'internet', we recommend an alternative browsing program such as Netscape's Communicator (see below)

Immigrants steal ALL our jobs

If you're reading this at work, you might want to prepare yourself for a shock: you're not really at work.

Is your wife/girlfriend/life-partner at work today? No, she isn't. She doesn't even have a job. She's probably cheating on you in a run down cheap motel right now.

What about your kids? Are they at work?

No, they're at school obviously - they're too young to work.

This was the nightmarish situation facing millions of Brits today, as it was revealed that immigrants have taken ALL of our jobs. Some reports even suggested that foreigners have taken more than all of our jobs - The Press Association described chillingly how, out of 1.34 million jobs in the UK, 1.37m were taken by non-British workers.


The dire analysis by Migrationwatch UK, which warned earlier this year that Britain would need to build seven new cities by 2034 to squish all of the arriving foreigners into, will come as a jolt to anyone under the illusion that they are currently employed.

According to the figures, the number of UK-born citizens in work between 2001 and 2008 has fallen by 62,000, while 469,000 jobs have gone to Eastern Europeans. 618,000 more jobs have gone to people from places even further away than Europe. It remains unclear exactly how they got past the terrible krackens and whirlpools that are thought to blight the shadowy expanse beyond Europe, or 'the edge of the world' as it is sometimes known.

On top of that, 315,000 jobs were stolen by immigrants who invaded our country many years ago but have become 'naturalised'. Once an immigrant, always an immigrant, we say.

Adding together the 469,000 jobs pilfered by the Poles, the 618,000 thieved by the far-flung travellers and the 315,000 robbed by wannabe Brits reveals that 1.4million jobs are now occupied by untrustworthy non-Brits. This leaves minus 100,000 jobs for UK born Britopians. Business leaders will be facing tough decisions as they are forced to lay off yet more employees to make room for the next boat load of asylum seekers.

New Labour claimed in October 2007 that 2.1m jobs had been created since 1997, meaning that, not only have foreigners taken ALL our jobs, but that many have in fact taken at least two full-time occupations. We phoned Ali, a local plumber, taxi driver and dentist to ask for his opinion on the situation, but he was unavailable to comment.

A Government spokesman said: 'Over 90 per cent of the workforce is British', before mumbling something about made up figures calculated by a six year old.

* Update *

Unsuprisingly, a socialist recruitment pamphlet called The Grauniad has denied that foreigners are taking all our jobs, and dares to question the veracity of the MigrationWatch statistics. The author of the article is called Philippe Legrain, which sounds pretty French to us.

Need we say more?

Cold December disproves Climate Change Piffle

This is the damning photgraph that completely disproves the long-running climate change debate.

Commenters poured scorn on the beardy tree-hugging claim that the world is getting warmer as it emerged that Britain is officially cold this month, and some other places, like Wales, are too.

Despite the frail bleatings of climate boffins, who reckon that 2008 'remains the tenth warmest year on record and that rising temperatures are the long-term trend', readers of one regional newspaper were less than impressed:

...etc etc etc ad nauseum

British criminals could be branded as criminals abroad under government plans

Innocent Brits guilty only of commiting crimes in non-British countries might soon be forced to prove their innocence, under shocking new plans leaked in a secret government dossier hidden from public eyes.

The plan, publically approved in 2005 and due for open publication tomorrow, will see the UK's enormous 'Stalin-eqsue' criminal databases opened up to the beady eyes of EU member states, many of which house countless foreigners. Using DVLA, DNA and fingerprint data, justice departments in places like Germany, which was responsible for two world wars, will be able to snoop through the records of millions of ordinary hard-working taxpayers whose only crime was to commit a crime.

If there is a match found on the British database for, say, a fingerprint on a big stick that had been used to strike an Algerian in France, a suspect could be extradited to face trial abroad, forced to explain why their fingerprints were on the stick or even provide an alibi. At the very least the suspect might be let off, in the event of a mistake being made.

Insiders pointed out how open the system is to errors and false accusations, given the long documented unreliability of fingerprints and DNA. Phil Booth, of the NO2ID privacy campaign, said the Government was allowing its own assault on the principle of 'innocent until proven guilty'. We don't why he said this but he did.

Meanwhile, Shadow Home Secretary Dominic Grieve appeared to imply that Britain harboured more criminals than other EU countries, making it unfair for our great nation to use the same system as more 'crime free' states such as Belgium and Luxembourg: 'There is a real risk that a disproportionate number of innocent British citizens will be sucked into foreign criminal investigations.' Sources agreed that it might look quite bad if the giant database was to throw up more positive matches for law-breakers than other countries, and that Britain might be reduced to a laughing stock and called mean things like 'criminisland' or 'The United Scumdom'.

One right-wing newspaper printed a terrifyingly handy cut-out-and-keep guide to just how easy it could be to be accused of a crime you didn't commit; it would be as easy as travelling to Slovakia, inexplicably leaving your car there, making the police believe you were 'reasonably suspicious', being unable to provide an explanation or alibi, and failing to provide a defensible story in court as to exactly why your car was in Slovakia stuffed full of drugs and gagged hostages who all accuse you of kidnapping.



It could happen to anyone. Especially YOU. And your children. Now.

* Update *

This Slackery slipped through The Quail's brazen net when it was first published. James Slack is in fact in favour of keeping innocent people's DNA on a big scary database, despite what the above steaming pile of Slack would suggest - '"Big Brother' databases [could lead to a] nightmare scenario for a British citizen' falsely convicted by 'a false fingerprint, DNA or number plate match linking them to a rape, murder or other serious crime.'

'Dizzy' Lib Dem Woman cries Wolf

A frontbench MP has been called a 'dizzy airhead' and accused of wasting emergency service's time and money by a well-fed Tory who spends £8,000 a year on taxis.

Lynne Featherstone, who is a woman AND a liberal, dialled 999 when her boiler made some noises fearing that it might explode. Because she is a woman, she didn't realise that, in fact, the boiler just had an airlock and posed no threat to anyone. It is thought that her liberal wooly mindedness also played a part in her disproportionate reaction and absurd desire to protect her children and dog.

Brian Coleman, Tory chairman of London's fire authority, smirked: 'You don't call the fire brigade - you switch your boiler off and call a plumber. She has shown herself to be completely dizzy. Airheads and airlocks are obviously not unrelated. She can't tell the difference between an airlock and a major catastrophe', before being whisked off in a black cab to Glasgow for a quick pint.

Ms Featherstone, a liberal, described her 'ordeal' thusly: 'It was a huge noise, like a pneumatic drill, not a small knocking. There were sparks and we feared there would be an explosion. We weren't going to stay in the house and be killed.'

But in press releases sent out by the honourable Mr Coleman, he accused the left-wing woman of using the fire brigade as her personal heating engineers, asking: 'Would a man have called the fire brigade? I don't know. If there is a fire, call 999. If there is a cat stuck up a tree or you have got an airlock in your boiler, don't call the fire brigade. It costs £250 per hour for a callout and I look forward to receiving a cheque from her.'

Sources close to Mr Coleman's taxi said that he only recommends people calling the fire brigade if their property has already been completely destroyed, and if they have written confirmation that any strange noises, smells or massive increases in temperature do indeed constitute an emergency.

Although a source at London Fire Brigade said Miss Featherstone had done the right thing, one newspaper decided it was still best to imply that the female socialist had wasted the fire brigade's time by making 'an emergency call that [doesn't] realte to an emergency at all' by printing a handy cut-out-and-keep guide to prank or 'nuisance' calls.

Mr Coleman's personal taxi driver, Bill, suggested that everybody should stop living in houses, which are highly flammable, and instead live in London cabs, which have a very low incidence of spontaneous combustion.

* Update *

Join Brian Coleman's fan club here. Who knows, he might even add you as a friend. Or poke you.

Outrage as Brown funds Pakistani terrorists

Fury erupted yesterday over revelations that Gordon Brown has been secretly sending large wads of money in brown envelopes with pound signs on them to Pakistan, the country responsible for 75% of bad things that happen in Britain.

Despite evidence that three quarters of the most serious plots investigated by the British authorities have links to al-Qaeda in Pakistan, Brown has pledged £6m to his good friend Asif Ali Zardari, President of the terrorist-breeding rogue state. The money is to be frittered away on such madcap schemes as upgrading Pakistani airport scanners and countering 'the radicalisation of young Muslims'. This will probably involve giving them free cookery lessons and a nice flat with Sky TV, or whatever the equivalent is over there.

The £6m bonanza was met with incredulity and outrage by many commenters, who rightly pointed out that funding anti-terrorism programmes in a foreign country was just plain silly, because it would be better spent over here on proper things like fighting the horror of the EU.

Rod from Cheshunt highlighted 'Mr' Brown's appalling track record of plurging taxpayers money on far away lands that have funny names:

While Dave from Spain questioned where the PM would be getting the enormous sum from, suggesting some kind of pensions scandal and pointing out that Brown should put Britain first instead of wantonly throwing money at so-called anti-terror schemes that don't benefit Britain at all:


Emily from Wokingham expressed a similar difficulty in comprehending how counter-terrorism plans could ever be of use, insightfully pointing out that terrorists aren't a problem during recessions and should instead just be ignored:


Meanwhile, Peter from Hull, after battling with his caps lock key, succinctly conveyed his regret that Britain still does not adhere to a strict policy of 100% economic isolationism, implicitly reminding readers of how successful the Liberal Democrats protectionist policies of the 1920s were:

Sources close to Peter told The Quail that he has since devised a cunning plan whereby BRown should spend the money on building a great wall around Britain to keep 'those Talibans out', thus rectifying the credit crunch and giving hard-working Brits jobs working on the wall.

Manc School Bans Father Christmas

Gordon Brown was facing tough questions today over why an official statement was not made during Prime Minister’s question time about the heartless banning of Santa Claus by a Manchester school.

The scandal emerged after a primary school teacher, who cannot be named for legal raisons, callously told a class full of seven year olds that, contrary to what they might think, it was actually their own parents ‘who leave presents out on Christmas day’. A source revealed that one child has already been in talks with lawyers about suing his parents for hurt feelings and deception.

Responding to the incident, which left many children crying and has seen pre-teen prescription requests for Seroxat and Prozac rocket in the local area, Blackshaw Lane Primary School, sent a letter out to parents saying that the teacher in question had been disciplined and wouldn’t be receiving any mince pie this year.

Not satisfied, one newspaper repeatedly called the school to demand an explanation and try and find some link with a minority religion banning Christmas, but the headmistress refused to comment. They then tried badgering Oldham Council's service director for children, young people and families, who dismissed the horrifying incident as ‘a matter for the school to resolve’, before sneering: ‘We have every confidence that the head will deal with it sensitively and appropriately’. Reports that the sound of presents being burned and screaming elves were audible during the phone call are being investigated.

Colin from Lancashire, an outspoken expert with nothing left to say since Haringey council’s social workers were named and shamed, said:


...while 'Mags Hamer', despite having clearly not even read the article, summed up the feelings of many commenters by succinctly suggesting that:

What The Mail Will Say About The British Comedy Awards

The Daily Mail will tomorrow describe ITV's British Comedy Awards as 'shambolic' and 'offensive', we can exclusively reveal.

The awards show, which was cancelled last year after The Mail engineered a scandal over 'phone vote irregularities', was hosted by Angus Deayton after usual presenter Jonathan Ross was forced to pull out due to another Daily Mail designed scandal.

Deayton, who was forced out of his job five years ago thanks to a Daily Mail scandal, appeared rushed and stumbled over his lines while introducing guest presenters. Speaking about the flood of complaints over Russell Brand's Radio 2 show, Deayton called the concerned and perfectly normal people who registered their justified disgust as "30,000 self-righteous twats who never heard the programme in the first place."

Brand, who was forced to resign from his radio show as a result of a scandal conceived by The Daily Mail, won the 'Best Stand Up' award at the show.

At several points, Kevin Bishop from Muppet Treasure Island was heard to shout obscenities at guests on stage. When he lost out to 'The Inbetweeners' in the 'Best New British Comedy' category, Bishop was seen throwing an assortment of items at the winners. Nothing was done to prevent sensitive viewers from hearing the Bishop's disgraceful tirade, despite the ceremony's post-watershed time slot.

Despite its usual outrage at colourful language in broadcast, The Daily Mail will not be calling for a ban on the awards because they were shown on ITV and not the BBC. ITV does not pose as great a threat to the Daily Mail & General Trust's local news interests as the beeb, so they think they're alright. If the show had been shown by the BBC, things would be different and the sick filth would need to be banned NOW.

However, The Mail will express outrage at Russell Brand's success in his category, and will gloat at Ross's failure to win a gong.

* Update *

Just five weeks after quitting the BBC in disgrace, Russell Brand is voted is voted top stand up comic (and, unbelievably, dedicates his triumph to Jonathan Ross

Comedian Alan Carr apologises over 'sick' Karen Matthews quip

Lego Turns Your Kids into Terrorists

Lego figures that encourage children as young as three to pick up AK47s and shoot infidels were today slammed by religious leaders for 'glorifying terrorism' and being 'absolutely disgusting'.

Tamara Cohen, a real journalist who also likes to write about bacon flavoured chocolate and badges that glorify knife crime, describes in a damning report how 'One of the children's toys - made from customised Lego men - resembles a masked follower of Osama bin Laden complete with a rocket launcher, assault rifle and grenades.'

It is unknown exactly how many terrorist atrocities have already been carried out by pre-teens corrupted by the 'warped' toys, but sources say it is probably a lot. Shortly after details of the toys emerged, insiders revealed that MI5 are currently investigating a two year old boy, who cannot be named for legal reasons, for threatening a 'major' attack against British interests abroad. The allegations were made by the boy's older sibling, who claims the young Jihadi also stole his Tickle Me Elmo.

The sick 'toys', which are actually really cool, are the twisted creation of a company called BrickArms, which specialises in kidnapping ordinary, hard-working young Lego people and brainwashing them into becoming Taliban devotees. When we called him up and demanded to know just why he was corrupting the nation's children by exposing them to Lego meanies instead of turning the little yellow chaps into whimsical fairy tale characters and pixies, he sighed: 'It's not my intention to glorify terrorism or Nazis - but kids love the bad guys', before asking why we thought this was news and if we were seriously journalists.

There were growing calls last night for a complete ban on toys modelled on unsavoury characters such as bank robbers and Germans, lest kids grow up believing that bad people exist. One local resident said: 'Whatever's next? Toy cowboys and Indians? Model fighter planes with guns and bombs? Kids will be running around pretending to be cops and robbers shooting each other on make-believe trains before we know it.'

Chris Moyles Calls Poles Whores

Overweight BBC filthbag Chris Moyles has sparked fresh outrage by declaring on his radio show that Polish people 'make good prostitutes'.

Jan Mokrzycki, president of the Federation of Poles in Great Britain said seriously: 'We are too serious an organisation to bother with someone as insignificant as Chris Moyles', before releasing a press statement and sending a serious letter to the BBC saying: 'Statements he has made on his show are greatly damaging to the image of the Polish community in the UK.'

The confused fury was ignited by the blubbery DJ's outrageous comments on his vile early morning radio show. Moyles said: 'I just find if you're Polish you're just very good at ironing... and prostitutes…..very good also at fixing cars, so hopefully that's not going to give me a problem in the car department.'

Polish people, who enjoy crashing aircraft over Heathrow, were disgusted and an avalanche of 32 complaints followed the broadcast. British Poles, who have been known to kill British workmen due to their inability to speak English, lead the criticism against Moyles on the Polish news website Infolinia.org, calling his comments 'nasty stereotyping'.

Describing the comments as 'racist', many Poles, who claim £21 million of fraudulent child benefit, called for an immediate public apology. They say the comments perpetuate an unfair perception that Polish people, who suck £1bn a year out of the economy and consider groping innocent British women an acceptable past-time, are 'feckless' and rubbish.

The Polish community, which swells by over 1,000 every month and has been described as an 'influx', reacted by organising a petition to register their disgust at the vile, unwarranted and barely comprehensible comments.

But the BBC seemed not to care, saying in a statement: 'Chris was poking fun at ridiculous and unfair stereotypes, and making a nonsense of generalisations based on nationality. At no point did he say that Polish people [who are taking all our houses] were involved in prostitution – he separately joked that prostitutes were good at fixing cars and ironing.'

Here are some unrelated links.

BBC Broadcasts Barrowman's Nuts

Fury, outrage, horror and digust erupted yesterday as an 'openly gay' BBC television star exposed his homosexual genitlia during a live BBC broadcast.

John Barrowman, for it was he, got his 'fruit and nuts out' as he was egged on by rabid BBC presenters Nick Grimshaw and Annie Mac, who both earn five or six figure sums from the BBC to peddle smut, swear words and rock 'n' roll music on their BBC programme. Barrowman was wearing a helmet during the broadcast, possibly as some kind of subtle visual innuendo.

Although nobody actually saw 'Mr' Barrowman's genitals because the BBC show was broadcast on the radio, it is thought that up to 100 million children might have imagined a gay man's penis thanks to the 'crude comments which accompanied the incident [which] made it clear what had happened.' It is feared that vast swathes of these innocent children will now be at risk of catching homosexuality as a result of impure thoughts, leaving them unable to reproduce or throw properly.

A BBC spokesman who we captured and tied to a chair after the incident admitted that the show had 'overstepped the mark', as she was prodded with pitchforks and dunked in a river.