PLATELL: Immigration, sterilisation, euthanasia needed to stem Britain's population crisis

Now I haven't actually looked at the statistics, but one thing is clear from the latest Government migration report - Britain is close to bursting point, and it's only a matter of time before our little island sinks into the North Sea, groaning under the weight of its own populace.

Even the Marxists at the BBC are reporting 'the biggest population increase for almost 50 years', along with the terrifying news that the population has finally balooned past the 61m milestone. The evidence of an impending catastrophe can no longer be ignored: only yesterday I had to queue up in Waitrose behind 3 other people, adding another 5 minutes to my already nauseating weekly shop. Then, as I was driving home at 6 o'clock, I had to spend nearly half an hour sitting in traffic - caused, no doubt, by hundreds of people all traveling to see their hundreds of children. Make no mistake - there are simply too many people in Britain now.

Normally, it's perfectly easy for poorly informed columnists like myself to come up with a solution: throw out the immigrants and get rid of the benefit culture that brings them here in the first place. I, and my colleagues at the Mail, have suggested this over and over again, but it's always fallen on deaf ears.

This time, however, it's a bit more complicated. According to the report [pdf], we don't need to throw out the immigrants because they're already throwing themselves out by the bucketload. I don't like numbers so I didn't read past page 3, but apparently, 'Net migration to the UK was 44 per cent lower than in the year to December 2007', and foreign immigration is declining year on year, while non-British emigration has increased by over 50%! Finally, we've got what we want!

Even the most ridiculous, under informed journalist can see that the population explosion of 0.7% is not, in fact, caused by 'soaring immigration', so I won't try that angle. And while only an absolute moron would say something like 'We are now the second most densely populated country in the world' when we're actually 52nd, I still firmly believe that something needs to be done.

The problem is babies. Vomitous, sleep wrecking poop machines, babies are to blame for almost all of society's ills, including our population explosion. Without babies, there would be no annual rise in population and everything would be ok again, just like it was in 1962.

The only solution is compulsory sterilisation - something my fellow Mail columnist AN Wilson touched upon only a few weeks ago. Would it be so awful to simply sterilise the ugly, the stupid, and the feckless? I think not. How many teenage parents are married or even have their children's father around? How many have jobs or are supported by someone who does? How many live off benefits? What I'm trying to get at is, how many of these child-rearing cretins are like us? Not many. Off with their tubes, I say. Spare the snip, spoil the country.

The second problem is emigration. Undeniably, the data show that as non-British emigration has risen, the population has increased too. All these years we've been railing against the wrong thing! Unless we want to see Britain hopelessly overcrowded and spend the rest of our lives queueing in supermarkets, we must encourage greater numbers of foreign migrants to come over here and take our stuff. If, perhaps, we could permit only homosexual immigrants in, while encouraging heterosexual indigenous British people to leave for foreign shores, the whole problem of population growth would simply vanish. Obviously we'd have to ban gay adoption too, lest those single mothers think they can reproduce with abandon and give the resulting child to the nearest queen or lesbian.

Lastly, I can't help notice that not enough old people are dying. This march of the over 85s is as much of a threat to our nation's stability as all those nasty single mothers and heterosexual white folk. The Government calls these people 'economically inactive' - they literally contribute nothing to society, and if ever there was a time for the euthanasia debate to be reignited, it is now.

These wrinkly drains on the economy must be culled with the greatest of haste. I've heard that America is to introduce 'Death panels' to deal with their over crowding problem, and, to my mind, it is high time we did the same. Nobody likes visiting their grandma anyway; why not just do away with her altogether?

The truth of the matter is that it's not so much a baby boom we're experiencing as a heterosexual old white person boom. Middle Britain, stand ready to open your borders and euthanasia clinics if you wish to survive.

New guidelines issued on how to work with the Taxpayers' Alliance - but who's footing the bill?

Need a quote to pad out your article on how single parents are set to receive more benefits? The TaxPayers' Alliance will help. Want someone to back up your opinion piece about how foreign people are taking all the jobs, thus increasing income tax somehow? Yep! The TPA will agree - even if your argument makes no sense!

There's nothing they love more than being in the papers, regardless of whether they actually know the first thing about the issue at hand. And there's nothing lazy journalists love more than insta-quote think tanks like the TPA to give a sheen of respectability to their hurried, poorly researched stories. It's a match made in Hades.

The Daily Mail (and some bloggers) have a cuddly special arrangement with 'those excellent people at the Taxpayers' Alliance', with a dedicated hotline straight to the TPA offices so condemnations of public spending can be accessed on demand.

Sadly, The Quail doesn't have this privilege, but now, thanks to our friends at The Other Taxpayers' Alliance, we can pretend to be real journalists just like the chaps at The Mail and The Express!

Spokesman Clifford Singer said:

Here's an unmissable tool for journalists tackling tax and public spending – our free-to-download media guidelines for reporting the TaxPayers' Alliance [pdf]

The guidelines feature our essential top 5 reporting tips, and a handy flowchart to help you plan your story.

And if you're not a journalist, the guidelines make a great gift to send to those reporters who've perhaps been a little too credulous in their coverage of our favourite campaign group.

Squee! With the OTPA's new dossier and their brilliant multi-purpose quote generator, The Quail can finally break out of the nest and into the heady world of proper hackery, using the very same ligitimate methods employed by our favourite tabloids!

Expect a significant reduction in the quality of investigations and journalistic integrity from this point on.

Semi-regular Littlejohn comment watch

I don't really want to cover the fruit porn story again, but I would like to quickly draw your attention to the comment thread on 'Father's outrage over Maoam wrapper', which appears to have been left entirely unmoderated, resulting in comments mentioning The Quail, Enemies of Reason and even MailWatch, and about 300 others laughing at the Mail for running what is very probably a spoof letter.

Is this what all Mail comment threads would look like without any form of moderation?

Nobody at the Mail was available to comment last night on suggestions that as much as 95% of traffic to MailOnline is comprised of piss-takers, and that the other 5% is very probably made up of lost web surfers looking for Lily Allen nip-slip pics and Peaches Geldof upskirts.

Moving on to today's Littlejohn word ejaculation, in which he ungeniously compares New Labour to the Big Brother house, and the comments underneath aren't quite as informed as on the hot fruit love piece.

John from Wales says, 'TO QUOTE A WELL KNOWN PHRASE YOU COULDNT MAKE IT UP', while 'grannygrump' from Bolton chimes in, 'To use one of your phrases, Richard, YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT UP!' - both somewhat ironic given that Littlejohn has quite clearly made this up. It's a satire, so it has been literally made up. Even Littlejohn would admit that in the process of writing about 'housemate' Blair and gay contestant 'Mandy', he had to, by definition, make it up. Or do John and grannigrump actually believe that New Labour's base of operations is the Big Brother house?

We were, however, delighted to learn that our own comment was allowed through (without editing this time!) despite getting the columnist's name wrong, expressing our inability to understand the article, mis-spelling 'Nu Lab', using a ridiculous amount of exclamatory punctuation, rambling absurdly off topic, and mentioning that Richard isn't even a British citizen:


Remember, kids: Littlejohn's columns are still pre-moderated. Someone actually decided that the above would meaningfully add to the debate.

Equally pleasing was to find esteemed comment stalwart Bob Roberts only a few positions above, who braved 242 red arrows to deconstruct 'John's' article rather nicely:


Good work Bob.

Navel gazing first year anniversary blog birthday extravaganza!

I've only just noticed that The Quail hit the ripe old age of 1 a couple of days ago (on Tuesday to be precise) - huzzah!

There have been 285 posts since the Quail's messy and protracted birth on August 25th 2008, starting with this one which covered the Mail's story of migrants allegedly coming over here and taking our houses. Things haven't changed much in Mail land since then: immigration continues to be called an influx despite statistics showing it's actually decreasing, foreign people are still accused of taking local houses and jobs despite the figures showing that actually they aren't, and gays, the internet, Labour, and cancer are all still prime sources of fear.

So what's changed in Quail land? I don't really like stat porn posts so I'll try to keep that sort of thing to a minimum.

As you might expect, there are more people reading this blog than there were a year ago (if there wasn't I probably wouldn't still be writing it). Monthly visitor numbers remained fairly stable for the first four months of the blog's existence, before seeing a 5x jump thanks to a mention on Ben Goldacre's Bad Science blog about the 'Coffee gives your children cancer' story in January.

People seemed to remember The Quail after that and visits carried on rising slowly until April, when the 'G20 police brutality victim was a scummer' story was linked to by The Guardian, and The New York Times quoted a few paragraphs from the 'G20 protests: Good or bad?' post, which gave the blog a 40% rise in visits. I think it was around this time that some Quail stuff began being cross-posted on Liberal Conspiracy, and visits have been rising naturally ever since.

Incidentally, as testament to the power of cynical SEO techniques, and as an example of how visitor numbers aren't the be-all and end-all of blogging, the third most popular Quail post of all time is 'Cheryl Cole was once a child shocker', which contains the words 'x factor', 'photographs', 'girls aloud', and 'naked'.

Referring sites have made up over half my traffic in the last 12 months, and aside from those listed above, my top blogging buddies sending me visitors have been Enemies of Reason, Septicisle's Obsolete, Bloggerheads, Tabloid Watch, and, surprisingly, Iain Dale. Thanks!

More recently, I finally made it into the Wikio politics top 100 in July, and now sit at 86 (a couple of places behind the Mail's own Peter Hitchens). This month, The Quail was voted in at number 26 in the Total Politics list of top non-aligned blogs - although I don't pay too much credence to the poll itself, or how it's conducted, I do very much appreciate people for voting.

Is this getting too introspective yet? I think it is.

I'll wrap up by saying that when I started the Quail there were already a few blogs around dedicated (at least partly) to kicking the tabloids' collective arse, such as the excellent 5cc, Eric the Fish King, Alone in the Dark (now resurrected), and the ones mentioned up there. They were all doing it in their own inimitable fashion, and doing it very well, which is why I decided to go down a different route and try to get people to laugh at the Mail through satire. It seems to work - people realise just how silly the stuff in the papers really is, and how fine the line can be between some of the crap the Mail prints, and what I write. Some of their articles are literally beyond parody (most Littlejohn columns, for instance).

A year later, and the number of people pissed off with the lies, fabrications, intolerance, inaccuracy, fear and loathing found in newspapers is growing, and the old crew is joined by new blogs like Angry Mob, Tabloid Watch, Left Outside, Stirring up Apathy, Feminazery, No Sleep 'til Brooklands, a revamped MailWatch, and many more. All this is happening against a backdrop of dwindling newspaper circulations, a rise in right-wing politics, an increase in the number of PCC complaints, and exponential growth of online news sources.

These things aren't unrelated. I, and I'm sure my blogging associates would agree, don't want to see newspapers disappear, but we do want to see a better standard of journalism, and reasonable, objective, responsible news coverage that trusts readers enough to judge facts for themselves. Some newspapers seem determined to twist every fact and figure they come across until it bears no semblance to reality, just to push an agenda and sell a few more papers. This is the media equivalent of short-selling; it creates an unsustainable environment where ill-conceived actions build up, creating a high-pressure bubble of of past crimes ready to burst at the slightest snag. Alienating readers, lying to people, scaring them, and spreading untruths are not behaviours that can continue indefinitely. Readers are deserting print media because they can get everything offered by The Mail or any number of other newspapers for free online and not be treated like morons.

While the lumbering behemoths that are Britain's tabloids fail to acknowledge this, they are doomed to a fate entirely of their own creation, and can hope for nothing other than declining sales, tumbling profits, and the loss of trust.

Anyways, to bring this party to a close - thanks for reading, subscribing to, and sharing the stuff here at The Quail! Hoot hoot!

New cost cutting measures introduced by Daily Mail

As part of a new cost-cutting drive to stave off the inevitable collapse of its print business, The Daily Mail has begun sourcing articles from its own letters pages.

The move follows last week's revelation that the Mail has already reduced overheads by stealing content from third party websites without payment or consent for use on MailOnline (now Britian's most visited newspaper website).

An article titled 'Father's fury over "pornographic" candy wrappers' in today's Mail recounts the story of Simon Simpkins of Pontefract, who expressed disgust at the depiction of 'a lemon and a lime locked in what appears to be a carnal encounter' on the packaging of a Maoam sweet bar.

Mr Simpkins, of course, had actually expressed his disgust in a letter to the very same Daily Mail, only the day before.

Following publication, the outraged tirade against the horrors of confectionary packaging quickly became an internet sensation, but prompted many to wonder whether the church-going father of two was in fact the creation of a hoax letter writer intended to make light of the Mail's censorious attitude to the sins of the flesh. Some have also pointed out that Pontefract is, coincedentally, home to the Haribo sweet company's UK headquarters, and it has been noted that a similar prank was pulled by German students in 2004.

Given the Mail's track record in investigative journalism and source checking, nobody is holding their breath for fresh information as to whether Mr Simpkins is real or not.

Insiders have revealed further cost-cutting plans being considered include divining stories from tea leaves, employing chimps with typewriters who accept below minimum wage pay rates, and integrating the Daily Mail-o-matic into MailOnline's homepage for instant, user generated headlines that negate the need for costly sub-editors. Experts have said that such measures may in fact see journalistic standards rise.

Hidden MailOnline code discovered; Hackers blamed for depraved vandalism

A shocking conspiracy to use the Daily Mail's website to send subliminal homoerotic messages into unsuspecting readers' homes has been uncovered.


Web vandals - possibly leftist hackers from the shadowy 'Liberal Conspiracy' cyber terrorist forum - appear to have infiltrated MailOnline by capitalising apparently random words in headlines on the Mail's frontpage. Believing them to be have been simply picked at random by a poorly trained sub-editor, readers are completely oblivious to their sickening true nature.


An expert from the internet said: 'There's no other explanation for such random - some would say amateurish - use of the upper-case. Either it's a hideous lefty plot to bring down The Mail, or their caps lock is broken.'

Analysis of the Mail's homepage last night revealed the following capitalised words:


Readers have been warned to remain vigilent for further cases of sick capital letter hijacking.

Is Haribo corrupting our nation's children?

There's been much mockery of the over-sensitive rantings of fully-paid up PC brigade member, Peter Jones, on the Guardian's Comment is Free.

But Simon Simpkins's outraged missive against the licentious horrors of modern confectionary packaging in today's Mail takes some beating:

The other day, while doing our weekly shop, I bought for my two children, Benjamin and Ofelia, a packet of Haribo Maoam lemon-and-lime confectionary. It was only after I was leaving the check-out that I noticed the appaling illustration on the packaging.

This consists of a lemon and a lime locked in what appears to be a carnal encounter. The lime, who I assume to be the gentleman in the coupling, has a particularly distasteful expression on his face.

I demanded to see the shop manager and during a heated exchange my wife became quite distressed and had to sit down in the car park. I was told to register my complaint with the manufacturer.

I'm glad I spotted this before my young children, who are both very sensitive. My wife and I have always tried to maintain their innocence - and to think our years of careful parenting could have been wrecked by, of all things, a sweet wrapper makes me livid.

I received a reply from the company saying that the wrapper design had ben introduced in Germany in 2002 with a view to making the fruit figures "more modern and lively" to "better appeal to the consumer".

It said: "At no point was it intended to create sexual images". It had been shown to a number of children and adults of different age groups, none of whom has made any comments referring to the sexual content.

I consider this response less than satisfactory. As a member of our local church, I'm now urging other members of our flock to boycott Haribo products until this illustration is removed.

Simon Simpkins, Pontefract, West Yorks.

Inexplicably, The Mail chose not to censor the graphic depiction of inter-species fruit copulation accompanying Mr. Simpkins's letter.

Successful commenting on Littlejohn columns

The Quail's otherwise exhaustive guide to successful Daily Mail commenting last month failed to mention one important thing: comment editing.

One of the Comment Guardians' primary tasks to ensure agreement with the Mail columnists at all costs. While this means outright rejection of most comments, there are some cases where a comment contains acceptable levels of agreement only to be let down by ambiguous - possibly dissident - material. In such cases the commenter's positive comments will be retained, while the more troubling elements are judiciously removed.

For example, this:


Becomes this:


Note the mandatory 'Littlejohn for PM!' platitude, ensuring successful publication of some form, plus repitition of the columnist's own words and phrases, i.e., 'macBroon'. Don't worry if it makes no sense whatsoever or suggests complete failure to understand the subject matter - these two simple rules guarantee a nod from the moderators.

See also: MailOnline hacked by leftist thought police
Incredibly stupid comment passes moderation on MailOnline shocker

Dispatches from the dustbin; Mail journalist writes rubbish article

Quality writing, astute opinion and a keen focus on investigative journalism are the raisons d'être of newspapers. Without these, newspapers have nothing to offer which isn't already available online for free. Without these, there is no hope of stemming the interminable exodus of readers from printed news media.

But one newspaper is untroubled by such concerns. Just two days after Sue Reid's explosive examination of migrant worker statistics, The Daily Mail has followed up with a riveting exclusive investigation into the contents of someone's bin.

More commonly known for becrying the Orwellian New Labour nanny state behaviour of local councils for peering into peoples' rubbish, and railing against the 'tyranny of recycling', The Mail today condemned Environment Secretary Hilary Benn for not recycling after dispatching hapless hack Simon McGee to rifle through his bins.

McGee is said to be 'pleased' with the career choice that now sees him rifling through discarded milk cartons, stale bread and mouldy fruit under the cover of night like some penniless, flea-ridden smack-head searching for needles in a dumpster. He told The Quail: 'Well it's better than shovelling shit. No, wait, it's about the same.'

In a statement, Mr Benn explained that he had been out of the country and that his four children were probably responsible for the criminal act of throwing away the recylables. He added: ‘We are regular and committed recyclers, as The Mail could no doubt establish at any other time of the year, but my wife and I have been away.

‘Thank you for drawing this to my attention and we will be having a quiet word with the kids when we get back home.’

Returning to his home, Benn was heard saying to his wife: 'Thank goodness I'm not a journalist. Poor, filthy, bastard.'

My super-speedy Liz Jones quiz: It'll prove if you're REALLY a moron

Gender stereotypes. Teehee!

Anyway, take my super-delicious quiz-o-fun to see if you're as shallow, pointless and patronising as Liz Jones.

You have a deadline looming but still haven't written a single word for your fab weekly column. Do you:

a) Pick a woman at random from last week's news and make disparaging comments about her clothing, wrinkles, or gender, while letting everyone know about your Gucci handbag and new BMW
b) Discuss how much you hate mothers/men/your ex-husband/anyone who isn't you, and how horses are far nicer than humans
c) Send in yet another extract from your critically derided new book, in which you look down upon your new bumpkin neighbours and wonder why they don't talk to you in the local pub. (Maybe somebody will actually buy it if The Mail keeps giving you free advertising)

If you answered yes to any of the questions, you are Liz Jones. Find a heavy weight (such as a boulder), some rope, and a bridge - the higher the better. Attach the weight to yourself using the rope.

Jump.

Newspapers complain of dumbing down of A-Levels for 27th year in a row

A-Level students were warned not to be too pleased with themselves today, as bitter old people told them they only passed because exams are too easy these days and life after University is shit anyway.

Pass rates hit a record high of 90-something per cent this year, following exactly the same thing happening over the past two or three decades [we're no good with numbers -ed.]. Inexplicably, nearly all major news sources considered this fact newsworthy, with most agreeing that the steady increase in passes indicated that standards were falling, not that kids are getting cleverer.

A source said: 'Conversely, I believe this news suggests journalism is getting worse, while education is in fact improving. If pass rates were to fall, no doubt it would be the students getting blamed for getting dumber, not exams becoming harder.'

Fair and balanced Daily Mail education correspondant Laura Clark, who believes A-Levels are so easy that that they could be taken by chimps, pretended that the entirely expected rise in passes was related to something topical.

'A surge in applications, fuelled by the recession, means that there are expected to be just 22,000 places available in clearing this year', she blathered glumly, ignoring the fact that the situation has been broadly similar since the University of Constaninople opened its doors in 424AD.

Clark added another 1,000 or so more words of turgidly formulaic prose explaining how it all means students are thick, teaching is poor, subjects are dumbed down, and the state of Britain is rapidly worsening because some people take Media Studies.

Other newspapers just saw it as an excuse to publish pictures of pretty young girls.

Surprisingly, a number of commenters disagreed with the almighty Mail, teller of news and bringer of darkness. Martin from the UK said:

Hey, that is a good headline!

Mail readers supportive of model's compensation claim

Daily Mail readers have reacted with fury to news that a mean blogger said some nasty things about former Vogue cover girl Liskula Cohen, and were quick to express support for the model's litigious crusade to unmask the cruel web scribbler and sue for defamation.

Essex girl S. Wallace wept:

This cyber bully was clearly a very jealous and vindictive woman and I'm glad that she was been found out. Too many people come onto internet forums spreading lies and hurtful gossip. It's about time people grew up and considered other peoples feelings, how would they feel if the tables were turned?

Norman, who desribes himself as a 'UK taxpayer' despite living in Greece, jived:

Sticks & stones are one thing, but calling a woman "a whore" is quite another ting, and I hope Ms. Cohen is awarded substantial damages.

Karen from the Midlands decreed:

Good for her. People should take responsibility for their words and actions. What this anonymous woman has written was unfair and untrue, so she should be called to account for it.

While BiBi from Lagos hoped for some serious compensatory payouts:

I hope the model sues her for every dime she has...this will teach her a life lesson and same goes for all pathetic cyber bullies - Go get a life!

Readers' sympathy for the slandered model was, however, surprising to some.

When two Muslim sisters successfully sued their former employer for permitting racist and sexual abuse earlier this year, Mail readers were angered by the women's pursuit of compensation.

Michael from Cambridge said:

Disgusting when our brave soldiers facing the rest of their lives without sight, limbs and dignity receive pittances. This whole race thing is getting far, far beyond a joke.

and Kim from West Sussex agreed that people shouldn't receive money just because they were called some rude names:

We are so afraid of hurting people that we have gone too far, this money should be going to good use like education and health not to two over sensitive woman who have nothing better to complain about

Similarly, when IT manager Vinod Rajdev claimed constructive dismissal and compensation for being repeatedly called 'Paki' and finding images of himself composited into a picture of Osama Bin Laden, readers dismissed his claims as over sensitive.

'Perhaps the guy had a sense of humour bypass', suggested Chris from Heathfield, and Jemma from Exeter agreed: 'Get a life and a sense of humour !!', she warbled.

William Thomson, an expat in Dubai summed the case up succinctly:

He really needs to get a life. Another compensation claim on the back of some names Oh how dangerous and helath threatening. When does he bring in his violation of Human Rights?

And when Mona Awad, a female Muslim banker, suffered racial, sexual and religious discrimination while working for HBOS, readers reacted with weary incredulity.



Rhiannon from Oxford expounded:

If she wants to work in banking, she should grow some thicker skin. It's hard work being a girl working in a man's world, but if you don't react to silly comments, then they get bored and give up.

While Peter, also from Oxford, led a chorus of 'Here we go again!':

Here we go again!! Another 'discrimination' claim in the hope of gaining untold riches for no effort! It is well past the time when the government put a stop to this 'nice little earner''. If this woman was a manager she should have shouldered the responsibility to put a stop to it, or left to find a position that suited her better. If I claimed during my 50 odd years at work for every slight or insult I would be a multi-millionaire now!

WILL FACEBOOK IMPREGNATE YOUR MORTGAGE?

As you may be aware, Silly Season, the festive time of year during which newspapers find themselves with literally nothing to report on, is upon us.


Even our favourite bile-soaked rag, The Daily Mail, has difficulty filling its pages during Silly Season with anything approaching real news, instead giving over valuable column inches to articles like 'IT memo uses word that person points out is less accurate than other word', in desperate attempts to generate whatever outrage it can from stories about, well, nothing.

Thankfully, a reader has kindly suggested an alternative for those of you currently suffering withdrawal symptoms from a decreased dosage of daily fear and loathing.

To keep your bile levels tippity top, make sure to use the Daily Mail-o-matic while the real thing struggles to fill its pages with real stories of faux outrage. Simply pressing an easy to operate 'Refresh' button, you will be rewarded with such Mailish gems as 'ARE YOBS GIVING ENGLAND CANCER?', 'IS FEMINISM BURGLING YOUR PENSION?', and, 'IS THE MMR JAB IMPREGNATING YOUR CHILDREN?' - all questions we need answers to right away, I think you'll agree.

For extra fun, you may wish to capitalise on the recent news that Mail Online has taken the bold step into the world of unmoderated comments by generating your own headlines using the Mail-o-matic, then sharing the results with other fans in the comments under Mail articles. Should your garbled rubbish make it onto the hallowed pages of MailOnline, make sure to send a screengrab to The Quail, and we'll publish the best ones.

A merry Silly Season to all!

BBC in new row over expenses and Communism

The BBC was under fire today over fresh allegations of exorbitant expense claims and links to the Soviet Union.

Senior corporation producer Guy Burgess abused his expenses account to such an extent that even the professional money squanderers at the bloated, leftist BBC complained he was spending too much licence fee payers' money 'making contacts', according to shocking new documents.

Top secret memos reveal that Burgess' superiors frequently frowned upon his excesses and that he claimed up to a staggering £11 a month on entertaining in his role as producer of a flagship BBC politics show.

The Eton-educated producer even refused to travel by second-class rail while on BBC business. With no thought for the down-trodden middle-class viewers paying his wage, Burgess sniffed: 'I normally travel first class and see no reason why I should alter my practice when on BBC business, particularly when I am in my best clothes'.

Critics have accused the state funded broadcaster of cronyism after funding a lavish dinner for Burgess with the Prime Minister's daughter - 'to discuss a very difficult coal debate at the only time available'. Coal has enjoyed suspiciously favourable coverage on BBC News since the supposedly 'innocent' meal.

The BBC is also facing difficult questions over Burgess' second job as a Russian spy. Having been recruited by the Communists while at Cambridge University, insiders claim the dual role amounts to a conflict of interest and exposes the festering socialism at the rotton heart of British broadcasting. However, George Alagiah was not granted such leniency last week and was sensationally forced to step down as a patron of Fairtrade.

Roger from York slammed Burgess' excesses as typical of New Labour hypocrisy:

While Jim from London was concerned by the connection to Russia and called for an immediate investigation:
A BBC source said: 'Just remember this. All agents defect, and all resisters sell out. Pay your licence fee and stop asking questions.'

Graham Linehan subverts Daily Mail editorial opinion

In an astonishing reverse ferret, The Daily Mail decreed today that the NHS is A Good Thing, and not a bloated misery machine intent on worsening peoples' lives and burning taxpayers' money as previously thought.

Readers were surprised to see on the Mail's front page news of a 'Stunning NHS transplant triumph', in which surgeons carried out five life-saving operations using organs from just two donars in a single 24 hour period.

Described as a 'miracle' by The Mail, the story overturns past articles suggesting that organ transplants are only ever given to foreigners coming over here taking our body parts to use in exotic stews. The newspaper more commonly known for revelling in stories of NHS misadventure and malpractice also praised the 'stunning display of team work' and a 'stunning sequence of operations'. A source said: 'We were stunned.'

The stunning U-turn comes amidst widespread anger at remarks made by Tory YouTube celebrity Daniel Hannan on American stupid person TV network Fox News. Talking to the world's most awful person, Glenn Beck, and the USA's whiniest radish, Sean Hannity, Hannan held up the NHS as an horrific example of 'socialized healthcare' gone wrong and painted a chilling picture of Britain as a third-world nation brutally oppressed by state funded medical provision.

Fox News, owned by arch-villain Rupert Murdoch, who also controls The Times and The News of the World, has been running a series of withering attacks on the NHS as part of a campaign to destroy President Obama's plan to stop poor people dying so much.

But Fox's exaggerated and unjust denigration of a British institution was met with outrage, and a Twitter campaign started by openly Irish comedy priest Graham Linehan using the slogan 'We love the NHS' rapidly became a focal point for people of all* political leanings to express their admiration and support for our national health service. Linehan, who tweets up to 17,000 times a day, told Channel 4: 'Everyone has a story about the NHS helping them in some way. It's important to us, we may slag it off a lot but it's ours.' He also said that Hannan had 'stabbed the NHS in the back'.

Even Hannan's boss, rich toff David Cameron, described his remarks as 'twattish'.

With a tide of fury sweeping the nation in reaction to the Hannan/Fox show, The Daily Mail is keen to downplay the fact that Hannan probably got most of his anti-NHS horror stories from them.

The newspaper has previously described the National Health Soviet as 'The Titanic of health care', 'sickly', 'ailing', and 'on the critical list'. NHS hospitals have been described as 'worse than Estonia's', squalorous, 'grubby', and riddled with patient-killing diseases. It has been repeatedly pointed out how Britons are forced to 'escape the NHS' by travelling abroad for health care, while our socialised system squanders money on advertising, bureaucrats, sex lessons for OAPs, and even doctors. Doctors who, let's not forget, 'kill more people than airline pilots' and 'demand' taxpayers' money just to innoculate people!

Key stories expounded by Fox to illustrate the true horrors of the NHS all seem to have, coincedentally, featured in The Mail. Patients making ludicrous long haul trips just to see a dentist, the taxi driver forced to pull out his own teeth, interminable waiting lists, comparitive survival rates, vital care rationing and terrorist doctors have all found themselves used by Hannity, O'Reilly and Beck as examples of why Britain suffers so terribly under the NHS.

An insider said: 'Perhaps today heralds the dawning of a new Mailish editorial stance on the NHS. Either that, or it's a cynical attempt to jump on the bandwagon started by that Linehan bloke on that Twitter.'


* Well, everyone except hardline 'Libertarians'.

Mad Mel: The truth eater

Once again, class war has broken out in the Labour Party. Yet another Labour politician has issued the tribal rallying cry to bash the middle classes blah blah honk bleat shrill hoot bleugh class war argh

Oh, what's the use? Sod it, have a picture.

Springtime for Dacre

Adolf Hitler's refusal to shake the hand of black Olympic gold medallist Jesse Owens at the 1936 Berlin Olympics has gone down in history as one of history's greatest snubs - BUT DID THE FUHRER REALLY DO IT? Or not do it, as the case may be?

Perhaps we shall never know. But then again, maybe HITLER'S VALET could shed some light on the issue?

If he can't, then we could always try tapping the MI6 NAZI MONSTER for some info. Failing that, HITLER'S GOOD FRIEND ERROL is sure to know.

Ah, whatever. Even if the man 'who got things done' did refuse to shake an Olympic sprinter's hand just because he was afraid of catching dark person germs, we can all rest safe in the knowledge that the Nazis weren't the only one's behaving badly during WWII - STALIN WAS JUST AS BAD YOU KNOW. And Ady did have some frikkin' awesome NAZI PLANES!

All of which leads you to wonder, well, what if the man with the geometric moustache had won the war? What would HITLER'S LONDON look like, for instance? Full of bratwurst stalls, fine beer houses and NAZI GNOMES, most likely. A lot nicer than the AMAZONIAN FATHERLAND, that's for sure! It makes you wonder. Doesn't it?

Huh, maybe just us then.

In other NSDAP news, Leo McKinstry recently wrote of the Bernie Ecclestone 'Hitler would be a great PM' scandal:

The inter-war history of the sport was bound up to a disturbing degree with the rise of the far-right, particularly in Germany, and traits of the outlook remain to this day.

A source said: 'People in glass houses, Leo. Put that rock down.'

Asked why the Daily Mail had run more than 10 Hitler-related stories in the space of two months, an insider replied: 'Yes.'

Image courtesy of Uncyclopedia.

The Blaney Mail

The Quail prefers not to stray too often from the dead tree press; all the news one could ever need can be found in the print copies of The Mail, Express, Sun, Star and News of the World, all for low, low prices, and only a day or so behind confusing online news sources.

Besides, it is widely accepted that the "Internet" is nothing but lies and piffle, while the "Blog-o-sphere" is riddled with sleaze and petty bickering.

Occasionally, though, some shining example of internetular topical opinion particularly catches our eye and we feel dutiful to briefly relay our discoveries. Having eked every last drip of incisive current affairs coverage and fine idiotorial from Saturday's Mail and "logged on" to the internets in search of more, we were excited to happen across the splendid work of an author working under the pseudonym "Donal Blaney".

The issue of "racial profiling" has received much attention in the former British colony of Virginia recently, with pundits from both sides of the country's political spectrum conclusively declaring it A Bad Thing. Even the looniest of American right-wing WalMart nuts seem to agree that current police practice of arresting people simply on the grounds that their skin contains more melanin than most is, at best, a haphazard method of preventing crime.

Blaney, though, is a bold man. Recognising that the criticism of "racial profiling" stems only from that ubiquitous beast, political correctnessgonemad, the idealistic young lawyer [sic] busts the debate open like an angry Bruce Banner in an ill-fitting sweater, concluding that, actually, we should encourage greater reliance on the authoritarian profiling of people by race.

Using a gripping tale of waiting in a queue at a Washington airport to show how both British and American security measures are in fact an act of terrorism, Blaney ruminates:

It is an unpalatable fact but in the way that people are treated at airports, we are doing the terrorists' bidding for them.

Plaintively, he asks: 'Why must we be delayed and demeaned like this?'

Why indeed, Donal. What right thinking person would not tolerate a few more buildings crumbling after a targeted collision with a 747 or the odd exploding shoe, if it ensured smooth and speedy passage through Heathrow?

Not one to complain without positing a solution, however, Mr Blaney continues:

Just as when the police look for a knife or gun wielding maniac in South London they don't focus their enquiries on muslims, Jews or whites, and just as when they look for City fraudsters their suspicions focus rightly on white middle class yuppies rather than black women, shouldn't the fact that each and every one of the psychopaths who killed thousands on 9/11 (and, indeed, who killed dozens on 7/7) was a jihadist?

Behind the tortured grammar and absent syntax lies an undeniable truth: all terrorists look the same. The beards, the shoes, the turbans [do they wear turbans? Ah well, we all know what you mean -ed.], all tell-tale signs of the Islamist terror monger. And yes, the police officers of South London are entirely right to exclude suspects from investigations based only upon the colour of their skin, clothing, or ethnicity.

For the love of Yahweh, why won't those airport security jobsworths just stop and search brown people, and allow us whites to go about our business without fear of suspicion? Who ever heard of a caucasion terrorist for heaven's sake?

Littlejohn's back! Show your support with our free banners

Everyone loves Dick Littlejohn.

The fearless Floridian's outspoken, tell-it-like-it-isn't, old fashioned brand of intolerance has earned him a dedicated - slavish perhaps - following, and a hefty paycheque.

Despite persecution from the liberal elite and endless censorship by the PC brigade, Richard unfailingly delivers the very same no-holds-barred incitement to hatred week in, week out, to the extent that many of his columns almost seem like rehashes of previous poorly written diatribes.

His custard-sharp wit has made him as much an enemy of the left as he is a hero to the neuronally challenged. No target is too small or too tragic for our favourite columnist - who could forget his dismissal of the Rwandan genocide as an inconsequential squabble between two amusingly named tribes, or the five murdered women hilariously denigrated for being disgusting whores who deserved to die?

It's high time Littlejohn fans stood up to the loony pinko naysayers and paraded their Littlejohn love for all to see. With this in mind, the Quail is providing four exclusive free Dickie Littlejohn banners to wave derisively in the faces of the progressive intelligentsia who despise our fair country so much; a collection of moving images that collectively scream: 'I'm unable to think rationally and I'm not afraid to show it!'

Use them as you see fit - word of Richard Littlejohn's contribution to society needs spreading as much as possible. All I ask is that you provide a link back to this page so others can experience the full, sensual collection.

A post-modern comment on Dick's favourite slogan

Evoking fond memories of African genocide

Who could forget Dick's masterful demolition of Will Self on BBC radio Five Live?

This glorious tri-colour rendering of Dick is sure to enrage the PC brigade

Bonus! Special Littlejohn profile pictures available on that Twitter.

Don't miss next week's giveaway: the limited edition Melanie Phillips gardening set, complete with "Satan's" pitchfork, and high-powered Muslim beard/hedge cutter.

Pesky kids probably behind Twitter crash, says expert

Twitter, the boring interweb micronetblogging website used by bad actor Ashton Kutcher to publicly humiliate his wife and by normal people to talk about their breakfast, mysteriously vanished this afternoon (or so we're told).

For approximately three hours, office workers found themselves with nothing to do but work, as popular advertising tool The Face book also crashed under the sudden influx of Twitter twats desperate for their post-lunch social networking fix. Facebook boss Mark Zuckerburg said: 'Yessss! It's like 2005 all over again!', but half an hour later added: 'Oh f*ck'.

The twoutage also had a significant effect on business: sales of fax machines rose by a reported 700% during the three hour period, while social media experts advised their clients to 'just buy TV ads or something'. Analysts estimated that global productivity rose by 8,000% and declared the recession over.

Unfortunately, normal service resumed at around 5pm.

Experts warned that future disruptions were likely because Twitter is rubbish and could be taken down by a child equipped only with an abacus, and people should delete their accounts and buy newspapers to be on the safe side.

Unknown technology and digital media consultant Colin Sweetman told The Daily Mail: 'It's probably the most common form of attack on a website because you don't need to be particularly bright to have a go at it. It's relatively unsophisticated. Quite often it's a 14 or 15-year-old or a university kid, not a skilled programmer, just someone with a bit of computer knowledge and nothing better to do with their time.'

Internet expert Sweetman's website E-Volutionary.net currently redirects to an unassociated domain name and displays a 'Page not found' error message when visited.

* Update *

True to form, the Mail has edited it's original article beyond all recognition now but the link remains the same (the piece is on its third rewrite now - in all fairness, it is difficult writing about stuff you have no idea about.)

Contradicting the Mail's original stance that the twoutage was probably just the work of some teenage nerd in his mum's basement, they now reckon it was evil commie hackers and perhaps even the Russian Government. Sources fear the event marks the beginning of 'Cold War 2.0'.

Commenter Barry from Woking warned: 'the Russians are way ahead of the rest of world when it comes to cyber attacks. if we ever fall out with Russia, they will blow the UK off the internet.'

For some reason, all quotes by, and references to, web expert Colin Sweetman have disappeared.

Now PC Harman wants to ban wife beating

Abusive husbands were left furious today after a 'controversial' new drive to reduce domestic violence against troublesome women was unveiled by chief feminazi Harriet Harman.

Under the contentious scheme, children as young as five will be taught that time-honoured traditions of men beating their wives when they take too long doing the dishes or refuse sex because they 'have a headache', are no longer acceptable in today's politically correct, ultra-feminised society.

Shockingly, boys will be indoctrinated that their female friends are 'people' with so-called 'human rights', and just because girls are weak and over-sensitive doesn't mean it's acceptable to punish them for disobedience.

But imaginary critics warned that ministers are cramming the already over-stuffed National Curriculum with silly lessons that should be taught in the home, and schools should teach proper subjects like maths and fox-hunting instead of focusing on the supposed rights of nagging women.

In a pink, fluffy-lined document spattered with the wooly language of Miss Harman's equality dogma, the Government says the first ever so-called 'Violence Against Women and Girls' strategy is already in production by Government departments, and will be ready to make life harder for boys everywhere this autumn.

It squeals girlishly: 'Our vision is a society where women and girls feel safe and confident in their homes and communities...we want to overcome women's and girls' fear of crime and the gender-based violence that they experience.'

Sources suggest that equality-mad Harman is simply bitter at not being given the same opportunities as men and wants to make life as difficult as possible for the male sex as revenge.

In addition to the brainwashing lessons forced upon children by schools, the Health Service's scant recources are to be hijacked to conduct futile studies into how the treatment of women claiming to be at risk of violence can be improved, and police must waste valuable time that could be spent solving real crimes reviewing alleged incidents of 'domestic violence'.

The plans are being rolled out despite evidence showing that boys and young men are more than twice as likely to fall victim to violence, and that it is in fact young women who are becoming increasingly mean: a staggering 25% of all violent assaults in England and Wales are carried out by vicious ladette women, and it is the most common reason for females to be arrested.

The other 75% of violent assaults are thought to be carried out by transvestites and gays, not men.

In a 'blitzkrieg against the male sex', Harman is also understood to be considering plans to make rape even more difficult to get away with - despite recent news that a massive 1 in every 16 rape accusations results in a conviction.

A local man said tearfully: 'Please, won't somebody think of the men? What am I supposed to do when I come home steaming drunk and she won't put out because she's on? Watch TV?!'

Asked why he despises women so much, hate-filled misogynist James Slack - described as 'unlovable' by his own mother - replied: 'I'll never forget how that bitch Sally poked me in the eye in year four. It really hurt.'

Suicide, bullying, bad things: The bleak hell of Facebook

Many teenagers are addicted to social networking. Harmless fun? Not a major issue when put in perspective? There are worse things in the world right now? To find out why there really aren’t, read on. As an Archbishop condemns the craze, we take a turd-tinted microscope to the dangers of the social networking underground network.

'It had become like an obsession - logging on to her pages on the social networking sites Stardoll [the fuck is that? – ed.] and Bebo was the first thing she did in the morning and the last thing she did at night'. So sayeth'd one concerned mother.

'And the worst thing about it was that it didn't seem to be making her at all happy. She went from being bright and chatty and excited to listless and constantly bored. Her eyes would glaze over, her concentration span diminished and she seemed uninterested in everything except how many messages she'd got.'

Perhaps she wasn’t doing it right.

But this reporter has reason to believe that suicide and cyber-bullying hide behind the facade of ‘harmless fun’. Unlike some newspapers, we won't attempt to cynically exploit the tragic death of a teenager by associating it with an entirely unrelated case which actually had no negative consequences at all, but we do recommend you become extremely worried, now.

This week, Archdaemon Vincent Nichols of the Roman Catholic Church of England theatrically flung himself uninvited into the debate. He warned that the trend towards harbouring machina and creating fragile virtual relationships leaves teenagers desolate and inconsolable when these relationships break down, or when their computers do.

With a bizarre disease metaphor, Nichols claimed it was an 'all-or-nothing syndrome that you [catch] in an attempt to shore up an identity. Friendship is not a commodity, it is hard work and enduring when it is right.'

The apparently Amish archbishop of Westminster also expressed concern that an over-reliance on cyber friendships is impeding our ability to defend against the cataclysmic inevitable conclusion of total subservience to sentient machine overlords. Though these were not technically his exact thoughts, the sentiment was strongly inferred by the Quail.

'The reality is that the popularity such sites confer is a mirage,' confirms online agony witch Hilary Freeman. 'One of the results of the social networking phenomenon is that quantity has replaced quality as the marker of friendship.

'It's not uncommon for members to list more than 500 "friends". Clearly, no more than a handful of these are true friends. Some of the rest, if they're lucky, are acquaintances, but some will be rivals [and some Russian spies], who wish them harm.'

By Joel Sport.
To submit a Quail, click here.

Wind turbine syndrome: Who to believe?

"Living close to wind farms can lead to a greater risk of heart disease, panic attacks and migraines, according to a study.

The farms can cause 'wind turbine syndrome', the symptoms of which also include tinnitus, vertigo and sleep deprivation"

...said a journalist, yesterday.

But a scientist added...

"This study provides no conclusive evidence that wind turbines have an effect on health or are causing the set of symptoms described here as ‘wind turbine syndrome’. The study design was weak, the study was small and there was no comparison group.

Asking this particular group about their symptoms prior to their exposure to wind turbines was not a sufficient ‘control’ measure. Many of the participants were reportedly already convinced that wind turbines were to blame for their symptoms and were actively trying to move out of their homes or had already moved."

Please get angry at the BBC, go on, please?

The BBC is under fire from nobody except the Daily Mail and some rambling buffoons on an internet messageboard over the departure of one of the dancers from some dancing show.

Karen Hardy, former champion of inexplicably popular primetime show Strictly Ballroom Come Dancing With Me Get Bruce Out of Here, has decided not to continue in her role of dancing partner to N-List celebrities because her 39 year old knees are beginning to creak a bit. Hardy is to be replaced by another female dancer who happens to be younger than her.

The decision is reported to be 'amicable', and Hardy will be retained by the BBC to work on other less physically demanding projects.

But critics* say the split has left the BBC 'facing fresh allegations of ageism' from The Daily Mail. Despite a headline yelling 'BBC fends off new ageism row', the Mail's TV & Showbiz cretin Jo Clements failed to name anybody who had actually accused the corporation of ageism or who was doing all the rowing.

Asked what her source for the 'allegations' was, Clements put down her crayons and said: 'Some website. I can't tell you which one, and the people quoted didn't give their names.'

An insider at The Mail explained: 'Our new model for proactive reporting means nothing needs to have actually happened for us to say it has. We tell people there's a 'storm', or a 'row', or whatever, people believe it, then join in and - hey presto! - a real storm.'

The storming row follows another Mail manufactured controversy in which 66 year old witch-queen Arlene Philips was 'axed' from the same show and replaced with the younger and more attractive - but unfortunately ethnic - talent vacuum Alesha Dixon.

A ranting loon on the BBC's own Have Your Say forum gurgled: 'NRRRRG I CAN'T COPE WITH CHANGE'

A man in the real world said: 'There is literally nothing I care less about than who is on Strictly Come Dancing, or whatever it's called.'

* The Daily Mail.