Sugar Banned at Daily Mail Lair

Supreme Mailish commander and protector of common sense Paul Dacre took the unusual step yesterday of banning sugar at the Daily Mail's offices, after it was revealed that sucrose can make the human brain 'wooly' and turn people into minority-loving, Guardian-reading hippies.

In tests carried out by Amsterdam University and Florida State University,it was found that people who had been given sugary drinks and then asked to write for five minutes about a gay man were less likely to be able to describe 'him' using correct vocabulary such as 'snake charmer' than a control group given only artificial sweetners. The research suggests that people with lower glucose levels are more likely to use stereotypes when describing others and, if they are high in prejudice, are more likely to make derogatory statements.

It is believed that sugar, like crack or heroin, clouds the mind and stops it from making perfectly reasonable snap judgements about people based on their religion, race, gender or sexual orientation. Drinking just one can of Red Bull might be enough to make even the most ardent racist suddenly feel sympathetic to the Mbingo and Mbongo tribes, or to the poovery that riddles our country.

The researchers said: 'When people engage in the act of trying to control public expressions of prejudice or the use of stereotypes, they consume the energy required for self-regulation... because self-control depends on processes that consume glucose as an energy source, people who have lower levels of blood glucose may be more likely to express prejudice.'


Paul Dacre responded by banning the use of sugar by Daily Mail employees and threatening to sue Tate & Lyle, Lucozade and Haribo. He claimed that if his employees were to continue consuming sugary goods, they would be rendered unable to write any more articles. 'What would there be left to write about in a world without prejudice and stereotypes, where all the different races get along with one another? It makes me shudder to think of such a dull and contented world', Dacre may or may not have told The Quail.

Metro on: necrophile cats

From today's London Metro:

Dead woman is eaten by her cats

'"She loved her cats so much she spent half her time feeding them. I suppose they had a big appetite," said a neighbour in Tomnatic, Romania.'

Yup.

Single Afghan Mother Takes Your Money and House

An unemployed, benefit-claiming, Afghani asylum-seeker single mother of seven who claims £170,000 of taxpayers money each year is living in luxury accommodation in swanky Acton in West London for free, paid for by the local council, it was revealed yesterday. Minutes after the news broke, hospital admissions of right-wing commenters sky-rocketed as many literally imploded with rage.

One American freelancer was reported to be in a critical but stable state after his internal organs began overflowing with choleric bile, inducing a quasi-schizophrenic catatonic state. He was observed rocking violently back and forth, foaming at the mouth, unable to speak apart from repeatedly muttering the words 'Couldn't...make it.....up'.

Toorpakai Saiedi, as she is known to her countless children and relatives, is given a massive £400 a month to support her herd of offspring in the opulent London manor, which itself costs almost £15,000 a year. Jawad, one of her many offspring, displayed contempt for the traditional British way of life, screaming at reporters 'If someone paid you the lottery jackpot, would you leave it?', to which most replied sincerely 'Yes we would'. It remains unclear why the Saiedi family did not refuse to move in when they realised how much they would be costing the hard-working British taxpayer. Acton is, afterall, a celebrated hotspot of cheap outdoor accommodation such as park benches and doorways which are inhabited by numerous non-earning but responsible Brits.

It was noted by one news source that the case epitomised everything that is wrong with Britain today. Despite the fact that the placement of the Saiedis in such expensive housing was later revealed to be a mistake, resulting in two council employees being unceremoniously fired, the story is still, without doubt, absolutely typical of the kind of treatment all asylum seekers receive in this country. One commenter rightly pointed out that: 'the person receiving the house should realise how expensive it is for the taxpayer and refuse to move in - they should be homeless instead.'

The Floridan freelancer said, after recovering from his initial rage induced coma, that: 'If ever a single news story summed up the howling insanity of Brown's Britain, this surely has to be it', acutely pointing out how an exceptional and isolated case entirely sums up what some misguided critics claim to be a complex social problem. Understanably, he later admitted that he didn't quite comprehend the situation, whispering: 'It's difficult to decide on what precise level this lunacy is most outrageous' before going on to link the Acton family with terrorists who landed a hijacked aeroplane in Stansted eight years ago. The Afghan embassay declined to comment on whether the Saiedis were indeed behind the hijacking or what they were up to over here and whether or not they were planning to blow something up.

Metro Moronity

Many other newspapers have forged shrewd allegiances in the past; the mighty Daily Mail ensured its lasting prominence in the British rag-o-sphere by supporting Mussolini and Hitler when lefty naysayers claimed they were nothing but bad news and The Daily Telegraph famously bought millions of pounds worth of shares in Russian inter-continental ballistic missile manufacturers during the Cold War.

We here at The Quail do not wish to get left trailing in the wake of our peon-erring brotherhood, and so it is with a modicum of joy we announce the exciting news that from this day on, you shall have delivered unto you the very best that the Metro has to offer too (it is, afterall, owned by Northcliffe, the glorious commanders of the the Mailish empire). We wish to show our support for Metro's crack team of comedy headline writers and office-bound, Fox News watching, Google News subscribing sub-editors by reproducing here the absolute best headlines that the freesheet press has to offer. So, without further ado:

Accused killer 'a very good cook'

What does this mean? Out of context: absolutely nothing.

In context: the same.

Now Labour wants to ban good parenting

New Labour ministers are plotting to launch yet another futile attempt to ban the harmless past-time of child beating, it has emerged.

In a damning report, Kirsty Walker described today how swarms of Labourites have already backed plans to rob responsible parents of their fundamental human right to punish their children using violence, using traditional parenting techniques that date back to the glorious neanderthal times. Authoritarian whip-cracker Kirsty points out how, outrageously, the plans could even 'give children the same rights as adults', meaning that eight year olds would be allowed to drive and your four year old daughter would be free to party in Soho nightclubs with middle-aged business men.

Under current legislation, parents can discipline their children using 'reasonable punishment', but are not allowed to use methods that leave visible markings or scars. The new plans would go a step beyond this already restrictive law, and attempt to clarify the term 'reasonable punishment', which some wooly minded liberals believe is somehow 'unclear'.

Sir William Utting, spokesman for the Children are Unbeatable Alliance, which may or may not sponsor terrorism, said effeminately: '[The plan] is about being serious about equality and about the human rights of the child. The law must send the clear message that hitting children is as unacceptable as hitting anyone else.' Critics responded angrily, pointing out that hitting people was often a really good idea, like when they play reggae music too loud or don't hold a door open for their elders, so it is not right to remove the right to hit children, who do things that are even more annoying than that sometimes.

The Darkness Lifts: Sir Ian Blair gets his marching orders

Sir Ian Blair, the Met police chief with an unblemished 100% failure rate on every single case he was ever involved with, today announced his resignation after being given his marching orders by London mayor Boris 'Dr' Johnson.

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith said 'Sir Ian has always had my support for the demanding and vital tasks that we expect of the Met...They go well beyond the effective policing of London'. So far beyond, in fact, that a young Brazilian man ended up with seven bullets in his head.

The resignation was hailed as a victory for the Conservatives, and according to James Slack, 'will be seen by some as the beginning of a passing of power from Labour for the Tories.' Left-wing online internet web-loggers reacted with sadness to the passing of their favourite mayor, who had the full backing of many wooly minded political figures such as ex-Prime Minister Gordon Brown, Home Secretary Jacqui Smith and notorious communist Red Ken Livingstone, who is reportedly now working with Che Guevara.

Photo by Marek Bernat

Moose hunter makes use of Republican time machine

Future vice president of the former British colony of Virginia, Sarah Palin, was tonight accused by pedantic leftie commentators of lying about meeting British ambassador Sir Nigel Sheinwald.

However, inside sources have confirmed that Palin's apparent 'blunder' is nothing of the sort; she had simply made use of the Republican party's time machine to travel into the future, where, as official Veep, she met Sir Nige at a White House formal dinner.

Unsurprisingly, given the lipstick wearing pitbull's hectic moose hunting, book banning schedule, Palin made a simple mistake and listed the ambassador as one of the many world figures she has not yet met, but probably has in the future. Republican supporters noted that far from being a blunder, Palin's remarks prove that she is making great headway in proving herself as an experienced and widly travelled political figure; she may not have been far in terms of physical miles, but her voyages into the future more than make up for her incredibly narrow world-view.