Stupid blogger argument spills over into real world; 'I don't care' says world

A campaign to undermine the Labour party by deploying 'plants' to make them look disorganised, corrupt, sleaze ridden and woefully out of touch with the entire British population is going 'swimmingly', it was revealed today.

Following two days of crushingly boring media coverage over some leaked emails that nobody cared about, senior Labour spin doctor Damian McBride has resigned after coming into contact with reputation assassin Derek 'Fecal Touch' Draper.

Draper had managed to convince McBride to launch a 'reverse smear campaign' against himself by encouraging the communications advisor to send salacious and defamatory emails from an unsecure Downing Street computer to the 'influential' Labour blogger. But one of the emails was intercepted by muscle-bound anti-establishment freedom fighter Paul 'I hate politicians' Staines, or P Stains as he is known to friends. Stains runs the poorly moderated 'Guido Fawkes' charity site, which caters for victims of the psychological condition 'Bilious Superioritis Verbal Diarrhoeaphrenia'.

Draper, who was created by Tory scientists to erode the Labour party's credibility by posing as a high-profile supporter before saying a ton of stupid shit, launched the face-achingly dull LabourList website earlier this year, and quickly found himself at the centre of manufactured controversy for accusing everybody in the world of being racist and pretending to be a psychiatrist.

Noticing that the three readers of LabourList were tiring of constant attempted smears and link-baiting faux scandals involving important right-wing bloggers Iain Dale and P Stains, Draper set up the Red Rag website as a repository for all the petulent tripe too pathetic to post on LabourList. A quick call around his Number 10 chums for some juicy Westminster village gossip resulted in several 'juvenile and inappropriate' emails sent by McBride to be published on Red Rag.

Draper has been credited with turning swathes of once staunch Labour supporters against the party and destroying the delicate image of Britain's political blogosphere, while simultaneously drumming up public sympathy for previously maligned, eminently dislikable figures such as abortion fan and pretend blogger Nadine Dorries.

Draper defended his communications strategy as 'too difficult for you to understand'.

In a statement he said: 'Yeah but no, that's not what happened, no, that's not true, yes it was a bit like that but you've misinterpeted me, I didn't mean that, it must have been hackers or something, those comments weren't going up on LabourList but similar stuff did appear yeah, no but yeah and that's not fair because nobody told me that was an offensive word, I didn't call him a racist but he is a racist, well I say racist but I'm not saying he is racist, but that other one is the real villain because he allows it in the comments, Tories are bad, they're all the same, well not all of them, but you know what I mean, no I didn't mean that, I'm creating a website for 50 million people not some self-important bloggers, hey bloggers why aren't you linking to my website, we do daily emails and everything, I get more comments than Guido it's just I don't allow them all through, I'm a psychotherapist you know, I went to Berkley, not the university, but I did go there and I have four degrees, well not four exactly but you know.'

A local man said: 'Who the fuck is this Damian McBride twat and why is news so boring and shit?'

Homosexuality costs Polish zoo £8 million

It is barely a month since two homosexual ducks in Sussex came under fire for the thoughtless poovery that left an entire species facing extinction.

Now the selfish lifestyle choices of one elephant have ended up costing a Polish zoo nearly £8million.

Despite having the largest enclosure in Europe built especially for him, Ninio the African bush elephant has expressed his ingratitude to kind-hearted keepers by preferring the company of young boy elephants, while behaving aggressively towards females. Zoo officials fear that the homosexual pachyderm will be incapable of doing proper hetero elephant stuff like lifting heavy logs or fathering children because of his weak effeminate trunk and sensitive skin.

Ninio - whose name means 'child' in Spanish - has already been removed from three other zoos in the past five years for harassing male elephants by repeatedly inviting them over for 'slumber parties' and exchanging his entire allowance of fruit and nuts for tusk-whitening products and family sized tubs of pink nail varnish.

Right-wing Polish councillor Michal Grzes is incandescent with rage at forking out for a 'broken' elephant. 'We didn't pay 37 million zlotys (£8 million) for the largest elephant house in Europe to have a gay elephant live there', he fumed. 'We were supposed to have a herd, but as Ninio prefers male friends over females how will he produce offspring?'.

The intimidatingly named Law and Justice Party, to which Grzes belongs, has been repeatedly criticised for allowing senior members to publically express overtly homophobic views.

But the head of Poznan zoo where Ninio resides said the 10-year old beast might simply be confused as elephants only reach sexual maturity at 14, and that same sex displays of affection between the animals - such as kissing and trunk-intertwining - are common.

A local man said: 'I'm not homophobic, but I wish all these gay elephants would just keep it to themselves. You can't switch on the TV or open a paper these days without hearing about homosexual elephants. I've got nothing against queers - some of my wife's best friends have met them in that Warsaw - but they better stay away from my kids.'

Fatties, Skinnies & Mischa Barton: Mail Online gives you the news that REALLY matters

Web 'surfers' weary of endless boring news stories of 'important' current affairs rejoiced this morning as a triumvirate of enthralling articles was delivered exclusively by Mail Online, The Daily Mail's futuristic hypertext internet webbook.

While lesser news sources occupied themselves with turgid reports of senior police officers resigning in disgrace (who cares?) and yet more banal stories about the latest poorly filmed video of something happening last Wednesday, it was left to The Mail to address the issues that really mattered - namely: why are fat people so rubbish, and is there a link between obesity and scrounging off the state?, is anorexia bad?, and finally, ha! celebrities have cellulite!

Kicking off the day's hard-hitting round up, the enigmatic 'Daily Mail Reporter' - who may or may not be Julie Moult - sensationally revealed that obese X-Facor contestant Emma Chawner is not only fat, but also unemployed. Her family is also mobidly obese; mother Audrey is said to posess an infinite number of chins.

Adding balance to the proceedings, 'Daily Mail Reporter' went on to describe thrillingly how skinny TV presenter Fearne Cotton has become a pin-up for anorexics everywhere. Having pointed out how bad obesity is in the Emma Chawner piece and established the undeniable link between grotesque fatness and benefit-scrounging, Daily Mail Reporter responsibly highlighted the flip-side of the coin - that being too skinny is also A Bad Thing.

Drawing the triple-whammy of ground breaking journalism to a close, Lizzie Smith told movingly of Mischa Barton's refusal to withdraw from public scrutiny - despite the incessant Daily Mail media obsession over her awful cellulite. Sources said the article wasn't just a thinly veiled excuse to publish pictures of the twinkle eyed, wobbly thighed starlet half naked, but an important contribution to the debate on female self-esteem and how young women should be expected to look.

Refusing to conform to other news sites' hegemonious frontpage layouts, Mail Online decided that collectively, these three stories should sit proudly above the mundanity of 'real' news, giving them pride of place on a wizardly scrolling box of delights that dwarfed news of fresh footage of Ian Tomlinson's death and the resignation of Britain's most senior counter-terrorism officer.

A reader said: 'Wow! Look at it scroll - I don't even have to press anything, and the pictures keep moving between a fatty, a skinny celebrity and that bird from the OC! I could watch it all day!'

Mollycoddled kids: Why ARE today's parents so overprotective?

Parents have become so overprotective that just one in ten children gets to play regularly in parks, fields and woods - leading experts to fear that anxious parents are raising a generation of 'cotton-wool kids' denied the independence, experience and education gained by exploring the great outdoors.

85 per cent of parents said in a study carried out by Natural England that they would like their children to be able to play outdoors unsupervised but feared they would be abducted by strangers or hit by a car.

Critics have blamed the increasing number of children deprived of the joys of tree-climbing, pond-dipping and accepting sweets from kindly strangers on the rise of the 'nanny state' under New Labour.

A source said: 'It's all these woolly minded, hand wringing liberals terrified of their children tripping over hedgehogs and eating conkers. That 'elf 'n' safety is to blame for making everyone think the world is full of hazards and filthy sex beasts - thank god we have The Daily Mail to tell us it's all ok in a straightforward, unhypocritical manner without contradicting themselves ever.'

Wilkins ice shelf collapse not proof of global warming, say experts

Armchair experts and anonymous critics today poured scorn on ridiculous new 'evidence' suggesting that the world is getting warmer.

Questionable satellite images from the European Space Agency appear to show that a 25-mile-long strip of ice believed to pin the Wilkins Ice Shelf in place has splintered at its narrowest point, about 500 metres wide. 'Experts' now believe that greater collapses may follow, allowing land-based glaciars to slip into the sea - all because of a paltry 5.4f (3c) rise in Antartctic temperatures over the last 50 years.

Suspiciously, news of the collapse comes as penguin loving, tree-romancing delgates from 175 nations are meeting in Bonn, Germany to try to force the UN to ratify a misguided new treaty on climate change which will probably result in tax hikes for millions of middle-class Britons. Evidence of the perilous state of the Wilkins Shelf will be used to 'fuel fears of global warming'.

But commenters were not convinced that the polar ice caps melting would be of any significance to anyone anywhere and highlighted the folly of saving the planet if it means paying 3p more tax every month:


Meanwhile, self-taught scientists derided the politcally correct climate change camp as 'FOOLS' for being sucked in by the great global warming swindle.

Flat-earther Stavely J Benchtatler from Wyoming cited indisputable evidence that an ice cube placed into a glass of water doesn't increase the water level or something, proving with a single decisive masterstroke that climate change is just a big nihilistic fantasy dreamed up by drunken geography students:


Fellow expert of hypothetical deludoscience Andy from Lancashire calmly reminded the class that of course the world is melting because there's a massive nuclear fireball right next door to us duh:


...while simultaneously revealing that Mars is coated in cool, cool ice. Bookies are giving odds of 13-1 of Andy receiving the Nobel Price for Everything later this year.

Melodramatically named evolutionary bioligist 'Uk is DEAD' stunned the global warming hippies with with his facts, screaming:


But it was left to Tony from Buckingham to lay the debate to rest, cooly pointing out that it was the volcanos what did it, you know, those ones in Antarctica like St Helens:


A scientist told The Quail: 'I despair'.

Femail Special: Liz Jones hates hippy scum

Eurgh. Hippies.

Aren't they just awful? They parade around in their smelly woolen hats, faeces smeared on their faces in protest at whatever it is they've decided is bad for their beloved "Earth" this week (cars and factories are bad apparently - ha!), sleeping with each other like it's the most natural thing in the world as their millions of grubby tots run around licking trees and hugging hedgehogs - they believe contraception is bad for the environment.

They're always smoking drugs too, too busy getting high as multi-coloured crusty kites to realise the hypocrisy of campaigning against global warming while releasing billions of tons of CO2 into the atmosphere from their crack pipes and bongos. Not only that but they drive around in those ridiculous 'shagging wagons', old, polluting VW campers kidnapping middle class, nicely dressed children to put to work on their opium fields. I bet they only drive those rust buckets because they can't afford a nice, big, black BMW like mine. I've had the interior customised with a fluffy trim and a lipstick holder installed in the gear stick - I'm so busy shooting off to important meetings with powerful older men I never have time to do my make-up in the morning. It's gogogo for me! Teehee.

I heard that when those unwashed, bandana wearing grubsters go on holiday, they like nothing better than visiting dirty third-world countries like Africa or one of those Eastern European ones because they're so cheap, and they're really poor because they don't have proper jobs like me. I've actually watched a herd of crusties in India or somewhere stealing sweets from the hands of a poor little brown boy living on the streets, and kicking his bony dog. Scum! I quite like those poor foreign children though, they're so cute with their big eyes and funny little shoes. I've been thinking of doing a Madonna and getting one to go with all my lovely horsies and bunnies. Oh! My millions of glamorous friends would be so jealous! I can only imagine what Piers would say as I turn up for my interview with a little Indian in my Prada handbag. It would be deliciously ironic.

As for those silly-billy Earth Mothers, well I simply detest them. Imagine having children when you earn anything less than £50k like me? It would be squalorous, and is downright irresponsible - these disgusting mothers send their little ones off to school without a hope in the world. I'm sure they're the bullies first target when they see them scurrying around like weavels in their hemp shirts and no-brand plimsolls. 'Haha, look at Bungle there, wearing a poncho! He's got twigs in his hair!', the bigger boys would shout. 'Isn't he a fool!', and they'd all laugh. And I'd be right behind them, pointing, laughing and throwing stones with the the rest of them, because I'm down with the kids. The cool mum. I've heard some boys even call me a MILF, whatever that might be. I dread to think! Hehe!

I went to that Glastonbury last summer and the place was teeming with dreadful people who thought nothing of the state of the loos, defecating in little pits outside their tents before wallowing in it and using it as facepaint. Of course, none of them thought anything of allowing their tiny rat children to stand next to the horrible great big speakers spewing out silly dance 'indy' music at 125 decibels because they're all neglectful (usually single) parents. Too busy worshiping their pagan gods and sacrificing goats to notice as their offspring, some as young as three, were mainlining behind the dance tent.

I received lots of odd looks from the crusties as they regarded the square of black bin bag I took everywhere just to stand on, clutching my Prada handbag, scampering around in terror at all the noise and kerfuffle. I think they could tell I was superior and felt envious of my radient loveliness - most people do. And secretly I knew that they all wished they were me, with my BMW and designer clothes, and fashionable adopted third-world child, and horses. The whole silly event was an illustration of the worst aspects of hippiedom: cheap, misguided rubbish dressed up as something soul-enriching, cultural and caring. All it did really was smell.

Unfortunately there were an awful lot of horrid hippies in London last week, ruining any chance I might have had of sharing a nice mochacinno with my famous friends at a funky cafe in the city. We go there sometimes to meet the handsome bankers - since my divorce I spend most of my time on the prowl for a prime piece of well-aged rump to get my teeth into, and there's no better hunting than the Square Mile. But - tsk! - I was prevented by the skankoids waving their poorly painted placards, shouting and making love in the streets, while the brave police battled to keep them away from the lovely rich men, who, I must say looked even more fabulous than usual, all dressed down in chinos and brogues under orders to leave the suits at home lest the jealous tie-dye wearers pelt them with bottles and bricks. I just wish the police had used tear gas on them, at least then some of the scum would have been washed off their grimy lefty faces.

While real people around them were trying to get to work, they set up meditation camps. We all know that meditation is just laziness. How inappropriate, when what we need to get the world on its feet is hard work. Bloody hippies. How is meditating ever going to change anything? Not that it needs changing anyway - it's quite clear that everything is going swimmingly in Britain. I mean, I can still afford my Pret a Manger sandwich each day and a nice smoothie, and I haven't yet had to fire a single servant. I honestly don't know what all the fuss is about.

We don't need anything to change. Everyone knows all you need to do is make yourself as lovely as possible, find yourself a nice wealthy man, and life is peachy. Why is that suddenly so hard to see for all these lice infested free lovers? A washed out Peace sign will never make you attractive to high powered business men. All we need to do is get into bed with them, not smash their windows. That's never going to make you rich!

It's so obvious. Sometimes I find myself amazed that Gordon hasn't called me on my sleek Prada phone to ask me to be a government advisor.

Carla Bruni and Michelle Obama kiss; Barack and Nic 'ok with it'

Hot French first lady Carla Bruni didn't indulge in a lingering lesbian kiss with Michelle Obama at today's NATO summit in Strasbourg.

But if you squint a bit, and close one eye, and don't look at any of the other photographs, the evidence is plain to see: Carla and Michelle kissed each other - on the lips - in a sensual display of steamy female intimacy behind their husbands' backs in front of a throng of journalists and photographers.


Reports that there may have even been some tongue involved and perhaps even a quick squeeze of the bottom have so far not been confirmed - or denied - by French or American spokesmen.

Rosalind Ryan, a real journalist, acknowledged that the image was simply 'a trick of the camera' thanks to the shot being taken 'at the wrong angle', but decided it would be in the public's best interest to publish it anyway and suggest some sort of inter-racial sapphic shenanigans taking place amidst the otherwise dreary meeting of powerful old men.

It is unknown whether or not Ryan, who has a male surname, is secretly a repressed lover of other ladies and sees latent lesbianism barely managing to control itself from bursting into throbbingly alluring scenes of full-blown lady-loving action in all photographs featuring two or more women not doing anything.